Will she ever leave my thoughts?

[molitor]

I have not really shared on here as of late, but still read other's posts semi frequently as therapy; it is nice knowing others have experienced what I have... .sadly. This truly is a great community, and Im not sure I would have made it, quite honestly, without the support and comradery I have received here.
    All that being said, its been 16 months since the abrupt, proverbial pedestal kicking. I have never heard from her since... .my logical mind knows its for the best, but damn do I miss her. She was my best friend, that we openly talked of growing old together. To be replaced immediately, and to never look back or reach out... .is as you all know, painful beyond words.
     I think of her all day, everyday still. Does it end? Unless I am consumed in work, she is in my thoughts. I saw a therapist in the initial stages of recovery, read voraciously on BPD, and feel I understand it clearly; more so than her even. I just cant seem to forget all the good, no great moments... .the connection I felt. It seems so irreplaceable. Paired with that, she was the waif variety, so she never lashed out. Hard to accept its gone.
    I seriously question if Ill ever be normal again, or go a day, a single damn day without her in my head.
                                   Thanks for reading... .feels good to vent.

[joeramabeme]

I seriously question if Ill ever be normal again, or go a day, a single damn day without her in my head.

Think we can all relate to this one.  And yes, you will get to the point without her in your head.  There is simply a level of surrealism about it all that feels like movie / fantasy / dream all rolled into a reality show where you were the only one who was unaware of what was really going on - and your pwBPD unaware as well! 

Those thoughts do pass, over time.  It just takes a lot of accepting and posting here and therapy - as you have been doing.  Also, once you start to introduce new hobbies, friends and more - the feelings begin to minimize.

Hang in there

[Mutt]

Hi molitor,

I'm happy to gear that you're finding that the community is a great benefit for you. I feel the same way, I don't know where I would be today without bpdfamily and it's members.

I saw a therapist in the initial stages of recovery, read voraciously on BPD, and feel I understand it clearly; more so than her even. I just cant seem to forget all the good, no great moments... .the connection I felt.

I'd like to echo joeramabeme, it does get better. That has to be really difficult to cope with everyday molitor and I'm glad that you decided to ask. What happened with therapy?

My advice would be that to decide to ket your ex go and not think that there will be a chance of getting back together again because it will help speed up your recovery.

I'm guilty as well with remembering all of the good times and nit thinking about the bad times and it's nit realistic. It helps to.step back and look at the bigger picture by looking at the r/s from start to finish. It helps to let go of wanting our exe partners return to a permanent state were they idealized us.

I didn't know that my ex had BPD traits for the entire 7 1/2 years with her and the r/s kept getting worse and worse through the years until I was split black but I kept hoping and wishing that the person that I had net at the onset of the r/s would return. What I didn't realize was that I was wishing that she would idealize me again which isn't healthy and exploring that in therapy will help.

[molitor]

I appreciate the replies, truly. Sometimes thats whats needed, to hear others have "made it", or further along at least. "Time heals all" is what I cling on to...
Mutt: I quit seeing the therapist as I felt more educated on the matter than her. I did feel good leaving there though, perhaps Ill revisit.  I dont think I want her back, so much as wishing she would reach out. Im not sure why... .maybe to know it meant something, that she misses me also. Silly, but it all seems so surreal, as joeramabeme said.

[rfriesen]

Hi molitor,
Your post struck a chord with me, as I'm six months out from the final break-up with my ex and though I'm doing so much better than a few months ago, or even a few weeks ago, I still do think of my ex almost continuously. I miss the good times, still hurt from the bad, and am still working to bring it all into a complete picture.

That said, the thoughts are not nearly as painful anymore. And I find my mind tends to wander much more broadly -- while I used to focus in such detail on moments we had shared or conversations we'd had, or wild times (both good and bad), now I'll find myself thinking of her, but then drifting into thoughts of relationships in general, or sort of taking stock of changes in my own personality and behaviour over the years, etc. Have you noticed any kinds of shift in the way you think about your ex over the 16 months?

I dont think I want her back, so much as wishing she would reach out. Im not sure why... .maybe to know it meant something, that she misses me also.

It sounds like you long for closure, as so many of us do. I can absolutely relate to that feeling. I still hear from my ex occasionally, and I always have the feeling that there's so much left unsaid. Though I have no interest in getting back with her romantically, it really hurts that she responded with rage or lies/manipulation all the times I tried to leave things on friendly terms or to have a genuine conversation about what the relationship meant to each of us.

