New member

[Sarah May]

Hi.  Very glad to have found this group.  I need support.  My ex has BPD. We were casual acquaintances for about two years,  exercise buddies, when he asked me out.  I was nursing my wounds over a 6 year relationship that had not worked out , and I was vulnerable.  He was very sweet at first.  I thought of him as a gentle, straightforward soul who had the capacity to be a real friend and partner.  I was wrong.  Within a month he was having rages.  There were a lot of rules about intimacy.  HeY started to feel on edge and crazy.  Normal communication skills did not work.  I was very confused.  I broke things off at 3 months and went no contact.  6 weeks later we tried to go back to the casual friendship.  Then real craziness began.  He was courting other women, staying in contact with his ex, and telling me he loved me.  I finally had to cut him off completely and leave all activities and common communities.  Two days after I went no contact this second time, his ex committed suicide.  Now 2 months after that he is in a new relationship with a woman he was lining up while we were dating.  I feel awful because he used me to manipulate his ex and the new woman to manipulate me.  I am free now, but issues of core shame and dirtiness keep coming up when I am reminded of what happened.  It got very crazy very quickly.  I was in a relationship with him on and off for 5 months and the emotional damage left me feeling suicidal.  Intellectually I understand what happened and my part in not going slowly and thoroughly vetting him, but I feel sick inside.  Help! o

[Moselle]

I feel awful because he used me to manipulate his ex and the new woman to manipulate me.  I am free now, but issues of core shame and dirtiness keep coming up when I am reminded of what happened.  It got very crazy very quickly.  I was in a relationship with him on and off for 5 months and the emotional damage left me feeling suicidal.  Intellectually I understand what happened and my part in not going slowly and thoroughly vetting him, but I feel sick inside.  Help! o

Sarah May, welcome to the family

Its very normal to come to this group feeling awful. Almost all of us can relate and empathise, so you're in good company here . I'm so sorry you are going through such pain. No-one deserves this

One thing I notice about your story is that you have a solid grip on the dynamics at play. That's a big advantage

What I've learned through my journey, and which you highlight is that this is equally about feelings and emotions, which unfortunately for many are not necessarily logical or rational

Often we need some therapy to handle this side of things. You mentioned that you feel suicidal at times. Are you still feeling that way?

What kind of help are you looking for, empathy, advice or solutions?

[seenr]

I'm sorry you feel so bad so quickly after meeting this person but toxic people can leave us feeling that way, like a whirlwind.

I encourage you to keep speaking out here - I only joined recently & have found this board very helpful.

[Lucky Jim]

issues of core shame and dirtiness keep coming up when I am reminded of what happened.  It got very crazy very quickly.  I was in a relationship with him on and off for 5 months and the emotional damage left me feeling suicidal. 

Hey Sarah, Welcome!  We get it when it comes to BPD.  Your experience follows a familiar pattern.  Be grateful that it only lasted five months; for many of us (read: me), it was years of turmoil and unhappiness.  Emotions often run high in a BPD r/s and, as you note, it can leave one feeling devastated and suicidal.  I nearly destroyed myself in a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW.  Generally speaking, the pwBPD will shift blame for the b/u to the Non, so be careful about assuming that you are responsible for the way things ended.  I doubt that there is anything you could have done to change the outcome.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Sarah May]

Thank you for your responses.  I am not currently feeling suicidal.  I got into therapy quickly with a specialist in trauma.  I realized from other work I have done in the past that this man had kicked up issues from my childhood.  I also did a short course of antidepressants to stop the symptoms of hyper arousal.  I was a wreck with pounding heart, nightmares, and other symptoms of anxiety.  Whoever it was that wrote the borderlines give us the gift of putting us in touch with our inner selves was not kidding.  This man opened up a festering well of childhood trauma and I have begun again the journey of healing. 

