Everything seems darker now...

[Cleanglass]

I just have this feeling lately that the world seems darker than it use to be. Like I've been living in a bubble and it's been popped.

The friends I thought were good friends now seem like hard work. People I barely know seem messed up and hateful. There are so many tools in the world

I feel like I can't trust people or can't trust my own opinions and views anymore.

I find it impossible to live a happy life if it means not communicating with people (survivle will be hard too what with the need for money and food).

I just find myself looking at people and thinking "well you've got BPD, and you're clearly a sociopath... .he was a narcissist too" etc. and I feel so judgemental doing it.

My question is, is everyone insane?

If not, how do I find the non-crazy people and be happy?

[once removed]

hi Cleanglass,

you have been through a traumatic experience. feelings are still very raw. in a way, the world does seem like a darker place - no doubt you never imagined the complexity of the experience you have been through. i dont know that anyone among us did. it certainly made me fearful and disdainful of others - i sincerely questioned whether my own perceptions and decisions making processes werent a detriment to myself. thats a scary place to be. youre in the good company of people that understand what you are going through.

good news: everyone is not insane . in fact, most people are not; far from it. on the other hand, you may be seeing that the world is complicated, and full of complex people. about 30% of people at a given time suffer from a form of mental illness (which may include anything from depression or anxiety to substance abuse). on top of that, everyone to some degree carries baggage, dysfunctional coping mechanisms, immaturity, etc.

its not necessarily the prettiest picture, but it hardly means that its impossible for you to live a happy life. in fact, you and you alone hold those keys.

it took me a few years past "getting over" the relationship to really see that and radically accept it. if the world has challenging people/personalities, and i was now aware of that, then it was up to me to adapt, or not; to self isolate and live in fear, or to trust with some inherent risk but incredible reward, while also maintaining my boundaries, recognizing that trust and intimacy develop slowly over time, and doing it all in a bit smarter, less reckless way than i had been.

to reiterate, i didnt come to that place over night. i had hurt to process, and so do you, and what you are experiencing is a natural result of that hurt you are processing.

more immediately: can you elaborate on the friends that you thought were good friends that now seem like hard work? do you have people close to you that love and support you?

[Clearmind]

My question is, is everyone insane?

If not, how do I find the non-crazy people and be happy?

Dating a borderline meant my own boundaries on how to protect myself were very loose. Our radar must have been awry if we chose to attach to a Borderline. So does it mean everyone is 'crazy'? No. But what it does mean is that we need to redefine us and who we are and what are boundaries are.

If we are equipped with good boundaries to protect ourselves we no longer feel like we need to have our shield up and fend off everyone - we know and trust that we will be ready to run when we feel those flags. We didn't run from our ex's we ran towards them.

Go back over your relationship and redefine it for yourself. If your ex was yell at you what boundary would you set for yourself to ensure you protect yourself? Running over instances in your mind or writing them out and then thinking about what boundary you need to protect yourself will be a great place to start to move forward

Life is being happy in your own skin.

[WendyDavid]

I feel that way too, Cleanglass.  I did one of those depressing things where I took inventory of past friends and lovers and concluded they were all crazy.  Even current friends... .but that is not fair.  Statistically, normal means majority.  So most people are not mentally ill. 

I was in a decades-long relationship with a pwBPD.  We shared friends and that means he brought "his kind" into our circle.  So I've been losing friends now that we are divorcing.  But I have a few that are "just mine" and I keep them that way. 

Today I just lost a friend.  I always knew she had emotional problems.  When she found out that my husband would be single soon, she tried to make a date with him for after our divorce.  Then the two of them spent a nice dinner together talking about how "mean" I am (their version of "mean" is expecting adult behaviors and not accepting excuses from magical thinking).  So I know... .I know... .she wasn't really a friend.

I'm so ready to join some social groups on my own without him.  I just want to talk to people without talking in circles... .relationships can wait.

[Cleanglass]

I think boundaries are a hard thing to clarify. On one hand I could walk away... .except he had a lock on his door which he used to lock me in so I couldn't walk away. By the time he thought he had me where he wanted me I swung for him. I'm not proud for hitting and believe me when I say that is not the sort of person I am. I shared a room with my brother through most of my life and we only had one physical fight in our entire teens!

We've had other fights where threatened to bottle me. So naturally I punched him in the face in a panic. I'm really questioning why I have a feeling like I would take him back - it's baffling.

Frankly my boundaries with him are to have a baseball bat next to my bed and see if he has something to say then but I don't feel that is what you meant.

It's sad learning who your friends are but fortunately my best friend is always loyal to me and as much they use to get on, my best friend ripped him a new one.

As for your friend who is being froze out. Leave her in the cold. She'll only drag you back in.

I feel like we only get frozen out when we're too strong for them and they know it. My ex's ex is a weak guy and thats why hes still around - became a thorn in my side. Now I know that he too has these problems! He's even got a tattoo of Atlas (greek god) on his leg, which I now assume is a reference to a book 'Atlas Shrugged' (he owned a copy of the book) which contains a lot about BPD and other mental disorders. All I can do is look at him and think '___. Any longer and that could've been me'.