What do you do?

[DazedD40]

So I'm trying to get back to some normality now and I'm back at work following a three week heartbreaking isolation. It's been nice to have something to focus on and the interaction and banter with my colleagues, however forced it feels from me, really helps.

I'm still raw though and I have moments when my mind wonders onto thinking about the red flags/gut feelings that were present in my relationship and whether I was actually on the money?

It hurts to think she did play me for a fool but I can't help but think and feel that she did and it cuts me to the core to think and feel that way. I know she won't give me closure on those things unless it's something she throws at me out of anger to hurt me. To be honest I don't think I would want her to tell me and I wonder if it's easier to stay in limbo about it and try to stop myself torturing my mind all the time.

What do you do with those unanswered thoughts and feelings?

[once removed]

hi DazedD40 

I'm still raw though and I have moments when my mind wonders onto thinking about the red flags/gut feelings that were present in my relationship and whether I was actually on the money?

this is certainly worth exploring and a lot of insight can be found digging here. what kind of red flags/gut feelings were present in your relationship? any before it started? which ones do you think were on the money?

It hurts to think she did play me for a fool but I can't help but think and feel that she did and it cuts me to the core to think and feel that way.

can you elaborate here? how/why do you feel she played you for a fool?

What do you do with those unanswered thoughts and feelings?

the short answer is learning more about the disorder, from a clinical perspective. to be honest with you, over a long period of time, i feel i landed on most of the answers i had questions to. there are very few (perhaps literally a few) i feel i have zero explanation for, although even on those, i have a hunch.

the longer answer: for starters, it takes time to process. when we are in the thick of this grief, the questions are overwhelming and innumerable. our perspective is skewed. some of the answers to our questions may be hard truths we arent ready to face, but will be down the road with a greater level of detachment.

second, rumination/ruminating gets a bad rap, but it can serve some purpose. i still vividly remember being a couple of months out, scribbling some strange timeline of events down in my journal, using all the new vocabulary words id started to learn about BPD. truth is i replayed the relationship and events from it in my mind thousands of times. each time, in a way, was progress. your psyche is processing trauma. eventually, with guidance, it will settle on a version of events that suits it, that it can rest assured on. in other words, im not saying "you should ruminate!", but i am saying that you should, and inevitably will explore this multiple times, and youll get a little closer each time.

are there any specific questions plaguing you?

[Leonis]

Sometimes, information about our exes' thoughts/motives are probably better off left unknown. They cut you deeply because they act impulsively based on their feelings. You are just collateral damage that they may feel bad for, but done in order to preserve their own feelings of security or whatever.

The more I pried for information, the more it seemed like I was her attempt to find that intimacy she longs for after her previous relationship failed in late 2012 (we met mid 2014 and started dating end of 2014). Note that I was the 3rd guy she's engaged to and her 4th 6+months relationship at her age of 25.

I'm hurting, but I feel pity for her. I imagine in a few years, she'll repeat the same thing with another guy/gal unless she decides that she really needs to change something. As far as I know, my relationship with her solidified her view of becoming either a spinster cat lady or single mother.

[labowski]

Dazed,

You are speaking directly to my experience. I totally understand what you're saying and believe we are kindred in our feelings as well.

I hate that i got played. I ruminate over it all the time. How and when the power shifted, how and when the painting/splitting shifted, all the warning signs, the time lines, the words that didn't mean "I Love you" even when she was triangulating and gave a manipulative, "I Love you". I go back and forth on feelings constantly. There will be no closure, she doesn't know what I know and how I now see through her. But it wouldn't do any good to tell her or shame her or yell at her. She's simply not worth it. I also was lied to about her Ex and her divorce and money issues; its whatever can serve them. Everyone is collateral damage and I thought I was the exception to the rule. But we are not. We are simply in the wake of their condition. Swim parallel for a while and head for solid ground.

[KarmasReal]

Totally know what you mean here. I'm 7 weeks out and still hate the thought of going to work because it feels so forced and like my body is there but my mind is still in the FOG I guess. It is clearing somewhat but not fast enough. I'm constantly going over timelines, when her behavior changed, why it did, what did I do, etc. I feel like I'll never know and yeah I feel ripped up inside. I probably won't get closure either. Although this limbo is horrible I think I would rather have the answers, if I could get them, but she probably doesn't even know what they are at this point. I guess we have to come up with our own best answers, know we did the best we could, try to become better from the experience and move on.

Also Leonis, funny last sentence my ex said she never wanted to marry again and would end up a spinster old maid. Maybe on some level they know they can't be in a LTR. Once those looks go it's gonna be a sad existence for them.