Planning a Wedding

[FightingBack]

Hi all. This is my first post here so bear with me... .

I recently got engaged and my BPD/NPD mother has done everything in her power to make our lives a living hell. She purchased another "better" engagement ring, called venues we liked to find out pricing so she could tell us we're getting ripped off, told us no one will come to our wedding because of where/when we want it, insisted she be the last one to walk down the aisle, demanded we invite her 200 "closest" friends and refused to give us a penny towards them, called us names and even cut us out of her will when we politely declined her suggestions. Pretty standard BPD/NPD behavior, right?

We've done everything recommended to create healthy boundaries (which she of course tests and violates on a daily basis) and have even gone so far as to stop speaking to her all together.

My fiance and I are trying to decide if we should invite her to the wedding. If we invite her, she is guaranteed to create a scene, pick a fight, or say/do something to upset us (don't even get me started on what happened the week of my Bat Mitzvah... .I'm still traumatized from watching my dad be taken away in handcuffs after my mom framed him for domestic violence). But if we don't invite her, we're worried she'll do something even worse (she actually went so far as to attempt suicide during an uncle's wedding she wasn't invited to so that my dad would have to leave to care for her).

Does anyone out here have any insight?

[Notwendy]

I basically showed up at my mother's wedding to marry my husband. Yes, you read that right. She was the star of the show, in front of 200 of her friends and family ( and basically one relative on my father's side and a few of my own friends). It was a lovely event, but I had little to do with it. I was so enmeshed, I didn't think I had a choice.

Mom has done some pretty crazy antics at family events but not nearly at the magnitude yours has. Putting your father in handcuffs and threatening suicide are seriously disruptive. Mine has hijacked family events by wanting things her way and attention seeking, but we have managed to keep some sort of a cap on it.

I think the level of disruption is something to consider. Including a parent who is difficult is one thing, but the behavior of your mother is unacceptable in any setting .

Later, ( I am middle age) we have excluded her from family events where we want some peace, and she has raised a stink. Writing me out of the will, calling me names, yes, but not getting my father arrested or threatening suicide during the event. ( she has done this on other occasions)

I know everyone has their own limits/boundaries, but I would not invite someone who did that. Unfortunately, it might mean your father can not come as well.

That is sad, but my father was not able to have a separate relationship with me that did not include my mother. I would not have been able to exclude only her.

But you and your fiance are just starting out together, and the wedding is a beginning. There may be grandchildren ( their bar/bat mitzvahs) and other events to celebrate. Considering your mother's behavior, you might want to consider the wedding as start of enforcing boundaries on your new family- the one you and your fiance are starting)  celebrations.

[Littleicecream]

First off, this sucks.

Second, I am getting also married in 30 days-ish and i feel lik my mom like she is bubbling under the surface. Unfortunately, my dad and mom go together, even when logic exists. My mom and dad have been together for a while and have never been to an American wedding (we're eastern european). YET, they have a bajillion opinions on what I can and can't be doing.

Frankly, It's really stressful to be in our positions.  And yours sucks. You're stuck because your mom is making your wedding plannign difficult. My mom was not a part of my wedding planning and I told her little - partly her choice, but part to protect me. As for her being there at your wedding... .I guess  you could actually explicitely tell her what you expect of her behavior right now and just take it a day at a time. If she can't listen to your request even a little, then you know what to do.

As for whether you should invite her, it should depend on her behavior and on what you can tolerate. Do you think you can have someone be on mom watch duty? It's hard  because we want our parents to be somewhat normal, or be involved in our lives. At the same time, holy shieze, the drama llamas really come out to play.  It really depends on if you would be ready to NC it for a little if she freaks out at you if you don't invite her (because she will). You'd also have to accept that she may attempt something if she's not invited and that maybe do a wellcheck on her the day of or something (I feel like it's somewhat funny that we go to such lengths, but it's really sad at the same time). BPD really gives you a sick sense of humor sometims.

[Fie]

Hello Fightingback  

Congratulations on the upcoming wedding !  :-)
It's a wonderful thing you will be able to start your own new family. I wish you and your future husband all the best.

Excluding your mum from your wedding seems like a hars thing to do, but I personally would do exactly that. Your mum seems to cross a lot of boundaries, and it seems like there's a big chance she will spoil your day. Of course this option is stricly personal. Maybe a middle solution could be that  you ask a good friend, who knows about the situation, to keep an  eye on mum, during  the wedding. Talking to your mum beforehand, like Littleicecream suggested, is also possible, but personally I think this will either put oil on the fire, either she will tell you she'll behave, to make sure she's  invited, only to break her promise afterwards.

As for  the suicide threats ... .I know firsthand that those are terrible things to deal with. But please bear in mind that suicide is always a *personal* decision. You are not responsible for keeping anyone alive - even if BPD are very good at making us believe exactly that.

Keep us posted on what you decide, if you wish !
Fie