Maybe this pain is a gift?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been five months today, that I was discarded. Since then, I think I've been coming along well. Some days are better than others, but for the most part, things ARE getting better.

I've changed a lot, since my exBPDgf walked out of my life. I don't feel like the person I was when I was with her, nor do I want to go back to being that person. I've grown and matured and I'm trying to continue on that path.

Lately, I've realized that she has given me a gift when she departed. She's given me a new sense of self awareness and introspection. She exposed things about myself and my life that need serious changing, and I never would have "awakened" if it wasn't for the heartache. The more time passes, the more I realize, I needed this. A catalyst, a ground zero. I needed to be torn down, to rebuild myself.

It doesn't mean I enjoy it or that I'm fully detached and healed. Because, I don't and I'm not. But I always knew I met her for a reason, I just didn't know what it was, until she left. Now, 5 months later, I think I'm starting to figure out what that is.

Maybe I'm right, or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But I want to use this experience in a positive manner, nor do I want to waste an opportunity to truly grow as a person. But I do know, that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have this mindset. I'd still be smoking dope and playing video games like the man child I used to be.

[Dhand77]

It's been five months today, that I was discarded. Since then, I think I've been coming along well. Some days are better than others, but for the most part, things ARE getting better.

I've changed a lot, since my exBPDgf walked out of my life. I don't feel like the person I was when I was with her, nor do I want to go back to being that person. I've grown and matured and I'm trying to continue on that path.

Lately, I've realized that she has given me a gift when she departed. She's given me a new sense of self awareness and introspection. She exposed things about myself and my life that need serious changing, and I never would have "awakened" if it wasn't for the heartache. The more time passes, the more I realize, I needed this. A catalyst, a ground zero. I needed to be torn down, to rebuild myself.

It doesn't mean I enjoy it or that I'm fully detached and healed. Because, I don't and I'm not. But I always knew I met her for a reason, I just didn't know what it was, until she left. Now, 5 months later, I think I'm starting to figure out what that is.

Maybe I'm right, or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But I want to use this experience in a positive manner, nor do I want to waste an opportunity to truly grow as a person. But I do know, that if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have this mindset. I'd still be smoking dope and playing video games like the man child I used to be.

[Rannan]

I am a firm believer in progress through pain. Some of the strongest people that I know are the ones who have known real hardship at some point in their lives, and this is shown clearly through historical figures and in characters of fiction. I will never regret the 10 year relationship I shared with my exBPD, and through my relationship with her I have learned aspects of myself I never would have been forced to face otherwise.

I've learned the importance of self-discovery and mindfulness; I've learned what love actually is and what love is not, and I've learned the importance of personal boundaries and self-respect.

I've learned of my codependent traits and how they contributed to all of the relationships in my life. Without her, I doubt I would have had to look so deeply inward towards myself and ask, "Why would you let yourself be treated like this? How could you let yourself go so low?" Without her, I wouldn't have learned that I don't deserve to be beaten and insulted; to be made to feel that I'm worthless and pathetic and that I live to provide for other people. I wouldn't have learned that the people who tell me they love me should not make me feel like they may murder me one day.

If my relationship with my ex was poison, then it was also my anti-venom. Everything grand and beautiful is built upon the ashes of entropy and suffering; from the stars in the sky to the strength in our hearts we can be reborn through adversity. I know that I have grown from my experiences, and while my mind, heart, and body is weary from the turmoils caused by my relationship with her, I cannot help but be grateful to have learned such valuable lessons on life and on love.

To know true kindness, you must know utmost cruelty.

To know true generosity, you must know unyielding selfishness.

To know how to trust, you must know what it means to be betrayed.

And to know true happiness, you must know what it means to be in true pain.

We often refer to the changes of our bodies as we grow older as children as 'growing pains'. I believe that we never stop growing. Whether it is growth in our bodies or in our character, there will always be pain, but in the end we grow bigger and stronger because of that pain. We only need to allow it to happen, and to not let it consume us.

Never lose hope. Be happy and grateful for your experiences and never stop growing.

