daughter in law nightmare

[tanteraus]

My daughter in law is such a classic case of undiagnosed BPD that she could be the poster child. It is so heartbreaking to raise a boy who is kind, loving, honest, hard-working, friendly, loves being with family and extended family, and watch him trapped in this bubble of his BPD wife, and her parents.  He was just dating around with this BPD after having his heart broken from another relationship, and she "got pregnant".  He had no intention of marrying her, but he decided to "do the right thing" and of course was pressured by her to marry her.  We were disappointed in this but also encouraged him to "do the right thing". Big mistake.  Huge mistake. She came around with him often in that first year.  We welcomed her with open arms.  She already had one child.  My son was immediately a good father figure to him, and we included them in dinners, outings, holidays etc.  I went overboard with planning a beautiful baby shower for her.  We showered her with gifts on her birthday and Christmas that first year.

I also was allowed to watch the baby briefly in his first year.  They fought a lot.  Everytime they fought, she reached out to complain to me.  It got worse and worse, and I didn't want to be in the middle.  Eventually my son told me about how abusive she is.  She threw things at him and scratched him and hit him, and physically did many destructive things.  He considered buying a large safe to store his valuables, such as work badge, and keys and uniforms so she wouldn't destroy them, which she tried to do.  She started tearing up and throwing away new shirts, books, shoes, etc. and putting them in the dumpster in bags along with dirty diapers. The 2nd Christmas I bought some gifts for the kids, and my son found them, still wrapped, in the dumpster.

She ignores me when I walk in a room.  Actually turns her head the other way.  Will not say hello or address me.  Even in the beginning she would not say hello when seeing any of us until she felt like talking. She basically has an angry face to everyone she meets! It is so bizarre.  She now has banned me from seeing the child and they had another one, and I was told not to come to the hospital, except to look through the window.  It goes on and on and on.  I have grieved and am trying to move on.  Sadly, my son is very miserable.  He tries to appease her for a while, and then it gets bad and he comes home, which infuriates her.  He thinks about divorce but can't bring himself to leave his kids.  I am sure she is planning another child.  She wants to trap him more and more and more. 

I tried to have a lunch with her to reach out, and was basically told at that lunch that she did not want to spend any holidays with us and didn't want me to watch her children.  She said that she preferred them in day care.  Even though I don't work and would love to have some time with them. She states that she will be working full time and I agreed I didn't want to be a full time babysitter.  She however is only taking one class at the university.  My son does not believe she will ever hold a job.  She uses this as an excuse to not let me watch them. I looked at her, and said "If I were to develop a relationship with (baby), and he were to love me as a grandma, and reach out to me, would that threaten you?" Her reply was "YES".  She said "I don't want to be stepped on!"

 They live with her parents right now.  She told me it causes her "anxiety" if I watch them.  I have never seen a more angry person in my life.  One day my son asked if I could watch the baby while they went to dinner.  She called me to tell me that next Friday night (when my son asked me to watch him) would not be good for me to watch him because SHE HAD ALREADY ASKED HER MOM TO DO IT AND IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT! I was so upset! We all live in the same town and they LIVE with her mother.  I am not jealous of her mother's relationship with the baby, but apparently I am a threat to her.  My son said her mother is getting frustrated now with helping with the kids all the time.  I have seen my grandson who will be two in November, a total of 4 times this year.  Twice when she relented and my son brought him over, as she texted and called repeatedly when he was with us and actually followed us to the restaurant we went to.  The other two times I saw him were when she was in a class and my son sneaked him to see me. The only time I've seen the newborn was a quick peak at the hospital.  Pathetic.  I could have been the most non-threatening, loving mother-in-law that anyone could ask for!

Even though it hurts not to be able to be a part of my first grandchildren's lives, it hurts more to know that my son is living in such hell.  I am thankful that he does not buy into her lies about me, but he does choose to live this horrible life.  I don't even think he loves her, but he doesn't leave.  I sometimes want to treat him like a drug addict and have nothing to do with him until he quits his "drug", and sometimes I want to try and see if I can show kindness to her as she is obviously very disturbed.  I know nothing I can do will make her like me or try to work on our relationship.  Whenever i think I might have to see her I feel turmoil and anxiety in my soul.  She is pure evil.

Can someone please explain this to me? She forbids me to have anything to do with them at ALL.  Then when my son can't take it any more and comes home, she starts texting me
repeatedly telling me how it is my fault, and how she is so "sad" that his priorities are with me and not his family, blah blah blah.  The last text I received (i ignore the texts) said "My family can't carry all the responsibility like always".  What? Really? How can you push someone away and then accuse them of not carrying responsibility?  My son used to be so frugal and saved so much money before she came along.  Now he is barely making it.  She has extremely expensive taste and refuses to have anything that is used or not an expensive brand. I can't understand why my son has no guts to stand up to her.

