Re-reading old texts, noticing patterns

[insideoutside]

I know I shouldn't but I can't help but re-read the many texts exchanged between me and my friend.  Some bought a smile to my face; so made me sad; some I noticed a clear pattern of push/pull.  For example, we would end texts with a kiss, then after a while it would be 'no more kisses' which I adhered to, then he'd start with the kisses again until I reminded him not to. He'd start up 'naughty' conversations and then a bit of banter wound go back and forth then it would be 'no more naughty texting' then it would be no more texting period, just telephone calls.  This happened roughly every 2-3 weeks.  Any thoughts on this particular push/pull as this is the reason why we no longer speak.

Also I'm so tempted to reach out to him again but have so far convinced myself it's not a good idea.

[Meili]

Could it be a pattern of his starting to feel close and intimate, thus triggering his fears and the subsequent desire to push you away so that he doesn't get hurt? Then, when his fear subsides he lets his guard down and the cycle repeats?

I think that trying to figure out why you no longer talk is a futile endeavor though. We can never know what goes on in the mind of others.

[insideoutside]

Could it be a pattern of his starting to feel close and intimate, thus triggering his fears and the subsequent desire to push you away so that he doesn't get hurt? Then, when his fear subsides he lets his guard down and the cycle repeats?

I think that trying to figure out why you no longer talk is a futile endeavor though. We can never know what goes on in the mind of others.

The 'no texting' rule for the umpteenth time is definitely the reason why we stopped talking as I lost my temper over it (not realising it was push/pull as I thought he was playing head games) and said things in the heat of the moment.

I did feel he was starting to feel closer to me so it could be the reason.  The only thing we ever got picky with each other over was this texting rule.  Friendship ruined over a stupid rule.

[Meili]

[The only thing we ever got picky with each other over was this texting rule.  Friendship ruined over a stupid rule.

A stupid rule to you perhaps, but maybe to him it was something to try to stay safe. But, once again, we'll never know what goes on in the minds of others.

Why did you lose your temper over it?

[insideoutside]

[The only thing we ever got picky with each other over was this texting rule.  Friendship ruined over a stupid rule.

A stupid rule to you perhaps, but maybe to him it was something to try to stay safe. But, once again, we'll never know what goes on in the minds of others.

Why did you lose your temper over it?

Indeed; it was only after my T saying he could be BPD that I started reading up on it and the push/pull made sense but by then it was sadly too late even though I had apologised which he accepted but I was told to 'leave it alone now'.

I lost my temper as we had got close, I could sense it and he was making silly joke texts to initiate conversation.  I thought he trusted me to have his back and I thought here we go again, more head games.  We had agreed to talk that night but I could sense he was 'off' so to give him space I said not to worry about talking as I had a headache and we'd catch up later in the week.  This triggered 3 calls to my mobile in quick succession which I couldn't answer.  When I eventually could call him back he sounded all concerned and asked if I was ok.  He then went on to say about the texting and although he knows he initiates most of them we need to go back to phone calls only etc.  I put the phone down on him and seriously lost my cool in a succession of texts.  I realise now that by saying don't worry about talking might had triggered his fear of abandonment hence the 3 phone calls and him pushing me away before I could do it to him.

Sadly this only made sense after the event and after researching BPD.

[Meili]

Yeah, it is sad. Many of us have no real understanding until after the fact.

Have you considered what kept you in that dynamic?

[Mars22]

Could it be a pattern of his starting to feel close and intimate, thus triggering his fears and the subsequent desire to push you away so that he doesn't get hurt? Then, when his fear subsides he lets his guard down and the cycle repeats?

I think that trying to figure out why you no longer talk is a futile endeavor though. We can never know what goes on in the mind of others.

The 'no texting' rule for the umpteenth time is definitely the reason why we stopped talking as I lost my temper over it (not realising it was push/pull as I thought he was playing head games) and said things in the heat of the moment.

I did feel he was starting to feel closer to me so it could be the reason.  The only thing we ever got picky with each other over was this texting rule.  Friendship ruined over a stupid rule.

I have our entire year long relationship log saved on text messaging and its crazy to see how she acted. Even crazier that I actually played into it. It stunning to read now.

I can easily say that texting was a MAJOR contributor as to why we are not together anymore.She would rage over text at me, getting emotionally divisive and always blamed me for being angry when, had she just picked up the phone she could hear I'm not angry at all. She would project her own insecurities, anger; emotions onto me and assumed that I was also angry. And when i would tell her I'm not, and to 'call me please'... she would insist I was angry and she can't talk to me while I'm that angry and would go silent. When in reality?... I wasn't mad, however - she did push me to be extremely frustrated. Its like she provoked and manipulated me into then being the very angry she was exhibiting. When, she was the sole source of the anger and blame to begin with?. I felt so helpless, it was maddening to me. My head hurts even thinking about it now.

Time and time again I would bring up how we must not communicate in this manner, over text. That 'were are adults and not 2 high schoolers' and that Adults express how they feel in person and through actual conversation. Of course in retrospect, that was wrong knowing what i know now... all that just made things worse for her I assume. Now, I was calling her a child. (OOF) I tried to initiate the 'no texting' rule for major conversations but, she would always push/pull over text. Looking back over our entire year together, we MAYBE spoke the phone 5 or 6 times. #6 being the last time we ever spoke ever.  She would just avoid having any conversation. It really made no sense to me so, no knowing about her illness I played into the texting because - its the ONLY WAY she was able to actually communicate her feelings... that and email.

I'm old school perhaps but, I need to hear your voice. It was horrible and I will not tolerate having a 'texting war' ever again.