[once removed]

hi dhand77 

id like to echo the thoughts of Rannan, but id be quoting his whole post

five months ago, i would not have told you that your relationship and its ending were a gift. there is trauma and abuse involved, and i dont think anyone readily looks at those things as a gift. as Rannan describes, these relationships force you to look deeply inward and ask why you would tolerate abuse - teach you to recognize abuse, and never tolerate it again. i think there is an incredible freedom in that.

having said that, i do privately, personally, consider my experience a gift, and i think when we dig in, make the most of a horrible situation, and choose to make it mean something, something that we can benefit from, we arrive at that conclusion. i believe suffering builds character. when you have worked through the suffering, you see that it wasnt in vain, and all that matters is that better future youre creating.

i think im far more capable now than i ever was of having a healthy, happy relationship. im very grateful for that.

good for you, Dhand77. where do you think you are in the stages of detachment to the right?

[JerryRG]

Amen people, I still wallow in self pity once in a while but realistically, yes this has been the most motivational event in my life. No means the worst but this got my feet moving in the right direction even if I was totally unaware. I sought protection and answers where I never would have out of sheer desperation and found the real oasis of my being.

[Dhand77]

hi dhand77 

id like to echo the thoughts of Rannan, but id be quoting his whole post

five months ago, i would not have told you that your relationship and its ending were a gift. there is trauma and abuse involved, and i dont think anyone readily looks at those things as a gift. as Rannan describes, these relationships force you to look deeply inward and ask why you would tolerate abuse - teach you to recognize abuse, and never tolerate it again. i think there is an incredible freedom in that.

having said that, i do privately, personally, consider my experience a gift, and i think when we dig in, make the most of a horrible situation, and choose to make it mean something, something that we can benefit from, we arrive at that conclusion. i believe suffering builds character. when you have worked through the suffering, you see that it wasnt in vain, and all that matters is that better future youre creating.

i think im far more capable now than i ever was of having a healthy, happy relationship. im very grateful for that.

good for you, Dhand77. where do you think you are in the stages of detachment to the right?

Lol. It certainly didn't feel like much of a gift when it happened. It took months of self-reflection to figure out where to go from here. But, I think I've figured it out.

Now, if I had to guess, it's been 5 months since the discard and 2 months no contact, I think I'm at 60% detachment. She still gets in my head, and I still find myself ruminating. But it's easier to push those thoughts aside now. I'm at a point where I know I don't want her back. I know it will never work and the only thing I can make work, is my own life.

[Ahoy]

hi dhand77 

id like to echo the thoughts of Rannan, but id be quoting his whole post

five months ago, i would not have told you that your relationship and its ending were a gift. there is trauma and abuse involved, and i dont think anyone readily looks at those things as a gift. as Rannan describes, these relationships force you to look deeply inward and ask why you would tolerate abuse - teach you to recognize abuse, and never tolerate it again. i think there is an incredible freedom in that.

having said that, i do privately, personally, consider my experience a gift, and i think when we dig in, make the most of a horrible situation, and choose to make it mean something, something that we can benefit from, we arrive at that conclusion. i believe suffering builds character. when you have worked through the suffering, you see that it wasnt in vain, and all that matters is that better future youre creating.

i think im far more capable now than i ever was of having a healthy, happy relationship. im very grateful for that.

good for you, Dhand77. where do you think you are in the stages of detachment to the right?

Lol. It certainly didn't feel like much of a gift when it happened. It took months of self-reflection to figure out where to go from here. But, I think I've figured it out.

Now, if I had to guess, it's been 5 months since the discard and 2 months no contact, I think I'm at 60% detachment. She still gets in my head, and I still find myself ruminating. But it's easier to push those thoughts aside now. I'm at a point where I know I don't want her back. I know it will never work and the only thing I can make work, is my own life.

I think I'm exactly where you are. Sad thoughts are for a fantasy lost, not what was truly in front of me.

