Nothing Left

[Parents! Get help here!]

We placed our d in a therapeutic boarding school last year after she ran away from home and became suicidial.  She was doing well, until she got closer to 18 and we decided to get guardianship.  She became obsessed with leaving the center and contested the guardianship.  We ended up with limited guardianship, but on a home visit she refused to return and my H wouldn't force her back.  It has been about 3 weeks and I still have nothing to say to her.  I'm so terribly disappointed and hurt.  I know saying anything to my d will probably just cause an issue and really do no good.  My h and I are in therapy and still can't agree on how to deal with her.  I find myself sobbing at times.

Since she has been home then my H has let her do whatever without any boundaries.  He even dropped her of at some old friends that she used to get in trouble with.  I've been in the dark, not really knowing what is going on as my H is keeping it all from me.  Although I'm blocked from her FB, I've been checking her public posts and pics and get a general idea of what is going on.

I found out that when she was with her friends they had drugs and I saw a pic of her smoking.  She is now mad at my H (best dad in the world the day before) cause he mentioned something about how she is regressing and that she has no reason to be mad at her sis because she wouldn't drive her to a friends house.  She has now blocked my H from her fb and is staying at her cousins.  She is also angry at her friends and found that she broke up with her old boy friend for someone else and now broke up with him.  She asked my h to lend her money for a ticket across the country to visit an old "boy friend" with cancer.  Glad he didn't help her with that.

We have her educational consultant involved who helped us place her in the RTC last year.  She is acting as her life coach and put a list of expectations she needs to follow while living at home.  She refused a good number of them and told her that now that she is 18 she can do whatever she wants to and that she doesn't care if she ever sees her parents again.   She still needs to get her HS diploma and has agreed to do an online school.  If she continues on this path I doubt she will be able to finish HS.  She is so delusional about reality!  She states that she won't go to a community college, only a university and wants to apply to Burkley.  I'm not sure what her GPA is, but know that it is way below a 3.0. 

Her life coach feels that is RAD (adopted).  At times I want to believe she will get better, but not feeling very hopeful.  She lacks empathy and can't seem to take any responsibility.  I want to place her in another center, but my h is totally against it.  He just keeps telling me to "let her have her life".   

This is causing a huge impact on our marriage.  Sad to say, she doesn't really care and probably feels it gives her more control.

[bpdmom1]

We placed our d in a therapeutic boarding school last year after she ran away from home and became suicidial.  She was doing well, until she got closer to 18 and we decided to get guardianship.  She became obsessed with leaving the center and contested the guardianship.  We ended up with limited guardianship, but on a home visit she refused to return and my H wouldn't force her back.  It has been about 3 weeks and I still have nothing to say to her.  I'm so terribly disappointed and hurt.  I know saying anything to my d will probably just cause an issue and really do no good.  My h and I are in therapy and still can't agree on how to deal with her.  I find myself sobbing at times.

Since she has been home then my H has let her do whatever without any boundaries.  He even dropped her of at some old friends that she used to get in trouble with.  I've been in the dark, not really knowing what is going on as my H is keeping it all from me.  Although I'm blocked from her FB, I've been checking her public posts and pics and get a general idea of what is going on.

I found out that when she was with her friends they had drugs and I saw a pic of her smoking.  She is now mad at my H (best dad in the world the day before) cause he mentioned something about how she is regressing and that she has no reason to be mad at her sis because she wouldn't drive her to a friends house.  She has now blocked my H from her fb and is staying at her cousins.  She is also angry at her friends and found that she broke up with her old boy friend for someone else and now broke up with him.  She asked my h to lend her money for a ticket across the country to visit an old "boy friend" with cancer.  Glad he didn't help her with that.

We have her educational consultant involved who helped us place her in the RTC last year.  She is acting as her life coach and put a list of expectations she needs to follow while living at home.  She refused a good number of them and told her that now that she is 18 she can do whatever she wants to and that she doesn't care if she ever sees her parents again.   She still needs to get her HS diploma and has agreed to do an online school.  If she continues on this path I doubt she will be able to finish HS.  She is so delusional about reality!  She states that she won't go to a community college, only a university and wants to apply to Burkley.  I'm not sure what her GPA is, but know that it is way below a 3.0. 

Her life coach feels that is RAD (adopted).  At times I want to believe she will get better, but not feeling very hopeful.  She lacks empathy and can't seem to take any responsibility.  I want to place her in another center, but my h is totally against it.  He just keeps telling me to "let her have her life".   

This is causing a huge impact on our marriage.  Sad to say, she doesn't really care and probably feels it gives her more control.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi BPDmom1,

I am so sorry that it has come to this.  I understand the stress it is putting on your relationship with your husband.

