Does my ex deserve to be forgiven?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As I see it, most of what we call forgiveness is lip service, empty words. Most people I know who claim to have forgiven still hold a grudge.

Through their actions people reveal to eachother who they are, gradually over time. I think the reason our brain does not want forgive is the lingering suspicion that the things people around us whitewash and explain away as "mistakes" actually says something about their character.

Through her inconsistencies and various unpleasant surprises, my ex drove me to a place where I considered suicide. I had never been close, not in my entire life. I still have to deal with her, and we can have a civilized conversation, but would I forgive her? Hell no. I don't trust her and I never will.
It is unpleasant to deal with someone you hold a grudge to and I think that is where the lip service forgiveness comes in. We are under an enormous preasure to forgive. But the grudge will only become the elephant in the room.

[hergestridge]

As I see it, most of what we call forgiveness is lip service, empty words. Most people I know who claim to have forgiven still hold a grudge.

Through their actions people reveal to eachother who they are, gradually over time. I think the reason our brain does not want forgive is the lingering suspicion that the things people around us whitewash and explain away as "mistakes" actually says something about their character.

Through her inconsistencies and various unpleasant surprises, my ex drove me to a place where I considered suicide. I had never been close, not in my entire life. I still have to deal with her, and we can have a civilized conversation, but would I forgive her? Hell no. I don't trust her and I never will.
It is unpleasant to deal with someone you hold a grudge to and I think that is where the lip service forgiveness comes in. We are under an enormous preasure to forgive. But the grudge will only become the elephant in the room.

[snappybrowneyes]

Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. There can be forgiveness, the letting go of the anger to have peace in one's life, but that does not mean jumping back into the fire with a person who has not changed. Forgiveness, peace, and boundary setting are not mutually exclusive.

[woundedPhoenix]

Forgiveness is something that i will probably never be able to obtain with my BPDex. too much has happened.

I was able to forgive a lot during the relationship. I even went into partial denial to make it work. To keep the attachment.

But the end of the r/s was basically one long parade of projection, blame and lies.

And it's especially the lies. My endless well of trust in people and life was broken by her.

The last time i spoke with her for over an hour, i actually started counting the lies. i got to 17. that i know of.

Someone who can so easily toy around with truth and trust, someone like that i cannot forgive.

I can only have Mercy, cause it basically someone who can't help it.

[snappybrowneyes]

verb (used with object), forgave, forgiven, forgiving.


1.

to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.


2.

to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).


3.

to grant pardon to (a person).


4.

to cease to feel resentment against:
to forgive one's enemies.


5.

to cancel an indebtedness or liability of:
to forgive the interest owed on a loan.


verb (used without object), forgave, forgiven, forgiving.


6.

to pardon an offense or an offender.

I think 4 says it all. Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves, not the offender. Forgiveness is not condoning the behavior. Forgiveness is about freeing your mind and soul.

[StayStrongNow]

I am on board with you snappybrowneyes.

All I want to add is that to forgive someone does not mean forgetting what they have done. I have gone through the fire with the stbxBPDw, there is no way I am going to forget anything. By remembering shields me from falling into any remotely similar circumstances.

My finances are terrible, I don't know how I am going to feed my kids until the next paycheck, she has put me through pure hell, so I can't forget, I get angry but I know I can't use up precious energy on hurts, hangups and resentments of my own. Believe me holding a full time high demanding job and raising elementary grade school children all by myself is no walk in the park. So I am not doing lip service I need to heal and do it completely so I can continue my life. I just follow the wise words of wisdom I get here and so far it has worked. Forgiveness just seemed to take a weight off my shoulders I did not need to carry anymore.

Just my honest opinion.

[Pretty Woman]

In my opinion forgiveness is more about releasing the burden from ourselves. My ex did horrific things to me. Was I perfect? No. Should I have ended this sooner? Absolutely. Am I going to beat myself up over it?
No.

In life there are plenty of people willing to hate on us, even people we don't know. We can't control the actions of others but we can control our own.

I am working towards forgiving my ex to give myself peace. Hating someone takes up a lot of energy that can be placed elsewhere.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you are giving this person a "free pass". It means you are letting go and moving on.

 

[Moselle]

This thread has been a revelation to me.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, for your insightful questions which have helped me see the victim I was playing.

I've realised that I was victimised and treated despicably. However being a victim or a martyr is a choice, as is the choice to thrive.

I went yesterday to where we were married on 7th Jan 2000. I sat in the gardens and just sat with the beauty of the manicured lawns and flowers. They reminded me how beautiful my life still is. I felt warm and I felt grateful. Grateful for the good times and the bad times -  from which I have grown so much.

I was glowing and smiling and I let her go. Forgave it all. It was a special moment for me to experience. Very emotional, liberating and light.

I do not want her back now or ever. But I am at peace with what has happened and more especially with myself. "I am that which God intended. Precious and free"

[heartandwhole]

I was glowing and smiling and I let her go. Forgave it all. It was a special moment for me to experience. Very emotional, liberating and light.

Such a beautiful experience, Moselle. I'm happy for you.