My husband seems like a stranger to me now

[its_rosie]

I have only been married five months as of tomorrow, and I can't believe the change in my husband. He used to be so thoughtful and caring; when I lost my job last August, he helped me deal with the trauma and eventually recover mentally (to some degree). However, a few months ago, he began paying a lot of attention to his electronic devices and hiding them from me. He never used to password-protect them, but now all of them are locked. Once, when I tried to look at one of his phones, he threw me up against the wall and held my jaw in his hand as if he were going to clock me in the face. I knew he was hiding something but I didn't know what. Sex, particularly masturbation, became an all-day activity for him. He doesn't work, so he would stay home the entire day, not even getting up off the bed to eat! All he wants to do is talk about women in a degrading way, watch porn after porn, and masturbate. If I am in the room, even if I offer sex, he does not want it. He wants porn instead of human interaction. Now, he says he is a bisexual, which I do not condone. He created personas on all sorts of different adult hook up sites, saying that he is single and wants to participate in deviant activities. This hurts me to no end. Then, he posted nude pictures of me all over Facebook, to all of my friends, and he put my phone number up, too, telling people that I was a fat whore who would have sex for drugs. Where is the man I married? How can this be happening so quickly? Is it too late to save this marriage?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hopeful07]

Are you sure he's BPD? It sounds like sex addiction

[Lilyroze]

  its_rosie,

Welcome and glad you found the board, though sorry for the reason you had to and what you are going through. 

I have heard, read and a few in a private group I am have dealt with this. Many with BPD  have done this and mine has to an extent as well. When he completely deregulated became a different person had many car accidents, two within days of each other, got addicted to games, and women on net. Many women, making people uncomfortable that were in games with him ( at one point my son was and many of the regulars were asking what the heck was wrong with him).

 Many then claim to spouses they don't remember, and a few spouses have had to call off the people they had affairs with and get them to end it. I don't know if I believe that part, but I am no expert. What a mess.

Do you have a T? Does he? Is he willing to go for help? Have you brought up help or a marriage counselor?

What are you doing for yourself during this time? Is there any goals or things you can do to bring some happiness to you while dealing with this.

There is some great resources here. I hope someone can come along that can help more with this for you. I am no expert in this area.

Hugs and Keep your chin up.

 

[lar, laris]

I'm a brand newbie myself, and so don't have any insight, but recognize some of this in my own situation.  My thoughts are with you, its rosie.  I hope you find some support to be safe.  The physical intimidation sounds very scary.

lars, laris

[its_rosie]

Thanks, everyone, for your kind responses!

I don't have a therapist because I am uninsured at the moment; although I've tried to get Medi-Cal, my case ends up being stuck in some weird red tape at the DPSS office and I am too depressed to look into it further.

I know my marriage is over. That seems like such a "final" thing to say, but I am getting used to it. Today would have been our five month anniversary! We knew each other for three years before getting married, so I thought there was a reasonable expectation that it might last.

I haven't spoken to him in about a week or so. He keeps texting me and calling me a fat, crazy, ugly b___/whore/slut. He's taking on characteristics of a sociopath because he is not taking responsibility for anything that he has done wrong in the relationship. He blames me for his bad behavior by saying I made him what he is. That's like the guy who murdered his family and then expected people to feel sorry for him because he was all alone now.

[NotThatGuy]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

You have the right to be physically safe in your own home, and not to be assaulted by your family members.  That’s true no matter *what* mental illness your husband may or may be suffering from!  What you describe of the way he’s treating you is totally beyond the pale-- calling people names may occasionally be excused in the heat of a rare argument, and how much porn viewing, and what kind, can fall within “normal” or acceptable behavior is subject to a lot of debate.  But he’s being consistently degrading to you, and ignoring you in favor of porn and masturbation, and when you challenged him, he got violent.  That’s not OK.   

This doesn’t sound to me like he’s afraid of abandonment (a borderline trait).  It sounds like he wants you in fear, so he can control you and force you to satisfy his own needs.  His behavior sounds sadistic, more than anything else.  All those names he calls you-- even if they were 100% true, would that make his contempt acceptable?  I think even a "fat crazy whore" would deserve more respect than you're getting.  I’m worried about your physical safety, whether you stay in this relationship, or leave it. 

