Some closure would have been nice...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It has been a tough couple of weeks and this is the string of events. About 3 weeks ago, I finished my PhD on a Wednesday. Packed up our belongings on Thursday and Friday. Moved on Saturday and got to our destination on Sunday morning. Unpacked all of our stuff throughout the night until Monday morning dropped off a rental truck and started a new job that day. Tuesday morning I got a call from my-now ex-fiance- that she was leaving me because she had feelings for someone else. She then immediately felt the need to call and text me that she was with the new guy and that she was having the time of her life. I never saw this coming and do not understand why she would want to hurt me more after she already had left me alone in a new place. She admitted that she knew that she was hurting me which I do not understand. I always knew that she was struggling with some mental health problems but I still do not understand why there was never any closure. I was hoping that she could at least say why she was leaving me.

I feel very defeated right now since I am left in a lease and she left all of her belongings here. Now she wants me to not only throw them out but to destroy them first. I can't do that since they could at least go to a good home and to someone who needs them. I just don't know what to do with moving on right now. 

[sheppie41]

It has been a tough couple of weeks and this is the string of events. About 3 weeks ago, I finished my PhD on a Wednesday. Packed up our belongings on Thursday and Friday. Moved on Saturday and got to our destination on Sunday morning. Unpacked all of our stuff throughout the night until Monday morning dropped off a rental truck and started a new job that day. Tuesday morning I got a call from my-now ex-fiance- that she was leaving me because she had feelings for someone else. She then immediately felt the need to call and text me that she was with the new guy and that she was having the time of her life. I never saw this coming and do not understand why she would want to hurt me more after she already had left me alone in a new place. She admitted that she knew that she was hurting me which I do not understand. I always knew that she was struggling with some mental health problems but I still do not understand why there was never any closure. I was hoping that she could at least say why she was leaving me.

I feel very defeated right now since I am left in a lease and she left all of her belongings here. Now she wants me to not only throw them out but to destroy them first. I can't do that since they could at least go to a good home and to someone who needs them. I just don't know what to do with moving on right now. 

[Lonely_Astro]

Hi 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. The end of any r/s is difficult, these are even tougher because we are often blindsided. First, congrats on the PhD!  I understand that may seem trivial right now, but that's a major accomplishment!

So you say your ex has struggled with some mental issues.  What sort of issues have you experienced?  Has she been diagnosed BPD?  I ask that because it could help explain some of her behavior. BPD is a spectrum disorder and also each person is an individual, so there's no 'set' pattern of behavior... .though similarities are common. It's easy for a person afflicted with BPD to "move on" quickly because they form an 'instant' bond with someone new... .even though that bond is t really a bond. Bpd's lack a steady sense of self, so they attach to someone to form an identity.

I have likened their lives to seesaws. On one end is Fear of Abandonment, on the other Fear of Engulfment. When we start a new r/s, we are the seesaw and they are in the middle of that seesaw.  Now this is normal, we all balance on a seesaw. Where we 'nons' differ is as the seesaw begins to tilt one way, we take a couple of steps back and balance the seesaw. Bpd's don't do this. They plunge head first toward one end, then spin around, go the other way to the other end, and repeat that until the seesaw is out of control. Typically what happens is the pwBPD 'straddles' a new seesaw (new r/s) to balance the old seesaw (old r/s). They do that for awhile and it balances the seesaw. But what happens is since they have no sense of self, they can't 'trust' the old seesaw anymore (they can't trust their feelings) and see that the new seesaw is nice and stable. It's perfect. The old seesaw got out of control, therefore it must be 'bad'. So, they'll usually jump from the old seesaw to a new one and the process starts all over again. It's a never ending cycle that they have little control over.

What that wall of text was meant to illustrate is that this has nothing to do with you not having been good enough. This was something that happened long before you and will continue after you. Trust me, I've been through it twice with my ex. As if that wasn't enough, she is attempting a 3rd go around with me, even though we are both in other r/s.

How're you holding up?

[sheppie41]

First of all. Thank you for your response! Yes, she was diagnosed with BPD but once told me that she went to multiple psychiatrists to get that "removed from her record." I don't even know what that means.

