I'm trying to reverse a breakup

[Imaginarium]

I am a physician and have been in a 6 year relationship with a woman I love dearly but whose responses to simple statements have resulted in conflict. A simple statement about a girlfriend texting about her diet while we were in a Friday night movie results in " why do you hate her?". She has depression, has been somewhat under the care of a psychiatrist for depression only and broke off our relationship with a 27 minute one way conversation after a mild squabble about a buildings age. She pointed out a building while riding in a car, said" that looks new" to which I responded in a calm voice, " no, I think it's been here about 10 years". Her response was " why do you always have to right. That degenerated into a silent period, she walked out of my house and I have not seen her since. She has avoided texts, phone calls and letters for the past week. One of her coping mechanisms with her divorced husband, suggested by her doctor was " pretend he is dead". I love her dearly, want her in my life, want to help with her issues but apparently she is still grieving and thinks the imminent birth of her first grandchild will replace her life partner. Help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Imaginarium, Welcome!  What makes you think your SO has BPD?  :)o you have any particular questions for us?  LuckyJim

[livednlearned]

I am a physician and have been in a 6 year relationship with a woman I love dearly but whose responses to simple statements have resulted in conflict. A simple statement about a girlfriend texting about her diet while we were in a Friday night movie results in " why do you hate her?". She has depression, has been somewhat under the care of a psychiatrist for depression only and broke off our relationship with a 27 minute one way conversation after a mild squabble about a buildings age. She pointed out a building while riding in a car, said" that looks new" to which I responded in a calm voice, " no, I think it's been here about 10 years". Her response was " why do you always have to right. That degenerated into a silent period, she walked out of my house and I have not seen her since. She has avoided texts, phone calls and letters for the past week. One of her coping mechanisms with her divorced husband, suggested by her doctor was " pretend he is dead". I love her dearly, want her in my life, want to help with her issues but apparently she is still grieving and thinks the imminent birth of her first grandchild will replace her life partner. Help!

Hi Imaginarium,

Welcome and hello. It sounds like a lot of transition and change for her, and as you have noticed, she is extremely sensitive. Most people with BPD do not handle stress well (including good stress, like the birth of a grandchild) and have a lot of anxiety to manage. She is likely impulse-driven and having no real boundaries (unstable sense of self), she uses coping mechanisms that solve one problem and create another, like silent treatment and disappearing.

Many of us (non-BPD partner) tend to be in our heads and treat rational conversations like rational conversation, missing some of the emotional currents running through. Think of it as you are the intellect and she is the emotion, both are vying for control, even if that isn't the intention. The key to BPD relationships is to recognize the emotional undertones and learn key communication skills to mitigate the conflict.

Have you two had something like this happen before? If so, who reached out first?

What have you been saying in your texts and letters? Maybe we can help you figure out potential communication pitfalls.

LnL

[Imaginarium]

I appreciate all the comments and some are right on. In fact, she is under the "phone care" of a psychiatrist, who she calls and tells how great she is doing so he refills Vyvanse(meth), Welbutrin, Klonipen and Ambien. I understand that the meth can trigger BPD and the Kloipen can deepen depression. She definitely is a substance abuser,alcohol,pot, prescription drugs, has binge or NO eating, stomach problems, takes a two hour nap each day and goes to bed at 730 despite not working. We have had a fabulous past year with trips to California, a reunion in Pittsburgh, Valentine's Day at the Ritz in Orlando etc, but after her son was injured in a ski accident in early March, she basically waited on him hand and foot, gave him her bedroom so I could no longer stay there and sleep with her and became more irritable  with responses to statements that were bizarre and accusatory. I have been sending tender texts with pix of my grandkids, three beautiful letters and several emails without response and when I wrote I was going to stop by to check on her, called her daughter and said she was scared!

[livednlearned]

Six years is a relatively long relationship.

What usually happens when there is discord? How do you two move forward after a fight?

[borderlinemeth]

I appreciate all the comments and some are right on. In fact, she is under the "phone care" of a psychiatrist, who she calls and tells how great she is doing so he refills Vyvanse(meth), Welbutrin, Klonipen and Ambien. I understand that the meth can trigger BPD and the Kloipen can deepen depression. She definitely is a substance abuser,alcohol,pot, prescription drugs, has binge or NO eating, stomach problems, takes a two hour nap each day and goes to bed at 730 despite not working.

Oh man... . 

I am sorry for you... .We are probably dating the *exact* same girl... .Right down to the stomach problems and two hour naps. What's her name? J/k... .

Good news is, to me, it sounds like she will relapse into your arms at some point. Soonish if you are lucky.