Are you upset with him more than your d?  That would be understandable too.

What is it that you and your husband do agree on when it comes to your d? 

How much muscle are you willing to flex to force treatment on your d?  Is there a place to meet  in the middle?

lbj

[qcarolr]

BPDmom1 - welcome to our parent board.

It is so hard when I put such effort into 'guiding' my BPDD toward treatment, and she resists mightly. She basically refuses. This has also caused distress in my marriage. Finding unity with dh on boundaries is painful. Some days I say to myself "She is who she is and will do what she does." Other days all I can think of is the treatment options that are there for her and how to get her to go.

It is my harsh reality that I have no direct control over what she chooses. I can only manage my responses, trying to avoid enabling what feel like bad choices to me. She has to choose to participate in any treatment. That is the only path to healing and change.

I think lbj's question about what you and your dh do agree on is a good place to begin. The other thing that has helped me is working through the tools in the sidebar to the right. These have helped me to create a better connection with my DD and accept what I can't change in her. I have made changes in myself. This has eased some of the tension with my dh too -- have to accept that I don't get to change him either.

My heart goes out to you in this really tough time. Please let us know how things are going.

qcr Carol

[bpdmom1]

ibjnltx,  I'm so very hurt.  At this point I believe I'm more angry at my H than d.  However, that changes at times.

We talked in our last therapy appointment on what we do if she becomes suicidal.  H thinks that she wouldn't go through with it, he pretty much said he would ignore any threats.  I want a plan in place in case she does and told the therapist so. 

d on fb using the f word all over the place and stated something about a boyfriend acting like her fning mom.  I wanted my H to call her out on it next time he saw her, but he was hesitant.  I talked with her life coach and she helped me process it all.  She stated that she doesn't understand why I'm not talking to her and this is her defensive mechanism.  We aren't going to call her out because if she knew we saw the post she would change her setting so we wouldn't be able to see what is going on with her.

She is staying at her cousins, which is for the best.  He is an adult with kids and has some expectations of her or she won't be able to stay.  Since she has left the RTC she has lost all her friends, so no none will be picking her up, for now at least.  If she was home when I saw that fb post I might not have been able to hold my tongue.

[Lollypop]

Hi there

I'm just so very sorry you're in this situation right now. It sounds like you're getting the support to help you work things through.

My Bpds is 25 and I so wish we had a diagnosis at 18. Sadly it didn't happen until he was 24.

At 18 he was uncontrollable and my reaction was to try and put in the control I thought he needed. This led me to stalking him on social media. Yes, knowledge is power. I felt the need to know what he was doing, who he was with, where he was going. I did this on and off for about 3.5 years.

Hand on heart, it felt good to have this ability but I never EVER liked what I read. Nor did I always understand it, kids speak is different, so sometimes I completely got the wrong end of the stick. It took a long time for me to realise that my behaviour was actually making me feel worse. I couldn't stop though.  The end came when he changed his password and I felt very frustrated that I'd lost my view into his world.  The answer is here in these words "his world" isn't my world.  I needed to let go and pray he'd let me in when he was ready - I see this now but didn't then.

We've had a heart breaking time as our relationship further deteriorated.  I eventually saw that I was behaving terribly, I reeled around drawing on his chaos. I got help in the form of FA - pre dx.

I wish I could have let him go, allow him to fall so he could feel the wrath of his consequences.  I'm still there as his cushion but I'm more skilled at dealing with him, our relationship is open and we can talk adult to adult. I practise validation, listening skills and read when I can. I'm preparing for him to leave, live independently, but it's soo slow. I'm trying very hard to be the parent he needs, not the one I thought I should be.

I accept he doesn't seek treatment, he needs to fully engage for it to be beneficial. The responsibility is his, not mine.

Take care of yourself

L

[bpdmom1]

I took a break from this site for awile.  She moved back home as she couldn't live with her cousin any longer (she stated).  Since she has been home  we've had a some rough days (sucide threat, boy over uninvited, police over), but I finally starting talking with my d.  Everything was starting to go well, and then all of a sudden the day before she was suppose to start intensive therapy she got really angry and changed an airline ticket I had made for us all and the next morning she flew out of state to stay with a friend.  Since then she has made arrangements to get an apartment.  We have decided to let her.  She insisted we help her financially and when we stated that she would have to use her own money (from her trust) she got really angry and put a nasty facebook post stating how terrible we are as parents.  We acted like we didn't see it.  I hope she can be more successful on her own than here at home.  She was scheduled for driving training and was working on her HS dipolma online.  I think the intensive therapy, and driving was too overwhelming for her. 

I'm terribly disappointed and can't help but worry about her future.  Her out of state friend is in college and is a good example for her.  Hope that is enough.  I'm working on letting go as I really don't have any other choice that this point.

