Just woke up from a Set-Back of a dream

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So yesterday, I seen a video of my replacements tee-shirt company on Facebook (multiple Facebook friends of mine liked the video so it was on my news feed)

And of course, I checked the likes and comments to see if my ex liked it and stuff (knowing that she would eventually) but she hadn't yet and of course my brain wandered to the realm of "maybe she won't like it and they are going trough a rough patch".

Anyway,

I went to bed with that somewhere in my mind.


While sleeping I had a couple crazy dreams. The last dream before I woke up was only her and I in a hotel room.

We talked a little bit and we kissed and hugged. She didn't mention her new man at all in the dream until the very end... .

We walked outside and I ask the question "how long did it take for you and him to get together after our break-up?"

This was her response "psh, like 15 minutes **chuckles**, he would have been mine a year ago if I asked him."

I walked away and told her she was sick. She seemed to have the same facial expression that she had last time I seen her in real life, it lacked any sort of empathy for me and my feelings.


Anyway, I woke up depressed and then I figured what the heck & checked Facebook to see if she liked that post of his video.

She did like the post, 22mintues before I woke up. Which was when I was having this dream.

Not only did she like the post, she chose to "love" the post that had been shared by his mother. And she commented on it with four hearts.

So now I know that she is comfortable with his mother, at least enough to pick that particular share of the video to like and comment on.


Ugh, what a set-back.

I mean, I have yet to actually get over all of this, but I have been making some decent progress mentally.


Now I just want to ask her in real life how long it took to replace me. Although I don't have the true desire to actually do so.

It blows my mind.

How can i still feel this way over 8 months since the break up, and she's out there investing her life with another man & has never shown me one single sign of contact.

[Jeff26]

So yesterday, I seen a video of my replacements tee-shirt company on Facebook (multiple Facebook friends of mine liked the video so it was on my news feed)

And of course, I checked the likes and comments to see if my ex liked it and stuff (knowing that she would eventually) but she hadn't yet and of course my brain wandered to the realm of "maybe she won't like it and they are going trough a rough patch".

Anyway,

I went to bed with that somewhere in my mind.


While sleeping I had a couple crazy dreams. The last dream before I woke up was only her and I in a hotel room.

We talked a little bit and we kissed and hugged. She didn't mention her new man at all in the dream until the very end... .

We walked outside and I ask the question "how long did it take for you and him to get together after our break-up?"

This was her response "psh, like 15 minutes **chuckles**, he would have been mine a year ago if I asked him."

I walked away and told her she was sick. She seemed to have the same facial expression that she had last time I seen her in real life, it lacked any sort of empathy for me and my feelings.


Anyway, I woke up depressed and then I figured what the heck & checked Facebook to see if she liked that post of his video.

She did like the post, 22mintues before I woke up. Which was when I was having this dream.

Not only did she like the post, she chose to "love" the post that had been shared by his mother. And she commented on it with four hearts.

So now I know that she is comfortable with his mother, at least enough to pick that particular share of the video to like and comment on.


Ugh, what a set-back.

I mean, I have yet to actually get over all of this, but I have been making some decent progress mentally.


Now I just want to ask her in real life how long it took to replace me. Although I don't have the true desire to actually do so.

It blows my mind.

How can i still feel this way over 8 months since the break up, and she's out there investing her life with another man & has never shown me one single sign of contact.

[duncsvoice]

Hey Jeff,

I'm sorry you feel like it's been a set back, but remember, it's just a dream. I made a post a couple of weeks ago how I'd had two quite upsetting dreams about my ex that I found incredibly confusing because like you I'm about 8 months down the line, and I pretty much feel back to normal.

If you want my advice, please block/ delete/ do whatever you need to do to stop yourself looking up your ex and the replacement online. By looking them up, you'll keep them fresh in your mind and potentially have this upsetting dreams - which will prevent you from moving forwards.

Don't ask how long it took to replace you - what difference will it make if it was five minutes or five months?

[pjstock42]

I had many dreams involving my BPD ex in the first few days/weeks after the discard (when I was actually able to sleep). These started to fade away yet then around 2 months later she CCed me on an email to my old landlord. I had been in full NC with her and although seeing the email didn't really affect me much at the time, I had a horrible sleep that night and had many dreams about her even though this hadn't occurred in quite a while. It seems like small reminders of their existence like this serve as a subconscious setback to us and reinforces the importance of NC. I'm lucky to not use facebook and not be associated with her on any social media, I'd advise removing any possible social media ties that you have to her to help in preventing this in the future.

