Severe depression cont.

[LonelyChild]

So I'm still stuffering from severe depression. It got to the point, a week ago, that my entire system basically shut down and I became some sort of vegetable staring into space. I was taken to some kind of psych. ER where they considered giving me ECT. I've since became slightly better and can manage my life, but still filled with only feelings of absolute emptiness.

As long as I am doing something in the moment that requires focus, I can manage. The worst times are the nights and mornings, during which I am supposed to let go and fall asleep. I can't. I ruminate over EVERYTHING. I've tried focusing on a single object and visualizing it in a meditative way, but I've noticed this just leads to two parallel trains of thought.

I don't really feel much of anything anymore. Not happiness, sadness, anger, attachment or anything else. I have no interest in meeting people, not even my own family.

Have any of you been here and then gone on to have a normal life? I left my uBPDxgf 1-2 years ago and that pain is over, but what remains is just absolute emptiness.

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm there now except I'm still attached to my ex. I continue to watch her ride off into the sunset with my replacement not being able to let go

[atomic popsicles]

I'm basically there with you.

You are not alone. Evenings/nights and weekends are by far the hardest. I will say, though, there is only so much meanness I can take from my stbx and I know things will not change. I know I did the best I could. I am to the point that I am NOT going to lose my dignity ANY MORE. I don't know how to get through it, but one way or the other I am going to, and you can too.

I don't know how to handle it either, but hugs to you.

[LonelyChild]

How are you all doing? It's not getting better here. Everything feels absolutely empty and pointless. Don't know what to do or what direction to move towards. I try to go out and do things. But it feels as pointless as sitting at home, staring at a blank wall.

[married21years]

it gets better.

we have our own issues that are masked by being with a BPD

good luck and get help

there is hope and it gets better

 

[LilMe]

LonelyCild 

My mom has suffered from severe depression her whole life.  She had ECT at one point - I would not recommend it!  It really messed up her short term memory, and I feel the bad effects on her memory continue.  She would feel OK right after a treatment, but it didn't last long.

What has helped her was to find the right combination of anti-depressants and to treat her low thyroid.  And lots of therapy.  She was stuck in the past and has finally been able to move on.  That was really key to her better life.

I must be suffering from depression too as I usually wake up at 2 AM and don't sleep much.  I randomly burst into tears for no apparent reason.  My children keep me going.  I am the most sane person they have so I cannot let them down.  I have only been out of my 10 year relationship for just over 3 months.  Some days I think it is getting easier only to be hit by a wave of sadness, regret, and desire to see my uBPD.

I can't offer any easy solutions.  Do you have a good therapist that you like?  Have you tried anti-depressants or a sleep aid; even if just temporarily to help you pull out of the funk?  I hate to know you are in a bad place.  Stay in touch so we know you are OK. 

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you for posting, you are in a good place here. You won't get discarded here. By joining this family you have brothers and sisters who care about you.

I have tears in my eyes right now, I do have compassion for you and I am so grateful that I do have this human feeling to be able to care about another person being in pain.

Keep posting and keep reading you are in a safe place here. Take care.

[Mutt]

Hi LonelyChild,

I'm sorry that things are difficult for you right now.

ER where they considered giving me ECT.

Depression is tough. Have you talked to an MD about depression? Did you get a prescription at the hospital?

[steelwork]

LonelyChild, I've come back from severe depression, yes. I didn't have my body shut down, and I've never been referred for ECT, but I'd say I've gotten very very bad, with dissociation, a lot of weight loss, crying jags several times a day, and when that let up, zero interest in anything that I once enjoyed. I was pretty much white-knuckling my way through daily life. That's where I was in the first 4-5 months after the breakup. It scared me a lot.

I was fortunate to find a program that provided therapy (multiple times a week), psychiatric care, medication, psychological testing, and group therapy. It took all of that to get back on my feet.

