Friends Not Understanding

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I didn't want to threadjack off a post by GreenEyedMonster, but she brought up something I am dealing with, and hope to hear other people's experience and input.

A few times lately, with the encouragement of my therapist, I've gently and carefully stood in my truth regarding my ex. This has been a big step for me, because of my FOO and being trained as a child to not tell others about abuse. I haven't gone out of my way to tell people. More like if they ask what happened, I calmly state my truth about my ex. But then if I say anything about his rage or behavior no matter how polite, I hear responses like "well, who knows what goes on in the relationships, they are complex." Or "there are two sides to every story." 

It's super frustrating because ex is out there pretending he is the tragic victim, but if I say anything at all then it becomes about people not taking sides.

I'm not sure how much is because my ex is super charming and a world class manipulator, or societal discomfort with abuse or what. It makes me feel like what happened to me doesn't matter.

Anyone else found that their friends often don't get it?

[HurtinNW]

I didn't want to threadjack off a post by GreenEyedMonster, but she brought up something I am dealing with, and hope to hear other people's experience and input.

A few times lately, with the encouragement of my therapist, I've gently and carefully stood in my truth regarding my ex. This has been a big step for me, because of my FOO and being trained as a child to not tell others about abuse. I haven't gone out of my way to tell people. More like if they ask what happened, I calmly state my truth about my ex. But then if I say anything about his rage or behavior no matter how polite, I hear responses like "well, who knows what goes on in the relationships, they are complex." Or "there are two sides to every story." 

It's super frustrating because ex is out there pretending he is the tragic victim, but if I say anything at all then it becomes about people not taking sides.

I'm not sure how much is because my ex is super charming and a world class manipulator, or societal discomfort with abuse or what. It makes me feel like what happened to me doesn't matter.

Anyone else found that their friends often don't get it?

[fromheeltoheal]

Anyone else found that their friends often don't get it?

Yes.  I'd here things like "aren't you over her yet?", "I just would have left". or "what do you mean, she was a nice girl!"

Not only is it not a good idea to talk too much to friends, it can actually make it worse, because if you were gaslighted in the relationship, like your ex telling you you're crazy when you bring something important up, friends can unknowingly contribute to the gaslighting, even if they care about you and mean well.  Best to talk to us and therapists who have experience with cluster B's and narcissistic abuse.

Standing in your truth is absolutely great though!  Good for you!  And it's also a handy way to find out quickly who you want in your life and who you don't.  I have a thing I call blurt mode, where I just spew my truth to whomever, first because I want to be truthful and authentic, but also to see what reaction I get: some people don't know how to respond, some people judge me or give me unsolicited advice, and some people are accepting, and even better, share some of their truth with me.  That makes it easy to decide who to keep and who to send on their way, although in the beginning, when it was new, I'd go a little overboard, a few Too Much Information moments, so I've tempered it now, all about boundaries really, meet someone I think I might like as a friend, share a little, see what I get, share a little more, better to pace it a little than just spew, appropriate for the context and all that.  Hey, it's new, everything gets better with practice right?

[Moselle]

Anyone else found that their friends often don't get it?

Yes. I have found this. Mine is also very clever at getting people to support her as she plays the helpless victim  yet is the BPD/NPD aggressor/ manipulator. It's a continual frustration that others cannot see through the malicious lies and manipulations. Is there anything I can do about it? Not really. However over time as I show consistency I hope my children particularly will see the truth. And those of my friends who believe her fabrications aren't really friends anyway. Best I find new ones who actually care.

[Hopefulgirl]

Ive stopped talking to most of my friends about my experiences because unless youve had a close relationship with someone who has this disorder they are just not going to get it, even if they are emotionally intelligent and thoughtful person.

I eventually emailed a close friend some articles about BPD, and that helped a bit.

When I first started seeing him a friend said to me that she was surprised that I was seeing someone like him because I had always been "picky" about men. In every situation i described to a friend or close family member I would always end up defending him. And they would say he was not treating me respectfully and I would agree, and that I deserved better, and I would think, they don't know him, they don't know his pain.

My two camps of people either think he is a self absorbed crazy loser, or they feel sorry for him and tell me I should have tried harder.

[GreenEyedMonster]

It has been fascinating to me to see how people react to my ex who is quite clearly delusional.

Of course many things happen privately between people.  It is difficult for friends to take sides.  Some of my friends who felt challenged by the situation were mostly trying to take the high road and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  The thing is, yes, my ex really does scare me, so I react to him accordingly, and people interpret that as ME being crazy.  I try to lay out the facts -- that I have talked to two different lawyers, that both of them said that I was not guilty of harassment under my state law, that I would need to spend $1k in court to defend myself because I am a public employee, etc. etc.  Usually when I spell things out on a very factual basis, I sway people.  But what ultimately won people to my side was seeing his erratic behavior for themselves.  By now my ex has openly vacillated and contradicted himself in front of some mutual friends, earning me some credibility.

