struggling greatly with relationship with my adult son ...

[leverne]

Hi, I'm looking for insights/help ... .in my relationship with my adult son. Which currently is nonexistent. He is not speaking to me, I don't want to create more problems or a deeper one ... .so since Christmas (which we spent together) we have not spoken. I don't know how to approach him anymore ? I'm at a total loss. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcome Leverne:

You have certainly come to the right spot to get support and ideas.

Has your son been diagnosed as having BPD?  Did your son give you his reason for wanting to break contact?  Has this happened before?

[leverne]

Hi, thanks so much for your response. I realized after posting that I really said nothing about my son. Brief (I'll try) overview. When my son was born, after 2 weeks I called the doctor and ask what was wrong with him, he cried 23 hours out of 24, hospitalized, found several things ... .pectic ulcer, allergies, 
ect., and said, yes, he cried constantly! After that he still cried all the time, the only way I could quiet him was to walk the floor holding him on his tummy over my arm with feet and arms draped down over my arm. For 2 years I was a walking zombie, from next to no sleep. At 2 years they put him on medication to calm him down and make him sleep ... .but could never get it adjusted, so I took him off of it. They told me (this was back in the 60's, so didn't know much then) that his brain cells were developing to fast so he was "hyperactive" and all would adjust and normalize when he was 5 or 6. This never did happen. In grade school they said he was "retarded" and had him have testing for such, but the phycologist told me he was far from retarded, he in 4th grade had a vocabulary of 12 grade and beyond ... .testing very high in all things except for math, that was always a struggle for him. This continued throughout his school years. Always a struggle for him, tried college, but he dropped out after the 2nd semester. Could never get anything to hold his interest ... .same throughout his adult life, job after job, relationship after relationship, married, divorced ... .brushes with the law, some drugs, struggles with alcoholism. Trying to be brief, but leaving out many things and issues ... .diagnosed in high school and college as ADHD ... .put on different medicines, but he would only take them for a bit, then say he felt better with self medicating, which has mostly been alcohol. He is now in a relationship with a woman who is an alcoholic and encourages him to drink, they have a very stormy relationship, but has lasted longer than any other, so something in it works for them, but to me is very unhealthy. Since he's been in this relationship ... .it seems she resents him relationship with me, so it has been strained for quite awhile, and yes we have had breaks for periods before, where he gets mad for completely nonsensical things and rants and raves at me, then doesn't speak for a few weeks, then calls and apologizes ... .but now it's been a couple of years of him calling up and starting an argument, blaming me for not getting him help when he was younger, blaming me for not making him stay in college ... you name it and it's all my fault, now since Christmas he's not speaking to me and if I call he won't answer, if I text he won't respond ... .at this point I just want to know he's okay and to be on speaking terms ... .I don't meddle in his life, I don't try and force anything at all ... .I don't interfere with him and his girlfriend ... .

[leverne]

forgot to answer ... .no he has not been diagnosed with BPD, but I truly believe that is what he has, all of the points of this fits him more than any other diagnosis ever has. But he got furious with me when I suggested very gently that he may look into it ... .his whole life he has asked me "Mom, what is wrong with me"? And, being a Mother, you constantly try to figure out what is wrong and always try to help.

[livednlearned]

Hi leverne,

There is something in the book Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr about kids who continue to ruminate about past wrongs. I believe this advice is along the lines of validating the feelings (he felt it, it's real to him... .) and then moving on. Dwelling on it with them can lead to emotional arousal, as though revisiting it over and over again makes it seem more real. There is more on how to phrase it in the book that I'm sure I have forgotten.

My son (15) did this too and I've learnt to validate how he feels and then gently remind him that yes, it is painful, and I accept he felt this way. If he emotionally regulates, and it feels that he is dwelling on memories without blame-shifting, I will stay with him in the conversation. If he begins to dysregulate, I validate and if he continues to become emotionally aroused, I gently end the conversation and try to get him to focus on something else.

Also, it is possible that he wants contact in safe way, even though he pushed you away. Is that likely? You know him best, and it can be hard to tell. I remember Dr. Gundersen talking about how our kids require counter-intuitive measures. It could mean that he wants you to pursue him, even while he wants to not talk to you. That might mean writing him a letter where you validate how he feels, without trying to force a relationship. It is meeting him where he is at without moving him too quickly.

How do you think he might respond if you wrote a letter like that?

