Self Respect

[Cat Familiar]

One of the huge benefits I've realized lately from participating here is that I'm greatly improving my self-respect. It never occurred to me that I didn't respect myself as much as I could/should, since I grew up with a BPD mother who felt like belittling me was part of her job of childrearing. I left home as soon as I could and married young--another pwBPD who was not only verbally abusive, but physically abusive as well.

After divorcing him, I did therapy and I remember my therapist saying, "We need to build you a self." All my life people have told me I was selfish, self-centered, thoughtless, etc. and it was very wounding to me because I was so concerned about their needs and trying to make them happy. As you can imagine, they were never happy and it was almost always my fault.

Now, married to yet another BPD, but one who is much kinder than the first, I've done more therapy and more soul searching and I'm not so afraid of being labeled as selfish for taking care of my own needs. Having more self respect, I don't endure endless criticisms and I realize when he is projecting his own negative traits upon me.

I'm so grateful for this community and the opportunity to learn and grow. Having been trained all my life to be a codependent, it's nice to have a backbone now.

[formflier]

Yep, I had this backwards when I first got here.  I thought be "giving" to my partner meant "giving in". 

That was bad.

Cat Familiar,

Was there a turning point, or an "ah haaa" moment?  Or slow growth?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Much like your history, FF, things were good in our relationship for years. I didn't like his overuse of alcohol, but I sort of excused it because he had just come out of a nasty divorce, had started a new job that he didn't like, and moved several hundred miles to be with me.

I figured when he retired, then he'd moderate his use. Well, further complications ensued--we were in the middle of housebuilding when we realized our contractor was being dishonest, so we had to fire him and find someone else. Then we scrambled to fix up and sell my mom's house before the real estate market collapsed.

The drinking got so bad that his getting sloppy drunk became a nightly occurrence. I nagged him in the mornings about his consumption. He dysregulated at night. His snoring became so unbearable, sleeping with him was not an option. And he was mixing alcohol with prescription meds. He did weird behaviors like hitting himself in the head and yelling that I must enjoy that because I hated him. I had never seen anyone close to me behave like that. It was alarming.

I grew more distant. Those warm feelings of love became a distant memory. I lost respect for him. I can't "unsee" some of his behavior; it forever altered my feelings about him. Finally I realized not only is there an alcohol problem, he has a mental illness.

He reluctantly agreed to do counseling with me, but was convinced it was the first step towards me divorcing him. Little was accomplished with marriage counseling, other than our communication was slightly improved. I now see our psychologist individually and she confided that he has a personality disorder, though she doesn't categorize them since she thinks they have many blended traits. Having her support and this site has helped me dig my way out of a huge pile of resentment. Getting to that point, I'm now open to learning new coping strategies and have come to grips with "management" as the future of my marriage--a very disappointing awareness, having previously believed I'd found my "soul mate."

As I became less reliant on his approval, I became more reliant on my own approval. I'm no longer manipulatable by being told that I'm "selfish"--in fact, I'll agree wholeheartedly. (He still taunts me with "You think you're so perfect" which is really ironic for a little girl who grew up having so little self worth. I haven't quite figured out how to counter that---yet... .)

A long-winded answer, FF, to your question--option #2--slow growth.

[Cat Familiar]

For those of you who struggle with codependency, here's a fun music video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o40fwZgSFPI

[Grey Kitty]

If you want to hear a song about self-respect, listen to Otis Redding's ORIGINAL version of "Respect"

https://youtu.be/KvC9V_lBnDQ

I'd never heard this version, and I was shocked. Aretha Franklin only had to change a few words, but she changed the meaning 180 degrees. The man has zero self-respect in that song.

Then go listen to Aretha's version again I love her version of that song even more knowing how she changed it to become an anthem of self-respect.

https://youtu.be/6FOUqQt3Kg0

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! I hadn't heard either of those for years. I do remember hearing the Otis Redding version, but I never realized that the meaning was entirely different. Thanks for that, Grey Kitty!

[formflier]

 

Ultimately I think that pwBPD are attracted to our self respect.  Then somehow our "giving" nature lets them run all over us.  Then they don't see the self respect anymore and start viewing us with contempt. 

Without intervention, this ends in disaster.

My guess is this is because of their poor sense of self.

I think this is one of the reasons boundaries work so well.  They give us room to "breath" and be ourselves and the enforcement piece shows them that we respect ourselves.

Thoughts?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Ultimately I think that pwBPD are attracted to our self respect.  Then somehow our "giving" nature lets them run all over us.  Then they don't see the self respect anymore and start viewing us with contempt. 

I think you nailed it, FF. I quoted Bob Marley in another thread, "Give them an inch, they take a yard. Give them a yard, they take a mile."

In the past, I felt that the pwBPD in my life, whether it be my mother or my first husband, was trying to tame me. I attributed all sorts of bad motives to this, such as trying to take my power, wanting to put me in my place, getting off on putting me down, etc.

The reality was that I wanted to please them and over time, I gave up more and more of myself to this end. I became such a people pleaser and even though I never truly pleased them, I still kept trying. Gradually I lost myself and seemed only to exist to try to make them happy, a fruitless pursuit.

Fortunately, I've never totally fallen into that trap in my current marriage, thanks to a wise therapist I saw after my divorce. She encouraged me to be myself, support myself emotionally and believe in myself totally. I truly think I'm a low-maintenance person, but my previous boyfriend (PTSD and likely BPD) and my current husband (BPD) would likely disagree. I don't bend to other people's whims anymore and they can't guilt me into doing so.

[formflier]

 

Yep, I know what you mean.

So, this mornings "lesson" I am trying to teach my wife is that my words matter.

When I ask to delay a conversation with a child until after we talk, that is what will happen.  I'm not going to "go soft" to please her. 

She can deal with her feelings on my "angry dance", or whatever other dance she has made up in her head.

In the end, I'm not going to live a farce where she wants me to be in charge, but doesn't let that happen or goes the other way.

I won't do what she wants if it is just to "please"her or "make her happy". 

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Yep. I used to think that giving in was the path of least resistance. Now I know better.

But the only reason that I can do this is because my self image is strong and resistant to taunts like "You're so selfish." They can think whatever they please (I'm still working on not reacting to "You think you're so perfect.". I guess my best move is just to agree with them. Yep.

Here's a great music video (very intense story) about taking their shots: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZI-aPHeUDlk    and he has links about dealing with mental illness.

[Cat Familiar]

TRIGGER WARNING ON THAT LAST VIDEO--IF YOU'VE DEALT WITH A LOVED ONE WHO HAS MADE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS--YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO WATCH THAT. Great song, though... .