Why do I feel like this?

[SoMadSoSad]

I started using the dating app OkCupid. Met a wonderful girl on there and we hit it off via messaging on the app. She decided to keep the convo going in another messaging app so she didn't have to keep going back to the dating app to read what i wrote. We talked for a day or two and I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out. Bad timing I think. She responded saying she was starting school the next week so she had a lot of stuff to do. I responded with an ok and i understand. We continue talking for a week or two and she finally brings up going on a date again. She asks me this time. By this time I feel an amazing connection to this girl. Her personality really intrigues me and as an introvert that is a big deal for me. Not only is she beautiful but her personality... .man i dont know theres just something about how laid back and interesting she is. I have never found a girl that can make me laugh and keep me interested like she has. I have never wanted a girl just as a friend before her but her i didnt even mind if we were just friends. So when she asked me out I was very excited, started naming showtimes of movies because that is what we agreed on. A few messages later she texts me saying that something came up and she might not be able to make it. I respond saying ok well weekends are better for me anyway. She says ok but never sets a reschedule date. A day goes by with no response from her then she texts me saying sorry she was busy with friends. We continue to talk but i can sense the convos fading and she starts taking a day to respond sometimes. I ask for date again and she says shes been busy. I ask when she will be available and she says shes been going on dates so she will let me know when she has time. Obviously this is a 180 of the interest that she was showing thus far. I say ok. Now we havent spoken in days and i feel really down. I think i fell in love with her personality without actually meeting her. This is very different for me and I dont think Ive ever really felt this way about someones personality. Why am i this down about someone ive never met.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 Hey SoMadSoSad:

Sorry for your experience.  It can be a better strategy to not carry on a lengthy interaction before meeting someone.  Best to meet face-to-face as soon as possible and to make it a short encounter for something like coffee/tea and set it for a designated time span, i.e. one hour.  You can always suggest staying longer if things work out.  If you decide you aren't interested, then you keep the meeting at one hour.

It can, also, be strategic to have a phone conversation before meeting (and not just messaging).  Got to take precautions to mind your heart and not get taken advantage of by a Catfisher or someone who is not genuine.  I think it can be a game for some people to string others along, when for various reasons they have no intention of hooking up.  (other than having a messaging pal)

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree with NN, most of the actual communication is lost in writing, it's better on the phone, but nothing beats face to face: you get body language, tone of voice, and the words, as well as the opportunity to have a real-time give and take conversation, where with messaging, out of all of that, you only get the words.

But bigger than that, and using this experience to grow, have you wondered why you allowed yourself to get as emotionally involved as you did?  There's no way you were becoming attracted to the real her, you never met or even talked to her, so you took snippets from messaging and ran with it.  That's very familiar for me, after the idealization phase my ex and I did most of our communicating by text, at her insistence, and it wasn't until I got here that I learned an iPhone makes a great attachment machine for a borderline, since multiple attachments can be maintained easily from one place, and there's that emotional disconnect, so the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment are easier to keep sub-triggering.  And of course I ran with it too; in the face of a lack of information I filled in the blanks, until there was this amazing relationship between my ears, that fantasy, that had little to do with the actual relationship.  And the good thing about feeling the resulting pain is that it serves as a healthy wake-up call, never again, I meet women, and people in general, face to face and watch how far I go with online or written stuff, even the phone.  Online dating is a little trickier and I'm not really a fan, but best to graduate to the phone at least as quickly as possible, and then meet at Starbucks or whatever as soon as possible after that; dinner and a movie does not make a good first date, especially with someone you've never met. 

So anyway, any thoughts on why you went so far SMSS?  :)id you do any of that in your borderline relationship?

[SoMadSoSad]

Well with my borderline ex we met at work so we would hang out after work and there was little text chat. I think the reason I developed feelings for this girl is because of her laid back playful personality. My first love had a personality like this and it works so well with my personality. I have trouble making connections with people in my life and with her I felt a deep connection because of her personality.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have trouble making connections with people in my life and with her I felt a deep connection because of her personality.

