52 yr old brother is still like a disturbed angry teen

[Depression = 72% of members]

My brother has caused so much chaos and misery for my family for the last 20+ years. He refuses to engage with any professionals who might help him, he thinks they are all idiots, he distrusts them and is highly suspicious of them. He takes drugs and gets into terrible financial situations. He mixes with drug addicts and criminals and other lost souls like himself and moves from one disaster to another dragging whoever he can with him. He lies all the time and will say anything to convince you to lend him money. Despite his many bad points he is still my brother and I feel desperately sorry that his life is so miserable and seemingly hopeless. My mother died 7 years ago and she was his main support. He manipulated her shamelessly and got so much money out of her. Our father has had no contact with him for 5yrs after a final major abusive(not violent) rant after dad sold my late mothers car to my daughter rather than give it to him. He was married for about 10 yrs in a very verbally and sometimes physically abusive marriage. He has one beautiful daughter (not living with him) who despite all the hardship has managed to stay at school and do really well. She has seen way too much and has some anxiety problems that she sees a counselor for but I hope that she will be able to go to family interstate for uni next year and put some distance between her and her father.
My brother is still like an adolescent. He has violent rages miss manages most aspects of his life manipulates and lies and is now in trouble with the police. I just want to disown him but I cant seem to break the hold and don't know if abandoning him would would be even worse

[violetivy]

My brother has caused so much chaos and misery for my family for the last 20+ years. He refuses to engage with any professionals who might help him, he thinks they are all idiots, he distrusts them and is highly suspicious of them. He takes drugs and gets into terrible financial situations. He mixes with drug addicts and criminals and other lost souls like himself and moves from one disaster to another dragging whoever he can with him. He lies all the time and will say anything to convince you to lend him money. Despite his many bad points he is still my brother and I feel desperately sorry that his life is so miserable and seemingly hopeless. My mother died 7 years ago and she was his main support. He manipulated her shamelessly and got so much money out of her. Our father has had no contact with him for 5yrs after a final major abusive(not violent) rant after dad sold my late mothers car to my daughter rather than give it to him. He was married for about 10 yrs in a very verbally and sometimes physically abusive marriage. He has one beautiful daughter (not living with him) who despite all the hardship has managed to stay at school and do really well. She has seen way too much and has some anxiety problems that she sees a counselor for but I hope that she will be able to go to family interstate for uni next year and put some distance between her and her father.
My brother is still like an adolescent. He has violent rages miss manages most aspects of his life manipulates and lies and is now in trouble with the police. I just want to disown him but I cant seem to break the hold and don't know if abandoning him would would be even worse

[Fie]

Hello Violetivy 

That sounds like a terribly difficult situation for you.
Do you still have an actual relationship with your brother ? Apart from asking you money, does he talk to you / do you have some kind of bond ?

I just want to disown him but I cant seem to break the hold and don't know if abandoning him would would be even worse

Would disowning him be  the same as abandoning him ? From what you are discribing I can understand you want to make sure he does not get money he would just use on drugs. But apart from that, do you feel you want to break contact with him ?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY violetivy  
Welcome to BPD Family.

I'm so sorry about your brother!  It has to be hard to see a life wasted.  Is there any history of mental health issues in your family, other than your brother (and niece's anxiety issues)?

Is it possible that his recent situation with the police might lead to some court action that could require him to get some intervention for substance abuse?

Unfortunately, we can't change others, only the way we interact and react to them.  It is sad when those with substance abuse and issues with dysregulation don't get help.  Without any skills to self soothe in healthy ways and to tame their emotions, he will likely remain a drug addict.  

Have you read any books on personality disorders?  I found the book, "Walking on Egg Shells" helpful.  

There is a lot of good information on this website and you will find helpful links to your right.   I've added a few links below for some topics to start with.

