Was this a need to control?

[Larmoyant]

My ex displays traits of NPD/BPD and possibly antisocial. Much of our relationship played out like this and I have a need to understand what was going on:

He’d come and pick me up and at first seemed really happy to meet me, kiss/hug me, tell me I look lovely. Five/ten minutes into the journey he would start on me, e.g. criticise me, accuse me of flirting/cheating, liking other men, belittle me, full-on ranting.

I’d either end up in tears or get angry, and want to go home. Mostly I used to stick it out (in therapy to work out why), and he’d calm down and we’d still go out. Sometimes it got better, other times it got worse, particularly if there were other men around. He was insanely jealous and accuse me of flirting/ cheating with just about every man I came across. He went so far as to punch a man once. We’d argue, horrible, horrible arguments, and I’d want to go home. He’d then persuade me to stay and we’d go on to enjoy a day or so together.

Other times I’d drive to his place and at first he’d be happy to see me then launch into a tirade of insults, etc. I wanted him so much that I tolerated this, although towards the end I tried to set some boundaries, e.g. if he erupted on me I’d go home. I found myself driving home more and more, wretched and heartbroken. He’d then blow up my phone trying to get me to come back.

What I’d like to know is what was going on here? My therapist says it was all about controlling me, make me feel bad about myself, less confident so when we were out my sole focus would be on him. The damage this behaviour has caused me is immense and I’m in therapy trying to work out why I tolerated it in the first place. Can anybody enlighten me about what may have been going on here? I feel a need to understand.

[bus boy]

Good morning Larmoyant,

I think your T was right. You were manipulated into feeling negative about your self so your whole focus was on your ex. Not just when you were out but, in my opinion it's to keep you totally focused on them BPD/NPD all the time. They keep you in such an emotional and mental negative state about your self that you end up trying to fix all your flaws. You become fixated on correcting these flaws but the flaws never stop coming. You become so focused on fixing your self for them, you loose your self. This is my own experience. Also my T, it took her a while worked on loosing the why. There is nothing with us. We were victims of hedious emotional and mental abuse. They do what they do because that's what they do, destroy. When you or I focus on the why I was still focusing on her behaviour and staying in that painful mental rut. When I stopped asking why, I was able to heal. Everyday isn't great but it's a heck of a lot better than it was. The whys do pop up now and than but not very often. My T let me live in the why for a bit because I had so much crap to get out but as she saw my progress she started extracting the why's. A good T will help move you along as you heal. I am now getting deeper into self. This is where the healing really begins. This is what works for me.

Good luck and God bless

[GreenEyedMonster]

I am always hesitant to conclude that anyone had a "master plan" to do anything, but that doesn't mean that there isn't subconscious manipulation going on.  Sometimes I think these very insecure individuals want us to feel at their mercy as they do at ours.  In other words, it's their attempt to balance the relationship.  It bothers them that we can feel so confident, good-looking, and secure around them, so they throw things at us to make us feel insecure.  For example, it bothered my ex that I would go on a pre-planned volunteering trip without him.  It was something that I had committed to long before I even met my ex and a situation where a team depended on me.  In "revenge," he went on a vacation without me that involved close sleeping and bathroom quarters with other single women, and intentionally didn't invite me along when he could have.  On some level it's like, "Well, it was so easy for you to leave me, I will show you what it's like when it's easy for someone to leave." 

My grandfather ended up in a horrible relationship at the end of his life.  His wife (not my grandmother!) would constantly threaten to leave him as a way to control him.  She would use this as leverage to get him to do what she wanted.  "If you start eating as much as you think I should, I will come back."  Or, "If you get strong enough to not use a walker anymore, I'll come back."  Horrible.  My grandfather developed a trauma bond with her.  She became like Lucy trying to get Charlie Brown to kick the football in the Peanuts comics.  He could never quite be good enough for her, but she had him in a state of always trying.  In the end, she did leave him.  It pretty much killed him.  He would look in the mirror and say, "I'm so ugly.  That's probably why she was leaving me."  Mind you, this is a man who was movie-star handsome most of his life.  Consider Googling "intermittent reinforcement" for more on situations like this.  Always moving the goal line is a way that manipulative individuals keep us wanting them.  My poor grandfather missed this witch even at the end.

So yes, I think people do various things to try to control us.  We put up with these things because we get addicted to the intermittent reinforcement and develop a trauma  bond.  The idea that we can be happy with ourselves in a way that doesn't please them is a threat.  Safety is having control, and that's the ONLY kind of safety.

[gotbushels]

Hi Larmoyant

I'm sorry that you're going through those difficulties. To be insulted consistently over time, in an unpredictable haphazard manner, without much connection to initial positive behaviour, is difficult to deal with--especially with a relationship partner.

I think that "Was this a need to control?" is a "Why did he" question. These types of questions seek what the pwBPD's (or pwBPD traits) reasoning may be. Often, the reasoning of the pwBPD seems quite different from what is "normal" reasoning. While the "why" may be important now, after some time you may come to find it difficult to draw consistent patterns in the pwBPD's reasoning. When you reach that stage of realisation, the effects and extrinsic outcomes of his actions will start to matter to you more than the "why". My experience was that it was often a waste of time to ask myself "why", even when I was in the relationship and using the tools from this site. Think of it like playing in a hedge-maze, where someone abuses you continuously for half an hour or so, while you're trying to get out. Irritating, unhealthy, and does nothing for you--but the pwBPD puts you in the maze anyway. Why? Just because. If you're finding yourself caught up on this, there has been a lot of research in the last 30 years. I'd recommend either

Stop Walking on Eggshells

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56242.0

or I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56740.0

May your recovery be restful and I'm glad you have some time to yourself now:)