Brother and mother BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi - this is my first post and I am so grateful to have found this forum. As far as Millons categories, my mother is Discouraged BPD and my brother is an Impulsive BPD. My brother and mother live together (she is 84 and he is 51). He has not worked for over 14 years and has completely depleted my mothers retirement funds.

My brother is always abusive to me and my two other sisters. The day after I took his daughter in to live with me and my partner (at his request) and gave him $3,000.00 for yet another debt, he called my home and left a message on my voice mail saying I was the most disgusting disappointing human he had ever met. I say this only to establish the level of dysfunction. It's as if my mother has Stockholm syndrome. He screams at his children on the phone, suggest they go on welfare because he cant support them (16 & 18 years old) and then encourages them to smoke drugs with him! My mother repeatedly says that he is the Best Father she has ever seen.

I have tried for the past 8years to help them but no matter what I do or how abusive he gets my mother pretends it does not happen. My partner keeps telling me that I am looking for rational answers for the behavior of crazy people. I am at a loss as to what to do. It seems that the relationship is this weird dysfunctional binary situation - you are either all in or all out. The disorder does not seem to lend itself to any other options.

I am just looking for any words of wisdom or stories that some how validate my feelings that I am not a horrible human being.

Thank you for listening,

[binkblue43]

Hi - this is my first post and I am so grateful to have found this forum. As far as Millons categories, my mother is Discouraged BPD and my brother is an Impulsive BPD. My brother and mother live together (she is 84 and he is 51). He has not worked for over 14 years and has completely depleted my mothers retirement funds.

My brother is always abusive to me and my two other sisters. The day after I took his daughter in to live with me and my partner (at his request) and gave him $3,000.00 for yet another debt, he called my home and left a message on my voice mail saying I was the most disgusting disappointing human he had ever met. I say this only to establish the level of dysfunction. It's as if my mother has Stockholm syndrome. He screams at his children on the phone, suggest they go on welfare because he cant support them (16 & 18 years old) and then encourages them to smoke drugs with him! My mother repeatedly says that he is the Best Father she has ever seen.

I have tried for the past 8years to help them but no matter what I do or how abusive he gets my mother pretends it does not happen. My partner keeps telling me that I am looking for rational answers for the behavior of crazy people. I am at a loss as to what to do. It seems that the relationship is this weird dysfunctional binary situation - you are either all in or all out. The disorder does not seem to lend itself to any other options.

I am just looking for any words of wisdom or stories that some how validate my feelings that I am not a horrible human being.

Thank you for listening,

[schwing]

Hi binkblue43,

It seems that the relationship is this weird dysfunctional binary situation - you are either all in or all out. The disorder does not seem to lend itself to any other options.

Google "dialectical behavior therapy workbook" and take a look at a few of the links that have a PDF documents associated with it.  

Here's an excerpt from one of the documents:

Move away from “either-or” thinking to “BOTH-AND” thinking.  
Avoid extreme words: always never, you make me.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is one of the therapies that has been proven to help people suffering from BPD manage and mitigate some of their dysfunctional behaviors.  The hard part is getting them to practice DBT.  You can bring a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink.

I don't expect you to get either your mother or your brother to do DBT.  But if you learn about DBT such as by looking at some of these materials, it might help you understand how your family members are dysfunctional in their thought processes.

Take a look at it, let me know what you think.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Mutt]

Hi binkblue43,



I'd like to join schwing amd welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time.

My partner keeps telling me that I am looking for rational answers for the behavior of crazy people.

We're all different, some people feel  the need to seek answers, dig a little deeper than the surface layer and  some people  don't need to dig deep. I'm glad that you decided to reach to a support group. You'l find many members hete that can relate with you.

I am just looking for any words of wisdom or stories that some how validate my feelings that I am not a horrible human being.

I have family members that's similar to your dad and brother. Like schwing said they view the world is either "all good" or "all bad" and not as integrated whole.

I understand how that can hurt when you're invalidated for whatever you do. For years I tried to prove myself, but they have black and thinking. It helps to learn as much you can about basic BPD psych, understand why loved ones behave the way that they do and depersonalize it. How my family members view the world is different than how I view it but their opinions are not necessarily my reality.

You're not a terrible person, we're not all good or all bad, we're somewhere in the middle? I'm sorry that your family invalidated you. It helps to talk.

[Notwendy]

You are not a terrible person!

I've been in your shoes with my family. I could do helpful things for them but if they got angry at me- I was the worst human on the planet. When my father was sick and we kids tried to help. If either of them got angry at us they would console themselves for the terrible children we were.

There is a lot to learn here- the lessons are a good place to start. One model that helped me was the drama triangle. I found that if my parents had me in persecutor role, mom as victim, dad would join her as rescuer. It seemed to make their bond closer. I don't know if they intended that for me, but in a way, being angry at someone else seemed to bond them.

I also had to see where my "helping" was actually enabling or being in the drama as rescuing. Although this seems like a nice thing to do- it could be a part of the drama. Once you see how all roles are dysfunctional - and leads to you becoming their "victim" you may rethink your helping behavior.

I think you are a caring person and I am too. But often when we grow up in this kind of family we don't know the difference between helping and rescuing. I had to learn this. You can too- while still being a caring person and learning ways to be helpful and drama free.

[Fie]

Hello Binkblue43  
 
Welcome, and I  hope you will find some calm in these boards, as I have.

I am just looking for any words of wisdom or stories that some how validate my feelings that I am not a horrible human being.

Horrible people don't open up their home to the  daughter of their brother.

Moreover, and a step further, I would like to copy here what Mutt said (

You're not a terrible person, we're not all good or all bad, we're somewhere in the middle?

).

Just today I was watching this really interesting video, where the speaker states  that we are neither bad nor good, we just are. More personally, it's my belief we all have good things  as well as bad things in us. It's just a question of trying to let  out as many good things as possible, and  as least as possible the bad.

Here's a link to the video. It's a little of topic, but try to bear with it and at  one point the  speaker starts to talk about what I'm trying to point out here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wKeyTFblXQ

[binkblue43]

Thank you to all that took the time to reach out and offer their thoughts and encouragement. I fell better knowing that there is a safe place to discuss these matters with people who truly understand.

My friends have been supportive but I often feel that my issues are an additional burden to them as they can not really relate.

Binkblue43