[VitaminC]

Hi Jeff,

That dream is telling me how much she is still on your mind, or how easily she pops up in there. I know it's hard.

But here's the obvious question: why are you checking Facebook?

I have read your back story and see you've been taking care of yourself physically, care about your work, and have good friends with whom you spend time. These are all positive things.

We all heal at our own pace, but 8 months after the end of the relationship, you need to consider that any contact via social media is disruptive to your detachment. If something pops up in your feed because other people you know in common have commented etc, then you know that you will not have the ability to resist digging deeper.   Can you think of any ways to make that less likely to happen?

When I was in the throes myself, I thought I would have to move to a different city to get away, because I just lacked the strength to do it while we occupied the same physical space - there were too many constant reminders and overlaps of our lives.
I actually tried to leave, but the couple of options I had didn't work out.

So I just did the other thing that I could do - block, delete, remove, burn, throw away, and change any routines I could that would remind me of him. I also did what you wrote about in one of your earlier posts: wrote out the facts, so I could keep the focus on that instead of the overwhelming feeling of need. Eventually I was able to focus more on the feeling of need and start looking at that "well, hello there Feeling of Need, what are you all about. Let's be havin' ya". 

You still feel "connected" because either some beliefs are keeping you stuck, or you've not fully accepted that your ex has 'moved on'. Maybe this thread on Acceptance will help a little? It did me some good before.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0#top

[kc sunshine]

Whoa, this exact thing happened to me!

I fell back into the rabbit hole a bit yesterday-- checking her facebook, etc-- same thing as you, super attentive to what she liked and to who liked her stuff, trying to piece together what is happening in her life through those little clues. I finally managed to pull myself away from it and get going on my day and into my own life, though it wasn't easy.

Then last night, I dreamed of her. Now the details are hazy but it involved my replacement as well, and she was very enthusiastic about the replacement vs. me and I woke up with the same hurt feeling that I had at the end of the relationship when she was doing that as well. Maybe it is our heads reminding us of the pain in our sleep? I'll try to remember that when I next get the urge to check her facebook (which is right now).

[rfriesen]

How can i still feel this way over 8 months since the break up, and she's out there investing her life with another man & has never shown me one single sign of contact.

People recover from break-ups differently. A pwBPD needs to form attachments to function. While I was with my ex, she told me she could not stand to be alone. When she first told me that, I guess I took it as an exaggerated way of saying, "I don't like to be alone." But later she told me that she had never been single for more than a few days of her adult life (now in her early 30s). Eventually I understood that she really cannot cope with being alone -- or at least the idea is so terrifying for her that she will immediately find a new bf when one relationship ends. About a year into our wild/intense/extreme relationship, things started falling apart. Every time one of us would take a step back, she would immediately find someone new. Then she would come back. After a few months, it finally hit me how crazy this all was and I stepped away for good. She immediately found someone new.

It hurts. Believe me, I understand that. But some people simply cannot deal with taking time to process the pain of a break-up. They bury those feelings and form a new attachment in order to keep them buried. It's a recipe for instability and unresolved feelings of hurt/loss/abandonment.

Don't measure your post-breakup recovery by how your ex seems to be doing. As others have suggested, try not to dig around on social media for what she's up to. Even if you found out that she's not doing well, or is single, would that help you in moving forward with your life? What are you hoping to find on social media? If you're just looking out of compulsion, why do you think that is? Are you able to redirect your focus and energy when you feel the need to check on her? Maybe call a friend or just go for a walk?

[Jeff26]

Don't measure your post-breakup recovery by how your ex seems to be doing. As others have suggested, try not to dig around on social media for what she's up to. Even if you found out that she's not doing well, or is single, would that help you in moving forward with your life? What are you hoping to find on social media? If you're just looking out of compulsion, why do you think that is? Are you able to redirect your focus and energy when you feel the need to check on her? Maybe call a friend or just go for a walk?

I am not measuring my recovery based on her actions. But I of course see why you'd think I am.

