Putting the pieces together

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

One of the most difficult things to understand was his sudden changes of mood. We could be having a good time one minute and the next he’d be off raging at me.

Towards the end I resigned myself to this and just silently cried. Even in a restaurant I’d just sit there and gently cry. I didn’t care who saw me.

Now I have the beginnings of understanding. Please correct me if I am wrong, and  no doubt this is drastically simplified, but these sudden switches of mood reflect the pwBPD fears (abandonment/engulfment) and he/she then splits us black and starts raging and devaluing. So, the rage and painting us black is a manifestation of their fears and, seemingly anything can set it off, e.g. innocent remark.

It sounds like a horrible place to be and no wonder he seemed highly anxious all the time. Anxious anytime we went anywhere. It must feel like an unsafe world to them, but interestingly, after two years of the rages, devaluation, push/pull it now feels like an unsafe world for me.

[Larmoyant]

One of the most difficult things to understand was his sudden changes of mood. We could be having a good time one minute and the next he’d be off raging at me.

Towards the end I resigned myself to this and just silently cried. Even in a restaurant I’d just sit there and gently cry. I didn’t care who saw me.

Now I have the beginnings of understanding. Please correct me if I am wrong, and  no doubt this is drastically simplified, but these sudden switches of mood reflect the pwBPD fears (abandonment/engulfment) and he/she then splits us black and starts raging and devaluing. So, the rage and painting us black is a manifestation of their fears and, seemingly anything can set it off, e.g. innocent remark.

It sounds like a horrible place to be and no wonder he seemed highly anxious all the time. Anxious anytime we went anywhere. It must feel like an unsafe world to them, but interestingly, after two years of the rages, devaluation, push/pull it now feels like an unsafe world for me.

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

The temperament of a pwBPD can be described like a sunny summer day, an electrical storm rolls in suddenly and leaves just as quickly as it came. What you're describing is emotional dysregulation, a core feature in BPD, a pwBPD can't regulate their emotions or self sooth .


Philadelphia, PA, January 15, 2013 - Originally, the label "borderline personality disorder" was applied to patients who were thought to represent a middle ground between patients with neurotic and psychotic disorders. Increasingly, though, this area of research has focused on the heightened emotional reactivity observed in patients carrying this diagnosis, as well as the high rates with which they also meet diagnostic criteria for posttraumatic stress disorder and mood disorders.

New research now published in Biological Psychiatry from Dr. Anthony Ruocco at the University of Toronto and his colleagues paints perhaps the sharpest picture we have so far of the patterns of brain activity which may underlie the intense and unstable emotional experiences associated with this diagnosis.

In their report, the investigators describe two critical brain underpinnings of emotion dysregulation in borderline personality disorder: heightened activity in brain circuits involved in the experience of negative emotions and reduced activation of brain circuits that normally suppress negative emotion once it is generated.

To accomplish this, they undertook a meta-analysis of previously published neuroimaging studies to examine dysfunctions underlying negative emotion processing in borderline personality disorder. A thorough literature search identified 11 relevant studies from which they pooled the results to further analyze, providing data on 154 patients with borderline personality disorder and 150 healthy control subjects.

Ruocco commented, "We found compelling evidence pointing to two interconnected neural systems which may subserve symptoms of emotion dysregulation in this disorder: the first, centered on specific limbic structures, which may reflect a heightened subjective perception of the intensity of negative emotions, and the second, comprised primarily of frontal brain regions, which may be inadequately recruited to appropriately regulate emotions."

Importantly, reduced activity in a frontal area of the brain, called the subgenual anterior cingulate, may be unique to borderline personality disorder and could serve to differentiate it from other related conditions, such as recurrent major depression.

"This new report adds to the impression that people with borderline personality disorder are 'set-up' by their brains to have stormy emotional lives, although not necessarily unhappy or unproductive lives," commented Dr. John Krystal, Editor of Biological Psychiatry.

"Given that many of the most effective psychotherapies for borderline personality disorder work to improve emotion regulation skills, these findings could suggest that dysfunctions in critical frontal 'control' centers might be normalized after successful treatment," concluded Ruocco.

www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2013-01/e-BPD011513.php

,

[gotbushels]

Hi Larmoyant

Now I have the beginnings of understanding. Please correct me if I am wrong, and  no doubt this is drastically simplified, but these sudden switches of mood reflect the pwBPD fears (abandonment/engulfment) and he/she then splits us black and starts raging and devaluing. So, the rage and painting us black is a manifestation of their fears and, seemingly anything can set it off, e.g. innocent remark.

In a simple way, I'd say that's pretty accurate. I might add that you can't assume the fear response is like yours. I learned that there can be a huge difference between what we think is a normal reaction to the pwBPD's actual reaction. It is a serious mental illness after all.

It sounds like a horrible place to be and no wonder he seemed highly anxious all the time. Anxious anytime we went anywhere. It must feel like an unsafe world to them, but interestingly, after two years of the rages, devaluation, push/pull it now feels like an unsafe world for me.

Bang.  This helped me convert a lot of my anger to pity. It sounds like you have a significantly better understanding of your own choice in whether you want to be in this "world" or not. Good job. That's a big deal. 

This might be a good time to relate to you that some people think that the magnitude of the flight response is on the same level as how developing children perceive parents leaving rooms as "extinction" events. Parent leaves = child "dies". If you allow for this possibility, what does that mean for your own family?

[VitaminC]

Good article, Mutt.

I think one of the first half dozen things I noticed, but the first one that made me feel uncomfortable, was a sudden "high" from him.  There was sonething about the quality of it that gave me the sense that it wasn't related to anything in the world just then, but more as if it just suddenly happened without his even being aware of the change in mood.

