Summary of my BPD relationship written 4 months after final break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Over a period of 18 months, my relationship broke up many times. During the times of breakup, I spent many hours weeping. I felt extreme emptiness, tremendous isolation and terrible pain. My whole life became subsumed by yearning. I missed him so much. I was desperate to see him. I just wanted him back. I was depressed and despaired of ever being happy again. I felt that I had lost my reason to live.

After the third breakup, I began trying to educate myself about BPD in an attempt to make things work. I was very confused and I tried to figure out why my loved one was very loving one moment and verbally abusive the next. I tried to change how I interacted with him in order to make things better and blamed myself, directing most of my anger inwards, berating myself for my failure to make things work. 

As the number of breakups we went through increased, I became increasingly anxious when there was contact with my loved one. I had become terrified of the relationship breaking up again. I felt completely helpless, that I had no control over the outcome of my relationship despite loving him so much. 

Eventually, I gained some clarity. I realised that a final breakup was inevitable. I fought that realisation for a long time but when I finally accepted that my loved one was seriously mentally ill, that his behaviour was abusive at times and that the relationship would never work, I began to gain a sense of peace with the outcome.

Love to All
Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Over a period of 18 months, my relationship broke up many times. During the times of breakup, I spent many hours weeping. I felt extreme emptiness, tremendous isolation and terrible pain. My whole life became subsumed by yearning. I missed him so much. I was desperate to see him. I just wanted him back. I was depressed and despaired of ever being happy again. I felt that I had lost my reason to live.

After the third breakup, I began trying to educate myself about BPD in an attempt to make things work. I was very confused and I tried to figure out why my loved one was very loving one moment and verbally abusive the next. I tried to change how I interacted with him in order to make things better and blamed myself, directing most of my anger inwards, berating myself for my failure to make things work. 

As the number of breakups we went through increased, I became increasingly anxious when there was contact with my loved one. I had become terrified of the relationship breaking up again. I felt completely helpless, that I had no control over the outcome of my relationship despite loving him so much. 

Eventually, I gained some clarity. I realised that a final breakup was inevitable. I fought that realisation for a long time but when I finally accepted that my loved one was seriously mentally ill, that his behaviour was abusive at times and that the relationship would never work, I began to gain a sense of peace with the outcome.

Love to All
Lifewriter x

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

You have described my entire relationship with my ex Lifewriter. I have never cried for a woman like I did for her. I am not ashamed to say it because it is the total truth. When I was with her I was happy I had a companion but I felt lonely at the same time. There was no love from her. It was only physically but no emotionally.

Her and I broke up approximately every 4 months or so. I almost got used to it. I knew that when she was away she was sleeping with other guys and having fun like nothing had happened between us. I almost wish I had that skill so I did not suffer lonely at night when she came home really late at night. Like you mentioned I always tried not to do things to make her mad. She criticized anything and everything I did. She criticized how I drank water, how I ate, how I slept and so on.

At the end I resigned myself that no matter what I did this was not going to work. Slowly I started to care less and eventually I told her to leave the condo we shared. I've had enough.

[Lifewriter16]

Being in a BPD relationship is tough. Being out of it is tough too. How's it going now you've decided to end it?

LW

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

It's been year this moth. I still think about her but not as often. I really miss her but I know it's best if we are not together. I keep hearing from people that know. Her that she is back at drinking a lot and sleeping around. In the long run I know I made the right decision . Stay strong Lifewriter in the end it's best to stay away. Good luck .

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you, Notsurewhattothinkofthis.The head knows it's best to stay away, but the heart still fights it sometimes. Thankfully, less than it used to. I think I have started to develop what they call 'wisemind'. LW x

[Larmoyant]

Eventually, I gained some clarity. I realised that a final breakup was inevitable. I fought that realisation for a long time but when I finally accepted that my loved one was seriously mentally ill, that his behaviour was abusive at times and that the relationship would never work, I began to gain a sense of peace with the outcome.

I can relate to most of this, only no real sense of peace yet. That will come I expect if/when my life starts taking shape again. Happy for you Lifewriter 

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you, Larmoyant. Joining that support group for women who have been subjected to domestic violence was the best thing I could possibly have done, even though I didn't feel my circumstances warranted doing that. I still feel that my situation wasn't 'real' domestic violence and that other women have faced things that were far worse than the ones I faced. However, I could easily have been in their situation had I not chosen to walk away from my BPDxbf. The group has opened up other avenues that I had not expected and now I have women around me who understand and care about me, hug me and encourage me. I'd like to encourage you to see if there are services that you could access locally. It's reduced my isolation and given me some enthusiasm for life. I have even started drafting the novel I have been itching to write for well over a decade.

Love Lifewriter x