I found this help through a fellowship program--a joint program run by a hospital and a medical school. My doctors and therapists were receiving post-doctoral training, and they'd all had to apply to this very competitive program, so that meant they were vetted thoroughly and supervised every step of the way. And it was free.

I would urge you to look for something similar, because you don't just need medicine or therapy or testing or group work. You probably need most or all of those things, and it is exhausting coordinating all that for yourself. You need a team.

PM me if you want any more details about this.

Best of luck to you. We're here.

[Confused99]

I was there.  1000%.  Lost weight.  Slept a few minutes at a time.  Threw up.  Cried like a baby.  Could do nothing.  My family was scared for me to be alone.  I can tell you it gets better.  I met someone else when I least expected it.  I still
Miss my exBPD but I can tell you I sleep good, with exception of a few nightmares, and I am back healthy.  I do have those moments when I see something online of her being happy which I know I need to stop looking at.  But it will get better.  Keep putting one foot in front of other.  Good luck and we are here for you

[Indifferent28]

I'm a year and a few months out of the break-up from my BPD ex.
I was with her for a long time, 5 years, and losing her was the hardest thing ever.

I was where you are. I still get like that.
The reason being, a part of me always felt she would come back. My heart, my subconscious, something. It always left a lot
of regret in me, like I could've done more (I could've) which makes forgiving yourself and your chance at happiness harder.

Do you have regrets?
Does any part of you still long for her? maybe subconsciously you still do.

I have recently, very recently, made the decision to move on with the intention that she is never coming back. It was a very hard decision to do. But so was staying in a constant empty state saying "what if" or "maybe" thinking she might come to her senses.
When you realize they have BPD or even speculate it, it makes the odds of them coming back because they ever genuinely loved you VERY low, and you begin to look at the entire relationship and after very differently.

Did you know your ex had BPD when you were together? I didn't speculate mine had this though I knew she was mentally unwell. It wasn't until i discovered how BPDs can move on so fast, how they can just replace you like nothing, etc, that i really felt so low and hurt that i made the decision to move on.

If your subconscious mind even feels shes coming back a little, it may keep you in this empty state. You were used to the highs and lows. Now youre just getting the lows and your body is unaware of what to do.

We all feel like you... well most of us here I think.
Even when you do let go of hope, it's very hard to get feelings back

[heartandwhole]

Hi LonelyChild,

I'm sorry that your feelings of depression haven't lifted. That is so very hard to deal with. 

I know you've tried medication with no success and that you have a good therapist (who is on vacation now, I think?). I wonder if trying a different medication would help? I know it can take some trial and error to find the right medication and dosage for each individual. Also, is there perhaps a group therapy or CBT/DBT/mindfulness workshop you could attend during this time when you can't see your therapist, or in addition to seeing your therapist? Something to keep the support going, and also to try out some other methods to help you cope.

We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Stripey77]

I second what atomic says; evenings and weekends are the hardest, not least of all because that's when I spent time with him, of course, as would have most of us with our partners.

You are not alone in these feelings. I am having a particularly bad day today, very sad and very empty indeed. I feel as if my heart's been closed off, which is terrifying to me because I so very much want to be in a relationship again when I find the right person. But I seem to be in some vicious trap where I am incredibly lonely, despite cracking on with things every day, and yet the only person I want, really want, is him.  I was 'with' him just a few weeks ago after a long separation and ST, so this is pretty fresh.  As others have expressed on other threads here, I just feel as if I will never find anyone again with whom I'll have such a connection. For me, this was nothing whatsoever to do with 'mirroring' but everything to do with our electric sexual and intellectual compatibility. It feels like a criminal, not to mention sad, waste.

The key for is not just throwing myself into work. It's social life too. I have got particularly close to a fairly recently made female friend in my town, and spend a lot of time together, not to mention as  part of our wider group. Go out. Go out a lot. Focus on you, what you're going to wear, what you're going to eat if you're out for dinner, talk to your friends about anything and everything. Talk about their burdens. Anything, anything at all to try to take the edge off the emptiness and to remind our brains that we have other duties and existences outside of this. Not least of all the duty to ourselves.

