child abuse does not shut off at a certain age...I'm 47 and heart hurts always

[Sweet Annie]

I'm 47 and my mother gets pleasure out of causing me hurtful emotional pain daily (but secretly). Still tells me she hates me when no one is looking and keeps the rumors and lies going constantly in our small southern town. My younger brother and sister (42 & 40) have always been her babies and I have always been the outsider. She refuses to say she loves me and will avoid all contact until the opportunity arises to take something from me (like custody of youngest child) because of divorce or hard times, whenever possible. She will lie, cheat and steal to make family, friends, church members, judges, my older children and whoever will listen to keep me in defense mode at all times! I'm on my 3rd divorce and if it wasn't for my 12 year old,  I would rather just not wake up! My 22 year old college junior barely speaks to me and my 27 year old son purposefully lives 7 hours away and is distant.  Almost lost my house when the economy crashed 7 years ago and I was laid off from Exe position at hospital (along with 40% of the hospital staff and vehicles motor burned up within same week. Had to move 15 year old daughter permanently in with father because I couldn't take her to school and youngest was only 3.  She will never forgive me or trust me and my heart is broken on that one because we were so close and she needed me so much and I could not be there or take her, I will never forgive myself! I have been on my own since 19 and a self-supportive single-parent 3 times now without help but with no car or electricity, and no contact from entire family for 9 months, depression started to set in and I was exhausted and just wanted to go home with my child! My parents and grandparents have more money than they know what to do with but when I reached out because I had no car, no way to employment opportunities, and soon no electricity in Jan. everyone turned their heads and my mother made accusations and started rumors, I was shunned by entire family on both side including both older children, and thrown into isolation, defense and survival mode, yet again. Sleeping on friends couches with 3 year old and riding with others to employment.  Brother and sister were bother living with mother in mansion but I'm not allowed to spend the night.  Not jealous just never understood why she treated me so coldly and hurt fully when she knew no one was looking! Hurt when I was a kid and it still hurts just as bad at 47. Thru me in jail then rehab after locking my 3 year old and me in her basement for 19 hours. Police arrested me for (not sure) and thrown in rehab for (not sure) while still in pajamas. Restraint orders were placed against me coming within 500 feet of 3 yr old and no contact by phone or school. Baby was no allowed to ask where I was or say my name in my mothers house! Baby had never spent one night away from me her whole life. Court took 2 years! Rehab went on my behalf because no drugs from hair follicles and no with drawls if any kind and found mother to be lying and manipulating and found evidence where my mother had been trying to get now 5 year old, adopted by another family out of state secretly only so I could not have her. Sent attorneys to rehab last day to deed house away from me and sell but counsellors and administrative team already shipped me home to protect house and 2 years of court began with her money and her attorneys and her lies... .she lost terribly and I picked up my 5 year old from Christmas play that afternoon! Not a dry-eye in the gym that day when my 5 year old saw me standing in audience and belted of stage in her reindeer antlers! Her kindergarten teacher said not one day went by that she did not walk to her desk first thing with tears and say "I miss my mommy"!  She's 12 now and overheard my mother whisper in my ear Christmas evening that she wished I had never been born and why was I even in HER house? My mother has NEVER not been cruel to me and tortured me in my 47 years of life! Not invited on family vacations or to mother/daughter teas at her church with sister every year. Had daughter Baptized at her church at 10 after Bible school behind my back and was told after the fact and no invitation was extended to me. Husband and I separated and now rumors are flying that I'm on drugs and accusations are flying that I'm a cheater and a thief! Having hard time finding employment again (completed 6 month dental asst program) because reputation is again being ruined by allegations and accusations and I'm exhausted, paranoid, lonely and almost divorced. Trust no one and feel unloveable. Old friends will have nothing to do with me and new people are scared of my reputation! Can't find employment anywhere yet. Older children don't trust me and never visit and I'm alone and scared every minute of every day! Best and dearest friend of 40 years was killed 6 months before being literally blind-sided with divorce papers after 8 years of marriage! Youngest child's father and step-mother was killed 6 months before that and my mother still can't stand me! Last week was Mother's Day and like every Mother's Day since I can remember, she avoids all my calls and textes and spends the day with her "real kids"! 12 year olds at camp and didn't even get a call from my oldest two. Really don't think my phone as rung in 4 or 5 days! So lonely and socially awkward now!  People stay way because my life is... .well I would stay away from me too, hard not to be sad because my mama still refuses to acknowledge I'm alive and rest of family avoids me to avoid my pitiful 47 years of accomplishing 3 divorces and to sabatoge anything good that comes my way. I wonder what it feels like to know what unconditional love and "a soft place to fall" and being safe from bad people and bad things and dreams, feels like?  If your own mama can't love you though, who can?  And she has never said she loves me "only hate" my whole life! She laughs in my face a lot when she knows she's hurt my heart! Never have I ever felt the slickest bit of anything but pure and evil hatred towards me since way before I even understood it!  Want a mommy too! I would die for all 3 of mine right this second without blinking an eye so I just don't understand the pleasure she gets from spitting hot dogs in my face or spreading rumors?  The very last thing I ever want is for my children to not feel love! My heart aches when they hurt for anything so I don't understand!  This will never end but she's very good at keeping it hidden from the "outside" and "inside" world! She's beautiful and charismatic and wealthy and a church going every time the doors open lady! And she's very convincing to others that I'm not a very good daughter, sister, mother, friend or wife! Can't just get over your mother hating you when you feel it every minute of every day for 47 years and it never stops! My heart hurts so much it might explode one day!  Don't think I'm capable of being loved by even my own kids! Want to be held and rocked and my hair stroked and to always know that someone, "anyone" has my back, but I'm always fending for myself and by myself! So tired of broken heart! Used to pray God would make her love me every night! Maybe she just can't! She loves my brother and sister so much that I feel it radiating sometimes! But if they get too close to me or are caught being around me too much, she turns their lives upside down and makes them pay! So they never say they are anywhere around me when she calls them... .it hurts but I understand

