Devalue and Discard does it mean they've found someone new to Idealize?

[Rayban]

I know each individual is different, but I was just wondering once they start to devalue, does it often mean they've found a new source to Idealize and eventually discard?

I ask because looking back on my relationship, I would notice a trend where she would become hypercritical, passive aggressive and basically unpleasant. This was almost always accompanied by a new person entering the scene. It could be her talking to a new coworker constantly, or some random dude added as a friend on facebook, or suddenly taking an interest in a new hobby or activity.

[bunny4523]

In my experience, I did not find that the devaluing was directly related to a new interest.  I feel like the devaluing was more of a way to "freshen" up the relationship.  Create a big fight then a big makeup to get back to that lovey dovey feeling again.  Which didn't work for me from the beginning.  I saw it as very dysfunctional which is why I inititiated couples counseling.  He liked when I was hurt, crying or trying to make it work because then he knew I cared about him... .  Sick. The more he did that, the less I cried, hurt and tried... .the less I cared about him.

[WoundedBibi]

In my experience, I did not find that the devaluing was directly related to a new interest.  I feel like the devaluing was more of a way to "freshen" up the relationship.  Create a big fight then a big makeup to get back to that lovey dovey feeling again.  Which didn't work for me from the beginning.  I saw it as very dysfunctional which is why I inititiated couples counseling.  He liked when I was hurt, crying or trying to make it work because then he knew I cared about him... .  Sick. The more he did that, the less I cried, hurt and tried... .the less I cared about him.

Actually that is something some pwBPD describe on the boards for pwBPD I have visited to gain insight. That they all of a sudden don't feel the same for their SO as before and to recreate that feeling they had in the honeymoon stage they will create drama, push their SO away, break up, cheat, whatever, so their SO starts to beg, run after them, prove their love in every possible way, make them feel good, and so on, and sometimes the initial feeling then returns to the pwBPD. For a while. Until it disappears again.

[Lucky Jim]

Actually that is something some pwBPD describe on the boards for pwBPD I have visited to gain insight. That they all of a sudden don't feel the same for their SO as before and to recreate that feeling they had in the honeymoon stage they will create drama, push their SO away, break up, cheat, whatever, so their SO starts to beg, run after them, prove their love in every possible way, make them feel good, and so on, and sometimes the initial feeling then returns to the pwBPD. For a while. Until it disappears again.

Exactly, WoundedBibi.  I experienced this many times with my BPDxW.  In a nutshell, they want love and attention, so they push the Non away in order to get new proof of the Non's love.  I found this pattern odd because it seemed designed to achieve the exact opposite result: I felt less inclined to show my love after getting pushed away hard, but that's BPD for you.

LuckyJim

[bunny4523]

Do you all remember one of the first times it happened to you?  Being devalued and pushed away? So confusing because they make you think you did something to deserve it.  I knew in my heart I hadn't done anything but he was so convincing.  Finding this website and reading story after story of the same thing happening to others just helped me so much... .to grow, to move on... .just to get my bearings back.  Thank you to each and everyone of you who shared and helped clear away the FOG.

[Herodias]

My ex was doing this with his new gf right away about  3 or 4 months in to their r/s.(of course he lies, so I am not positive about the time frame)  One time he came over to my place in July and they had just gotten back from a vacation with her family. He was showing me his text messages between the two of them and reading them to me! They were fighting... .he was giggling like he was having the the time of his life... .she was apologizing and saying it was all her fault, it was just her issues and she was so sorry... .I was watching him with the most concerned face and I was totally flabbergasted by what he was revealing to me! Then I think he suddenly realized it was inappropriate to show me and stopped. He was drunk at the time, but it was soo strange to see his giddiness at this argument. This is when he told me that he could manipulate her and he could manipulate me! He later that night said he just wanted to be able to be alone... .So, no, I don't think they need to have someone else to devalue you... .I think these are tests and ways to feed their own ego. I do think when there is someone else it is worse. Mine even said to me once, "no one else would want me, right?"... .he was talking about this due to his drinking... .I just laughed and said no one would want to put up with that... .he smirked... I suppose because he had someone else lined up.

[Herodias]

In my experience, I did not find that the devaluing was directly related to a new interest.  I feel like the devaluing was more of a way to "freshen" up the relationship.  Create a big fight then a big makeup to get back to that lovey dovey feeling again.  Which didn't work for me from the beginning.  I saw it as very dysfunctional which is why I inititiated couples counseling.  He liked when I was hurt, crying or trying to make it work because then he knew I cared about him... .  Sick. The more he did that, the less I cried, hurt and tried... .the less I cared about him.

