truth

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't know about any of you but I seem to be dying to know the truth. Everything logical points to the fact that she cheated and is with a new guy now. We were together for 5 years and typically as I'm sure many of you have done I ignored all the red flags and stuck with her the whole time. I yelled and got mad and ultimately kicked her out but I had no choice. She adamantly denies everything but it makes me feel stupid. I can't seem to get any closure. She was my best friend and even 3 days before she left we hung out had sex and everything was good. I recognize that she tried but it was all lies so nothing she said was good enough.  It's so messed up to just be able to detach like this. Should I press for the truth or just accept what I already know. I stupidly sent her a text yesterday accusing her of being with someone I know. Her only response to this and about 30 other messages before that was "nope. But drive yourself crazy". What kills me is she has no empathy it's like she genuinely doesn't care that I actually am driving myself crazy. This person I was closer to than anyone on earth just dismisses me like I'm nothing. It's just so hard to accept. I knoe messaging her is the wrong thing to do and no matter what I can't be with her again. She will never be honest and even if she was and admits to being with other guys... then what? I could never let that go. Not to mention my family and friends would think I'm an idiot and she would have zero respect for me... .not that she has any anyways. It's just so odd that we loved each other. ... I'm putting my heart on the line and she doesn't care. It's like it's easier to just lie and be with someone else. How can she not value 5 years together? Am I crazy? I don't know what normal is anymore.

[Venny]

I don't know about any of you but I seem to be dying to know the truth. Everything logical points to the fact that she cheated and is with a new guy now. We were together for 5 years and typically as I'm sure many of you have done I ignored all the red flags and stuck with her the whole time. I yelled and got mad and ultimately kicked her out but I had no choice. She adamantly denies everything but it makes me feel stupid. I can't seem to get any closure. She was my best friend and even 3 days before she left we hung out had sex and everything was good. I recognize that she tried but it was all lies so nothing she said was good enough.  It's so messed up to just be able to detach like this. Should I press for the truth or just accept what I already know. I stupidly sent her a text yesterday accusing her of being with someone I know. Her only response to this and about 30 other messages before that was "nope. But drive yourself crazy". What kills me is she has no empathy it's like she genuinely doesn't care that I actually am driving myself crazy. This person I was closer to than anyone on earth just dismisses me like I'm nothing. It's just so hard to accept. I knoe messaging her is the wrong thing to do and no matter what I can't be with her again. She will never be honest and even if she was and admits to being with other guys... then what? I could never let that go. Not to mention my family and friends would think I'm an idiot and she would have zero respect for me... .not that she has any anyways. It's just so odd that we loved each other. ... I'm putting my heart on the line and she doesn't care. It's like it's easier to just lie and be with someone else. How can she not value 5 years together? Am I crazy? I don't know what normal is anymore.

[Venny]

I should also mention that we had a dog together. We raised it from 6 weeks old it was her baby. When she first left she missed him like crazy. I was being a hard ass because she had abandoned him so many times.  She used him as an object not as a living thing. I then realized she got a new dog! If she can replace her baby so easily and quickly she can of course replace me. It's just so crazy how I can go from being her savior and the best thing that ever happened to her to suddenly being her trigger and the reason for her unhappiness. I had more patience than anyone. It just became too much and then I'm to blame. How can I be with someone who lies and likely cheats? Nothing was ever resolved and it was the same thing over and over. It just kills me that obviously some new guy will be great at first but there's no substance. And she would rather that than me who actually loves her we have history together

[Herodias]

You will never know the truth... .just accept that now. You are probably correct in what your gut is telling you. Believe that!  Mine left me his cat and then went out and got another one with his gf. He doesn't care. We are all replaceable like a new toy. It stinks but it is the way it is. She is correct; you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out and she likes that. Just stop texting her, you will not feel good about yourself if you do not. Tell her some final thing if you like, but be careful how you say it... .You do not want her to become vengeful. Keep the dog - they torture them too. Mine looked for him for a long time. I think she still does... .He would do the same to her as he did to me. He would be all over the top happy to see her and play with her, then he would get drunk and demand he came to her. She didn't like being around him drunk. Feel bad for anyone or anything that is in their lives. Pull yourself together. It's not her that you are missing... it's having someone who you believed was the person you loved. They don't care that you were there for so long and have a history. Actually they think less of you for it. The new people don't know their bad side and treat them different. They sit on their pedestal for awhile and then they will move on once the mask falls again. It's a cycle that never ends. It doesn't matter who you are. Wouldn't you rather be with someone that does care and that is real? Think about it. This is a life lesson for us. We need to respect ourselves before we can meet anyone who will do the same back. Take care... .Be strong. 

