Doubting myself for doing the right thing

[Rannan]

So it has been almost five weeks since my 10 year relationship with my pwBPD ended.

A summary to the nature of our relationship can be found here if interested: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292475.0

Since the separation we have remained LC over text messages. She wanted to add me on Facebook; I refused and she respected that. I maintained the notion that the only way contact with her could continue in a healthy manner was if I set myself to have no expectations, and the only way to do this was to not reach out to her and only respond when she initiates a conversation. This has worked for me and I could feel myself healing yet not having to completely remove someone who was so important to me from my life.

However, I suspected that one day she would confront me about my lack of initiations, and lo and behold, I was exactly right. What followed was her becoming more and more irritated and trying to push on my newly formed boundaries. I refused to engage and provide her fuel but stood my ground and this is how the conversation ensued via text... .

HER: Wow I've been the only one initiating conversations with you. Why have you been so quiet?

ME: I'm in the process of detachment. I'm available and reactive to conversations with you but as far as that I'm all about the self-love at this point in time.  

HER: Eh. You really didn't care about me. As in. Just because we broke up, we can't be friends? Or show care or anything?

ME: I'm sure you'll interpret it in that way.

HER: It's like I'm the only one putting effort into this friendship. And you're not. Maybe I should just go and not speak anymore. It's really frustrating that you want to throw away 11 years of knowing each other. How is talking to me about normal things painful? I'm not even flirting or anything or being romantic. I was apparently your best friend.

ME: Am I not responding? Am I not taking the time to reply to you?

HER: ... .Oh so yea I'm the one to initiate a conversation all the time. That's too much effort for you. Agh %£$! it. I CBA. You're just as lazy in friendship as you were in our relationship. Look. I'm done trying. Goodbye.

ME: If that's how you feel so be it. Leave then. I do what I need to that is healthy for me. Goodbye.

HER: Oh so what. You continue to be selfish till the end. I've done nothing but be nice to you. Enjoy your lonely life. And please look into your narcissism.

ME: *No longer responding*

After this conversation I expect her to continue painting me black and to avoid me for at least a little while. The hardest part of all of this was that all the fear and self-doubt and eagerness to please her came rushing back when she started pushing at my boundaries. It took every ounce of my strength to not engage with her jabs and insults and to not stand up for myself, as I know that it would only serve to fuel her need to be needed and fought over. I feel logically that I handled it well and I did the right thing, but the self-doubt that has been ingrained in me from years of her manipulations is strangling my heart at the moment.

It hurts to know she thinks of me like this, but I take comfort in the fact that she merely sees me in this way because nuance is lost to a person of her affliction. She could never look at our relationship and what transpired during in a critical light like us nons can. She could never evaluate her failings in the relationship or see how I tried my best to make things work in the bleakest of circumstances. It simply will never be in her nature to think in this way, and truly internalizing this somber fact provides me with some sense of release mixed with the despair.

I need support right now. I need someone to tell me what I did was right so the echoing of her voice in my head can cease and I don't have to doubt myself ever again. I was strong but I don't feel strong. I feel just as weak as she always made me feel.

Thank you for reading.

[patientandclear]

Hi. I did what you did when I first got back in touch with my BPD after a long stretch of NC following our breakup. I had told him I would be in touch when I could be just friends and that took quite a while.

When I did, I was still so afraid of being rejected by him that I took your stance: no initiation. It DID help me feel good, and wanted, and helped with no expectations, like you're saying. However, it actually isn't the basis for a healthy r/ship. I also would not call it a boundary (a principle about how we will allow ourselves to be treated). I assume you don't have a principle that you won't be in relationships where you have to initiate some of the contact? It's more of a tactic for making yourself feel better while not losing her completely. I totally relate, again.

Eventually my ex called me on it as yours did. I acknowledged that was a legit request in an actual friendship, and did ask him to do some things (which, BTW, he said no to! But that is BPD and him. He needs control. What happened next is that he asked ME to do the same thing I'd asked him to do. Funky, but it worked for us).

My ex and I are no longer in touch for other reasons. But I do encourage you to consider whether you want to enforce this rule for an important relationship. If you're too fragile to endure her rejection or whatever you're afraid of, maybe you need to step away entirely for a while, as of course, protecting yourself is your job! But if you want an actual friendship with her, having it be that one sided does strike me as a problem. I know that's not what you want to hear.

I guess you could tell her what you're afraid of. "Hey, I was thinking about that exchange. It's not that I have a principle that I should not have to initiate in a friendship. You're right that that is unequal. Honestly, I feel very vulnerable when I extend myself to you. I guess I am guarding to against the risk of hurt, because when you initiate, I know you want to be in touch. I hadn't reflected on how you the same may be true for you."

That may you might advance the ball in achieving actual understanding of where you are both at with this dynamic.

You posted on detaching and i realize this is a response more in line with the "improving" board, so if you want to explore what I'm saying here, that may be a better place. I hope this is not unwelcome feedback. I know how often I have needed to hear reassurance that I did the only right thing.

