Hello everyone, it is 8:45 in the morning as of posting this thread and it is my 24th birthday. I've been dreading this day since the separation and I hope with its' passing I will make huge strides in healing from my abusive 10-year relationship.
My ex and I separated at the end of March, and went NC at the end of April. I haven't heard from her since I asserted my new boundaries would not be crossed and she promptly blocked me on nearly every avenue of communication. Overall, I feel that this was for the best and it forces me to resist my codependent nature and truly begin to look after myself.
I posted an update on my previous thread that I will link here for anyone interested in more detail surrounding my relationship:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293215.0As for my update post on that thread, it reads here:
I thought I'd give an update on how things have been progressing thus far: It has been one month since she has blocked me and ceased contact, and I can feel myself slowly detoxing and craving her attention less and less, albeit very slowly and not at all in a linear fashion. Although I still miss her and have internet-stalked her a few times on occasion, I try to be gentle on myself and remind myself that remissions happen to addicts in recovery and to just try and continue on my path of self-healing.
I still frequent this forum every day to read and learn, especially when I am ruminating particularly badly. I should take the time to interact more with you good people, but I find being on this forum
too often makes me feel stuck and sick so I try to play a balancing act. I don't want to replace one addiction with another. Still, I feel a strange sense of guilt that I'm not attempting to contribute more to possibly help soothe some of you who are struggling so much. A part of me feels this sense of obligation with my experience to share and help everyone. I've been doing some studying and this definitely feels like a mark of codependence in me. It is hard to believe that it runs so deep in my blood but it is undeniably there. I'm working on it as it is a problem I do not want to have, and that's more than I can
ever say about my expwBPD.
One issue that has been concerning me is that my birthday is next Wednesday and, if history is of any indication, this would be the most likely date for her to initiate contact with me. In 2011, she broke up with me in April whilst staying with family in Vietnam. She contacted me on the night of my birthday, although she claimed that it was just a coincidence.
I have caught myself unblocked on the phone by her a few days ago and I remained unblocked for about two days, and the profile pictures she had were all sad platitudes about the tragedy of feeling too much and how she gives too much to people. Funny how she did nothing but spam pictures of her and my replacement for the first few weeks after she left me (When we were still on speaking terms, mind you). She has since reblocked me but changed her profile picture twice in a two-day period I was unblocked, as if to try to communicate with me without actually communicating. Again, I shouldn't have been checking, but I saw that and it amplified my worries that she wants to engage with me but isn't quite sure how to do so. Although I miss her dearly every day, I am terrified of the emotions she will bring to the surface if she were to contact me again, and I honestly hope that--for my sake--she leaves me alone so I don't have to deal with the meaningless pain.
I am now at a point where I am very pleased with how I conducted myself on the last day we spoke: Strong with strict boundaries, and I feel that has made it very difficult for her to contact me. I feel like I was left with the advantage and she can
never be in a disadvantageous position of power. At this point, she has only two options: She apologizes to me or she speaks to me like nothing ever happened. I feel that if I had been more catering to her needs she would possibly still be tormenting me to this day, so I've been able to finally come to grips with my choices and they no longer haunt me.
@khibomsis: I never responded to thank you but your words meant a lot to me when I read them. Thank you for your kindness and you help give me hope for a better future. It's so liberating to see other people validate me and confirm that I am in fact not a cruel person. I try to be the best that I can be and when the one you love tells you you're terrible, you're just inclined to believe them. It has now been 30 days NC and I can feel my neural pathways recircuiting, but I have to stop the bad habits of checking on her and pushing my recovery back. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it greatly.
Anyway, this has gone on for a bit so I'm going to stop. I would like to thank all of you for the support that you've given me thus far in my recovery. I hope to be able to contribute more to this forum and maybe try to give back a little when I'm in a bit more of a stable place. I will make a post on my birthday and let everyone know whether or not she contacts me and how I feel about it, because I feel like either way, my birthday will be the stepping stone in making it through the FOG. Thank you everyone.
I fear today because the prospect of her contacting me terrifies me. I'm afraid of the emotions she will stir within me and the pain that will be brought to the surface because of her contact.
Paradoxically, the idea of her not contacting me also pains me in the dull, depressive sense. No matter what I may say or how I may try to fight it, I miss her dearly every single day. Either scenario means pain for me, so I just have to stay strong and try my best to make it through the day.
After today, I do not see any events in the foreseeable future that would inspire my ex to contact me, so I feel the saving grace to all of this anxiety and pain is that after today I will be that much closer to the stage of detachment that I desire so much.
Either way, today is supposed to be my day, and I am going to try my best to enjoy it. I will update everyone on whether or not she contacts me today, and how I feel after the day has passed.
Thank you for reading.
