Letting go of the girl I love most?

[MyBPDExIsCrazy]

My ex has not been professionally diagnosed but I am confident with 99% certainty that she is borderline. After a rage episode once, she told me she would get help, but now blames me and says I made her crazy.

Background: We have been together for roughly a year and a half. She used to express how she wanted to marry me and have my children. Young love had led us to planning to move together as I was attending community college [just finished] preparing for a transfer to a UC.

Communication issues were the first sign I recognized in the relationship as my logical/analytical mind desires to talk about things that bother me/her so we can discuss how to progress moving forward. Accomplishing this on both our ends was a feat comparable to moving mountains, and nothing could enable her to meet me halfway without quickly pointing out that I do the same thing I just accused her of doing. It was astounding to me at first, I thought I was being the most reasonable man on the planet by doing three things, showing I was listening, apologizing for the way she feels, and discussing a plan of action on how it would change moving forward. It worked great on my end, but when it was her time to reciprocate, it would become "Now, you're turning this around on me"

As the relationship progressed, rage episodes ensued over minute things and resulted in her walking away (even if at 3 AM) and being inconsolable and overwhelmed with her "anxiety" to which she would say I could not fix because she did not know any way I could console her no matter how hard I would try.

We had previously broken up a few months back for about a month or so which did not involve either one of us seeing other people. I was painted black and she did not try to reconcile at all, other than a "Happy Easter" text but then again, who knows what the meaning behind that really was. She claimed she had blocked me following that text and when I finally reached out to fix things because I had missed her so much she acted surprised, or in disbelief that I had not tried to text her back, she did not believe me.

With initial resistance, I prevailed through my efforts to break down her guard, and once intimacy ensued she broke down crying telling me she missed me. It was a breath of fresh air to feel like I had my baby back, not the disassociated, depersonalized, unemphatic girl that wanted me to work to have her back. She tried ending things a few weeks later and I called her that night, waded through the bs, and finally asked the GOLDEN QUESTION is this about me moving? She immediately broke down and I saw a sincere side from her I do not normally see, we ended up getting back together. It was like a switch had flipped and all the anger melted away with a simple question.

Two weeks ago, I had invited my girl to come cocktail with some family members and we could just have fun for the night. She started accusing me of attitude which to be quite frank, was not there. She proceeded by saying I was not answering her questions, therefore she was not going. Fastforward an hour later, she texted me saying "It's 9:00 PM, you told me 8:45 PM, you're always late" with a follow-up text saying "I don't want to go anyway, you're just going to make me feel uncomfortable"

I stopped responding, it was irrational and truthfully I did not want to argue. Anyone with a healthy sense of accountability should be able to acknowledge that was a little extreme. Two hours later, I was blocked from everything. My number, twitter, snapchat. I was virtually erased from her life. The next day, I downloaded a texting app to communicate where I told her I loved her and wanted to work on things, etc. I sent numerous messages with affection towards her and she told me to never contact her again, leave her alone, and said we're done.

I told myself it was temporary, she will come around. I waited the next day and received no further texts despite my efforts. The following night, I texted her on a different texting app because she had blocked me two previous times... .and told her to come over, I will make dinner, and we can talk. If you don't want to stay after, I promise to take you home. She followed up asking my Mother's birthday. I told her. She said Ok thanks. Blatantly ignored.

My heart is convinced that this girl loves me with everything she has, I am in denial and conflicted with my dignity and self-respect and this hero complex of mine. I showed up at her house unannounced to fix things, tired of waiting.

I see the real girl underneath this shell and as of that night it has officially been ended. It was slightly physical on her behalf and consisted of persistent, angry commands to get out of her [insert expletive here] house, threats directed towards me involving her telling her brother to remove my from the house, etc.

I left that night more angry than ever before. Anger down to my very core, but as more time progresses, I do miss her.

Also, she retweets/tweets about our relationship constantly with things that are shameful towards me and how a real man treats his woman, etc.

One of which that pissed me off was a tweet she wrote that she thinks she should go on dates with these nice guys that are trying to treat her right. It hadn't even been a week... .

I have never worried about her loyalty, it has never been a concern of mine. I don't know whether I should take that at face value or think that she's doing that purposely to hurt me.

Thought

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi MyBPDExIsCrazy,



I'm sorry that you had to go through that. A relationship break-up with a pwBPD is confusing, frustrating and painful. BPD behaviors  can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner but there's a reason why she behaves the way that she does. A pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection and anticipate that they will rejected, imagined or real. To you ir I 15 minutes late us just that, maybe you were stuck in traffic or had to work later but to your ex she thinks that she's being rejected.

I'm glad that you have found us. Many members share similar experiences and can offer you guidance and support. You're welcome to look around the site, we have many resources that you'll fund helpful. It helps to read as much as you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. You can also share on different boards - are you finished with the relationship?

[MyBPDExIsCrazy]

There is nothing worse than loving someone who severely under appreciated you and firmly believes you are the cause for everything wrong with the relationship and themselves.

[Mutt]

Agreed. I know it's tough. We're not responsible for the disorder. We didn't cause it and we can't cure it. It helps to learn about the disorder, that way we can depersonalize the behaviors.

[livednlearned]

There is nothing worse than loving someone who severely under appreciated you and firmly believes you are the cause for everything wrong with the relationship and themselves.

You feel hurt by her behavior and her inability to appreciate you. It's hard to give so much and receive such confusing behavior in return.

She may not be able to get past her own intense feelings and hurts, whether over real or perceived slights -- she has a fear of abandonment that some experts compare to having an emotional third-degree burn, constantly. Her intense emotions create cognitive distortions and impulsive behaviors, including ones that are destructive (pushing you away).

There are skills we work on here to help from making things worse. Are those skills you want to work on?

[MyBPDExIsCrazy]

I am hurt, I will admit it. Every ounce of blame has been projected towards me. I was completely rejected despite my efforts and disrespected beyond belief.

She still loves me and says she always will, but I am hurting and cannot fathom why these cognitive distortions are prevalent for so long. At what point is she able to see the light, to recognize that not everything is my fault and that she is not going to replace that pain with the attention from someone else.

I am a reasonable individual, but nothing frustrates me more than being painted black and having someone who loved and cared about you the night before want to hate you with every fiber of their being.

I am angry and to be honest, after being disrespected to the degree that I was while trying to reconcile and fix our issues, I do not think I put myself on the line like that again.

The sad truth is that she probably will not reach out because it's not in her nature. She's the type to subtly tweet about missing me, but will never act first and I won't expect that from her for a while.

I fear that this time the anger will blind her and it will cause her to make poor decisions with other people on the nights she goes out.