And it may BE the right thing--if you are not in a place where you can deal with whatever she gives back when you initiate. Truly having no expectations actually allows you to reach out and not worry about what comes back. I couldn't do that right after the breakup, for sure.

[khibomsis]

Rannan, it must be difficult to doubt yourself while you are still processing the trauma! I would not worry too much. It sounds to me like your ex dysregulated, that is, she was picking an argument for the sake of relieving inner conflict. If not your lack of initiation than it would have been something else. If I were you I would relax and continue healing. I would not be at all surprised if she contacts you again, sweet as pie, making as if this conversation never happened. Would this at all fit the behaviour patterns you have become familiar with?

here is a lesson which might be of help to you right now https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I know it is hard to move on without your companion of so many years. But right now your emotional health has to come first. I wish you well in your healing. , khib

[Concerns]

I was told by my wife's psychologist last week that a healthy wife and relationship starts with a healthy husband. I believe it. You have to take care of yourself first. But honestly if I told my wife

"Hey, I was thinking about that exchange. It's not that I have a principle that I should not have to initiate in a friendship. You're right that that is unequal. Honestly, I feel very vulnerable when I extend myself to you. I guess I am guarding to against the risk of hurt, because when you initiate, I know you want to be in touch. I hadn't reflected on how you the same may be true for you."

then would just think of me as the same vulnerable,unmanly weakling-care giver that I kinda have been up to this point. I would stand up for yourself but be a man about it. I wouldn't rub her nose in it like

ME: If that's how you feel so be it. Leave then. I do what I need to that is healthy for me. Goodbye.

Show her the boundary, walk away and take care of yourself. Getting over being an addict is rough stuff. However, it certainly feels much better learning how to control ourselves and be the people other healthy people want to be in a relationship with. Hang tough. Do things that will immediately make you feel and look better. Start lifting and getting in shape is a great start. Lock in your diet. Feeling good and looking good is great medicine.

[Rannan]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement and a variety of outlooks on the situation. I took it very hard yesterday after discovering that she has now blocked me from one of the messengers we used to text each other since the separation. She has neglected to block me from any other messenger we have used, however, so who knows how long this will actually stick? Honestly, I hope it sticks for at least a while so I can focus on healing because last night felt like I lost her all over again.  

@patientandclear: I appreciate your honesty and your view on the subject. I do however feel the need to further elaborate on my thought process and what motivation I have to keep the communication door open but not necessarily pursue the sort of "friendship" she would have to offer me.

Any qualities you may come to expect to come with friendship, I.E. trust, camaraderie, the ability to reciprocate and be honest and vulnerable with each other, etc. could not exist between herself and I. If you were to take a peek at the link I posted where I went into detail of the kind of history we have together, it will further demonstrate that she has the traits of a person who I can never truly trust nor have any kind of real friendship with. A friend wouldn't lie, cheat, or physically abuse me.  I look at my hand and I still have a bright red scar from where she stabbed me with a pair of scissors and it serves as one of the many reminders of how twisted up I am to have endured that treatment for as long as I did.

Still, I am very attached and love and care for her, as I feel I always will. We grew up together and knew each other since we were children, and I can never fully leave her alone. I had hoped to keep communication open for if and when she finds herself alone. Last time she broke up with me years ago, we were separated for most of 2011. During which apparently is when she started self-harming for the first time and tried to commit suicide via a massive overdose. She's lucky to still be alive. I couldn't bear the thought of her doing something like that again if my replacement doesn't work out and she is alone. I even told her recently that if, years from now, she ever finds herself about to do something so drastic, she would come talk to me first. She seemed to appreciate that so I can only hope that it sticks.

Again, I appreciate your suggestions and your feedback is completely welcome, but what you gave as an example I feel she would chew me up and spit me out for being so vulnerable. I've tried it with her, trust me, and I believe that she is disgusted by weakness.

That's what makes this so very difficult for me. I want to be vulnerable and open and weak with her but every time I have been, she has used it as weaponry against me to gain the advantage and to get her validation that she so desperately craves. I don't want to do that anymore. I can't do it if I'm going to heal.

As a side-note, I refer to it as my boundary because that's what it is to me: She isn't trustworthy to me as a friend but she will always have a special place in my heart. Basically, it's complicated, and with that comes a whole list of unique circumstances that force me to place boundaries I wouldn't need to place normally. I told her what I need in order to heal and interact with her. If she can't or won't respect it then I suppose it's best the way things ended the way that they did.

@khibomsis: Thank you! That's very kind of you to say because it echos what I feel I logically know but cannot feel at this moment. I also appreciate the link; it helped me a lot while I was freaking out last night when I found that she blocked me. You're right. My emotional health does come first and I shouldn't feel ashamed of that. Fear and this crooked sense of obligation keeps me suffocated and unable to break free, so I think ultimately this has to be the best thing for me, at least for now. Thank you.

