Seeking advice and support after making desision to leave my partner

[lightworker68]

Hi
I have been with my partner for 4 years, I have always been involved and affected from one crisis to  another, he has not been diagnosed with Bpd, only severe anxiety and depression.so I don't know wetheror not this site is for only people who have been diagnosed with Bpd, but since reading so much and researching the characteristics of our relationship, I see it on the pages, almost describing our relationship as if it were talking about us personally.I could never tell him of my findings, for fear of his reaction, and was always idealised then devalued when I ended the relationship. I realise that my co dependency has had me locked in this relationship for this long. It has traumatised me beyond anything I have ever experienced. I have been apart from him now for nearly 2 months, and really want to reach out for support from people who have experienced similar situations.

[UnforgivenII]

Leaving them is so difficult. There is no way out sadly.
Prepare yourself for a time of struggle and sadness. But it ends (they say, I am still in the middle of it).
Staying meant sadness without an end.

[thisagain]

Welcome, Lightworker!

This site is for anyone who wants help dealing with a relationship (or past relationship) with someone who has BPD traits. So you're in the right place!

Many of us got here the same way you did. After being so confused and shocked by our partner's behavior for most of the relationship, it can be such a relief to learn that the problems followed documented patterns and a lot of other people went through similar experiences.

So you're definitely in the right place and we welcome you to keep posting and telling us more about what you're going through. What motivated you to finally end the relationship? And how have you been doing since then?

[lightworker68]

Thankyou both for your welcome

I want to share what iv experienced, I hope it helps others here and I hope I can get feedback from others who have had similar experiences/
I have been caught in a cycle for 4 years of the most passionate and exhilarating relationship which within months spiralled into the first tirade of the most personal and humiliating abuse I have ever experienced... .why because he felt threatened by a comment that he believed I smiled at on a tv prog! this became the nature of the relationship, they were always followed by tears and shame and overwhelming claims of worship love and adoration. There were many contributing factors of stress on both sides from family situations, I allowed my life to become a goldfish bowl ,sharing and  trusting him with every detail, so that when he was in his state of fear and abandonment he would throw everything in my face that I shared and trusted him with. When I met him I was suffering with so much family related stress, he was my knight in shining armour, I had never been loved by anyone in such a way, I adored him and wanted to be saved by his love. We quickly became  locked into a continuous and literally ongoing drama and crisis based love affair. He isolated me from friends and family, after moving in with me and then leaving me a few times due to his disgust of my past which he continuously threw in my face and has done until a month ago {apparently its a shameful thing to have previous partners and relationships with men who are a different colour from me!} I had problems with my teenage sons, their father was a drug user and they self medicated to deal with their pain. His answer was to move away with him, which is where the isolation came in.  I moved away with my youngest and what unfolded was the most unbelievable situations that anyone could deal with. I never really knew about his life or past, only what he fed me. I never was able to actually find out what he fed me for the reasons of his behaviours from anyone else except him. His ex apparently being the cause of so much of his issues. I stayed with him, supported him through one crisis after another {all of his own causing because of his aggression, abuse and destructive behaviour} I loved him and believed I could love him out of his fears , insecurities, issues and problems, Yet I always became the object of his rage when he felt rejected or not validated any more  by me. This only started on my part after it became so bad and I would shut him out, no contact , terrified of his behaviour, but unable to maintain it. He would wear me down, pleading begging, telling me of what terrible thing was happening to him to make me answer. All of which became the cycle of my reactions to the ongoing way we were locked into the love and fear of being apart and together. He knew how to press my buttons, knew I would react eventually, knew I could not ignore him for long. I was locked in the drama of this relationship, wanted so badly for peace and just the man that could make me laugh and feel happy. It was always short lived, and I knew this but could not stop. I hid so much from my children, my family and friends, the shame of me allowing this to continue, so it became easier to hide it from them, stop talking to them rather than lie and let them know I was still so tangled in the ongoing disaster that was our relationship. It suffocated, drained and exhausted me, yet I went back,. So many times in 4 years iv lost count. It just became a blur of hysterical abusive tirades, public humiliation on social network and abuse via texts , emails, contact to the few friends I had made trying to turn them against me. Monitoring my messages, my fb profile, creating fake profiles to spy on me when apart, by sending me friend requests, seriously working on profiles to make them fool proof! there was no end to how he would check up on me to make sure I wasn't betraying him or talking to other men! All of which he had no reason to think other than his insatiable neediness and self doubt. Yet I still went back, it was almost like the pain of trying to face what he had done to me was so deep and traumatic that it was easier to push it down forgive and let him adore me again. Even joining this group iv had fear in him somehow knowing I'm writing this and he will find out.  As I write this now as I have thought it over a million times, it seems unbelievable that you could allow something to manifest this way, but I did, I have, I tried to leave he would destroy me emotionally and mentally, so I would resume it to stop the pain, knowing the pain would continue. Pain with him ,,pain without . It has taken some terrible things to happen for me to reach this point of no return. There is still a part of me that fears he will state to break my resolve, Serious illness was hi last attempt. I ignored it and it was like aknife in my heart... .what if... i know deep down its a fabrication, I have experienced so many attempts . suicide, overdose, deaths, homelessness, I responded with unconditional love to each of them. I know it will destroy me if I continue. so I have drawn a line, its me I have to love now and walk away. I took the last stint of abuse on leaving to the police, this may stop him. I watched for his messages, a sick game of cat and mouse, it has to stop or I will be consumed by it. I want to breathe I want to not feel scared of my opinions or thoughts, not scared to talk of people without treading on egg shells, being made to feel like I'm scum one minute and a princess the next. I have been in a state of perpetual fight or flight since the 2 months started, terrified of seeing him, hearing from  him, wanting to in the recess of my conscious mind because I miss the side of him that made me feel wonderful and loved. I realise this means I'm quite ill myself.  we have to be honest with ourselves, we are in a dance, drawn like magnets to each other. I want to be strong and close the door for good now, I'm stronger than iv ever been, armed with awareness , but with the knowledge of my own co dependant nature I know its an on going battle. But with awareness and support I feel like I can really work through this. Its a blessing to have become conscious of the reality of this illness, and it has given me strength. Amazingly it has only been in the last month that Bpd has been what I have really researched!

