Living nightmare

[mcctaurina]

Hi everyone,

First off - I cannot tell you how excited I am to find this site. I am 35 and have only realised in the last year that mum has BPD. I live far away and maintain as low contact a relationship as possible now, and up until 3 months ago it was going great and I was managing her really well.

Then one day when I was tired I broke one of my commandments - "Though shall not look at mum's facebook. Oops. So she had donated money to the husband of the girl who was the other party involved in my husbands affair and our subsequent divorce. Under the guise of 'giving to charity' (what a martyr) she donated money to him to do a breast cancer walk that she had forced him into. Not cool, mum - not cool.

I unfortunately had been travelling and had had no sleep for 24hours and stupidly messaged her reacting to the post and so it began. She ha now not spoken to me in 3 months bar some extremely nasty messages when I tried to sort it out (boundaries woman - where are your boundaries?) once my dad and gran and big brother started guilt tripping me about how bad I was making them feel. She has them all wrapped round her little finger and my feeling matter jack squat to them. They have even said to me to get over it and that I should not have a problem with this girl/my ex any more... .Nice. Nice.

The problem is that it just keeps getting worse - she told me not to contact her and she would contact me when she was ready (never), but keeps getting other family members to contact me and hassle me about how awful I am making her feel and how I am ruining her life with all this nonsense. I have managed to get my Granny at bay - I have told her the subject is not up for discussion and she respects this - however Dad and big bro do not. Most of dad's messages sound like they are actually written by her too which is not helping. And I have been threatened wit disinheritance. She has now got him to give me the silent treatment too which has been going on for about a month or so.

I love all the stuff about the triangle, but am struggling how to apply it to me, mum and dad. I do feel awful at the thought I am making them unhappy, however I am aware that the only person who has been speaking to them about it is her as she recruits them to be her ally. They do not acknowledge my side, my feelings, nothing. Just how upset mum is. I have definitely had a decent bit of depression in the last few months and am so fed up of her.

Yesterday was particularly bad as I had dad and bro joint attacking me over messages at the same time as they were all together the day before when she barefaced lied to them all and told them I had blocked her on facebook and whatsapp. I haven't, but on it went accusations after accusations until I gave up and just told them that I will talk about the subject anymore. Same as I did a month ago, but somehow they managed to needle their way back in. I am so annoyed at myself for letting them get back in!

I don't really want to go into all the inns and outs of the lifetime of emotional abuse I received, you all know the general jist of how it goes... .I know my big brother got none of it and cannot see that side of her whatsoever, same with dad and granny. They just think I am ungrateful for treating her like 'this' when she was such a good mum to me and gave me so much etc etc etc. She keeps her wicked side well hidden from the family.

Alot of my friends have seen it and my boyfriend too, which is relieving. I feel like I am going mad so often it is not true. I would love to go no contact but I don't think I can just now due to the way the family is. I do everything I can to avoid going anywhere near her. But I want to be able to speak to my other family members and still have as much of a relationship as  can with them. My Granny is 95 years old and I do not know how long left she has so I do not want mum to ruin that for me.

Overall I am just struggling a bit right now with the new dynamics in this extremely strange relationship. I feel guilty, and sahmed. I apologise constantly to anyone and everyone. I didnt even know i was doing it until recently but am now very aware of it but cannot yet stop it. And in 2 days I am moving toThailand. A fact I have had to convey to my dad in message because I feel obligated to tell them. I also want people to know where I am, but it is mostly an avoidance of grief because if I do not let them know in some sort of another the extra grief I will get from all the different angles is just not worth it.

I am making progress, but would really love any information that anyone could give me to try and help me apply some of the stuff on this site to my situation - especially about how to use the triangle to try and change the way everything is happening now with me and mum fighting and her recruiting brother, dad and granny to fight her side.

Thanks a million... .

Mcctaurina

[Mutt]

Hi mcctaurina,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I would feel distressed, invalidated and discouraged if family members sided with  family member and discounted my point of view and believe that I was making a family member upset. We're not responsible for someone else's feelings if they don't have the emotional skills to regulate their emotions or self sooth.

I love all the stuff about the triangle, but am struggling how to apply it to me, mum and dad. I do feel awful at the thought I am making them unhappy, however I am aware that the only person who has been speaking to them about it is her as she recruits them to be her ally. They do not acknowledge my side, my feelings, nothing. Just how upset mum is. I have definitely had a decent bit of depression in the last few months and am so fed up of her.