Being scared is part of the cycle with mine, what used to happen is I would try to check on her once a day or every other day when she is scared. She would either tell me to go away off the bat, and if I brought her food/wine/gift of some kind, I might get an audience for just a little while. Then pretty soon, either same day or next few tries next few visits, she would be screaming and yelling at me about how I did something wrong, especially when one of her other suitors shows up with some smokeable candy tapped to the inside of his front pocket if you know what I mean. The important thing for me that I found that worked, was that once she went from sad to roller coaster irritable which quickly lead to the screaming and yelling and shoving, I would look her in the eye and either not say anything with a passive look on my face, or start to complain and whimper "why do you hate me? I love you!" and things to that effect until she would get violent and literally push me out the door. It might seem like backwards progress but I swear it works, as long as you can deal with her other asshat toy "friends" that "make her feel better" while you are crying in the rain after she shoves you out. Its important not to be violent with her back, or shove back, no matter how badly she deserves it. I suppose I haven't tried, her other ex's did and it didn't stop them from reuniting, but for my situation, I would remain passive while she would shove or bat me around, saying things like "What did I do wrong?", "I love you!" and "So this is how you really feel about me, huh?" or "So *now* you hate me, after everything we've done" and once "Thats right, go on hit me! You hate me so much when I love you, go ahead and hit me!". She will of course flip out regardless and push you around to prove 'She is right!' with whatever psychotic self righteous and fulfilling rage she feels she is entitled to in life, but the important thing to note is you took up space and time in her life, which translates to being on her mind when she sinks into soon to follow deep depression. Then, in my case, after some time apart and lack of contact, either she will get shamed or invalidated by someone else, and have a casual discussion with you, usually ignoring and not really looking at you much, about how "mr. x was mean to me and is a mean coot" or she will flat out apologize for how horrible she was to you and give you a big hug and usually smooch. Eitherway, when that happens, just make sure to VALIDATE and play the twisted mind game that whatever she says is right, even if its a flat out lie. Try to be cool and casual, supportive, and at some point when she gives you a little more attention, go for the makeout, and it works, try to escalate it to a bang. If she doesn't quite take, try laying down with her on her bed that night and say you just need to hold her, and when you do tell her how much you love her, ask for forgiveness and etc, go for the makeout again and start trying to get intimate. Usually it works, turns into a bang, and then all of the sudden she is cool with you again! Stay with her and reset the counter to 72-144 hrs until the next deflation/breakup, at which point you can start the cycle all over again... .Just make sure that you don't try and force a makeout or a bang, hang in there for a few days and at some point she should crack, and open hers. If she feels edgy about sex or seems discontent that you are next to her she will feel invalidated if you push for it and then blame you and reset into deflate/discard. It's never happened to me(yet), but I've always played cool during the makeup process. We've "made love" before after a makeup, only for her to react, judge, and insult/deflate me in the very next day or two over a text message because I write something like "I'm never going to leave you!" or "Wow, that night was so amazing, I'm so hard just thinking about it". I've learned this negative deflate/devalue reaction over a sext or sexual compliment after intercourse is primarily tied to narcotics use. This is a big one and I'm going to follow up on that in just a bit.


The first problem here with this makeup process, is not only is it a massive heart mind and soul ache for the man who loves her, but the makeup is highly situationally dependent. If her son is staying there, that will mess up your alone time with her to make up. This is when its easy for another male toy to show up that grabs her attention, and you get risked for demotion - a few weeks to a month of exile, possibly longer with a chance of breakup, decreasing your chance of makeup, and quite possibly axing the relationship for years, even if you survive the abuse. If her son says he really wants to take her to Florida, she may very well ditch you and go there with him.

The second, much deeper and more severe problem here, is that the make up does not and will not last. Underneath the situational makeup grass, are the roots. And those roots are <bold>drugs</bold>. In my opinion, period. Although there could be other ailments happening in addition per each instance of person. I had taken a bat to the arm, ribs, and slapped in the face a good 3 times from and for my honey. Didn't hit her once, and all the while pleading for her to stop, and telling her I loved her. I put up with her total bull#%@+ lies about her "friend" staying the night at her place 3 nights in a row because she was scared, which she flat out denied to my face, to the point of risking a breakup because I didn't validate her "truth" about his whereabouts. I have been with her for nearly two weeks this past month, having loving times and great sex, listening to music, both of us eating good food, only to suddenly get rejected 6 hours later via text when I left, after she asked me to leave. Why? The night prior, she really, really just needed a little "fix" to keep her mind going, and was really tired and wanted to sleep. This still really ___ing hurts me thinking about it, as essentially my well being and happiness was destroyed in an instant by her stupid decision, as the look on my face when she reared her the ugly crackpipe for her meth must of been priceless, as every ounce of my mind and body was screaming "NO!" as I was feverishly trying to think of ways I could stop her. But, being powerless in the end(one of the reasons she must be semi-attracted to me), I was forced more or less to just stand there and watch her start doing hits. Sure enough, in 10 minuets, she was panicky, full of anxiety, and timid and of course couldn't tell she was acting any differently... .Still denies it this time and every each time. See the pattern? See the difference? Beautiful monogamous woman that loves you turned promiscuous crack whore?

