Ever have this issue in your relationship?

[Baulwin]

I am the individual with BPD here sadly, but i had a general question.?
Do any of you experience these things while in a  relationship? and is it normal?

At time with my fiancé i feel :

1. Doubtful because i can't distinguish if i chose my husband or my mom did due to intersecting comments made by my therapist implying i listen to my grandmother about everything.

2. Sometimes I'm highly irritated with him as if him breathing makes my skin peal.

3 sometimes i want attention because i want people to think I'm beautiful and want me. Possibly due to my indues with my body and feeling ugly.

4. At times i feel he isn't this or that enough for me.

Honestly i feel like its me possible pushing him away for little things that don't matter once I'm in the depressed devaluing mood. Because though i may think these things and feel this way i concisely know i have a great man and most likely wouldn't find someone to treat me this good.

I guess my question is is it normal to be confused if he is the one. or maybe I'm not confused if he's the one but scared he isn't the one because I'm afraid of him leaving me and not fulfilling the commitment of forever.

Sincerely miss confused... .

i just wanna be the best for him please help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hopeful07]

I'm not sure how to answer you but my (now ex)boyfriend seems similar. He likes attention from the opposite sex, he said my compliments don't mean anything because I love him and have to say nice things, which is so not true. I feel like that behavior is all the time, not just when hes having an episode. When hes having an episode he tells me things like you described, that I'm not enough for him for various reasons. When hes ok I'm the greatest thing to ever happen to him and we are soulmates. Personally I think that when you are feeling good, if you are happy with him, that's real.

[Baulwin]

HOPEFUL07

Thanks so much for them input. i will have to say when its good which is more of the time i feel so happy and light even when I'm angry and saying those things its like consciously i know he is a good man but my emotions are just crazed. I want to get to a place where my bad episodes are less and less honestly. i think I'm reflecting on him because of my own insecurities.

i guess i wonder i f it is normal to doubt or get angry maybe the fact them thinking this ways means its normal

[hope2727]

Hello and I am sorry you are suffering through these experiences.

I can't speak for others but I do know that sometimes even as a non I feel some similar emotions. I think that I probably don't feel them as strongly as a person with BPD would however.
 

2. Sometimes I'm highly irritated with him as if him breathing makes my skin peal.

I have been seriously irritated with my ex fiancee but underneath it all I always loved him. I think its just part of having to share space with another human being.

3 sometimes i want attention because i want people to think I'm beautiful and want me. Possibly due to my indues with my body and feeling ugly.

My exfiancee expressed these emotions to me at time. I don't experience them myself but he was a terrible flirt and told me "I need the ego boost". I just wanted him to want me. No one else. He was the person I loved and all I needed was for him to love me like I loved him.

4. At times i feel he isn't this or that enough for me.

I have felt he wasn't responsible enough, financially careful enough, honest enough, consistent enough, sexual enough, attentive enough intelligent enough, masculine enough and other things at times. IN the end however I chose to be with him so I chose to work through those feelings. NO one is ever perfect. We are all human with strengths and weaknesses, good and bad, positive and negative. We all have gifts we bring to our relationships and areas we need to improve upon. He has expressed I wasn't pretty enough, young enough and other things but then would tell me days or hours later how I was everything to him. I think he experienced these things wholeheartedly in each individual moment.

Honestly i feel like its me possible pushing him away for little things that don't matter once I'm in the depressed devaluing mood. Because though i may think these things and feel this way i concisely know i have a great man and most likely wouldn't find someone to treat me this good.

Yup I agree with you here. I think that is a good insight. The question is now how are you going to challenge that thinking and overcome it to stabilize your relationship?
That might be a question to explore with a really great therapist.

I guess my question is is it normal to be confused if he is the one. or maybe I'm not confused if he's the one but scared he isn't the one because I'm afraid of him leaving me and not fulfilling the commitment of forever.

I think "the one" is an overrated concept. Every couple I have ever known to have a long term relationship (30+ years) has wanted to figuratively strangle their spouse at points. They never loved them any less they just were frustrated with them. To some degree love is a choice. I choose to love the person I am with. Yes there are other people out there who might be more handsome or wealthier or sexier or whatever but I choose my person. Through thick and thin I choose him. The end.


I hope that helps a little. Kudos to you for being brave enough to examine yourself. I wish you all the best.

[jrharvey]

2. Sometimes I'm highly irritated with him as if him breathing makes my skin peal.

4. At times i feel he isn't this or that enough for me

#2 is not normal I don't think. #4 is normal sometimes but I don't think its normal to react the extreme way that my BPD girlfriend reacts.

Sometimes I am the man of her dreams and sometimes I am a disgusting piece of crap. Sometimes I could be literally doing something for her that she LOVES and she could find one tiny thing and blow it up to make it seem like I don't love her.

For example... .
I planned a trip with her to the mountains. She wanted to ski. I bought the hotel, tickets and got everything ready. I even packed for her. As we were about to leave she FLIPPED OUT on me and wanted to cancel the whole trip because I did not ask her to try on the skiing clothes. She said I didn't love her enough and I just thought she was crap I could just treat bad and not care about. It didn't make any sense but neither does BPD thinking. 

Honestly I think it had nothing to do with what she was upset about. Its like me breathing. Just something about me at that moment made her hate me.

3 sometimes i want attention because i want people to think I'm beautiful and want me. Possibly due to my indues with my body and feeling ugly.

I think this is totally normal.

[NotThatGuy]

Its always hard to know how our "insides" compare to other people's "outsides."  Even we recognize other people's descriptions as similar to our experience-- we're comparing what they say or do, to how we *feel*.  So it may or may not be a real similarity.

I'm a non-BPD with some features, notably emotional regulation problems.  My mom and my wife are uBPD.  The experiences you describe match things I have felt, and I've even asked other people about it sometimes.  When we were engaged, I mentioned to a wise close friend that sometimes I felt unsure, I didn't know if we had enough spark to make it work, or if the things I found irritating about her were warning signs.  My friend told me that it was a normal way to feel, that she'd felt similarly about the relationships that had been the most successful for her. (She is widowed, another relationship ended due to problems they could neither have foreseen).

So, I'll say to you what she said to me: doubts and irritations are normal.  If not everyone feels them, then certainly most people do.  There are lots of reasons we get into relationships, some good and some not so flattering.  It's easy to second guess ourselves.  Irritation is normal too.  It's like the flip side of finding little quirks adorable-- some quirks, less adorable, and sometimes they grate.  Some of us are more prone to be irritated by those things, and more prone at some times than others. (I find little stuff far more irritating when I'm depressed.  It has to do with negative cognitive bias, I think.)

Wanting attention, I have less familiarity with, but I'm widely told its normal, too.  What matters is what you do with it, and that you find a partner who's compatible.  If your guy is super-jealous (which isn't good, in itself, IMO),  then enjoying a little recreational flirting is more of a problem.  Or if you find that flirting isn't enough for you, that can be a problem too, regardless of your relationship.

The things you're talking about are, to me, the sort of things that are best noticed and validated as feelings, and not necessarily acted on.  If you're seriously evaluating your relationship, they're things to take into account, but if you're basically happy and think you have a good partner, then they're just background noise.  A good relationship can include them, and to have a good relationship, most people need to learn to tolerate the doubts and irritations.   

[adaw]

Its 'normal' my BPD told me even the way I hold my cigarette annoys her. My reaction was simple what the heck?