That is a good analogy and that is how I am trying to think about it too.

It is still difficult to cope right now. I have always maintained a friendship with my ex-girlfriends but she made it clear that it was not going to happen. In fact, we only spoke once after we broke up and she wanted to hand the phone off to her new boyfriend to let him talk to me. It was really strange since I didn't think that she was capable of doing such hurtful things. My parents and friends have told me that it is better now than two years down the road when there would most likely be kids involved. That is still a tough pill to swallow since I really still just want the best for her and all the people I love, that used to surround her.

It is upsetting, since most of her family has abandoned her since they do not get it either. That was really difficult for me to hear since I know how important family is. I have not involved them but they have been reaching out to me and expressing their love. It kind of makes it harder since they always thanked me for taking care of her. I never "took care of her." I simply loved her and treated her like any human would and should.

I knew that things would get rocky here and there. The only reason I knew about her diagnosis was because I brought it up one evening when she threatened to hurt herself and told me about past relationships. I still have a pit in my stomach about that since she told me what she does after breakups and that usually includes a visit to the hospital. I wish that I could be a little more selfish now and celebrate my recent degree but all I can think about is her health and hope she is ok.

[heartandwhole]

Hi sheppie41



I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup. That kind of sudden turnaround is so painful and it's heartbreaking to lose someone we love so suddenly and without warning. I experienced behavior like that during my relationship, and it floored me. I'm so glad that you decided to post, because you've found a great place for support. The site has tons of tools and resources that can help you through this huge change. Things do get better—they have for me, and they will for you, too. 

Congratulations on finishing your PhD. That is a wonderful accomplishment, and I understand how difficult it is right now to celebrate properly and enjoy feelings of success. I hope you will be able to in the near future. It's understandable that you are worried about your girlfriend's wellbeing; I'd feel the same. But right now, I think it's best if you focus on yourself and your new life as much as possible.

Moving home and starting a new job are exciting events, but they are also major life stressors added onto losing a significant relationship. That is quite a lot to deal with at once. Are you able to eat and sleep well these days? Your girlfriend has the support of her new love interest, so she is not alone. Do you have supportive friends whom you can lean on right now (even from a distance)? It's so important to have support right now.

Keep posting sheppie41, it really helps to get your story out. There will be ups and downs in the coming days—we're here anytime to listen and support. One of the articles that really helped me understand what I was dealing with after my breakup is here:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you have a chance to read it, let us know what you think.

heartandwhole

[mitatsu]

she left all of her belongings here. Now she wants me to not only throw them out but to destroy them first.

i would be very cautious of this as she may turn that against you... .may i suggest boxing up what you can for now or at least taking proof of her wishes to police etc

Be strong it does get better my friend

[Lonely_Astro]

First of all. Thank you for your response! Yes, she was diagnosed with BPD but once told me that she went to multiple psychiatrists to get that "removed from her record." I don't even know what that means.

It isn't uncommon for them to downplay/dismiss the disorder.  My ex will only admit she has it to a few people and she absolutely hated me mentioning it (even though she would talk about her 'struggle' and would ask me questions related to my perspective on dealing with it) - it was taboo for me to openly talk about it because it made her feel inferior.  So, it comes as no surprise to me that your ex played it down as well. 

My ex also lied about DBT (we had a round, broke it off, she seemed better years later, we reconnected and she had told me she had been in DBT for those years, which turned out to be a lie).  At the end of our second fo around, she claimed to have started DBT (for real this time).  We have been over roughly a year now and she's trying to reconnect with me again. I pointly asked her about DBT and she told me "it's going well. I'm much better now and I only have to go once every 3 months". So, she's lying again. I know of no DBT program that last under a year and says the client needs to come in ONCE every THREE months.  I know of no professional who would say someone with a serious mental disorder would benefit from quarterly sessions in general, either.  Since I work with her, I have to navigate tough waters to avoid any work ramifications, so I chose not to make that stand and call her out on it.

Sorry, got on a bit of a tangent there.