So maybe the question to ask isn’t “can this marriage be saved?” but “why would you want to save it?”   

Do you have supportive people who live near you that you can talk to, and ask to help? 

[Lilyroze]

  its_rosie,

I agree completely with NotThatGuy,

Quite frankly I am worried for you. Be strong, be safe, but be careful and proactive. Do you have family or friend support near you? Do you have anyone that can stay with you right now, or anywhere you can go until things can be sorted out, with all his anger right now?

 I am even thinking you need to maybe call the police and get a restraining order at some point if this keeps up. He sounds very scary, power plays, and out of control at this point. He does sound quite sadistic as NTG pointed out. Are you getting any threats?

Is he drinking or on drugs?

The law part of the board can help you if you go that route. The Detaching can help with healing you and some support as well as other boards, tools and resources. I am just trying to think the ones that might help best with your newest post.

Keep posting and us updated, we are here and do care.

 

[its_rosie]

Unfortunately, I don't really have any friends that can help me through this tough time. You guys are all I've got!
I tend to isolate myself when I'm depressed, which I know is the wrong thing to do, and I am going to try to change that.
My husband *is* a violent person and he actually served almost 20 years in State Prison for raping his first wife under threat of force or fear.
When I first met him and he told me that, I didn't want anything to do with him. But then I thought, "I wouldn't want to be judged on the mistakes I had made in the past (as long as I learned from them and developed new ways of dealing with things)." So, I ignored the red flags and we had a wonderful relationship for the first few years.
He has exhibited signs of violence with me, too. One time, he got so mad at me that he held me down and put a flannel pillow over my face, and I almost suffocated. I reported it to the police and he did a few months in jail. The police automatically put a protective order in place for me, even though I didn't want to press charges. (I know, I know . . . ). I felt that I had egged him on when we had the fight, and that he wasn't totally to blame for lashing out at me.
He wears an ankle monitor as a condition of his parole, which means he has to be home by 10:00 PM every night and he can't come within 500 yards (feet?) of my residence, which is a few miles from the motel at which he stays. I am safe as long as I am in the apartment.

[Lilyroze]

  its_rosie,

OK good now that I see you have an order of protection already do feel better, though we both have to remember they are just pieces of paper. We need to enforce them or reach out for help if need be.

I am inclined to think he might be more then BPD like NotThatGuy pointed out, not that you won't benefit from all the tools, articles, book recommendations, support this board has to offer. Just don't get lulled into a sense of security reading some others posts, they might not be dealing with exactly what you are.

Though I am so glad you are here, posting, getting help, and facing things might not be right in your marriage or relationship.

Keep reading, posting, and know that people here care.

I was wondering what about reaching out to the order of protection officer, domestic violence shelter or other in your area to see if they can help you expedite some counseling or if they have some you can avail yourself of? Could that be of some help possibly? Or do you have any ideas of what you might do to get a plan of action in place for your well being?  The Victims right board in your area could help as well being that you have a report on file and order.

Have you let the police or his parole officer know of some of the latest in confidence?

[NotThatGuy]

He wears an ankle monitor as a condition of his parole, which means he has to be home by 10:00 PM every night and he can't come within 500 yards (feet?) of my residence, which is a few miles from the motel at which he stays. I am safe as long as I am in the apartment.

I'm glad to hear that.  You might consider contacting the police about his recent behavior.  His throwing you against the wall and holding your jaw with his hand is an assault which may be a violation of his parole.  I know it can be hard to think of causing such consequences for someone you care about, but *you* have not caused any consequences-- *he* has, with his behavior.  And your own safety must come first.  This man could kill you.  

Isolating when you're depressed is very common and understandable.  Even though it's not healthy, it can be very hard to avoid.  And a man who wants to control you will often encourage that isolation.  Is there a domestic violence hotline in your area?  That might be a place you could start to reach out.

[Lilyroze]

its_rosie  
Checking in to see how you are? Have you gotten any support there from some services or police perhaps? I care and many here do, let us know how you are. Rosie, you said you didn't have any one there but we are here if you need us. Reach out, by the way reach out in your community to the ones I mentioned as well, if you can. They will care too Rosie.

LR