It's hard to let go of that possibility of closure, because I felt so validated by the way she responded to me, the way she seemed to love everything about me. I think that at the end of most relationships, we might feel like neither partner quite lived up to the highest hopes of the other, but I've always left remembering the good in the person I was with and feeling like the other person remembered the good things she loved in me. In this last relationship, the validation was so intense and felt amazing, but on the way out my ex seemed to want to deny any of it was ever real, and leave me with the bitterest feelings.

That hurts a lot, and we're left alone trying to validate the good in ourselves and accept what we didn't do so well, and to process it all in some kind of balanced way in the aftermath of an often brutal devaluation.

That kind of balance and processing of positive and negative emotions is something a pwBPD will flee from. It's typically just too painful for them. Assuming your ex will not reach out and provide you with closure, do you feel you can recognise both the good and the bad of what the relationship was, and accept that you'll have to turn the page without having the chance to share any of that recognition with her (which sharing is what we normally get as part of closure in most relationships)?

[amunt]

Best way to forget her is to start dating other girls, improve yourself.
Buy new clothes, work on your appearence and your social cyrcle .
Built your confidence and imagine the next girl, forget the sociopath because
even if she return you will break up again and again and again and your
life will be hell.

You will find a way better girl, work on that

[rfriesen]

Best way to forget her is to start dating other girls

One question to ask yourself with this approach: if you simply forget and bury the experience by dating other girls, how will you avoid repeating the same outcome?

When we're in a lot of pain at the end of these relationships, one of our natural instincts is to pin the blame on our ex and try to move on. But anytime a relationship reaches the point where we're affected this deeply, then you can be sure we played our part in making that happen. If you simply "forget" the experience, you're very likely to play the same part again.

Can you tell us more about why you feel the need to start dating again immediately?

[amunt]

Best way to forget her is to start dating other girls

One question to ask yourself with this approach: if you simply forget and bury the experience by dating other girls, how will you avoid repeating the same outcome?

When we're in a lot of pain at the end of these relationships, one of our natural instincts is to pin the blame on our ex and try to move on. But anytime a relationship reaches the point where we're affected this deeply, then you can be sure we played our part in making that happen. If you simply "forget" the experience, you're very likely to play the same part again.

Can you tell us more about why you feel the need to start dating again immediately?

I am against a relationship soon after the break up , i mean one night stands here or nothing serious.
To have sex with girls will make you forget sooner and to find that there nice girls out there better than your ex

[molitor]

 Have you noticed any kinds of shift in the way you think about your ex over the 16 months?

RFRIESEN-    Thanks for the reply. Again, striking how we all share such similar stories. I have shifted in the same manner; less detailed ruminations for the most part. I also am starting to see the reality of the disorder more and more and accept that Im missing the dream of it all more so. Such a slow road, however.

[molitor]

rfriesen-
     I am not good at quoting and replying apparently haha   Yes, I felt extremely validated by how she looked at me and "loved me for me" as I always told her. Its so incredibly hard to accept someone I loved so deeply just did a 180... I read and understand the why... but just so surreal.
   Let me ask you this... .where now? On the surface I feel confident, but I know I have always sought acceptance, and must have attached to her for a reason. More therapy where I seem to know more than them?   Thanks for the convo, bud

[valet]

I didn't know that my ex had BPD traits for the entire 7 1/2 years with her and the r/s kept getting worse and worse through the years until I was split black but I kept hoping and wishing that the person that I had net at the onset of the r/s would return. What I didn't realize was that I was wishing that she would idealize me again which isn't healthy and exploring that in therapy will help.

This pretty much sums it up. It's why these breakups are so hard to accept.

Although learning about the disorder can be a relief and a little light in the darkness, the true battle will always be the letting go.  You have to willfully do it. Life can be happy even with great pain. It's hard to believe sometimes, but it's true. We don't have to let our past chase us around for the rest of our lives.

To ground this a little though: there are steps you can take. Therapy helps, as does posting in a support community like this. There is more work to do, however. You have to believe in yourself. Not just at work—that can be an easy escape routine. And the only thing that I've found that really helps is putting myself in situations where I could fail. Trying new things. How have you done in that realm, molitor?

[rfriesen]

Although learning about the disorder can be a relief and a little light in the darkness, the true battle will always be the letting go.  You have to willfully do it. Life can be happy even with great pain. It's hard to believe sometimes, but it's true. We don't have to let our past chase us around for the rest of our lives.
... .
 the only thing that I've found that really helps is putting myself in situations where I could fail. Trying new things. How have you done in that realm, molitor?