It would happen frequently and if I'd ask about it - " oh you're do cute when you're in goofy   form like this! Did something good happen, my darling?" there would never be any reason.

Once he said " yea, X [an old girlfriend] used to comment on that too".

Both the sudden highs and the sudden lows made me feel lonely in the relationship.   

[Larmoyant]

I really need to figure out this quote thingy!

Mutt, thanks for the article. It's interesting to read about the neuropsychological underpinnings. This is all sinking in, slowly, but surely.

Hi Gotbushels,

  I might add that you can't assume the fear response is like yours. I learned that there can be a huge difference between what we think is a normal reaction to the pwBPD's actual reaction. It is a serious mental illness after all.

Could you elaborate on this a little please? In what way does our (nons) fear response differ to pwBPD?

It sounds like you have a significantly better understanding of your own choice in whether you want to be in this "world" or not. Good job. That's a big deal. 

I'm trying!

 This might be a good time to relate to you that some people think that the magnitude of the flight response is on the same level as how developing children perceive parents leaving rooms as "extinction" events. Parent leaves = child "dies". If you allow for this possibility, what does that mean for your own family?

Could you please elaborate on this? Thank you.

[married21years]

hi reality is distorted to reduce their pain

this is a coping mechanism they use to survive.

that may have decided something in their head to reduce their pain that allows them to feel wronged

you can never guess what reality has changed to now.

detachment is the only relief and trying to figure them out is the opposite of that

this is your journey, but it difficult to understand BPD through a norms eyes 

[gotbushels]

  Larmoyant sure--regarding potentially abnormal fear responses:

"Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering." (Marsha Linehan in article; link)

"When I can't control my surroundings, I become nervous and angry. It gets much worse when I am under stress. When triggered, I can go from perfectly calm to full-blown, white-hot rate within a fraction of a second." (Mason and Kreger; p. 37 at link)


Regarding potential flight responses in pwBPDs and relationships with parent absence:
"Just as an infant cannot distinguish between the temporary absence of her mother and her "extinction," the borderline often experiences temporary aloneness as perpetual isolation. As a result, the borderline becomes severely depressed over the real or perceived abandonment by significant others and then enraged at the word (or whoever is handy) for depriving her of this basic fulfillment." (Kreisman and Straus; p. 36 (2010 ed.) at link)

Note that while he discuses "nurture" ideas elsewhere, this statement was based on the discussion of DSM-IV-TR Criterion 1., so your experience may differ. The idea is that if this is a possibility, the pwBPD may not make the best babysitter in a dysregulated state... .

Enjoy your weekend.  

[gotbushels]

(... .) I can go from perfectly calm to full-blown, white-hot rage within a fraction of a second." (... .)

Typo.

[Larmoyant]

Gotbushels,

I am very grateful for the information. Thank you so much.

[gotbushels]

It seems to help you and it's my pleasure.

Understanding is often a prelude to forgiveness, but they are not the same, and we often forgive what we cannot understand (seeing nothing else to do) and understand what we cannot pardon. (Mary McCarthy, 1971)

[Zinnia21]

Thank you for posting this thread Larmoyant.

I'm struggling through day 6 of N/C after 3 years of the scary roller coaster.

I saw the same behaviour and restaurants were often not a fun place for me either! I'd see the change was happening and then learnt to go into a quiet shut down to cope. Fighting outwardly against it wasn't good and validating only had a temporary bandaid effect. I still feel pretty hurt and confused by the process, even though I've developed a good understanding of BPD at this point.

In my case, his raging seemed to be related to trying to uncover or detect that I was against him too (like he thinks everyone else is). Somehow he could then take out his rage against the world on me, as a way of venting it. But in order to do that, he had to paint me black and create the accusations. I think it's similar to what you were saying. Also I felt he was trying to uncover the 'truth' about my bad intentions towards him. Of which I had none!

The article mutt posted about the possible brain chemistry involved may even explain why, not only are they painting us black and devaluing, they are truly not able to control it. Utterly engulfed by the unstoppable negativity in that moment.

Because when you see that switch go, you know there is nothing you can do except try to remain calm. It really seems like they've been hijacked.

It's very hard as their partner to accept all of their extreme behaviours and for our trust to remain intact.
I felt any tact I tried to take to understand or accept him was rejected or he tried to prove me wrong for even caring or validating. Could. Not. Win.

[VitaminC]

It really seems like they've been hijacked.

Yes. Just like that.

You don't know who you're talking to from one minute to the next and don't know why it changes. A lonely place to be. 

[Larmoyant]

I suppose like most of us I tried to prevent the switch. This is probably the walking on eggshells thing. I stopped looking around when we went out because 1. Fear of the ‘switch’ and 2. Hope that he’d see I only wanted him. It didn’t work. As you say Zannia21. Could.Not.Win. This thing is unbeatable and the price to be paid for trying is way too high.

[gotbushels]

In my case, his raging seemed to be related to trying to uncover or detect that I was against him too (like he thinks everyone else is). Somehow he could then take out his rage against the world on me, as a way of venting it. But in order to do that, he had to paint me black and create the accusations. I think it's similar to what you were saying. Also I felt he was trying to uncover the 'truth' about my bad intentions towards him. Of which I had none!

Sometimes the BPs will subconsciously try to incite a response like anger from the non to allow the BP to manifest the reality they are holding. If that's the case you can rest knowing that the incident was very likely not your fault. We are each accountable for our own behaviour. Not all of us were born with the magical powers to manage another person's magical thinking.

[VitaminC]

Not all of us were born with the magical powers to manage another person's magical thinking.

Bushels, I just wanna high five you ! Well put, you!