I'm not promising a miracle. The emptiness is still there, but it gets 'turned down' in volume to a background sound whilst your mind is otherwise occupied. I fall asleep every night wishing I was in his arms, but it does help in general. It's all about baby steps. One day at a time, that's all I can suggest, and then one day becomes two, become four, and so on.

To a certain degree it's almost 'kidology'. I think we have to force ourselves to get up and fight. The alternative is to sink, and I'm not doing that.

 

[Puzzledpieces]

I was there.  1000%.  Lost weight.  Slept a few minutes at a time.  Threw up.  Cried like a baby. 

I was this same person only a few months ago. Falling asleep at night was my saving grace, as I was able to shut off my brain, but I still woke up and thought of my situation right away and it would all repeat over again. It was draining and awful, and most of the time I felt like I just floated through the day because my mind was elsewhere.  I was unhappy and wanted to be alone, it was the only time I was somewhat content, but at the same time it was probably the worst thing I could've done, isolate myself.
I have no tricks up my sleeve for how or when things get better, but time is a good friend, and I have had a lot of space away from my BPD for months now, and I am slowly getting there and feeling a lot better. It's a journey that takes a lot of time to process and recover from, but you will get there.  I found when I was able to keep myself busy, spend time with friends, do things I enjoyed, I at least had some brief moments where I was able to forget for a while. I decided to dig into personal issues more with the extra time I had, and I spent a lot of time searching with in myself. Why I accepted this behavior, what led me to miss all the extremely clear red flags, why I missed someone who treats me like garbage etc.  It's very interesting stuff when you get into it. You learn a lot about yourself. I think I spent too much time trying to make sense of my situation and it just drove me to feel that much more crazy. Focusing on you is the most important thing here, it's the most important in your recovery. Also having at least one confidante, someone who will be there for you and listen to you whenever you need, is important. I took to Journaling my feelings, and I would write as often as I needed, sometimes numerous times a day.  I read back on some of them just to see how far I've come. I am definitely not 100% yet but I do notice that I'm thinking of it all less obsessively these days, and the happy healthy me i once was before him, is emerging again.
Talk as much as you need to, even if it's here:) it's important to find a support system that will be there for you, and help you through your difficult times xx

[steelwork]

Time does not heal all wounds for some people, unfortunately, and I want to reiterate what I said about needing to approach this aggressively. Depression comes in different varieties. It might be situational, it might be chronic, it might be situational but turn into chronic depression, it might be at a level that doesn't impede functioning, or it might be bad enough to send you to the ER, as it has. it might respond to lifestyle changes well enough to get you back on your feet, or you might need more help. LonelyChild, I know you have been coping with this depression for quite a while, and you've been in therapy, but not consistently. You need consistent support. I know it's exhausting when you are in this condition to muster the persistence you need to find it. But you must. It is not getting better on its own.

I made a comment above about trying to get a team approach together. I really think you need to be thinking in terms of multiple modes of treatment right now.

Where are you at, LonelyChild? Check in with us, please!

[LonelyChild]

Where are you at, LonelyChild? Check in with us, please!

I read all posts. Sorry for not replying. I don't really have the motivation. My days basically consist of waking up with anxiety, regretting most of life (including childhood with two borderline parents) and just staring at a wall. I'm not motivated to do anything. I'm not happy with anything, really. I miss my uBPDxgf even though I never want to see her again at the same time.

I started seeing a doctor as wel, and will continue to see my P. Basically everything hurts in life. Thank you all for posting in this thread, it means much to me.

[lovenature]

I can relate to how devastating the severe depression is. I think others have given good advice, try to do what you think is best for YOU; one day at a time, one hour or even moment at a time, going with how you feel. Try to do what brings you comfort and peace during this difficult time. A balance between forcing yourself and taking the time you need can be good.

Hang in there, you are not alone!