One year post breack up

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One year post break up

I've been hesitant to go onto this board for sometime now because I've found that seeing posts dredges up imagery and thoughts id rather not experience. But I'd like to post an update considering I just passed through my year anniversary and finally entered into some serious therapy to deal with my post traumatic stress symptoms.

So my recovery process has been characterized by constant self care, most notably in the form of research and soul searching. In some form or another, It's been reading one book after another in a constant attempt to "get over it."

This has been incredibly fruitful and revealing. It took me about 9 months, however, till I finally stumbled upon a book about trauma. As I read it, I realized that I had been experiencing post traumatic stress symptoms consistently since the end of my relationship. I recognized that I would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist to process what had happened.

This is when I began looking into EMDR therapy. I got a book on the therapy - getting past your past - and realized that my symptoms could be explained as the result of my unprocessed traumatic experiences from my relationship.

I just finished my third memory processing session and was not overly surprised to find that only the first session focused on the traumatic incident with my ex. Digging below that memory, my therapist and I found the antecedent memories that drove me into a relationship with my ex.

We uncovered the injured child within me who felt he needed to shoulder the burden of his families turmoil. he thought that his love and dedication would make up for the shortcomings of his parents, in the same way that I felt I could love my ex.

Uncovering and processing this through emdr is opening up new possibilities of healing and growth. 

It points me towards the visceral realization that this most recent trauma was really just a continuation of the traumatic incidences of my youth. That this most recent trauma was the original trauma being brought to fruition.

See in this light it i am able to look upon my relationship as a blessing. As if it pointed me towards my own healing process. As if it was me venturing in pursuit of healing all along.

From this position healing is possible. From this position forgiveness is possible for myself, for my parents, and for my ex - as we were all simply doing the best we could, carrying out our programming, living - naturally - in our transference.

To those of you who are in the throes of depression and misery. Those of you who are still completely dissociated from what happened - don't give up. Keep searching, keep venturing towards growth and healing, and when you feel hopeless, as if you will never recover, have faith. Have faith, trust, believe that you will recover. Know that you are healing, regardless of how tumultuous and devious the process is, you are healing - make that your intention.

Finally getting a therapist was a huge step, one I wish I hadn't taken sooner. Having someone to help guide me through the healing process. It's significant.

Check out that book: Getting past your past.

[Darsha500]

One year post break up

I've been hesitant to go onto this board for sometime now because I've found that seeing posts dredges up imagery and thoughts id rather not experience. But I'd like to post an update considering I just passed through my year anniversary and finally entered into some serious therapy to deal with my post traumatic stress symptoms.

So my recovery process has been characterized by constant self care, most notably in the form of research and soul searching. In some form or another, It's been reading one book after another in a constant attempt to "get over it."

This has been incredibly fruitful and revealing. It took me about 9 months, however, till I finally stumbled upon a book about trauma. As I read it, I realized that I had been experiencing post traumatic stress symptoms consistently since the end of my relationship. I recognized that I would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist to process what had happened.

This is when I began looking into EMDR therapy. I got a book on the therapy - getting past your past - and realized that my symptoms could be explained as the result of my unprocessed traumatic experiences from my relationship.

I just finished my third memory processing session and was not overly surprised to find that only the first session focused on the traumatic incident with my ex. Digging below that memory, my therapist and I found the antecedent memories that drove me into a relationship with my ex.

We uncovered the injured child within me who felt he needed to shoulder the burden of his families turmoil. he thought that his love and dedication would make up for the shortcomings of his parents, in the same way that I felt I could love my ex.

Uncovering and processing this through emdr is opening up new possibilities of healing and growth. 

It points me towards the visceral realization that this most recent trauma was really just a continuation of the traumatic incidences of my youth. That this most recent trauma was the original trauma being brought to fruition.

See in this light it i am able to look upon my relationship as a blessing. As if it pointed me towards my own healing process. As if it was me venturing in pursuit of healing all along.

From this position healing is possible. From this position forgiveness is possible for myself, for my parents, and for my ex - as we were all simply doing the best we could, carrying out our programming, living - naturally - in our transference.

To those of you who are in the throes of depression and misery. Those of you who are still completely dissociated from what happened - don't give up. Keep searching, keep venturing towards growth and healing, and when you feel hopeless, as if you will never recover, have faith. Have faith, trust, believe that you will recover. Know that you are healing, regardless of how tumultuous and devious the process is, you are healing - make that your intention.

Finally getting a therapist was a huge step, one I wish I hadn't taken sooner. Having someone to help guide me through the healing process. It's significant.

Check out that book: Getting past your past.

[Lucky Jim]

See in this light it i am able to look upon my relationship as a blessing. As if it pointed me towards my own healing process. As if it was me venturing in pursuit of healing all along.

From this position healing is possible. From this position forgiveness is possible for myself, for my parents, and for my ex - as we were all simply doing the best we could, carrying out our programming, living - naturally - in our transference.

Nicely put, Darsha.  I agree; I know myself so much better now than I did when married to my BPDxW.  You could say that marriage to a pwBPD was the crucible that forced me to confront my own issues.  I nearly destroyed myself in the BPD soup, yet as Nietzsche put it, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!  It's hard to emerge from a BPD r/s unscathed, as you note, yet it has also led to greater happiness, for which I'm grateful.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Hi Darsha500,

What a wonderful post, thank you for sharing your progress with us. It is always bring joy to my heart to hear about success, healing, and growth. What you wrote about the relationship pointing you to your own healing process resonated so deeply with me, and helped clarify something I have been wondering about lately. I also feel that freedom lies in understanding that people do the best they can in each situation. That was/is a big lesson for me.

I wish you continued peace and healing on your journey, and I hope you will come back and share your wisdom if you feel moved to.

heartandwhole