Feeling good but still sad at times

[Rickybee]

1 year out, its true what they say it does get easier, i thought about her and what she did to me so much i cant anymore... i pretty much a year obsessing over her and my replacement, since xmas tho ive been no contact... blocked her and moved on... i kept stalking her fb tho thru another account... to see what she is up to... i realized it was far to painful to be doing this so i quit and dont look now... havent in weeks... i get the urge but dont want to see her face and be hurt some more, its too painful so ive just deleted her from existence in my mind... or at least most the time... i recently had spinal surgery... it made me think of her... if we were still together she prolly wouldnt have even visited me in hospital, thats how she rolled... i posted recently about her following me on instagram, i instantly blocked her so i think she understands to stay away, she looks happy with my replacement and just wants to rub it in and hurt me more, for why i dont know, i did nothing to deserve it other than love her deeply, i feel like i took some power back blocking her for a change as she blocked me and cut and run after i founf out she was cheating... so yeh nice to know she followed me and i slammed the door in her face, so evil and cruel, i dnt think she is even fully aware of the gravity of what she did to me, she is a diff person day to day and her memory was awful, or at least she led me to believe that, anyway... screw her... and screw him... was horrible the way they sneaked around behind my back, all i ever did was love her and be there for her, ive elaborated on me story before some are aware of the depths she took me too, hope everybody is doing ok... thoughts welcome x

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Ricky-

Congratulations on making it through that year; detachment can be challenging and brings up a lot of stuff.

As you shift your focus from her to you and from the past to the future, what does your bright future look like?  Who's in it?  What are you doing?  How do you feel about the awesome life you've created?

[Rickybee]

Thank you, tbh its not so perfect my new life, ive been struggling to walk with two slipped discs in my back, had emergency surgery and recovering atm, when healed ill be brand new... feels great feels like ive been given a second chance at life, trouble is im having too much time laying around so its brought up thoughts of what happened to me regarding her... it passes... i would love to meet somebody nice and start a family and settle down, thats all i wanted when with the evil exBPD... scares me that i wont get it as i dont get out around females much and not really in the dating scene... there are a couple of nice chicks on my fb i would love to ask out but im just not very forward like that... but yeh i just want a happy family to love and share my life with, it cuts me deep to think that she ay have kids soon with my replacement, after promising me kids and then suddenly having an episode and aborting my child, then to talk later in the relationship about how i would be an amazing dad and we should start a family, this was in the weeks leading up to her discarding me for her secret lover... she knows how much i want to be a dad before i get to old, she crushed so many dreams i now fee lost and like i will never have the chance again  if that s wht my life is ment to be then that the way its ment to be... sad story concidering all the good i feel ive done for bad people only to be treated awful) sorry feeling a bit sorry for myself x

[fromheeltoheal]

tbh its not so perfect my new life, ive been struggling to walk with two slipped discs in my back, had emergency surgery and recovering atm, when healed ill be brand new.

That's great Ricky, a brand new back!  Your current life doesn't need to be the life of your dreams yet, as long as you have dreams and make them big and bright, something to aim for yes?  And it's the journey not the destination that is right now, and makes us feel alive, and the vision for our future comes in handy when we get a little off course on that journey.

.feels great feels like ive been given a second chance at life, trouble is im having too much time laying around so its brought up thoughts of what happened to me regarding her

Yeah, the mind will wander with idle time, more reason for the dream.  You're probably doing pain drugs too, which can screw up your serenity and balance, but I see you able to leap tall buildings in a single bound not long from now!

scares me that i wont get it as i dont get out around females much and not really in the dating scene... there are a couple of nice chicks on my fb i would love to ask out but im just not very forward like that... but yeh i just want a happy family to love and share my life with,

That happy family life starts with you and starts with that dream, which you already seem pretty clear on.  And that happy family obviously starts with a woman, and once your back is better it will serve you to modify you life as necessary to spend more time around available women.  Best to let go of "nice chicks" too and opt for beautiful women instead, in fact, if you think a woman is beautiful, tell her that, right now, partly for the practice and partly to see what kind of reaction you get.  Women won't be forward, open and honest with you initially so we get to learn how to read signs, kind of fun really, think of it like a puzzle, but it's up to us to do the straightforward communication; women appreciate that and expect it.  

sorry feeling a bit sorry for myself

That's alright, I've spent so much time on the pity pot I got a ring on my ass.  But set a time limit on it, beat yourself up and become convinced your life sucks for half an hour, set an alarm, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a shower, brush your teeth, and go out and tell a beautiful woman she's beautiful.  But don't woo her too strongly just yet, she may hug you, and your back man, watch your back!  But really though, it's our heaven or our hell if we say so.  Take care of you!