Trouble accepting its over

[Feelinstronger]

In a nutshell, was in a 5 year relationship with a primarily wonderful man. We are both in 50's, each with grown children. Forged very close bonds with his entire family, spent a great deal of time with them over the years. He ended things 8 times, each time coming back and us reuniting. Was devastated and bewildered each time, always going over what I could have done differently, yet rationally knowing I was an entirely loyal and loving and accepting partner. He ended things again, following his pattern of initially ceasing all communication without warning, then, making a proclamation that he's done. Unlike all prior breaks, he has NOT come back.  So part of my reluctance/inability to actually let go has been due to me waiting for him to initiate contact again, as was his pattern. Its been 5 weeks and although I am in therapy, on meds and have loving supportive friends, I remain unable to concentrate on work, or get him and our relationship out of the forefront of my thoughts. Adding to my difficulty, I see him numerous times each week around town. Finding this website, and reading about what its like when a BPD breaks up with you, was like bells going off and lights going on.  I am able to give it a NAME. However, I still struggle with moving through this pain to get to the other side.

[hopealways]

I am in the same boat as you. All previous times she came back and this time she has not.  It has forced me to accept finality and closure. While it has been excruciatingly difficult at times it has also allowed me to grow and to get my mojo back. She has been gone 6.5 months. She never went longer than 3. It saddens me that it's as though it never happened, it was all a dream, this person at the center of my universe has just left for good, without ever trying, knowing she has a disorder and not attempting to get better.

But such is life.  We suffer for the chance of something better, and it will come as long as we allow ourselves to grieve and let go. Hang in there.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Feelinstronger,

Welcome to BPD family    I am very sorry to hear about your breakup. Five years is a long time and breaking up once, let alone repeatedly, is so painful. I very much understand your description of your romantic partner as "primarily wonderful." The man I fell in love with is, too.

Alternatively, 5 weeks is not a long time. It sounds like you have a great support system, which is so important. Hold on to it. The early stages are the most difficult; the feelings can feel overwhelming. It's so understandable that you can't concentrate, and have him front and center in your thoughts. It was exactly like that for me, too.

During this time apart, have you thought about taking some time to do something you've always wanted to? Do you exercise or have you thought about doing some bodywork or having a massage? I'm a big believer in the importance of working with the body as well as the mind to help recover from extremely stressful situations.

Be gentle with yourself, because healing takes time. I'm here to tell you that things DO get better. They really, really do.  

heartandwhole

[steelwork]

In a nutshell, was in a 5 year relationship with a primarily wonderful man. We are both in 50's, each with grown children. Forged very close bonds with his entire family, spent a great deal of time with them over the years. He ended things 8 times, each time coming back and us reuniting. Was devastated and bewildered each time, always going over what I could have done differently, yet rationally knowing I was an entirely loyal and loving and accepting partner. He ended things again, following his pattern of initially ceasing all communication without warning, then, making a proclamation that he's done. Unlike all prior breaks, he has NOT come back.  So part of my reluctance/inability to actually let go has been due to me waiting for him to initiate contact again, as was his pattern. Its been 5 weeks and although I am in therapy, on meds and have loving supportive friends, I remain unable to concentrate on work, or get him and our relationship out of the forefront of my thoughts. Adding to my difficulty, I see him numerous times each week around town. Finding this website, and reading about what its like when a BPD breaks up with you, was like bells going off and lights going on.  I am able to give it a NAME. However, I still struggle with moving through this pain to get to the other side.

It sounds like you were waiting for him all those other times. Would it help you to think of your situation as YOUR choice? Like, he left and hasn't come back but YOU can make some choices for yourself and your mental health now. And maybe part of your mental health plan includes taking an active role in not being with him.

That sounds like gibberish. What I mean is, it's in your power to emotionally detach, and that's an active role as opposed to the passive role of being bewildered.

[C.Stein]

You are not alone in this respect Feelinstronger.  I still struggle with acceptance 6 months later.  Part of me still feels very much attached to her, very much still in love with her, even when the anger from what she did is consuming me.  Her "ghost" follows me everywhere and she is in my thoughts almost every minute of every day.

I believe the strength of the bond you have with your partner may in some part dictate how hard it is to detach.  Sometimes the bond is a healthy one, a traumatic one or a mix of both.  It goes without saying when you truly love someone detaching is difficult.  For what it is worth, my ex had zero problem throwing me away like a piece of trash.

Acceptance I think needs to start with seeing your ex for what he is as a whole, good and bad.  My difficulty has been with integrating these parts into a whole.  There is much good in my ex and I believed in that good to my own detriment.   She never saw this or acknowledged it, but I still believed and trusted in that side of her.  But at the end of the day the disorder won the good vs. bad battle and her behavior slowly destroyed me from within.  What I still need to do (and perhaps you as well) is accept this, see it for what it is, and perhaps then the bridge to the other side will become visible.

[Feelinstronger]

Hello. It was just nearly five months of no contact, with the exception of a few texts.  I guess he hit rock bottom.  He sent a barrage of texts about 10 days ago, the next day texting that he regrets not marrying me and facing his fears. He came and found me in church, got on his knee and proposed.  SInce then he has been in two hospitals, and today I took him to a psychiatrist.  He admits he has issues! He is seeking help! I am shocked.  I am wary.  I am happy to see him. I am concerned. 

I DID NOT see this coming.  I was finally begining to recover. I am trying to go slow, however he is not, he professes his undying love and faithfulness numerous times each day. 

I never stopped loving him, prayed for him daily.  Am wondering what God's plan is for us.

Has anyone had reconciliations that were successful?

[once removed]

hi Feelinstronger, glad to see you back 

since this is the Detaching board, you will not tend to see many reconciliation stories, let alone successful ones. i would recommend you visit the Improving board, and have a look at the Success Stories thread, which you can find here:  Success Stories

[Leonis]

Please update us in a different board if you get the chance!

It would be a blooming miracle.

[hope2727]

I hope you are doing ok. This all sounds very traumatizing for you. Remember that you acted in good faith. It is good of you to help him but don't destroy yourself doing it.