As far as her stuff is concerned, I would simply box them up and put them away. I can guarantee she'll come around at some point asking about it. Often times, they will leave something as an excuse to come back around... .months or years later.  While women ever come back, that seems to be the rarity. Most come back around at some point. Plus, as it was mentioned, if she were to claim you vandalized her property, I'd rather have proof she said get rid of it and still have it to give back. That's a whole topic in itself.

[sheppie41]

Thank you again for the kind words and encouragement. Each day will get better. I really just wish that she could take a moment out of her day to take care of all of the stuff that we need to take care of. We both need to sign tons of different forms and take care of other utility things at the apartment. Strangely, she sent and email saying that she would pay rent for the next year to "live out her sentence" for leaving me. I don't want those checks at all. I don't want to have any ties to her. Ugh... this is such a mess.

I always thought of myself as a strong person but I feel really weak right now and that is why I am reaching out. I admit that it is difficult for me to reach out and ask for support. I lost that ability over the 3 few years ago and I realize that now. You are all right that it is time to focus on myself.

I thought about just putting her stuff in storage and mailing her a key but I don't want to remove her items from the apartment since I really worry that she will make something of that at this point.

[Fr4nz]

Hey sheppie,

I really feel for you, and I was in a VERY similar situation... .the break-up was 1,5 months before my PhD defense -- more precisely, it happened on the 2014 New Year's eve! So, you can imagine how I felt... .-- and the horrible aftermath went on from the breakup until 2 weeks after the defense. After that, an inevitable, mutual NC was established.

After the breakup, she immediately started to see and have sex with some men (note: during this period, she was keeping ties with me, kissing included... .luckily, we didn't have sex!), while after 1 month I was finally replaced in a very horrible way -- see my past posts if you're interested about the whole story.

At that time, I was a shell of a human: very depressed, my self-confidence was below zero, I was hoping to get her back, etc. etc. However, with time, it will pass: if you need, get psychological support, find stuff to do, stay with friends... .over time, these things will greatly help. Also, force yourself to do these things, if needed!

If I look back, I'm really amazed about how I was resilient and able to do get my PhD, nonetheless of the horrible circumstances that happened to me.

Unfortunately, with BPD sufferers is very common to not get a closure... .indeed, that is something that, in the end, will come from yourself, thanks to the knowledge you'll gain (also) from this website.

Hold on... .and a big hug! We're here for you!

[sheppie41]

Wow Fr4nz! That is very impressive and congrats on finishing. It hasn't set in yet that I am done with all of that. Looking back I should have seen what I was doing to myself during the preparation for my defense. I didn't start working until she went to bed at 10pm and worked until 5am every night for about 6 months straight.  I did this since she wanted to spend time with me while she was awake and she got upset with me if I didn't. I am shocked that I finished and I know my adviser was when I talked to him after I moved and this happened. The sleep part is really tough now, partly because of the breakup and partly because my body is not used to getting rest anymore.

My first instinct is to run off and find someone else to replace this giant space in my chest but it is not fair to anyone to do that. I have been through break-ups in the past but this stings a lot more because I don't know why it happened and cannot understand how someone could be so cruel to rub it in and make it even worse than it has to be. I should be angry but I don't know what that feels like since I can't remember a time when I truly felt that emotion.

And yeah, I have thought about going to a therapist since there are so many other stresses with the new job, recent graduate, new home, no new friends here yet. I am put together a list of things that I had to give up through graduate school and this relationship that I miss. It is taking some effort now to do them. 

[petedrexler]

Sheppie

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. And the others are right: this board is a place of acceptance, understanding and support. And congrats on your PhD! It is a major accomplishment without a BPDex. Freaking astonishing with such a person in your life.

I could really relate to the way you had to work on your diss--I had a book come out last year and I had to do similar kinds of gymnastics to get work done on it! I felt like I was operating at 25% capacity.

In any case, that big hole in your chest gets smaller but it does take time. My BPD break up from a 10 month relationship was worse than my divorce from a 15-year marriage. Yikes!

Stay strong, man.

Pete