My ex doesn't scare me because he is a bad person.  I think that's hard for people to understand, too.  He is indeed not a psychopath or sociopath, but instead is a very paranoid person.  By treating me as a threat, he could destroy my reputation or other existing relationships.  That is why I take him seriously.  Do I think he is going to show up at my house in the dead of night with a gun?  Highly unlikely, though it wouldn't surprise me if he had fantasized about it.  People think that because he isn't a physical threat to my person, that the rest of the things he does are all just bluster.  It's as if harassment and intimidation and extortion don't really count when it comes to violating a person's rights.  It only really counts if he beats me, kills me, etc.  My ex is not a malicious person who would do those kinds of things for entertainment.  He is a paranoid, vengeful type who will do almost anything to someone he believes has wronged him.  As long as he believes that what he is doing is legal and the moral high ground, look out, you are not safe . . .

[Mars22]

Yes. I have one very good friend that understands because #1. He saw her first hand act a bit 'abnormal' when we would be together. #2. He's been a good friend for 25 years now.

Sadly, i told people early on about her because people asked what happened and why weren't together. I have since stopped. And just tell people that she was perhaps a little 'emotionally immature' for me.

I've had other friends tell me I'm using the whole 'BPD' as a 'crutch'... and that 'this is what it feels like to be heartbroken... '  YA know, we all go through it. I love that one.

Best now I just keep my mouth shut and try not to talk much about it. Yes, Only wth my T and good old friend.

[patientandclear]

Yes. Not in the r/ship that brought me to these boards, but after my abusive marriage. I had a small kid to protect and my ex behaved like someone having a psychotic break in front of friends who were so concerned they called me to ensure I was making myself safe. Yet when it came down to court proceedings where it would be determined whether and how I could protect my kid from that behavior down the road, those friends told me they didn't want to choose sides. All but one. Still blows me away.

[stimpy]

Anyone else found that their friends often don't get it?

I've had a very mixed experience. Everything from being very supportive, understanding and helpful to clueless, invalidating and useless!

I found at the beginning almost everyone was really good to me, and knew I'd been through the mill and was very hurt. But my male friends seemed to think there was some sort of timetable that I should follow and that I should be over it in a couple of months or so. They also offered unsolicited advice which was mostly absolute rubbish.

Once I started to understand what had happened to me and got into the BPD/NPD understanding, I found that only those people who had had the SAME experience had any clue what I had experienced and how long it would take to get over it. Only two of my friends had this same experience and their advice and support has been amazing.

If ever I have the opportunity to help someone else in the same circumstance as I found myself a year ago, I would offer unconditional open ended support. It is incredibly important.

[Leonis]

Luckily, my close friends are not mutual friends with my ex.

They do find her actions somewhat sad and weird. While not all my friends understand what I'm going through. I'm just glad that they don't blame me for it.

[balletomane]

Luckily, my close friends are not mutual friends with my ex.

They do find her actions somewhat sad and weird. While not all my friends understand what I'm going through. I'm just glad that they don't blame me for it.

Same here. However, close friends lacked understanding in other ways - when I finally began to tell them what my relationship with him was like behind closed doors, they were horrified that I'd put up with it, and they didn't understand why I clung on so desperately. Their attitude was that he was abusive, he was making me miserable and ill (to the point where people were commenting with concern on my drastic weight loss and my underweight body), and I should leave. Their thought process made sense, but when you're being abused it's not that simple.

After I was out, they comforted and supported me for a while, but after two or three months, they didn't understand why I was still so hurt and why I wasn't just moving on. It was as if they thought that once I was no longer in touch with my ex, all the problems associated with him would go away. I have one close friend whose support has mainly been amazing, but after eight or nine months of NC even he was wondering why I didn't start dating again, and suggesting that a new relationship might help. He is well-meaning, but he doesn't understand that mentally I'm not in any position to cope with that, or why.

[JerryRG]

Great post Luckily

This is certainly true for me, my friends and family grew tired of me asking them to help and try to understand a long, long time ago. My sponsor told me to only discuss this subject with him, my therapist, pastor and this site.

Indeed, no one outside our personal experience would or could have a clue, I for one am grateful for more innocent people not being ripped to shreds by pwBPD, and because of you and others we can heal and prevent any future occurrences.

I've seen it all, and the memories still terrify me at times, I'm blessed to have received the tools to effectively deal with my exgf and they are powerful if I use them.

Thanks for bringing up this topic, it is vital for my recovery and thanks again for sharing your experiences no matter how painful, this fellowship is helpful beyond my ability to define.

Thank you bpdfamily and friends!

[JerryRG]

My apologies HurtinNW

I gave credit to the wrong person for this post.

Thanks again

[once removed]

hey HurtinNW 

i was kind of fortunate in that my close friends werent exactly fond of my ex, listened to me talk about BPD, and grasped it, i think, to the extent i needed them to, at first, which was mainly that i wasnt going through a "normal" breakup.

are these mutual friends who are asking? "there are two sides to every story" is literally true but awfully invalidating to say. depending on the nature of these friendships and the details they are privy to, there is some wisdom to them not picking sides, which does not preclude basic validation.

i would ask what is the truth you are sharing? is there a simpler version? if i could go back in time, anyone i wasnt extremely close to, i would probably tell them the ol "we grew apart, it was time" some vague version of that, none of which precludes my truth. if they want to press further, and they may, thats their call and you can then offer more, or not depending on the nature of the friendship.