I just want to add as an interesting anecdote, when I was younger I fit many of the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD.  I am not longer symptomatic however.  I have many years of sobriety and other recovery behind me and years of work in therapy.  My father was the borderline/narcisist  parent in my home and my mother had Aspergers and was an alcoholic.  I was neglected and abused for years and years.  My childhood laid the groundwork for a life on an emotional roller coaster as well as one of engaging with others equally impaired.  I am writing this to let you know that recovery is possible.  It is rare, but it is possible.  I wanted to live and wanted to climb out of the darkness and to have a good life.  I am happy for the most part and have a stable, productive life.  The piece that continues to elude me is the relationship sector.  I can't shake the imprinting of my past.  All I can say is that I have learned to spot unhealthy people more quickly and not to get involved.  I don't crave pain any more.  I may never be attracted to normal, but at least I don't have to live in hell on earth. 

[Moselle]

Sarah May,

I could see your high level of self awareness in the first post.

I think you have lots of growth in the bank and this is another bit to bank away. I'd like to recognise your courage for facing your truths.

I know its early days from this break up, but you've come so far. It may be that a healthy relationship is just round the corner for you.  Life can be like that. We just don't know what is possible.

So glad that you got help early.  Hang in there.

[Wize]

Hi Sarah.  Welcome to the board.  The nice thing about this place is that the people here can relate to you.  Unlike normal relationships, a relationship with a BPD can do a lot of damage very quickly.  So the length of the relationship does not determine the pain we experience.  For you, the pain of this current breakup is compounded with the pain of your breakup with the 6 year relationship. So you probably feel like you're getting absolutely hammered by life.  You just can't catch a break.  But, believe it or not, you did catch a break by getting the heck away from this toxic person.

These breakups with pwBPD can leave us feeling totally helpless and lost because we are struggling to make sense of what happened.  The experience is so unusual and painful that it can't be compared to anything else.  But the members here at bpdfamily understand, we're some of the only people who can. 

Breathe a lot, take walks, exercise, cry, feel the pain and just be very patient with the healing process. It'll take some time.  But I can assure you, as someone who is going through the same thing you are, these BPD relationships make us stronger, wiser and better people.  You'll be ok. 

[bunny4523]

Sarah,

Welcome and I'm so proud of you for getting away.  You knew inside of you over a short time what it takes many of us to realize in years.    Try and give yourself a break, forgive yourself for trusting someone who was untrustworthy.  That is not on you, that is on him.  You continue to trust and love, that is truely what the best relatinships are all about.

I agree with many of the posts about your awareness - you seem to have a very strong awareness of the dynamics here and what you have been through.  You are farther ahead than you realize.  Keep moving forward, the worst part is behind you.

Take care,

Bunny

[JQ]

Hello Sarah Mae,

Welcome to the group   I'm glad you were able to find your way through the FOG to get to us.  As others have eluded too, you're story is similar to so many here, but all unique in the own way.  You are certainly well versed in therapy, recognizing triggers and most things that come with having a relationship with someone who is BPD.  I'm very happy to hear that your therapist is experienced in trauma because most would agree that "us" aka "NONs" experienced trauma and as you've experienced and most will testify too, a really good therapist experienced in Trauma & BPD / Codependent r/s is one of the very important key's to success on your journey.

You'll find no one here that will judge you on your actions, what you say or the things you express because we've been where you're at. You are among friends.    I would agree with what Bunny has said, "You are farther ahead than you realize". One foot in front of the other, baby steps on your journey to a better you, a happier you. As you've experienced before on your journey you will stumble as we all have, but if you look behind you you'll see the group with a hand out wanting to pull you back up  on you feet. We'll dust you off, straighten you back up then it's up to you to decide what path you want to choose to continue on.

I would also agree with what Lucky Jim told you, "I doubt that there is anything you could have done to change the outcome.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last, "  Even my r/s with my BPD step mother & BPD step sister has been & is currently in a NC / LC status. I have found it's better for me NOT to deal with their flying monkey's so I got off the crazy train roller coaster and as it sounds as if you've left the train station too choosing to take a cab. 

We're pretty anonymous here so feel free to tell us what you want in order to help yourself along your journey. Come to vent and tell more of your story, ask questions, get opinions to assist you on your journey. It's somewhat therapeutic too.

Stay safe and be well


J