[Lollypop]

Hi BPD mom1

My BPDs25 has left home three times, each time returning in chaos. I knew each time that he'd fail.  He has had a problem in not taking responsibility for himself.  However, I've never forced him to take responsibility; rather I've cleaned up his mess. We allowed this situation to carry on when in fact we I should have been stronger and allowed him to feel the consequences.

The last time (may 2015) I swore blind that I would never have him back again.  Dec 2015 we asked him to return following his crisis (diagnosis sept 15). He was in a bad way and we believed he would kill himself. He was living in the US with no friends or family support.

It's great that you and your daughter had some time talking better. A light in some challenging times. It could be that you're right and that she may have been feeling the pressure. I can see my BPDs doing exactly the same.  I too take some breaks from the forum, I find it beneficial to try it on my own.

It took my BPDs 5 attempts to pass his driving test.  He has a very high opinion of his intelligence, despite poor grades. He's extremely impetuous and finds himself easily overwhelmed by every day pressures. He finds it difficult to deal with lots of things at the same time.

We told him when he returned that we had changed. We felt that a weight had been lifted from our shoulders as we now understood that he wasn't our responsibility. He was an adult and responsible for himself. We stopped giving him money. Very slowly he's improved. I can't say for sure but I think it's a combination of naturally maturing and us stepping back but working very hard at better communication.

What I'm trying to say to you is that your daughter is making decisions for herself.  She's decided not to have treatment at this time and also move out.  She may manage, she may not. Only time will tell.

We are working on getting my BPDs to the point where he's managing his finances. I smiled when you said your daughter has a trust, my BPDs would blow it very quickly. He blew our savings in 3 months and has no remorse, no empathy. I know so much better now.

How far away will your daughter be living?

Letting go is very hard.  Do you plan on any contact with her?

Hugs

[Gorges]

Letting go is hard, but if you can do it you will feel much better.  My daughter blocked me from all her social media for awhile and it actually was a good thing.  I was too involved in checking on her, trying to figure out her life and what she was doing.  At a certain point after being blocked I was able to spend more hours living my own life.  It gets to a point that this is all we can do.

I too have had a lot of conflict with my husband and I truly believe that if he had stepped up more and was not undermining in limit setting she would be in a better place.  I also know that if I had been a calmer mom we also would be in a different place.  It is frustrating that my husband doesn't see his role in the problem and continues to enable her. 

My bottom line with my husband finally became her living in our house (she is 18).  Right now she is out and I don't expect her back until a college break where I alone am going to negotiate the conditions because my husband will completely let her deeply disturb all family members.  I am willing to lose my marriage over this, but it took awhile to get to this point. 

That said, I am no longer fighting with my husband, nagging etc.  But, I also have let go of trying to influence her in any way.  I love her, hope the best for her but as long as she is not living with us and thus not abusing us, I really have to let her do her own thing.  I would also have control over her finances, phone plan ect. but I let me husband take charge of all that because I don't want to fight about it. 

[Lollypop]

It's a hard road we travel on. Distancing myself from social media was a very positive step for me too. About two years later we are now friends on FB. I'm more relaxed, easy going with him and it's really helped our relationship as I don't react to his problems.

We do what we can to preserve our own sanity and I think you're wise to let your husband deal with the finances. Maybe he too will reach a point where he has to deal with the consequences.  I model behaviours I want to see in my family as guided by what I'm learning here and reading. It has had a huge positive impact on us as a family.

Take care of yourself. Your life matters too.

[bpdmom1]

She ended up coming back home.  She decided it was too cold and decided it was a stupid and impulsive decision.  This was after putting down a deposit and sending two huge boxes via mail that we barely intercepted.  As soon as she flew in we found an apt for her and she has moved in.  She is about 30 mins away.  My H refuses to live we her any longer and I think it is probably for the best that she isn't home.  As far as social media she blocks and unblocks my H depending on how they are doing.  I stay blocked and am somewhat glad as her posts aggravate me.  Better not to know.  However I also feel hurt that she blocks me as I've tried so hard to be there for her.  Her life coach continues to work with her, but having to start over with her goals as she missed some opportunities to start driving and intensive therapy.  She was told that she will be dropped from online HS if she doesn't get caught up by the end of the month.  I'm concerned she has already decided to throw that away has she hasn't mentioned anything about how well she is doing in her online classes like she typically does. 

On top of all that we moved our other daughter into a dorm for college.  Before we got home she called crying that she can't do this and needs to come home.  The next day she was hysterical stating that we don't understand and she has to come home.  We've got counseling at the university set up for her and she has a lot of support.  We had to be very firm that we aren't picking her up.  I'm not sure what we will do if she doesn't go to class the first day.