[leverne]

Hi, thanks for your response. I'll have to try and find the book you referenced. I'm just not sure if I wrote him a letter how he would respond. I've learned over the past few years that what he tells other people is total fabrication (to me) to get other people to feel sorry for him, at least that is how it appears to me. I have a hard time believing that he really believes what he says. I have always believed him, but when he was getting a divorce his then wife came and talked to me and told me many things he had told her and her family, WOW, what an eye opener! I also then learned that the things he told us about her and why they were divorcing were totaling not true. We discovered that he told us a lot of terrible things about her and her family were things that he had done, but told us they were her and her family. At the time I didn't know who to believe ... .I now (through) other relationships have learned it is a pattern of his ... .he tells them horrible stories about his father, of abuse, etc., some of which have some truth but greatly exaggerated. His father and I divorced when he was around 10. He tells these stories of abuse and an unstable life, turns his current girlfriend and family against myself and my husband, but tells us equally terrible things about the person he's with and their family ... .at 1st I believed it, but have since discovered (in my opinion) what he is really doing is going back and forth trying to keep distance between everyone so as not to have all the lies he's told discovered. He and his current girlfriend have had many fights and separations over it as she use to call me and ask if this or that was true. I would tell her what had really happened and she of coarse would go back and confront him ... .a big fight, split up ... .get back together ... .which is now to the point where we have no contact. It has happened before, several times, but when things go badly with who ever he's with, then he comes back and tells all these terrible stories about the current person he's with and portrays himself as the victim with no wrong doing on his part.

I just don't know about writing him a letter ... .but I'm giving it a lot of thought.

[Kate4queen]

I've found with my son that he'll go through cycles of hating on one person or in this case, both me and my husband and then he'll eventually work his way around to us again when he wants something. (He told terrible lies about us to everyone, probably still does).

Maybe take your son at his word and leave him be? Wait for him to contact you and in the meantime work on your boundaries and think about what you want the rest of your life to look like. We get so involved in the spiral of fixing our BPD's lives that sometimes we forget about caring for ourselves and just jump whenever they tell us to.
That's probably not healthy, or it wasn't in my family's case. Letting your son go, maybe just send him a text once a month saying "Thinking about you and love you" and leave it at that?
You're not responsible for his choices and he's an adult, so maybe see this as your time and let him work it out.

[leverne]

Thanks so much for your kind words and suggestions! I so feel for you with your son, it's a terrible place to be with your child, wanting so bad to help them, trying in every way you know how, and then have them turn on you ... .over and over again. It just breaks your heart and they have absolutely no idea how badly you just want them to have a happy and healthy life. I sincerely hope your son takes the help needed to live with this illness in a healthy way as an adult, my son never would and it's agonizing watching the many struggles in his life which overshadow all the talents and gifts he truly has.
I think I will take your suggestion and start just texting every few weeks ... .see what happens.

[wendydarling]

Hi Leverne   Welcome 

So very pleased you found us, I joined last December and the wonderful support, deep understanding, sound advice and excellent resources have helped me work with my daughter to get on that step forwards. I started with the tools and lessons on the right, it took me time to 'get it', lots of re-reading when I had time and also reading posts and reaching out when I felt able, understanding others journeys, albeit different (BPD is a broad diagnosis) helped me understand my daughter and able to work with her towards recovery. Small steps Leverne, are working for me and my 27daughter.

You'll often see here the great advice to look after ourselves first and that you, we are not alone, I hope that gives you comfort at this time.

Welcome
WDx 

[leverne]

Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful words! I'm just starting to look at some of the tools, and it will take some time to absorb the material. I'm very thankful I've found this site and the group of people here. It's funny, the sorrow I've felt, the sleepless nights ... .going to bed tired ... .falling asleep, then waking up in an hour or so with conversations and situations going over and over in my mind and not being able to sleep, trying to find a way to solve whatever the problem is/was ... .feeling I must have done something to bring on the latest problem. In just this short time, being able to put words down about the situation and finding others who go through some of the same, some different, but just finding people who understand a bit of what your going through really helps. Sometimes just to be able to vent! The sadness, the helplessness has already lifted a bit, thanks to the kinds hearts I have found here!
It's true, no matter how old your child is, they are still your child and you want to be in their lives, you want some sort of relationship with them ... .even if it's not the one you thought it would be or want it to be, still  something is better than nothing! I hope some day I will have that again.