I feel the same way Bunny... .I was being pushed away and it did not reel me back in... .I felt like I wanted more and more distance. His mother would always ask if I needed a break from him! His parents were always wanting me to have peace... .Lord knows what they put up with -I only know so much... .she told me there was so much, but she didn't want to talk about it. Mine didn't want me to cry though. Not sure where that came from. He was briefly a Marine and I suppose you are taught not to show emotions- maybe his Mother told him boys don't cry- who knows. He was always trying to toughen me up! I hated it! He told me he didn't understand why people were so emotional. I only saw him cry a few times... .He would stop himself pretty quickly.

[jhkbuzz]

I know each individual is different, but I was just wondering once they start to devalue, does it often mean they've found a new source to Idealize and eventually discard?

I ask because looking back on my relationship, I would notice a trend where she would become hypercritical, passive aggressive and basically unpleasant. This was almost always accompanied by a new person entering the scene. It could be her talking to a new coworker constantly, or some random dude added as a friend on facebook, or suddenly taking an interest in a new hobby or activity.

This was true in my r/s during the worst episodes of devaluation. It felt like she hated me. Later I found out our r/s was... .crowded.

[JohnLove]

Crowded?... .UGH! 

[DazedD23]

In the past I have fought tooth and nail to save our relationship. Last year after the first split I knew she was in a really bad place, self harming, suicidal, misusing alcohol etc and she would often abuse me on txt blaming me for everything that had happened, then she'd push and pull me about playing with me, teasing that she may come back. She did every now and again then she'd freak and pull away again and of course loved up me would chase and take all the crap that was being thrown about. This time I'm not chasing.

I recognise now that I haven't got it in me to chase and the hurt I'm feeling this time is to much to bare. Why should I chase her if all it will do is lead me to hurt more when she pulls away from my chase. The only person who will benefit from it would be her as I'd massage her ego, she'd get off on my heartbreak and I'd look a fool or worse still like I was stalking her. She's running around town blaiming me spinning lies about what happened so she comes away looking a saint so I don't want to feed that anymore by chasing, begging and trying to get her back as that will get used against me.

This time around, as much as it hurts, I don't want to chase, I would like to keep some dignity this time plus I know I tried and now know it wasn't enough. Why chase someone that only causes me pain? There's no point for me as I have to accept what is and not what could be. I need to focus on me as I haven't down that in 4 bloody years. She cut the chord so now all I can do is look after me and give up on her.

[DazedD23]

I'm driving myself mad wondering why she's now with, knowing she's lovebombing someone new and if her history is anything to go by there's probably a few blokes she's tapping up. She's very promiscuous too. I torture myself thinking she's having sex with someone else, being intimate with someone, cuddling them making them feel special and amazing.

I know that there's someone else because she's not reaching out to me anymore. I know I have to stop the torture and I've never felt so much internal pain as I do when my mind races around thinking these horrible thoughts.

[Ahoy]

I'm driving myself mad wondering why she's now with, knowing she's lovebombing someone new and if her history is anything to go by there's probably a few blokes she's tapping up. She's very promiscuous too. I torture myself thinking she's having sex with someone else, being intimate with someone, cuddling them making them feel special and amazing.

I know that there's someone else because she's not reaching out to me anymore. I know I have to stop the torture and I've never felt so much internal pain as I do when my mind races around thinking these horrible thoughts.

Mate those thoughts are the WORST. They truly punch you in the gut like nothing else and they can sneak up on you at any time. Typing this out now makes me feel like crap (just for a moment)

Firstly, this is where mindfulness comes into play. It took a bit of practice but my therapist stressed thoughts are something you cant control thinking about but YOU CAN control whether you act on them or not. So I don't. When those thoughts pop into my head, I picture them on a little boat and the boat travels quickly downstream out of sight on a river. Pop, out of existence. Sounds silly but you know what, I feel it actually works after a while.

It's an ego hit too, why aren't we the one she wants to be intimate with! Because they are very, very unwell, and this is how she traps new source and is something that also (temporarily) sooths the out of control emotions she feels.

[DazedD23]

It's the most horrific feeling isn't it? I was laying in bed last night and it just wouldn't stop.

Thanks for the tip on mindfulness. I'll try using that myself.

Do you know what she told me that's what she used sex for, you know the one night stands. She used to tell me she used sex as a form of self harm. She gave herself to everyone, strangers, friends, anyone that could fix her temporerally.

[gotbushels]

Hi Rayban 

Interesting topic.

I can't comment if there is a connection between their "nonsense" and finding someone new. My ex dysregulated several times a week and various new men were always in her life. So I can't comment if there is a connection.