@Concerns: I agree with you. Being the caregiver that I am with the co-dependency traits I'm discovering I have only left me open to be manipulated and stepped on throughout the relationship. I feel now like I may have came off too harsh with her with that last contact and I would take that back if I could, but I still feel like the message I sent across was the right thing to do. I feel that it is so hard to trust myself and to do what is right for me. I suppose it can only get better from here on out.

And yes, I have actually lost upwards of 10 pounds since the separation and I'm looking damn good if I say so myself.  (At least better than I did!)   I had this eye-twitch for weeks prior to the separation that completely went away after she left me. I am convinced that the stress was reaching a point where you could see the physical damage it was doing to me on a daily basis. These people can be truly toxic in every sense of the word.

Overall, typing all this out feels good and helps validate my feelings that I did the right thing, as well as the kind messages from all you good people. My heart refuses to keep up with my brain though and is always telling me that I messed up and I shouldn't have said what I said. It's beyond frustration.

[khibomsis]

Rannan, you tell your heart to chill out You are amazingly self-aware for one so young, you can see your co-dependency and how it undermines you. I wish I had had your awareness at your age!

You have your whole life ahead of you and cannot spend it trying to save someone who abuses you. If she comes then your open hand is very generous. It is more than enough.  I read your original thread and was horrified. There are indeed links between mental suffering and physical health, some people on this board talk about our neural pathways needing to recircuit after long periods of ongoing trauma. 30 days NC is often considered as the minimum time before you turn the corner.  Take your time and focus on you for a while. Day by day it will get better.   

[Rannan]

I thought I'd give an update on how things have been progressing thus far: It has been one month since she has blocked me and ceased contact, and I can feel myself slowly detoxing and craving her attention less and less, albeit very slowly and not at all in a linear fashion. Although I still miss her and have internet-stalked her a few times on occasion, I try to be gentle on myself and remind myself that remissions happen to addicts in recovery and to just try and continue on my path of self-healing.

I still frequent this forum every day to read and learn, especially when I am ruminating particularly badly. I should take the time to interact more with you good people, but I find being on this forum too often makes me feel stuck and sick so I try to play a balancing act. I don't want to replace one addiction with another. Still, I feel a strange sense of guilt that I'm not attempting to contribute more to possibly help soothe some of you who are struggling so much. A part of me feels this sense of obligation with my experience to share and help everyone. I've been doing some studying and this definitely feels like a mark of codependence in me. It is hard to believe that it runs so deep in my blood but it is undeniably there. I'm working on it as it is a problem I do not want to have, and that's more than I can ever say about my expwBPD.

One issue that has been concerning me is that my birthday is next Wednesday and, if history is of any indication, this would be the most likely date for her to initiate contact with me. In 2011, she broke up with me in April whilst staying with family in Vietnam. She contacted me on the night of my birthday, although she claimed that it was just a coincidence.  

I have caught myself unblocked on the phone by her a few days ago and I remained unblocked for about two days, and the profile pictures she had were all sad platitudes about the tragedy of feeling too much and how she gives too much to people.   Funny how she did nothing but spam pictures of her and my replacement for the first few weeks after she left me (When we were still on speaking terms, mind you). She has since reblocked me but changed her profile picture twice in a two-day period I was unblocked, as if to try to communicate with me without actually communicating. Again, I shouldn't have been checking, but I saw that and it amplified my worries that she wants to engage with me but isn't quite sure how to do so. Although I miss her dearly every day, I am terrified of the emotions she will bring to the surface if she were to contact me again, and I honestly hope that--for my sake--she leaves me alone so I don't have to deal with the meaningless pain.

I am now at a point where I am very pleased with how I conducted myself on the last day we spoke: Strong with strict boundaries, and I feel that has made it very difficult for her to contact me. I feel like I was left with the advantage and she can never be in a disadvantageous position of power. At this point, she has only two options: She apologizes to me or she speaks to me like nothing ever happened. I feel that if I had been more catering to her needs she would possibly still be tormenting me to this day, so I've been able to finally come to grips with my choices and they no longer haunt me.  



@khibomsis: I never responded to thank you but your words meant a lot to me when I read them. Thank you for your kindness and you help give me hope for a better future. It's so liberating to see other people validate me and confirm that I am in fact not a cruel person. I try to be the best that I can be and when the one you love tells you you're terrible, you're just inclined to believe them. It has now been 30 days NC and I can feel my neural pathways recircuiting, but I have to stop the bad habits of checking on her and pushing my recovery back. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it greatly.

Anyway, this has gone on for a bit so I'm going to stop. I would like to thank all of you for the support that you've given me thus far in my recovery. I hope to be able to contribute more to this forum and maybe try to give back a little when I'm in a bit more of a stable place. I will make a post on my birthday and let everyone know whether or not she contacts me and how I feel about it, because I feel like either way, my birthday will be the stepping stone in making it through the FOG. Thank you everyone.