Molitor, I find this advice from valet so spot on, I'm just going to reiterate it as my own answer to you. A few months into the post-breakup phase, it finally started sinking in for me that I don't have to wait to feel good to start feeling invested in things again -- in work, in relationships, in joining social events I might have passed on before, in trying things that make me uncomfortable.

Before the relationship with my ex, I think I had always been a pretty emotionally stable and happy person, in terms of my day-to-day feelings. And I thought that I was productive at work, in studies, etc because I mostly felt pretty happy. So it really threw me off-stride to lose that sense of emotional well-being. But it was empowering to learn that momentary feelings and emotions don't dictate how I live my life, that I could get on with things even if I was in emotional pain. One positive of this whole experience is definitely that I have much less anxiety about feeling uncomfortable emotions.

It's been a shift in focus that's not always easy to adopt, but with practice it comes. Sure, I still often think of my ex and how brutal the ending was and it hurts. But ok, I feel that way. If it gets bad, I try to just observe the feeling - size, shape, colour, anything to objectify it a little. Then eventually it passes, or at least fades and I get on with my life. In the meantime I do all the little mundane things that don't always bring immediate happiness, but make a difference over time -- eating well, sleeping well, exercise, meditation, being kind to others, to myself.

For months I felt my mind groping around for some kind of key insight, secret wisdom, whatever, that would be my ticket back to happiness. I think that, in reality, the key is much less exciting than that, much more mundane --- just working at healthy daily habits and patterns of thought small step by small step, and having an overall vision of where you'd like to end up. One problem in the relationship with my ex -- something that sounds typical of many BPD relationships -- is how my ex and I would try to squeeze all the happiness we could ever have into those intense moments of passion and fireworks. It made for some incredible highs, but it was all too combustible and unstable.

I don't regret it, even with all the pain it caused in the end. But a lot of that relationship seems childish and short-sighted to me now. Moving forward, I'd rather learn to stop chasing intense highs in order to build slow and steady to a stable happiness.
Time is on our side; let's use it.

[molitor]

I cant thank you enough for the kind words, and well... .guidance honestly, rfriesen / Valet. So much of what you say rings true, and I will certainly be posting more in this forum. It is nice to relate with others and hear of stories from those further along in the journey that is healing. Thanks again

[Hopefulgirl]

I know how it is.  It is such a deeply anquishing thing to feel loved and appreciated and then to feel like, in my case, if I died tomorrow they wouldn't come to my funeral. I think about my expwBPD every day, several times a day.I put on a happy face to family and friends and so often I will read something or go somewhere and I want to tell him about it or share it with him.
My mind always defaults to the good times, but constantly question the sincerity of his affections over and over.

I wish I could go to a hypnotherapist and have him erased out of my mind at this point.

[valet]

Before the relationship with my ex, I think I had always been a pretty emotionally stable and happy person, in terms of my day-to-day feelings. And I thought that I was productive at work, in studies, etc because I mostly felt pretty happy. So it really threw me off-stride to lose that sense of emotional well-being. But it was empowering to learn that momentary feelings and emotions don't dictate how I live my life, that I could get on with things even if I was in emotional pain. One positive of this whole experience is definitely that I have much less anxiety about feeling uncomfortable emotions.

This one is the money maker.

Usually, we are the ones that hold ourselves back. The reasons may be complicated, and it is definitely a detailed process of figuring a bunch of the moving pieces out, but once we learn to settle into an idea of happiness as a doing life can be pretty rewarding.

Hell, I'm not all the way there either. I make mistakes. I'm lazy sometimes. But that's all part of learning about myself and figuring out what works.

Live life optimistically. Not in the sense that everything must be perfect, just that we can play the hand we're dealt as best as possible. And sometimes we get hit with a lucky card.  

[molitor]

I know how it is.  It is such a deeply anquishing thing to feel loved and appreciated and then to feel like, in my case, if I died tomorrow they wouldn't come to my funeral. I think about my expwBPD every day, several times a day.I put on a happy face to family and friends and so often I will read something or go somewhere and I want to tell him about it or share it with him.
My mind always defaults to the good times, but constantly question the sincerity of his affections over and over.

I wish I could go to a hypnotherapist and have him erased out of my mind at this point.

   
THIS.  I swear I could have written this. I feel like I have this secret from the world now... .that Im damaged as I walk around with a smile. Any / Everything reminds me of her... .sucks, bad

[Cleanglass]

I actually agree. Go meet new people. Even if they're friends. Don't start a rebound relationship! But go kiss someone in a bar or a club. Importantly get the first one out of the way - you'll feel guilt on the first one but push forward and it'll get fun again. Also concentrate on yourself more - you've finally got a chance to do something amazing without the weight around your neck.