From my experience and understanding, BPD *IS* quite curable. Its treatable, and there are good regiments to supplement the recovery. Recovery is slow, but very possible. DBT works very well when it can truly be administered. Validation and counseling helps offer peace and feeling of being loved, which is important to recovery. TrueHope Amino Acids(true hope is great I suggest everyone looks into it), Omega3/6s, Fatty oils and fishes, cutting out wheat/sugar, with a little bit of exercise and all gmo foods, really does work wonders when combined with DBT and a relaxed compatible mate/lifestyle. Limit radios and tvs, those can cause stress and anxiety from bad news. Living alone or semi-alone with NO CONTACT from other males except you or family members, further solidifies a healthy biology that values your presence and helps retrain and disable her cheating tendencies. Think of how different every one of these woman would be if they couldn't just grab or pick a different guy every day "because they deserve it", and how their brains would adapt over time. We as a species were never meant to be surrounded by this many f***ing people, and its made relationships a living hell for many, many people, especially the "do-gooders" who try to make relationships that really shouldn't be failing, work. No wonder why relationships are such a catastrophe - there is no "off" button for the heartless asss who stream in right onto your woman who is desperately trying to bury your corpse of a relationship with her. Males rarely have respect for one anothers girl, and are quite content to steal their "friends" girlfriend. I got my own very special surprise today in this category, and I wish to high hell I never introduced that ass to my home and relationship - I am almost positive on what he is intending to do, and with me being unable to stop her from smoking meth 2 weeks ago, she is now mindless and in free reign to do whatever she feels like with this "friend" that she has previously expressed great interest in. Already salt in my wound, and now he's come to pour more of it. Just great huh?

[Notwendy]

Hi Imaginarium,

It is notable that you wish to help her but sometimes we can err on enabling which doesn't help in the long run. I assume you have some understanding of drug users/addiction. Have you considered attending any 12 step groups- alanon, etc, or other forms of therapy- intervention so that you can gain skills in helping her the best way you can?

What is it that makes this person special to you?

[Skip]

but after her son was injured in a ski accident in early March, she basically waited on him hand and foot, gave him her bedroom so I could no longer stay there and sleep with her and became more irritable  with responses to statements that were bizarre and accusatory.

It sounds like she hyper-focuses and everything else becomes secondary.  This is not uncommon.  It also is hurtful, even if not intended.

A person who hyper-focuses is only seeing this the care of her son as being a great mom. You've dropped down on the radar and any complaining or pouting is going to feel like interfering with her effort to sacrifice and be a great mom.

You will probably see the same when the grand child arrives.

I have been sending tender texts with pix of my grandkids, three beautiful letters and several emails without response and when I wrote I was going to stop by to check on her, called her daughter and said she was scared!

If you are trying to save the relationship (this is the Saving board  ), its important to understand how she views these things.  Is it possible she is in "supermom" role and sacrificing and not having a place for you is collateral damage?  If so, pushing to get back to where it was is going to received poorly... .a threat.

Does this sound at all like what might be going on?

[Imaginarium]

Thanks Skip. At this point, I think I have pushed a bit too hard, got bent out of shape when she texted my son and told him I needed psychiatric care. You have to understand, this woman, in the space of one year, about 7-8 years ago had her mom die(very close), her sister kill herself and she found her, and her husband dumped her after a 20 year marriage by phone! I came along and have nursed her back to health, but she cant even go back to those good times, wont meet or text back when I send loving messages . The baby is coming tonight and hopefully, that will make her feel a bit better. I am laying low for now, letting the dust settle, but she keeps texting" I have moved on", "We are over" within two weeks of a 6 year wonderful relationship. Ive read Walking on Eggshells, seen a psychiatrist, and may see him again, but her shrink( I use the derogatory term because i dont think he is competent), tells her to pretend her exes are DEAD. Even the father of her three children! I dont see that as healthy dialogue. Thanks for all the advice from those who have written. I really appreciate the advice.

As I said, the baby is coming today and maybe that will ease her anxiety over that! Im NOT optimistic though as she keeps saying " i have moved on" and "we are done" etc. Does not sound hopeful at this point.

[livednlearned]

Hi Imaginarium,

How are things going? You doing ok?