Here are links to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0;all

Here are links to info. about boundaries:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0;all

[violetivy]

thanks for the replies,
I see my brother occasionally and he calls me mostly when he is in trouble. I rarely call him unless it's to return his calls. If he needs to go to appointments he will call me to take him. My brother has been diagnosed with BPD  with anxiety, depression and addiction. He only went sporadically to appointments at the mental health clinic so he could secure his pension allowance and since then has not returned for more than 7 years. He didn't follow any recommendations for medication and psychology sessions and he accused them of being useless idiots and throwing pills (which he sold)at the problem. He did get some home visits but more often than not he pretended not to be home so they would leave without seeing him. He plays the victim all the time and there is always someone else to blame for his troubles. I despise his lack of self discipline, his rages, his self pity, his refusal to take responsibility for his life, his refusal to accept help etc but at the same time I think he hasn't chosen to be like this, if it really is an illness then he can't help doing what he does and I should feel sorry for him and do more to help aghhh
We were very close as children and he can be very charming. He is well read and has great general knowledge. When he's not flipping out he is entertaining and interesting to talk to, but it never lasts and his mood can change in an instant and he becomes angry  unreasonable and manipulative. He's fine when things go his way and like a desperate mad man when they don't.
My father does  suffer with depression for which he takes a mild medication but he has had a full and productive life so his depression hasn't been too debilitating. That is the only family history of mental illness.
My brother has not worked for years and when my mum was alive he bleed my parents dry. He never paid anything back and never showed any gratitude for all they did for him. He used to call mum every day to moan and spread the misery. He'd demand money for rent and bills or food(drug debts) on a regular basis and threaten dyer consequences if they refused. Once, they bought him a computer after weeks of badgering and then had to give him more money to get it back after he pawned it!
My Dad has no contact with him now but does direct debit $25 a week into his account and has done for 5 years. I don't know why I feel so guilty about him maybe it's more about sadness. He only has me and his daughter and we both avoid him as much as we possibly can.

[Fie]

Hello 
The way I  see it disowning him is not abandoning him at all. Why would you give him money if he will spend it on drugs ? Why would you not want to see this money spend for someone  who can build a bright future with it ? (his daughter ?)

Loving someone does not mean giving money. Love is not about material stuff at all. It's about spending good times together and be there for each other. Maybe your brother is not even capable to recieve your love in this stage of  his life... .

if it really is an illness then he can't help doing what he does and I should feel sorry for him and do more to help aghhh

Don't be too hard on yourself. BPD is *not* a mental illness. It's a character disturbance. This means that it can be worked on - if one is willing to.

[Panda39]

This is really about boundaries and protecting yourself this isn't about hurting your brother or abandoning him.

I suggest you focus on you and what is best for you.  No Contact is one boundary but if you aren't comfortable going all the way to that extreme then you could try setting other boundaries.  Like you don't give him any money not ever! (no matter what his story is... .how much FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) he's blowing your way), or if he rages or otherwise behaves badly you leave or hang up the phone for example or go low contact and limit your interactions with him.  Also No Contact does not have to be forever.  There are many ways to approach this.

I will say again you really have to think about you (and no this isn't selfish... .this is self-care) what is best for violetivy? 

Take Care,
Panda39

[Naughty Nibbler]

violetivy:

I listened to a radio personality talk about his battle with drug addiction recently.  He has a good reputation and a career now, but that wasn't always the case.  He said he came from a good family and had a good upbringing, but he got addicted to drugs.  He tried many times to get clean, but always ended up back on drugs again and again. The discussion ensued about various rock stars who had drug addictions and similar struggles with getting clean.

He got to a point where his family and friends disowned him.  One day, he just decided that he couldn't do what he was doing any more.  He made a call for help, went to a facility for drug addiction and got clean.  No one could make him do it, he had to make the commitment.

I guess the message is that we can't make the people in our lives get help.  We have to set boundaries to protect ourselves.  We can be there for them, if and when they want to change.  Many drug abusers are using the drugs to mask some form of mental illness or personality disorders.