Hi Sarah girl I just wanted to have your feedback on how to deal with raging or angry outbursts. Is it better to:
a) remain unresponsive and walk away/shut it down (or hang up the phone)
b) validate calmly "sorry you feel this way"
c) verbalize boundary "you have no right to speak to me this way"
d) something much better that I can't come up with on my own... .
I'm still learning about this myself. I think our best actions will depend on the exact situation.
OPTION A: One time, when my uBPDs and I were at our deceased parent's home, during the sales process, I did successfully flip her "rage switch" off, by just calmly leaving the room without comment. I went out into the yard and started some gardening activity and my sister eventually came out and carried on as if nothing happened.
On a 2nd occasion at our parent's home, uBPD was "in a mood" and obviously had a chip on her shoulder, she lunged towards me in extreme rage, called me a F'ing "B" and said "You always have to talk down to me". I stepped away from her. I had a document relative to our deceased parents that needed her signature. I just stated, "If you don't want to sign this document, then we can't send in the insurance docs. She signed the document and I promptly left, without further discussion. That appeared to be the safest option at the time. She needed to cool off.
OPTION A, AGAIN : Others have given the example of: "Sorry you are angry, I need to let you go. We can have a discussion at a later time when you aren't angry", then hang up the phone.
OPTION B: Looks like a good start with some validation.
I think you will find the information at the links below helpful. The, "TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind" exercise has several pages and helpful discussion.
A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflictTriggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mindTOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mindhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0;allHow about this?
Feel -> PAUSE -> observe -> think -> act . . . .
You can't stop a freight train. Step aside, listen but don't engage as you watch it pass you by. Once the noise quiets down and you can hear yourself think again you can engage. Works for me with clients that sometimes get pushy and irate.
In the midst of an intense conversation that is escalating and unproductive, practice Delay, Distract, Depersonalize, and Detach.
Delay. Tell the other person, "Why don't we think about things and talk about this later?" or "Give me some time to think about what you're saying." Speak calmly and in a way that affirms the other person as well as yourself, without necessarily confirming their claims: "I'm feeling upset right now. Your feelings are important to me and I need some time to understand them."
Distract. Suggest, for instance, that the two of you run an errand together.
Depersonalize. Throughout, you will do better if you remind yourself frequently that the BP's harsh criticism of you is not real, but still feels very real to that person. Don't take the other person's comments personally, however cutting or cruel they may feel to you. This is the nature of the disorder.
Detach. Remove yourself emotionally from getting caught up in the emotional whirlwind. Resolve to yourself, "I'm not going to get so involved in this."
This is especially true not just in moments of high negativity, but in moments of high positive emotions. Impulsivity is a key trait of people with BPD, and while it can show up in negative actions—like throwing something through a window or telling you you're a monster and he never wants to see you again—it can also show up in positive actions: Telling you she adores you and wants to get married, right now or tomorrow. A BP's positive impulsivity can be very seductive. Detaching yourself can help you guard against it.
The emotional cycle that a person with BPD goes through can be compared to a row of dominos. One trigger, one push of the first domino, and the entire row falls in rapid succession. Your job is to try to remove your own "domino" from the row. You can also learn what makes the dominos fall. Pay attention to your experiences and anticipate ways to keep things calm. If you can calm yourself, the adrenaline doesn't flow through your system, and you can begin to try to steer the volatile relationship into less stormy seas.
It may help if you remind yourself, "I can't help that person's splitting. I can't help that person's shame. I can't help that person's fear. I can't control those things. What I can control is how I respond. And if I respond calmly, not impulsively, perhaps I can lower the temperature and help us find new ways to respond to each other and manage the BPD."
This doesn't mean caving in, however. Simply adopting a "whatever you say, dear" is not good for your own mental health, and it's not good for the person with BPD, either.