[Moselle]

I miss the side of him that made me feel wonderful and loved. I realise this means I'm quite ill myself.  we have to be honest with ourselves, we are in a dance, drawn like magnets to each other. I want to be strong and close the door for good now, I'm stronger than iv ever been, armed with awareness ,

Lightworker, welcome to the family.

Sorry you are going through such a hard time. Is he aware of the pain he has caused you?

It can be quite disorienting to be involved in a relationship like this but you also seem quite self aware. You know what you want (ie "to close the door" but you also seem conflicted in that you miss the loving side of things.

This is all quite normal. Most of us have experienced something very similar, which brought us here.

It's good to see you are feeling stronger though.

What are your next steps?

[Mutt]

Hi lightworker68,



I'd like to join UnforgivenII, thisagain and Moselle and welcome you. I'm so sorry that you had through all of that.

Even joining this group iv had fear in him somehow knowing I'm writing this and he will find out.  As I write this now as I have thought it over a million times, it seems unbelievable that you could allow something to manifest this way, but I did, I have,

Don't be hard on yourself. You'll find that many of us share similar stories here and it would be very hard for someone to identify you. It helps to share with people that can relate with you. This is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without judgement and invalidation. You're not alone.

I can see how someone would feel a lot of anxiety or fight or flight. Have you talked to an MD about anxiety?

[lightworker68]

hi Moselle
 
Thank you for such a warm welcome.

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years through my teens due to parent issues, and subsequent relationships that were unhealthy. I had managed to get quite well with it before I met him, had counselling and Gp to to work with it, breathing techniques and now meditation. As our relationship progressed and the explosions of anger, rage and disgust at me went on, I became very ill with depression and the panic got worse. An example now even though we have parted, I still get a feeling like a ton weight has hit my stomach when I am driving near where I might see him { we live in quite close proximity} and he has stalked me in many ways when we have been apart. Damaged my property severely. When I hear my phone go I have a churning feeling in my stomach, because of the continuous texting and messaging we were constantly in contact or he would feel like I was distancing myself from him and that would create "situations" again. ... Sorry I'm rambling... .there is so much in my head. Its hard to switch off from it. It has possessed and filled  my life for so long.!

I am very self aware, which kind of makes it even more frustrating that I have been stuck for so long. The bottom line is I know how much I truly loved him, and that the love we shared when he was not behaving this way was so deep. But towards the end and even more now that I have read so much on this illness that I am starting to really question for the first time whether this love was really just an irrational and obsessive fixation. The confusion is terrible, and its what has kept me bound to him for so long. Unlike a lot of traits iv read on the discussion board, he did the complete opposite of not putting my needs first, he was attentive and passionate beyond belief... to the point of feeling quite suffocated by it eventually. But when the ugly abuse and rage came, I wanted it back because it hurt so badly.