[Turkish]

There's a lot going on here,  first and foremost that your son is a victim of domestic violence, even if it sounds like he isn't in a life threatening situation. I wouldn't suggest sharing this link with him. It may upset him more at this point,  and you also don't know if his Internet access is secure from her, and he sounds like he may be in denial... .we don't want to escalate which may result in unplanned emotional decisions which may make things worse. However,  you may glean something from this:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Being divorced from a woman with BPD traits (though not as dramatic as your DIL, and I only experienced one episode of DV in the 6 years we were together), I wish I had a definitive answer as to why he stays, and why he seems to appease. Having kids complicates this immensely.

Both you and he might benefit from the communication tools,  developed by leading experts on BPD, outlined in Lesson 3 here:

Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship

The situation overall is frustrating and sad,  but communicating with BPD in mind may help reduce conflict.  It can be frustrating,  and even angering, but it's worth a try while your son tries to process where he is and what he may do.  I can't imagine how I would feel in the future if my kids ended up with BPD partners who behaved like that and tried to isolate me from my grandchildren,  but you have the power to be the centering voice in your son's life,  and it's good that he still trusts you.   

Take a look at the lessons,  and let me know if they make sense.



Turkish

[Fie]

Hello Tanteraus,

What a difficult situation you are in. You are feeling frustrated for your son, and also because you are not allowed to see your grandchildren.
I think the first thing you need to do here is realize that, however sad the situation, your son still has the right to choose to be in the middle of it. No matter how much it all hurts you, he  is an adult. You can try to help him - if he wants your help. But it should stop there.

Another case  is his children. They did NOT choose this. They never said 'we want a BPD mum'. They need a healthy adult, who can be there for them and show them *healthy* love. As a child of BPDm I wish I had had that.
How is the relationship between you and the parents of BPDmum? Have you already tried to talk to them about  seeing your grandchildren ?
In my country grandparents have  legal  rights. In most of the cases they have  a legal right to see their grandchildren and to develop a bond with them. This right might evaporate over time, since then the judge will state that they 'all those years never made  effort to see their grandchildren', so no use to start seeing them now. Would you go that far as to take legal action ?
In case  of BPD I think 'threatening' (in case you can call it threatening when you are serious about it) with legal action risks to escalate things. But how about  your son ? Would he be willing to listen to you when you explain that you will take legal action if he does not let you see them ?
I have a BPD ex and I know how evil and convincing they can be. But still your grandchildren are not only the children of their mum, your son also has the right to grant you access to them, even if she does not like that.
 Another thing,

He thinks about divorce but can't bring himself to leave his kids.  

A lot of people seem to think that initiating  a divorce is the same as leaving your children. The one has nothing do to with the other, however. I am not together anymore with my ex (not BPD), but my daughter lives with him half of the time and he's a good father.
Maybe you can talk to your son about this ?

Does anything I said make some sense to you ?

[Notwendy]

I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I think a part of your post describe the situation in a BPD relationship. " I want to treat him like a drug addict". 

These high drama relationships act in a similar way and are addicting. I understand that your DIL mistreats your son, yet he is a part of this too. Your DIL is similar to my mother. I saw my father as a person similar to your son- a hardworking kind man and good father. It was many years later that I began to understand co-dependency and the nature of his part in this relationship.

Why your DIL behaves this way is hard to understand, but anyone who sees through the situation can be seen as a threat. The drama triangle can shed some light on the dynamics and why - when you step in to "help" you are cast in "persecutor " role.

Ironically, your idea of stepping back is probably the way to go, but it has to be done in the right way. Stepping back with love and openness is different than a reactive, self protective withdrawal. It is hard to discern how to do this when you are hurting.

Self care is the first step. IMHO, personal therapy is a way to go. You may question why- as the DIL seems to be the problem. But therapy can help you navigate this situation and process your feelings along the way. I say this because, I also tried to "help" my parents when my father was ill ( I am a middle age adult) and had no awareness of the drama triangle or the dynamics between them. Although the reaction was typical, it was very hurtful to have my mother see me as a threat and interfere with my relationship with my father. Yet, the bond between my parents was stronger than his bond with me- and I realized probably his own mother as well. This didn't mean he didn't love me, or his mother - he did, but when forced to choose, he made his choice. Your son did too. Your task is to stay present in his life without the drama triangle pushing him into that choice. Professional help can help you navigate this.

[tanteraus]

Thank you for the insight.  I'm trying to figure out how to reply to the individual post, but I appreciate the insight you have given me! I definitely feel that he is in a domestic violence situation, and I will look up the lessons on that! Thank you. 

I also agree that he is an adult and is making these decisions.  It's sad to watch and I've learned to step back and let him live his life.  Then he pops in and tells me the latest blow-up if he attempts to go outside of her boundaries.  I should just close my ears and say "la la la, don't tell me" but that is hard to do when he is there trying to talk to me about it.  I do not give him advice on leaving.  I did that in the beginning because I feared for his safety, but he hasn't taken the advice so I backed away from doing that. I do talk about the disorder and tell him what I have read about it just to let him know it is a real thing.