I think this is very interesting:

In my experience, I did not find that the devaluing was directly related to a new interest.  I feel like the devaluing was more of a way to "freshen" up the relationship.  Create a big fight then a big makeup to get back to that lovey dovey feeling again.  Which didn't work for me from the beginning.  I saw it as very dysfunctional which is why I inititiated couples counseling.  He liked when I was hurt, crying or trying to make it work because then he knew I cared about him... .  Sick. The more he did that, the less I cried, hurt and tried... .the less I cared about him.

Actually that is something some pwBPD describe on the boards for pwBPD I have visited to gain insight. That they all of a sudden don't feel the same for their SO as before and to recreate that feeling they had in the honeymoon stage they will create drama, push their SO away, break up, cheat, whatever, so their SO starts to beg, run after them, prove their love in every possible way, make them feel good, and so on, and sometimes the initial feeling then returns to the pwBPD. For a while. Until it disappears again.

Exactly, WoundedBibi.  I experienced this many times with my BPDxW.  In a nutshell, they want love and attention, so they push the Non away in order to get new proof of the Non's love.  I found this pattern odd because it seemed designed to achieve the exact opposite result: I felt less inclined to show my love after getting pushed away hard, but that's BPD for you.

LuckyJim

I think this set of events is persistent amongst several of us here. I'll add that I saw it in my own relationship with the ex pwBPD. Great discussion. Thanks everyone.

bunny4523, "He liked when I was hurt, crying or trying to make it work because then he knew I cared about him... .  Sick." I'll agree this is very sickening and you have my sympathies. I hope you find rest.

[Hadlee]

This topic really made me think.  From reading others posts over time, I just put the devaluation down to the fact there was someone else in the mix.  After looking back at these times now, I don't think this was actually the case.  Bottom line... .there was ALWAYS someone else in the mix. 

In my experience, I did not find that the devaluing was directly related to a new interest.  I feel like the devaluing was more of a way to "freshen" up the relationship.  Create a big fight then a big makeup to get back to that lovey dovey feeling again.  Which didn't work for me from the beginning.  I saw it as very dysfunctional which is why I inititiated couples counseling.  He liked when I was hurt, crying or trying to make it work because then he knew I cared about him... .  Sick. The more he did that, the less I cried, hurt and tried... .the less I cared about him.

Actually that is something some pwBPD describe on the boards for pwBPD I have visited to gain insight. That they all of a sudden don't feel the same for their SO as before and to recreate that feeling they had in the honeymoon stage they will create drama, push their SO away, break up, cheat, whatever, so their SO starts to beg, run after them, prove their love in every possible way, make them feel good, and so on, and sometimes the initial feeling then returns to the pwBPD. For a while. Until it disappears again.

This definitely fits with what happened to me.  I used to run and prove my love many a time in the beginning, but I got very tired of that after a while and kind of gave up.  I held back, I didn't show a lot of affection, and I didn't give a lot of attention.  It was too draining and by that stage, I was confused and hurting.  Guess that was the beginning of the end for me

[MapleBob]

Do you all remember one of the first times it happened to you?  Being devalued and pushed away? So confusing because they make you think you did something to deserve it.  I knew in my heart I hadn't done anything but he was so convincing.  Finding this website and reading story after story of the same thing happening to others just helped me so much... .to grow, to move on... .just to get my bearings back.  Thank you to each and everyone of you who shared and helped clear away the FOG.

I *do* remember. It was confusing as hell! And then as soon as you "prove" yourself to them again it's all puppies and roses and "you're the best" again. Until the next time... .

[Lucky Jim]

Being devalued and pushed away? So confusing because they make you think you did something to deserve it.  I knew in my heart I hadn't done anything but he was so convincing.

Exactly, Bunny.  They are SO convincing!  You could say that they are experts at blame-shifting because they won't take responsibility for their own actions.  It's always someone else's fault.  Yet I was naive enough to think that maybe I did deserve all the blame, which did a number on my self-esteem.  Great topic and thanks to all above!

LuckyJim

[Rayban]

I know each individual is different, but I was just wondering once they start to devalue, does it often mean they've found a new source to Idealize and eventually discard?

I ask because looking back on my relationship, I would notice a trend where she would become hypercritical, passive aggressive and basically unpleasant. This was almost always accompanied by a new person entering the scene. It could be her talking to a new coworker constantly, or some random dude added as a friend on facebook, or suddenly taking an interest in a new hobby or activity.

This was true in my r/s during the worst episodes of devaluation. It felt like she hated me. Later I found out our r/s was... .crowded.

crowded is spot on.

As  I was being devalued, she would still push and pull. I made the mistake of sleeping with her and that mad things worse. Just as I was stupidly believing in a new beginning with her, she began toying with me. She made me feel like I wasn't worthy, and shortly after in the same afternoon two guys that to me were obviously more then just '' friends'' were paraded right in front of me. 48 hours before she professed her love to me.