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY Sweet Annie

Welcome to The Family

I like your logon ID.   It can be very therapeutic to write your story and post it.  You have been through a lot.  Here's a big hug.   Is there a history in the family of any mental illness (other than your mom)?  

Sounds like your mom has "painted you black"BPD BEHAVIOR: SPLITTING.  Has your mom had any therapy or been diagnosed with BPD?  Here is a link to the DMS BPD Definition https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder and another overview IS IT BPD?

Which criteria might describe your mom?

I'm 47 and my mother gets pleasure out of causing me hurtful emotional pain daily (but secretly). Still tells me she hates me when no one is looking and keeps the rumors and lies going constantly . . . .  She refuses to say she loves me and will avoid all contact until the opportunity arises to take something from me (like custody of youngest child) because of divorce or hard times, whenever possible.

Can you give us some examples of how your mom secretly hurts you daily?

Almost lost my house when the economy crashed 7 years ago and I was laid off from Exe position at hospital (along with 40% of the hospital staff and vehicles motor burned up within same week. Had to move 15 year old daughter permanently in with father because I couldn't take her to school and youngest was only 3.  .  .  .I have been on my own since 19 and a self-supportive single-parent 3 times now without help

. . . .My mother has NEVER not been cruel to me and tortured me in my 47 years of life! Not invited on family vacations or to mother/daughter teas at her church with sister every year. Had daughter Baptized at her church at 10 after Bible school behind my back and was told after the fact and no invitation was extended to me

You must be a strong person, to have endured all of that.  I can't imagine the pain you have been through.

So tired of broken heart! Used to pray God would make her love me every night! Maybe she just can't! She loves my brother and sister so much that I feel it radiating sometimes! But if they get too close to me or are caught being around me too much, she turns their lives upside down and makes them pay! So they never say they are anywhere around me when she calls them... .it hurts but I understand

This information might be helpful: MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS and RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

Have you ever discussed the situation with your siblings - being "painted black"?  Am I correct in reading that you might secretly have some relationship with your siblings (hidden from mom)?

Are you in therapy or perhaps thought about it?  What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Are you working now?

[Kwamina]

Hi Sweet Annie

You really have been through a lot in your life. Your mother's behavior has been quite hurtful indeed. I am very glad that you were able to get your youngest child back though and your daughter was clearly very happy to see you too

When I read your description of your mother's behavior, I too think of the BPD behavior known as 'splitting' and also 'projection'. Are you familiar with these terms? Here is some information:

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.
... .
Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderline's life.

Do you feel like any of this applies to your mother's behavior and treatment of you?

It is very hard when one's own mother treats you in such a horrible way. No matter what she says or does though, her actions aren't a reflection of who you really are at all but only a reflection of her own inner turmoil and negativity which she is projecting onto you. Her behavior stems from her disordered mind and says nothing about you but does say a lot about her. Keeping this in mind has helped me take my own undiagnosed BPD mother's and sister's behavior less personally. It is still tough though, but I hope that when you keep repeating this to yourself things will become more bearable for you.

How are you feeling now Sweet Annie? When you posted this you said your 12 year old is the main reason you keep on going. I am very glad you reached out for support here because I believe many of our members will be able to relate to you. We have many members with BPD parents who have experienced how extremely difficult this can be. There is hope though and by getting your story out, reaching out for help, using the resources and tools described on this site, I do believe things can get better.

I encourage you to keep posting here.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot