Been over a year and ex (in a relationship) still asking to be friends

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have an ex and we tried to be friends after the break up but I had to move on because I was essentially still playing the bf role of being the emotional support for her and it was wearing me out like when we were together.

I told her I couldnt stay with friends with her and went NC and she promptly got into a relationship with an old ex.

That's been over a year and I still get emails from her every few months that simply ask "So you still dont want to be friends with me?"

At first I would explain my choice of not remaining friends was because she didnt have boundaries, I had to prioritize other people in my life, her new BF needed to be her main friend/support and that it would be disrespectful to her current bf if we were talking all the time.

Now I just say that I dont think being friends is possible and leave it at that. But I still get the occasional inquiry.

Since I haven't been immersed in her BPD behavior, it's sort of hard for me to understand why she keeps sending me messages when I've told her Im not going to change my mind. Does she really think Im going to become her best friend all of a sudden even though time and emotional distance increases with every day?

[geesunday]

I have an ex and we tried to be friends after the break up but I had to move on because I was essentially still playing the bf role of being the emotional support for her and it was wearing me out like when we were together.

I told her I couldnt stay with friends with her and went NC and she promptly got into a relationship with an old ex.

That's been over a year and I still get emails from her every few months that simply ask "So you still dont want to be friends with me?"

At first I would explain my choice of not remaining friends was because she didnt have boundaries, I had to prioritize other people in my life, her new BF needed to be her main friend/support and that it would be disrespectful to her current bf if we were talking all the time.

Now I just say that I dont think being friends is possible and leave it at that. But I still get the occasional inquiry.

Since I haven't been immersed in her BPD behavior, it's sort of hard for me to understand why she keeps sending me messages when I've told her Im not going to change my mind. Does she really think Im going to become her best friend all of a sudden even though time and emotional distance increases with every day?

[Turkish]

She'll take as much as you're willing to give. 

I dont think being friends is possible

This still doesn't feel like a clear message to me,  not even being BPD. What are your feelings about that?  Are you still having trouble with letting her go completely?

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

If you're ready to let it go,  then BIFF it,  but be clear. 

[Mutt]

Does she really think Im going to become her best friend all of a sudden even though time and emotional distance increases with every day?

That would make conventional sense, a pwBPD doesn't completely detach though. I'd like to add to what Turkish said about BIFF and follow that up with not JADe'ing. Say things once maybe twice but don't Justify, Attack, Defend or Explain.

[geesunday]

I have no problem letting her go completely and I made that decision a year ago. I wrote to her at great length a year ago all the reasons I couldn't continue on with her.

Honestly, saying "I dont think" doesn't seem like anything to fuel her on. She has a boyfriend and other friends so there is no reason to be reaching out to me that I can think of. And I use "I dont think" because it is not as harsh as saying "___ no" but my actions for the past year are to not be in any contact with her except to answer her every other month question about friendship and I leave it at that.

Reading about BPD, I thought she would put me in that blank space by now.

[Mutt]

Now I just say that I dont think being friends is possible and leave it at that.

You're boundary is that you don't think that you can have a friendship with her.

I thought she would put me in that blank space by now.

A pwBPD will test your boundaries from time to time. Maybe she thinks that if she keeps asking you're going to change your mind at some point? That said, have you tried not saying anything about the subject at all?

I keep it business like with my ex because we co-parent and I don't talk to her about anything personal. She did ask me about remaining friends several months after she left with her affair partner and I shot that down because I would be an escape plan when the r/s fails with her b/f. She knows that I'm not interested with being friends because I routinely only answer if the subject matter is about the kids.

Maybe NC would be a good idea for you for self protection if she doesn't respect your boundaries?

[heartandwhole]

Hi geesunday,

I can see what you mean about your ex continuing to try to be your friend. I've experienced similar messages. I guess it doesn't really take much effort to type out a few words when she remembers the bond that you had; there is nothing to lose, right?  It could be at moments when she feels vulnerable to abandonment, but that's just speculation. You tried to be friends with her once, so maybe she is just hoping to catch you on a day where you'll give her a different answer.  

I think many people with BPD don't experience "time and emotional distance" in the same way you or I do. That was definitely the case in my relationship.

heartandwhole

[SES]

Mine has just let me know that she wants to talk like adults without lawyers ... .and she sent me a fathers day gift recently... .mmm... .let me think... .perhaps making false allegations about me and having me arrested, amongst numerous other things, means that it will never be possible.  I get that... .she doesn't.

[fromheeltoheal]

Since I haven't been immersed in her BPD behavior, it's sort of hard for me to understand why she keeps sending me messages when I've told her Im not going to change my mind. Does she really think Im going to become her best friend all of a sudden even though time and emotional distance increases with every day?

Think attachments with borderlines.  Borderline need to attach to someone to feel whole, to complete themselves, and hate to lose them, it's the worst thing that could happen.  Think of it as there are no boyfriends, or best friends, there are only emotional attachments, you once had one with her, she hates to lose it, so she's going to want to continue it, and going to test it to see if it's still in place.  The only one who's going to sever that attachment is you, and folks have given you tools, the most important one being act bored, don't initiate conversation, give short answers, you gotta go, got stuff to do.  Eventually she may accept the attachment has been severed and go away.

[Wize]

With friends like these, who needs enemies?