[C.Stein]

I don't know about any of you but I seem to be dying to know the truth. Everything logical points to the fact that she cheated and is with a new guy now.

Yea man, I know the feeling.  I don't have solid proof that my ex cheated either, but there are too many indications/signs that she was at the very least getting emotionally involved with someone a minimum of 3 months before she threw me away.  

Venny ... .you will never get the answer you want ... .I will never get the answer I want.   The combination of the indications/signs plus what my instincts are telling me is all I need to know the truth.  I don't need her to admit to it (which she never will anyhow).  To be honest, I am not interested in anything my ex has to say because in this case her telling me the truth is highly unlikely.  Even if she were to tell me the truth it would be quickly followed by excuses and blame shifting onto me, and I really don't want to hear that.

What is your gut telling you Venny?

[NCEA]

Hire a private detective.

[gotbushels]

Hire a private detective.

Oh dear. There's obsession.



Hi Venny 

You have my support. Oftentimes as an SO--BP or not--we feel the truth will help us. You seem to be quite unforgiving toward yourself. I'm getting a lot of that as well as guilt from your description of how you ignored the red flags and how "normal" things seemed to be immediately before the breakup. I would encourage you to be a bit more compassionate with yourself. It helped me when I was moving from cut to healing.

The spinning was one of the worst parts. Have you got any plans that can help you get some fresh air? Any hobbies or ways to get out into nature? For me, when I went to do those things, it didn't change things but it helped me get space to think things through and make the spinning go slower. Mutt also dropped you some great advice here. Beyond that, know that it gets easier and to observe your self talk. It helps a lot at these kinds of times. You are not like a "nothing" because of a breakup.

I hope you get some rest:)

[Fr4nz]

I don't know about any of you but I seem to be dying to know the truth. Everything logical points to the fact that she cheated and is with a new guy now. We were together for 5 years and typically as I'm sure many of you have done I ignored all the red flags and stuck with her the whole time. I yelled and got mad and ultimately kicked her out but I had no choice. She adamantly denies everything but it makes me feel stupid. I can't seem to get any closure. She was my best friend and even 3 days before she left we hung out had sex and everything was good. I recognize that she tried but it was all lies so nothing she said was good enough.  It's so messed up to just be able to detach like this. Should I press for the truth or just accept what I already know. I stupidly sent her a text yesterday accusing her of being with someone I know. Her only response to this and about 30 other messages before that was "nope. But drive yourself crazy". What kills me is she has no empathy it's like she genuinely doesn't care that I actually am driving myself crazy. This person I was closer to than anyone on earth just dismisses me like I'm nothing. It's just so hard to accept. I knoe messaging her is the wrong thing to do and no matter what I can't be with her again. She will never be honest and even if she was and admits to being with other guys... then what? I could never let that go. Not to mention my family and friends would think I'm an idiot and she would have zero respect for me... .not that she has any anyways. It's just so odd that we loved each other. ... I'm putting my heart on the line and she doesn't care. It's like it's easier to just lie and be with someone else. How can she not value 5 years together? Am I crazy? I don't know what normal is anymore.

Detaching so fast, as well as the emotional coldness and apparent lack of empathy when they detach -- as if you meant nothing to them -- is typical of BPDs.

I have to say that this is what we usually observe in the context of a relationship with BPDs... .yet, I feel your pain, I endured the same.

My suggestion is to let her go, and do not contact her for any reason.

It will be very painful but there's nothing you can do at this point, and you have to focus on your emotional well-being: she has a personality disorder, so arguing with her or asking her the truth would be utterly pointless. Even worse, she could play the victim. Let her go.