Really, all I'm doing like many others on here is looking for any possible clue, as small as a spec of dust, anything to show me and confirm for me that I am not crazy.

Every part of my being still loves this woman. I literally have zero hate for her, as much as I wish I could hate her.

I am fairly confident that the urge to check Facebook, for me, is because I need more insight. I don't feel like I every received the full picture from her, she certainly didn't elaborate on any details during the break up and has not reached out since.


For work, I am an engineer. For my entire life I have always been a good "problem-identifier" & "problem solver". I know that this stems from my defense mechanisms that I developed as a child in light of the actions of my parents. An engineering position makes sense for my brain.

But not only am I good at those things; if I can't for some reason resolve a problem that I have identified, I feel like a failure of sorts. (Which makes me strive to be good at my job, no doubt)

But in a relationship setting, particularly after a break up with someone i highly suspect to have BPD; there seems to be no real way to resolve anything and it shakes me up a bit.

It did take me a while to identify this "problem" and see it for what it is... .It took a lot of effort and maturity to step back from it all and realize there was something deeper beneath the surface that was affecting our relationship (BPD I am almost positive).

But I cannot fix or resolve BPD. Which with an engineering mind set nearly breaks me in two.

Something in our relationship was broke, the problem drove her away from me, I believe I know what the problem is, but instead of fixing or resolving, the problem is persisting.


Of course, I appreciate all of the feedback on this thread.

It's just, the reasons behind me thinking about her and check up on her are rooted in a true love and desire to understand. I guess that sounds creepy but i am confident that is a healthy form of obsession.

I've never driven by her house, I don't ask her sister any questions or even mention her when I'm around her. For the most part, I don't even check Facebook anymore which is a huge help.

I didn't have any closure like most of us in here, and I suspect that she didn't given me closure by design. She knew there isn't any closure she can give me because this wasn't a "normal" break up. It goes much deeper and she didn't want to go there with me.

[once removed]

hi Jeff26,

For work, I am an engineer. For my entire life I have always been a good "problem-identifier" & "problem solver". I know that this stems from my defense mechanisms that I developed as a child in light of the actions of my parents. An engineering position makes sense for my brain.

i dont say this to minimize your experience, but you are not the first to report this and i suspect many members can relate. theres a reason that bpdfamily members score higher than the general population when it comes to measuring intuition. its very keen self awareness and insight on your part that you have connected this with your childhood.

i see the tendency as something of a mixed blessing, like being a good care taker. its a survival tool, probably finely honed. it has probably served you well in the past. i suspect that it did not serve you well during the relationship, and im not sure its serving you well now; it sounds like the need to understand is keeping you attached and causing pain.

that is not to say that trying to understand your experience is a bad thing. often times our psyche needs to settle on a narrative that its satisfied with before we are at peace. in my case, much more than checking my exes social media (which i struggled with), digging into the clinical side of the disorder answered a lot of my lingering questions. have you done that?

But not only am I good at those things; if I can't for some reason resolve a problem that I have identified, I feel like a failure of sorts. (Which makes me strive to be good at my job, no doubt)

can you see where this might be self defeating? you cant resolve every problem and you will exhaust yourself in trying. we can only resolve what we can control (us). it may even be that you use a lot of your resources looking for problems to identify and resolve. have you practiced radical acceptance? it seems counter intuitive, but i found a lot of freedom in accepting that some things were out of my control - that i dont have to solve everything. i gained focus and energy when it came to productively solving what i could control and recognizing when/what i couldnt.

you may also relate to the following workshop, as it speaks to being driven toward understanding: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Hey there,

   Sorry you hit a bump in the road, they can be painful.  I am 2 yrs out of a 3 yr r/s & have finally made some progress I am comfortable with. The first year out was a constant push and pull so I never really allowed myself anytime to truly heal. She started dating someone & I didn't hear from her for 10 months.  That's when the real progress began.  Regarding your issue however, I still have dreams about her that throw me. Usually they start off filled with love but by the end she is leaving me in some way shape or form.  The next day I usually mull over it but the day after that I'm back on track. I'm not saying it's easy. I still have good days & bad, but I've finally realized our r/s would always end with me holding out my hand & her leaving. Journal about it. Write about it. And if u can, let it go.