As for grandparent rights, I have heard that in the state i am in it is next to impossible.  My son does want to bring them over, yet he said that she physically barricades him from taking them when he attempts.  She also accuses him of thinking he can just run away with them.  He is appalled that she thinks that.  Her mother says that as well.  They live in fear and we are harmless as doves.  He would probably love it if I were able to legally be able to see them.  As of now, the only way that could happen is if he were to divorce and the courts give him rights. 

Yes, I do agree that stepping back with openness and love is the way to go.  I am working on that.  I have messed up and been very reactive a few times.  I also realize that I am in self protection mode.  I think what gets to me the most is to be treated like such a threat, and then accused of not "being there".  This is only by her, not by my son, thank goodness!

Thank you again for the insight! It helps to talk to those who understand! I have seen a therapist a couple of times and I need to do self care for sure!

[Fie]

My son does want to bring them over, yet he said that she physically barricades him from taking them when he attempts. 

As a father, he has the right to take his children somewhere (I'm guessing not out of state,  but that's something else). He does have the possibility to call the police when he wants to leave and she physically makes this impossible.

[Turkish]

He did have the right to do so (even take them out of state since parents have equal rights short of a custody order). It is indeed within his power to do so, yet he's also hiding domestic abuse. Taking them or handling this on his own is likely to result in escalation and probably violence.

What you can do, Mom, is encourage him to reach out to a local DV help line, stressing that it is anonymous and doesn't involve decision making at this point, which it seems he is scared to do.

[Fie]

Hello Tanteraus,
It can be really hard to see clear when we  are in the middle of everything. I sometimes notice I don't see clear in situations when I ruminate too much. Sometimes I even don't see anymore what it's all about.
I think for you, there are two issues :
1) you worrying about your son's situation. This situation mainly is his problem, because  he chooses to stay inside it. You seem to be able to detach from that, which is great.
2) you not having access  to your grandchildren. That is not a problem your son is having, but you. You can accept that you cannot see them, and leave  the situation as it is. Or you can try to fix this. In this case maybe it can be a good idea to not mix this issue up with issue number 1).
You can also tell your son this, that you don't want to interfere on issue number 1), but you do want a solution to issue number 2).
If your son is willing to cooperate, an option could be you agree with him on a time when you come to pick up your grandchildren. (Preferably this is a time where their mum is not home, but I don't know if that's possible)You could agree with him that, when he tries to get out of the house with his children, and his wife does not allow him, it could be you calling the  police because you consider  this domestic violence. Of course I don't know if you (and him) would be  willing to go that far. But if I understood correctly, your son would be somehow relieved if you had the legal right to see the children. So in some  way it could  be a relief for  him that  it would be you calling the police, so he does  not have to do it.
This of course could also turn into some turmoil for the children.  But I am just thinking about options on how you could solve this issue number 2). Turmoil is something they unfortunately are seeing  already on a regular basis, and a mentally healthy grandparent could be a great benifit for them.

I don't know what you think ?

[Notwendy]

There is a possible silver lining to this. Babies are cute, cuddly, and compliant. But they grow up and assert themselves. Children are also pretty perceptive to things.

By the time we were school age, BPD Mom couldn't handle us. Her (self centered IMHO) FOO appeared to be close to our family, but rarely included us kids in their family activities, even though their kids ( our cousins) and we kids seemed to enjoy being with each other. Mom could deal with us when school was in session, but not when it was out and we were home all day. That was when Dad's family welcomed us and we spent a lot of time with them- and Mom got a break from us. Now, we are bonded to our cousins and relatives on that side while Mom's FOO doesn't interact with us much.

I think getting therapy helps- for you, and to see the big picture and family dynamics. Something about your son chose this woman and continues to choose her. That is probably as much a mystery to you as it is to me. Will he ever change his mind? That I don't know. It is possible. My father did not but others have left dysfunctional marriages.

I was a good, loving daughter, yet if my mother demanded it, my father would discard me in an instant. As a mother myself - I can not imagine for one second doing this to my child. Yet I believe he both cared about me, and my mother, and felt he needed to indulge her demands.

By stepping out of their relationship, with love, you are not abandoning your son, but leaving him to deal with the consequences of his choices. Just like an addict, if you intervene, soften the issue, enable it, it is not in his best interest. Don't cut off communication, If he vents to you, tell him you love him, listen, but offer no advice and do not intervene. What bonds two dysfunctional people is to have a common enemy. If you at any point appear to be against her, he will bond with her as a rescuer against you. Such is the nature of these kinds of relationships. My mother would come to my father and present the case that she was my victim of something I did. He would join her and be angry at me.

As to the kids, not pushing to get them ( which would make her pull them away) may be the best move. Trust that your son won't let her harm them, and if she heaven forbid did, let him deal with that. Once they get older, she may perceive them as being against her. Then, she may just let them go to you.