Sister twists everything

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she mentioned they are celebrating my nephews birthday soon. Then she said, "I hope it's not like last year, everyone left early and it was so sad and barely anyone was there to sing happy birthday and cut his cake". I thought to myself "sad?" I remember the whole family being there and celebrating with them. I had to leave early as I had a baby shower the same day but spent a good couple of hours at my sisters place. My parents also had a anniversary party the same day as well but spent a good amount of time visiting. I reminded my sister that at least everyone was able to come out, thinking this would be a positive thing to say. Boy was I wrong, she started raging and told me " not to go there" and that she knew exactly how my mind thinks and that she's allowed to be upset". I felt like I was on another planet as she ranted. she was trying to give meaning to what I had said and none of it was true. I didn't know how to react in the moment, I just got quiet because I felt so uncomfortable. I've suspected for some time that my mom has BPD but every now and then my sister exhibits a lot of the same traits. I feel like I can't win.  And to be honest, if she knew people had to leave early, why wouldn't they have cut the cake earlier? Is it to make a point or use it as ammunition later?

[Flintridge]

I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she mentioned they are celebrating my nephews birthday soon. Then she said, "I hope it's not like last year, everyone left early and it was so sad and barely anyone was there to sing happy birthday and cut his cake". I thought to myself "sad?" I remember the whole family being there and celebrating with them. I had to leave early as I had a baby shower the same day but spent a good couple of hours at my sisters place. My parents also had a anniversary party the same day as well but spent a good amount of time visiting. I reminded my sister that at least everyone was able to come out, thinking this would be a positive thing to say. Boy was I wrong, she started raging and told me " not to go there" and that she knew exactly how my mind thinks and that she's allowed to be upset". I felt like I was on another planet as she ranted. she was trying to give meaning to what I had said and none of it was true. I didn't know how to react in the moment, I just got quiet because I felt so uncomfortable. I've suspected for some time that my mom has BPD but every now and then my sister exhibits a lot of the same traits. I feel like I can't win.  And to be honest, if she knew people had to leave early, why wouldn't they have cut the cake earlier? Is it to make a point or use it as ammunition later?

[schwing]

Hi Flintridge,

If you sister suffers from BPD (borderline personality disorder), you may have consider that her thinking and feelings are disordered. And one of the big triggers for people with BPD (pwBPD) are occasions of a familial or intimate nature. I think of it as feelings of closeness are triggers of feelings of abandonment/betrayal/denigration for pwBPD.

... .Then she said, "I hope it's not like last year, everyone left early and it was so sad and barely anyone was there to sing happy birthday and cut his cake". I thought to myself "sad?" I remember the whole family being there and celebrating with them.

So during your nephew's birthday, a familial occasion, she is going to experience feelings of abandonment, betrayal or denigration which have nothing to do with what is actually happening (or happened). Her feelings are due to her disorder, but she will try to account for them in a way that denies the possibility that she is disordered. This is perhaps why she "remembers" the occasion differently from you. In her mind, "barely anyone was there... ." which sounds like abandonment?

I had to leave early as I had a baby shower the same day but spent a good couple of hours at my sisters place. My parents also had a anniversary party the same day as well but spent a good amount of time visiting.

You do not have to justify your actions or the actions of any of your family member. Your sister would experience these disordered feelings regardless of your actions.

I reminded my sister that at least everyone was able to come out, thinking this would be a positive thing to say. Boy was I wrong, she started raging and told me " not to go there" and that she knew exactly how my mind thinks and that she's allowed to be upset".

I don't recommend contradicting your sister's disordered perspective or feelings. That would be like trying to cure her of her disorder by persuasion. Just to help you gain some perspective on the difficulty your sister is experiencing, I'll quote a portion of a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) workbook I found on the internet. (DBT is considered an effective therapy for treating pwBPD).

":)ialectical" Open-mind thinking.

Dialectical means that 2 ideas can both be true at the same time.

  -There is always more than one TRUE way to see a situation and more than one TRUE opinion, idea, thought, or dream.
  - Two things that seem like (or are) opposites can both be true.
  - A life worth living has both comfortable and uncomfortable aspects (happiness AND sadness; anger AND peace; hope AND discouragement; fear AND ease; etc).
  - All points of view have both TRUE and FALSE within them.

Being dialectical means:

  - Letting go of self-righteous indignation.
  - Letting go of “black and white”, “all or nothing” ways of seeing a situation.
  - Looking for what is “left out” of your understanding of a situation.
  - Finding a way to validate the other person’s point of view.
  - Expanding your way of seeing things.
  - Getting “unstuck” from standoffs and conflicts.
  - Being more flexible and approachable.
  - Avoiding assumptions and blaming.

