Our son is feeling suicidal over divorce from BPD wife

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My son is in the process of a very messy and painful divorce from a woman who is a classic BPD.  They have been married 10 years, and this is the third time that she has left and started divorce proceedings.  They have two little girls, 8 and 20 months.  The last time she came back, she convinced him to conceive the second child.  She left when the baby was 15 months old.  She immediately became seriously involved with another man that she met through a dating service.  She has also had several affairs in the past.  My son is not handling this well, and remains enmeshed with her through messaging and face to face contact.  His business is failing as he tries to do 50/50 child custody with her.  She is angry that he has not met all of her financial demands, and now she is seeking to paint him as an unfit father.  She just had her attorney seek a restraining order against him, and he feels totally defeated and actually suicidal.  His dad and I have retained a good attorney for him, but he has not followed his advice about "no contact".  We live 5 hours away, and don't know what else to do.

[cherisw]

My son is in the process of a very messy and painful divorce from a woman who is a classic BPD.  They have been married 10 years, and this is the third time that she has left and started divorce proceedings.  They have two little girls, 8 and 20 months.  The last time she came back, she convinced him to conceive the second child.  She left when the baby was 15 months old.  She immediately became seriously involved with another man that she met through a dating service.  She has also had several affairs in the past.  My son is not handling this well, and remains enmeshed with her through messaging and face to face contact.  His business is failing as he tries to do 50/50 child custody with her.  She is angry that he has not met all of her financial demands, and now she is seeking to paint him as an unfit father.  She just had her attorney seek a restraining order against him, and he feels totally defeated and actually suicidal.  His dad and I have retained a good attorney for him, but he has not followed his advice about "no contact".  We live 5 hours away, and don't know what else to do.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome cherisw:

I'm so sorry your son is having a hard time.  Is he getting any therapy?  If he isn't, you might want to suggest it. Suicidal talk needs to be taken seriously.  It can help to have a professional person to talk to and help guide him through this tough time.

Perhaps you could suggest that your son come here and post.  It is a safe place for him to discuss his feelings and issues with others who are going through similar situations.

The links below can help with suicide prevention. 

SUICIDE AND CRISIS SUPPORT
       https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

TEXT CRISIS LINE
www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLERANCE
   www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

[cherisw]

Thanks for your response.  Yes, we have tried and tried to get him to seek therapy.  He insists it won't help.  He uses me as his therapist, but I tell him he needs to talk to someone trained and objective.  Actually, I am a former psych social worker, and he possibly feels he has "heard it all before".  He is looking for quick answers, and I can't get him to understand the the process of healing and growth that can occur in a good therapy relationship.

I will try to get him involved here.  Right now, I am here for myself.  Maybe I can learn more and know how to help him through this.

[Mutt]

Hi cherisw,



I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to join Naughty Nibbler and welcome you. I went through a divorce with a woman that displays traits of BPD. If I'm hearing this right, it sounds like he doesn't have a court order? It was neat impossible to have shared custody with my ex because if she had plans with her boyfriend she'd drop everything to go and meet him and that means either not picking up the kids or trying to give them to my while I had to work. It was the money that I earned that was supporting her and she she didn't care how my job might be affected. That nonsense stopped when I got a court order with everything written in black and white with no ambiguity with switch in / switch off days. If there's ambiguity in the writing that gives an opportunity for someone with a high conflict personality ( HCP ) for conflict and you don't want to give them that.

It helps to talk to people that have gone through the experience. For example you can sympathize with someone that has gone through a divorce it's difficult to empathize if you haven't through a painful divorce. It's hard to help someone when they don't want to help themselves. That said, working with a T concurrently with a support group will help him tremendously but I'm preaching to choir here.

You could give him Bill Eddy's book if you haven't already.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

bpdfamily.com About Personality Disorders and the Family Courts