The Karpmann drama triangle is a a dramatic dynamic that keeps blame, fault unresolved in interpersonal relationships. Triangulation is all around us and it's nit necessarily bad all if the time or that it has to include three people, sometimes it can be work, a spouse is feeling overwhelmed in a marriage and is coping by working long hours at the office.

It becomes polarizing when we choose to pick a side and we don't take ownership of our behaviors amd blame another party, it's not problem solving. The best way to deal with a Karpmann drama triangle is setting the boundary on ourselves, we can't control the actions of others bit we can control our own actions.  Stay in the middle of a drama triangle by not picking sides.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

I'm glad that you decided to join us. This is a place where we can share our thoughts and feelings and not be judged or invalidated for our thoughts and feelings. You'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI  mcctaurina:    

I'd like to join MUTT in welcoming you!.  I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom. What she did was hurtful.  "Thou Shalt Not Engage in Facebook With your BPD" is a good commandment! 

How long do you plan to be in Thailand - temporary move or permanent?  Living far away will have a built-in boundary.  You might decide how you intend to communicate going forward (in accordance with what is possible between countries - any restrictions?)

Most of dad's messages sound like they are actually written by her too which is not helping.

Do you think your mom might be using your dad's account to send messages as him?

One option might be to just copy everyone on a brief and polite email, perhaps with a BIFF RESPONSE .  Just do one email, and send it to all family members.  That could be a way to quickly inform everyone in a brief and polite manner.  You can always communicate separately with others, as you choose.  Maybe the news of your moving might neutralize things a bit.

You probably want to be careful about what you post on whatever social media mom has access to. 

[mcctaurina]

Hi guys - thanks for your responses. The news of my move has already been spread through the family. Mum gets angrier and angrier if she doesn't know first so I let dad know before anyone else as I know he will tell her... .I am pretty sure she is using his WhatsApp to send the messages - they have totally different styles of writing and speaking to me and it just screams that it is her. Does anyone have any idea how to deal with that?

 I am definitely replying too fast though and not giving myself time to BIFF it. I will try this though as I really hate being made to feel like the person who is creating all the conflict and don't like upsetting people - even indirectly.

Thailand is for 3 months to start with, then either stay there or go to a different equally far away place. Never living in Britain is definitely a goal. Keeping a big distance does help and 12 hour time difference will too. Hahaha.

I definitely need to keep in the middle of the triangle... .I have done a lot 9f research about it and am definitely guilty of playing all 3 roles at different times. It will be hard but well worth it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 

I am pretty sure she is using his WhatsApp to send the messages - they have totally different styles of writing and speaking to me and it just screams that it is her. Does anyone have any idea how to deal with that?

mcctaurina:
The decision has to be yours.  Might want to make a list of the pros and cons of each possible decision regarding communication with your parents.  If you don't want to communicate with them on a regular basis, and don't have a need for immediate responses, why would you continue to use WhatsApp or any other form of texting with them?  Forms of texting serve a purpose in some situations, like when you need to send short informative statements (an appt. a date, etc.). There can be a horrible downside to texting during times of conflict or with a pwBPD traits.

If your mom isn't working on any problems in therapy, she won't change.  Only you can change how you react and interact.   You have to set your personal boundaries.

Spontaneous texting can be a problem, even with stable relationships.  It is too easy to write messages without thinking and it is too easy for people to misinterpret what is stated.  There is a lot to be said for writing a draft of something, holding onto it for a day or two and then making a decision on whether to send it or not.  I have to admit that I have a collection of draft emails that I've never sent and am so happy I never sent them (as they were, without some editing). 

Writing out our thoughts is therapeutic, but spontaneously throwing them out there in cyperspace just leads to disaster.  Many statements that people won't make over the phone, they won't hesitate to send in a text. 

Consider establishing a boundary with your parents that you won't send or answer WhatApp communication with them (or other means of texting).  Give them an alternate suggestion for communication, perhaps email or plain old fashioned snail mail, with a stamp.  Perhaps tell them that you feel a need to have more thoughtful communications with them and that removing texting will help remove spontaneous emotions from both sides, which can be destructive and can lead to further unnecessary conflict.

If you have a desire to make peace for the moment, one option could be that you write a handwritten letter to your mom, or perhaps an email and make one last attempt to let her know how you felt hurt by her actions (and how invalidating it was to you).  You may or may not want to do this, but it could be an option, if in hindsight, you think you might want to smooth over something you said spontaneously in your reactive texts.

Best wishes with your move to Thailand.