Thanks for the post. I look at how I changed during my relationship and more-so after our separation. I like the changes that are happening in me. I see now clarity in a lot of peoples actions and I have shed a lot of my nativity. I have gained immeasurable insight into my personality and my shortcomings and flaws.

I personally never realised I was as strong as I am, dealing with this as well as I have. Like you, there is still so much ahead of me, this is still a daily struggle, however my days of floundering at the bottom of the ocean are over, each day has a purpose and I have direction again.

So from one person gaining control of my destiny to another. Great work mate, I really hope you take pride in yourself, turning one of the worst moments in your life into something positive. This takes guts and character. Something that is not in short supply on these forums =)

[C.Stein]

Sad thoughts are for a fantasy lost, not what was truly in front of me.

Yes.  Sadness for what might/could have been have been the relationship and partnership of our dreams ... .but not what would have been in reality.  This is one of the most difficult things to process post trash bin I think and keeps many of us stuck inside our own pain. 

I am literally taken aback by how deep in the FOG I was.  The new found clarity however doesn't make me any less sad and I still catch myself asking "what if".  There is nothing wrong with desiring the dream of that "perfect" future with your ex, it was a beautiful dream and idea of a future together.   But as we all know that dream/fantasy slowly gets tainted, clouded by the dysfunctional relationship until it is all but gone.   Then post trash bin that dream/fantasy seems to come back with a vengeance ... .and we forget/excuse the dysfunction as the denial sets in.   We fail to see how deep in the FOG we are as the emotional hurricane raging inside keeps us disoriented and confused. 

Eventually the hurricane dies down and we find direction ... .a way out of the FOG and as clarity returns so does the reality of what we were truly facing. 

[Ahoy]

Sad thoughts are for a fantasy lost, not what was truly in front of me.

Yes.  Sadness for what might/could have been have been the relationship and partnership of our dreams ... .but not what would have been in reality.  This is one of the most difficult things to process post trash bin I think and keeps many of us stuck inside our own pain. 

I am literally taken aback by how deep in the FOG I was.  The new found clarity however doesn't make me any less sad and I still catch myself asking "what if".  There is nothing wrong with desiring the dream of that "perfect" future with your ex, it was a beautiful dream and idea of a future together.   But as we all know that dream/fantasy slowly gets tainted, clouded by the dysfunctional relationship until it is all but gone.   Then post trash bin that dream/fantasy seems to come back with a vengeance ... .and we forget/excuse the dysfunction as the denial sets in.   We fail to see how deep in the FOG we are as the emotional hurricane raging inside keeps us disoriented and confused. 

Eventually the hurricane dies down and we find direction ... .a way out of the FOG and as clarity returns so does the reality of what we were truly facing. 

I think in my case I have always been a bit of a dreamer. Don't get me wrong, I work extremely hard at my job and I know that hard work (unless you are lucky) is what gets you places in life.

But my favorite genre to read? Fantasy novels. I play fantasy computer games, I daydream during long drives by myself. Paradoxically I am a very logical person but slipping into daydream mode come as easy as putting on a bathrobe.

Maybe this is a further complication to my detaching process because these 'what if's' do feature heavily in my thoughts (although not so much as of late).

time to trade those fantasy novels in for autobiographies perhaps?

[C.Stein]

time to trade those fantasy novels in for autobiographies perhaps?

I also like fantasy novels.  Perhaps what we need is a swift kick in the ass ... .or a look in the mirror and a healthy slap in the face?   

[Leonis]

I am literally taken aback by how deep in the FOG I was.  The new found clarity however doesn't make me any less sad and I still catch myself asking "what if".

That's exactly how I feel.

[Herodias]

"Perhaps what we need is a swift kick in the ass ... .or a look in the mirror and a healthy slap in the face?"


I actually think the relationship WAS a healthy slap in the face and not a gift at all! Have we learned something-yes! Have we changed... .I hope so. But could I have done with out this? Absolutely! It could have been a good relationship and not such a bad one. So, I see how you are trying to look at it, but for me... .no- All it did was cause me pain... .way to much pain. That's the  gift from a pwBPD - Pain.