He did something which I know is projection too, he would put everything he hated and judged people about at my feet, called me a liar, an abuser because I would ignore him for days and weeks, before I would give into his apologies and pleads of how good I know we are together,soul mates, to talk, work it through, see somebody, a third party, but it would never materialise. We would reunite with love and within weeks we would be back in the same place.
He knew of the trauma he inflicted, would shame himself, but then slowly towards the end he started to actually say he was not to blame completely and that I triggered his behaviour through silent treatment, rejecting him and that I was the abuser of him. saying that the stress of my kids made him lose his mind for worry of me! He began to call me a Narcissist because I said once to him that's what he was. He never knew what the term meant, yet since I called him it, it became what I was. He transferred everything onto me. His loss of contact with family and friends were all my fault when he was angry.

After Reading through a lot of the discussions, theirs apart of me that wonders if he behaved like this in his past relationship, he was with her for his whole life and I was his only other serious relationship. But no the no contact of his family makes a lot of sense. I wonder if he will find someone else to idealise and project his emotions onto. I have never been apart for longer than 3 months.
he moved away so it was easier for me to relax, I knew I wouldn't bump into him. Knowing that he is capable of so much makes me live in fear of what will happen next.

I am just trying now to completely emotionally eliminate him from my life, but its a very tough process. He is blocked from everywhere, but he uses friends I have made to get to me, but I have to ignore this. I am trying to develop techniques that use my spiritual development, let my friends that iv found here and my family back home support me through it. Its going to be tough, but I survived this and I have to look forward and stop looking back

[lightworker68]

Hi Mutt

Thankyou for your message, I must apologise for my rambling, its a relief to find people that relate to what Iv experienced. It come across as somewhat paranoid that I worry about writing openly about these things. Iv experienced someone who has gone through belongings, got into my emails, messages to try and catch me out at something! I hasten to add that there was never anything, I was loyal and completely his. It was always in his insecurities that he felt threatened by anyone I became involved in, even my children he felt were a threat to our relationship. Its impossible to not eventualy develop the same type of behaviours that someone has inflicted on you. Its like a form of mirroring.

I hope that my sharing can maybe help others who are in the same type of relationship I have been in.
 

[Moselle]

I am very self aware, which kind of makes it even more frustrating that I have been stuck for so long. The bottom line is I know how much I truly loved him, and that the love we shared when he was not behaving this way was so deep. But towards the end and even more now that I have read so much on this illness that I am starting to really question for the first time whether this love was really just an irrational and obsessive fixation. The confusion is terrible, and its what has kept me bound to him for so long.

... .

I am just trying now to completely emotionally eliminate him from my life, but its a very tough process. He is blocked from everywhere, but he uses friends I have made to get to me, but I have to ignore this. I am trying to develop techniques that use my spiritual development, let my friends that iv found here and my family back home support me through it. Its going to be tough, but I survived this and I have to look forward and stop looking back

Hang in there Lightworker. It will get better

It must be so difficult to be triggered so much, and anxious. You are beginning to see the relationship for what it was however, and doing the right things for self care.

It's alright to feel confused from time to time. This is a very confusing illness.

I can relate to the Narcissistic comments. My ex was diagnosed with both BPD and NPD. Its a heady mix and I learned to identify when and what she was acting out.

You seem a bit concerned for your safety. Has there ever been an incident which you would consider dangerous to you personally? With him stalking and damaging your property, it must be very stressful.
 

[lightworker68]

Hello Moselle

The abuse was always very threatening to me and my kids, he would say shocking things,  and comments like... I will spend the rest of my life destroying you because you have ripped my heart out, are very hard to not feel fear from. He was violent towards me in a very confrontational way, he smashed things and on 2 occasions damaged my car severely, once when I was in it. My friends and children were often afraid this could escalate to physical violence towards me if he ever felt that threatened by anyone. or really believed I had done something disloyal to him. Hence why the police became involved in a few incidents, and he was cautioned. I never had the abilty to take it further than that.

The recent caution was for harassment and public order from the abusive messages and social media attacks. These things are hard to recover from... but I have got more determined everytime. But I am broken from this.

[heartandwhole]

Hi lightworker68,

I'd like to add my welcome. I'm very sorry to hear about your recent breakup. You have been through so much. I can fully understand your feeling "broken" by it. I felt that way, too, after my breakup. 

As others have noted, you really have found a great place for support and resources. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things really DO get better. They have for me, and they can for you, too. Your self-awareness and strength will help you recover from this. We are by your side, walking with you every step of the way.

You mentioned incidents where you and your children felt threatened and unsafe. That is very hard to deal with. Do you have a safety plan in place, lightworker? It's always better to have something solid in place than to try to scramble for help when emotions are running too high.

Here is more information that you may find useful as you work through this situation:

Safety First

How are your children coping? Do you have supportive friends and family?

Hang in there, lightworker. Step by step you will come out of this and thrive again. We're here for you.

heartandwhole