Contradictory behavior

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello again it has been a while since I have written.  Since that time the divorce has been finalized and my sons 17 and 11 are doing well.  I have 75% custody and it is nearly full custody as their mom is not taking them or keeping them when she does take them.  So here's my question does anyone else's xBPD say they want them then sends them home?  She lives close and so when it her days she sends them to my house to play then just has them sleep at her place.  Now don't get me wrong she took them on vacation this summer but lately hasn't been picking up on time and just has them stay the night.  I get the messages about wanting her time but she doesn't take it.

Some back story here she is 40 and doing the midlife crisis things.  A motorcycle she has laid down twice and bought a BMW convertible.  She just broke up with her 54 yr old BF who was an alcoholic and just had his furniture repoed.  She told my youngest son she is asking his piano teacher out who is 28 and a nice guy but very weak. She has picked my youngest son up late the last two days in a row then told me she would pick him up from school then didn't.  When I got on her about the late pick ups because it bothered him she brought up 3 different excuses in the same text train.  I'm trying to be nice to her but the not taking the kids is messing with them some.  So any experience here and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Also I appreciate this board it got me through my divorce and the 3 previous years of a hard marriage.

[KaishaMikasa]

Hello again it has been a while since I have written.  Since that time the divorce has been finalized and my sons 17 and 11 are doing well.  I have 75% custody and it is nearly full custody as their mom is not taking them or keeping them when she does take them.  So here's my question does anyone else's xBPD say they want them then sends them home?  She lives close and so when it her days she sends them to my house to play then just has them sleep at her place.  Now don't get me wrong she took them on vacation this summer but lately hasn't been picking up on time and just has them stay the night.  I get the messages about wanting her time but she doesn't take it.

Some back story here she is 40 and doing the midlife crisis things.  A motorcycle she has laid down twice and bought a BMW convertible.  She just broke up with her 54 yr old BF who was an alcoholic and just had his furniture repoed.  She told my youngest son she is asking his piano teacher out who is 28 and a nice guy but very weak. She has picked my youngest son up late the last two days in a row then told me she would pick him up from school then didn't.  When I got on her about the late pick ups because it bothered him she brought up 3 different excuses in the same text train.  I'm trying to be nice to her but the not taking the kids is messing with them some.  So any experience here and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Also I appreciate this board it got me through my divorce and the 3 previous years of a hard marriage.

[catclaw]

Hey 

I feel like this ambivalence is a common trait in pwBPD. Dh's BPDx act similarly. She writes pages and pages of wishes for ss to his therapist and teachers but then again, she doesn't  go to meetings and talk appointments. She wants to have more weekends and then drops him off at her neigbours when he is there. Or sends her bf outside to play with him. In BPDx's case we observed that she demands things and then forgets about them. The actual need is insatible until it fades away and some other need steps in. She is inconsistent in her needs and wishes. Is this somethings that fits your BPDxw?

[enlighten me]

Ive seen it so many times with my ex wife. Just had a messy court case with her about our boys. She has said all the right things but never bothered to keep to them.

Im not quite sure what this behaviour is about. Some could be selfishness that the children are just inconveniencing her. Some could be a case of the reality of having the children around doesnt live up to the fantasy in her head of what things will be like. Some could be depression. Who knows.

My only advice is to continue to be the stability in their lives. Dont put their mum down about it to them just validate their feelings.

[catclaw]

I actually think it has to do witj 2 things

1) the unstable sense of self. The pwBPD maybe doesn't know what they want and need, due to the fact that they don't even know who they are on the long run. Imagine, one moment you have a stable feeling for what your kids need (being a mother) while with them and the next day feeling the urge to be taken care of (being dependent) while being with the co-dependent partner or on their own.

2) the fact that emotion = reality. The feelings in that very moment are all that matters in that second. Their personal need for identity, validation and being thought of are so urgent and yet so fast-changing that yesterday's needs might already be unimportant the next day.

[KaishaMikasa]

Cat law yes it fits her very well and your other two points are very insightful.  I do think it's sad for my kids and her that she can't find joy in just being with them.