Coming out of the FOG and still feeling guilty...

[Herodias]

 My step father has just gotten out of the hospital. My Mother has the early stages of dementia. She is very narcissistic herself. She is almost angry he is even home as we thought he could have died. She doesn't want to "have" to take care of him. They are both trying to make me feel badly for each of them and pushing me to help. I am constantly trying to "make "them happy and comfortable. This morning, my step father called at 8:45am worried about my Mother not having her wine... .she only had half a bottle. Now seeing that she is diabetic and shouldn't even be drinking it, I would say that is plenty for tonight! I refuse to drive 40 minutes to their house to bring wine and enable this behavior. They are both sitting around doing the poor me thing. It's awful. I just went running over there last night with food and other supplies they needed. I have talked with my step brother who is a doctor about it and he said they have to take care of themselves. They need to be active to get better, but they won't do a thing for themselves!  My step father is 81 and I know he is having a hard time... .my mother is 70 and always depressed.  They went on and on how another person my age has bought them food and came over with two bottles of wine for my mom a couple days ago. I said that was really nice... .but this is to make me feel bad I guess because look how nice that person is being. Not look how nice I have been for all I have done for them. They do thank me, but not on and on the way they are with other people. I saw my ex(narcissist)Mother in law  do the same thing with her neighbors who are a young couple. My exes sister was so upset about it, she started calling the neighbors her replacement and calling her mother by her first name. Do they all know they are doing this? Maybe in some way... .I think it is manipulating behavior... .I think they all just want a bunch of sympathy and attention and they know it works if we let it. This time I didn't let it. I told my step father that I would not enable that behavior. What he did next, I do not know... .but worrying about having enough wine at 8:45 am is ridiculous and coming from a complete background of alcoholics. I am done! They should know better than to ask me for that. It just makes me angry. I know I am doing the right thing by not enabling her as I told him. I had to ask my step brother if I did the right thing though... .He said yes. I just feel bad they are in the situation they are in and I am doing all I can right now. My sister helps allot too. She is out of town right now, so they are relying on me. They said they don't want to bother her having a nice vacation... .yet I am working and getting divorced on Friday and having my own stress! I am trying to breathe... .when does life get easier and happier? I feel like I am just going from one problem to the next anymore... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Herodias

So sorry about the situation with your parents.  Then, dealing with a divorce.  You have a lot on your plate .  Unfortunately, at 70 years of age, your mom isn't going to change.  You will have to keep avoiding the FOG.  Looks like you have been around the website for awhile.  You have probably gone through some of the lessons.  It could be helpful to revisit the FOG lessons again.

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Why don't you do something nice for yourself this week.  Treat yourself to something special.  Maybe a salon appt., a new outfit, a flowering plant (or cut flowers).  It doesn't have to be anything expensive.  Maybe a nice long scenic walk at a park or beach or perhaps you can buy some essential oils and have a few nice warm baths.  I sometimes draw a nice warm bath with lavender oil and epsom salts. (just add a candle or two, some soothing music, a little mindful meditation).

My elderly parents both passed recently at age 92 (within 6 months of each other).  Even in the best of situations, without any mental disorders, it can be a tough situation.  My dad didn't want anyone he didn't know to come into their home, so that presented a challenge.  "Fallen and I can't get up" becomes a reality at some point, and not just a silly commercial.

I agree with you about the wine.  Not a necessity and a bad idea for an elderly person with the start of dementia and diabetes. (especially in view of the history). Any way to use something like Amazon's services to purchase and deliver something they may need (or some similar service).  If they live in a rural area, might not be an option. 

Has your mom received an official diagnosis of beginning dementia? I guess with a step son who is a doctor, that has likely happened.  How much difficulty does she have with memory, at this point?

I can see how annoying it can get when your mom gushes over a helping neighbor.  The neighbor shouldn't  be helping by buying wine, but a willing neighbor can help in a pinch with other things.

Your step brother has a point, in that if your mom and step dad don't stay active, their health will fail more quickly.  They may need some assistance with some things like housekeeping.  Are they able to pay someone to maybe come out once a week and assist them with cleaning? 

Hang in there.  I know it can be a challenge.  A 40 minute drive to your parent's house makes it tough on you. Hopefully, your sister will be back from vacation soon.  Does step brother live closer to your parents?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Herodias,

I’m sorry your parents are being so challenging. It’s no wonder you feel like you’re going from one problem to the next, with a divorce to deal with.



I would agree with your brother, that you did the right thing. But NPD can be so persuasive and so manipulative that they do have us second guess all the time. When we are feel more vulnerable ourselves the manipulation techniques of the NPD are that more potent, so well done in seeing it for what it is and keeping those boundaries up.