Examples:
 You are right AND the other person is right.
 You are doing the best that you can AND you need to try harder, do better, and be more motivated to change.
 You can take care of yourself AND you need help and support from others.

Hopefully this will give you some ideas of why your sister might want to insist that her perspective is the only valid one.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[enlighten me]

Both my uBPD exs would turn family events into a drama if it wasnt for them or they didnt organise it. If they werent the centre of attention then I guess they felt unimportant and with BPD any negativity seems to spiral.

With their childrens birthdays then they organised it and looked wonderful and could take the attention.

My ex wife made a scene at her brothers wedding and went out of her way to get some of the limelight.

As schwing said its not about what others have done its about how they feel.

[Sunfl0wer]

Well schwing has some excellent info on DBT that I find helpful to keep in mind,

Just wanted to add about my sis... .

"I hope it's not like last year, everyone left early and it was so sad and barely anyone was there to sing happy birthday and cut his cake".

Usually if my sis said something like that it means she is experiencing stress/anticipatory anxiety in planning/having the birthday party.

I have to remember, my sis mostly lives in the past.  Her emotions today are out of proportion because they are more like triggered emotional flashbacks than anything to do with the present or any rational way of thinking.

Often if I were to hear a statement like the above one, my mind quickly labels it: BAIT!

Best thing I have learned when dealing with a statement that seems bait-y is to leave it there.  Don't pick it up.  Just leave it.  They are her feelings, no need to argue with them. The tricky part is if she is just determined to go nowhere else but down that road of unleashing past hurts, well, IMO, not my problem, I exit conversation.  I cannot really see a way to engage in that in a way that would not lead her down a rabbit hole as it is likely a reliving of a sense of trauma, and I am not her trauma therapist to do so.

(Idk, that is me, and honestly, don't talk to sis anymore, got too stressful asserting boundaries that were not possible with someone who can find you when you want space.  Others may say validation helps, IMO, not my job to help her soothe unless she told me she was actually trying to implement self soothing tools, I'd gladly help with tool and skills if asked, but I am not big on offering myself as someone's metaphorical binki and also not about painting myself a target of misplaced emotions.)

[Beth21]

Your sister sounds a lot like mine. It's comforting to hear others stories, I only found this group a few days ago after finally reaching a breaking point with my own sister and looking for help. My sister called me to let me know how hurt she was that she wasn't invited to Memorial Day bbq at my parents house. Of course she was invited, we just hadnt said anything to her about the bbq because during the last big fight that caused her to not to talk to us (my parents, brother or me) for a year, she told us we make her feel obligated to participate in family events and she needs boundaries. We always have a Memorial Day bbq and everyone is invited and figured she would ask if she wanted to come. But she didn't and instead apparently spent the rest of summer in pain and depression over us not wanting her. I was very calm at first, told her I was sad she felt that way and would make sure in the future she and her hubby  are always formally invited to everything. But with my sister it's not enough, she needs you to admit that you intentionally did an action to purposely cause her harm and pain. So I snapped and got upset because I spent most my childhood having to try to convince her I didn't have any evil master plan to cause her harm and pain, but all it accomplished this time was just giving her another opportunity to tell me again of all my past sins and how bad I treat her. This fight is minor compared to past ones, but I am reaching my breaking point. She at times seems to hate my whole family, yet chooses to live next to us (my husband and I live next to my parents and she and her husband live next to me), so cutting her out of my life is pretty impossible. Anyway, I hope I  am not taking away from your post, I am not really sure how all of this works. I just read your post and had to join because I understand how hard it can be to have a sister that twists everything and I am trying to figure out a healthier way to deal with mine other than just cutting her out of my life since that really isn't an option. Based on some of the things I have read on here, I see I have some things that I also need to work on which might help the situation in the future... .baby steps I guess

[Pilpel]

I felt like I was on another planet as she ranted. she was trying to give meaning to what I had said and none of it was true. I didn't know how to react in the moment, I just got quiet because I felt so uncomfortable.

In Stop Walking on Eggshells, it recommends a sort of reflective listening.  This has been really effective with my SIL when she get emotionally wound up and dysregulated.  Sometimes she'll even request that we do this, because it calms her down and makes her feel validated.  Sometimes I'm not very comfortable with it, because I feel like she interprets repeating back as agreeing with her.  But it has been very effective in stopping her emotions from escalating.  Having her words repeated back makes her feel empathized with.  And once she feels like someone empathizes with her, she can sort of calm down and start to open up a bit to empathize with others. I'll admit, it's not very easy to put into practice.  I still feel like deer in headlights when my SIL starts to get angry and abusive, and then after the fact I'll think "Ugh, why didn't I just reflect back."