That is a connection really, a connection of two personalities yes?  I'm sorry you're going through that SMSS, I've always found it difficult to make deep connections too, and while the internet makes some things easier, true human connection isn't one of them, that has to be in person.  And here's an opportunity: you mention that this gal had a personality, at least in writing, that was similar to you first love, and that seems to be an anchor for you, something you gravitate towards, so how do you spot that personality and what are its traits?  When I was younger I thought everyone was the same, and while that's true on a basic human level, personalities obviously differ a great deal, and that's been a focus of mine lately; who am I compatible with, who aren't I, who do I let in and what do they have to do to show me they're worthy of being let in?  And the other piece is to meet as many people as possible, set ourselves a weekly quota, and lately I've been realizing that although I can chat or get along with most people there's only a small percentage that I actually connect with on some kind of level, and that's OK, we only need a handful of people we're really close to anyway.

So where to from here SMSS?  You never know, that gal may show back up all apologetic, which would be cool as long as the next step is to meet in person, and what about other connections?

[SoMadSoSad]

Ive been speaking to other women trying to find a similar connection, but it seems like I am really drawn to this specific personality type. It makes me feel like I can be myself. It really speaks to my inner child also. I guess my BPDex had similar traits also to this personality which is why i was so comfortable with her and why my guard was completely obliterated. I reached back out to the girl i was speaking to online yesterday and we spoke and i helped her out with some homework, but now it seems she is back to radio silence. I dont know why she even responds to me anymore, she gets enough attention from guys from the dating site.

[fromheeltoheal]

I reached back out to the girl i was speaking to online yesterday and we spoke and i helped her out with some homework

Did you actually talk live or was it text?  As an alternative, you could have said "Sure, I'll help you with your homework, I'll meet you at Starbucks at 3:30", for example.  And if you want it to be a romantic relationship, make it clear you want to be her man, not her tutor, and if she doesn't feel that way, fine, but you will not settle, so you gotta go, and if she changes her mind she can call you.  Of course we're getting ahead of ourselves, you haven't met her yet, but something to think about.

[SoMadSoSad]

We talk through a messaging app. A reason she gives for not being able to meet up is that she is busy with school friends and dates. Im guessing the lack of communication and interest now is she is actively pursing a promising relationship. But we had both made it clear that we should be friends as we did seem to have chemistry and similar likes and tastes. This is the first female i'd be ok just with being friends even though she would make a great gf.

[fromheeltoheal]

We talk through a messaging app. A reason she gives for not being able to meet up is that she is busy with school friends and dates. Im guessing the lack of communication and interest now is she is actively pursing a promising relationship. But we had both made it clear that we should be friends as we did seem to have chemistry and similar likes and tastes. This is the first female i'd be ok just with being friends even though she would make a great gf.

So she wouldn't be telling you about dates with other guys unless you made it clear you just wanted to be friends, or if that hasn't been discussed one way or the other, she may be testing you to see how much of a problem her dating other guys is, and therefore how interested in her you are.  You've heard of the being "friendzoned" right?  Where you want more, it's not happening, so you hang around being a friend anyway, hoping something will change.  Not good.  So you have a decision to make: you're here talking to us about it because you've developed feelings for her, it is what it is, so you could tell her that and that you want to date her romantically, and if that's not what she wants, gotta go, call me if you change your mind.  Or you could hang around being her "friend" when you want more.  Which one is more empowered?

And of course a lot of the unknowns would be cleared up by spending time with her, but this is a great opportunity to learn and grow yes?  BTW, by her putting other things in front of you as a reason to not get together, she's telling you you're not a priority, and maybe your time is better spent with someone who wants to make you a priority?

[SoMadSoSad]

Yea i guess the bottom line is, she doesnt seem interested anymore. She didnt really friendzone me i friendzoned myself saying i would like to befriends after she refused to meet after the first two weeks of talking. I also stated (which i shouldnt have but it was a basic defense mechanism at this point) that i would scared to develop feelings for her. Saying this seemed to peak her interest and she was adamant on finding out why. I told her it was because I am uncomfortable feeling vulnerable and she makes me feel very vulnerable. She was like ok i understand. I guess I should just continue my quest of finding someone like her that seems actually interested in meeting. THank you so much for your help.