So angry with myself

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I really am so angry and disappointed with myself. I decided to look through some of my writings from way back when it all went wrong. This is something I wrote then.

I am a broken human being, broken by a broken human being.
My world is bleak and empty, I have not the strength to live it or end it.
I exist, that is all. I have not the strength to ask for help nor do I desire it anymore. I simply wish to cease to be. I cannot see my way through this, there is nothing in front of me. I am so very broken.

That is exactly how I feel now, over a year later!

Then I decided to recoad all my posts from day one. Bad mistake. I am feeling and writing exactly the same things. Apart from learning a huge amount about BPD nothing else has changed. What a waste of time and energy and money. I moved house to get away from him, I came back, I left 3 good jobs, I came back. I have achieved exactly nothing. Am still a ball of curled up useless misery, back on antidepressants and having panic/grief attacks in public. It's all beyond me. I don't know what the hell to do, I appear to have the willpower of a dead bug. So so disappointed.

[Sadly]

I really am so angry and disappointed with myself. I decided to look through some of my writings from way back when it all went wrong. This is something I wrote then.

I am a broken human being, broken by a broken human being.
My world is bleak and empty, I have not the strength to live it or end it.
I exist, that is all. I have not the strength to ask for help nor do I desire it anymore. I simply wish to cease to be. I cannot see my way through this, there is nothing in front of me. I am so very broken.

That is exactly how I feel now, over a year later!

Then I decided to recoad all my posts from day one. Bad mistake. I am feeling and writing exactly the same things. Apart from learning a huge amount about BPD nothing else has changed. What a waste of time and energy and money. I moved house to get away from him, I came back, I left 3 good jobs, I came back. I have achieved exactly nothing. Am still a ball of curled up useless misery, back on antidepressants and having panic/grief attacks in public. It's all beyond me. I don't know what the hell to do, I appear to have the willpower of a dead bug. So so disappointed.

[elfyguy]

HI Sadly,

I'm sorry you're going through this hard time. It sounds as if you're so harsh on yourself, which is also a common aspect of myself. I don't judge people nearly as much as I judge myself. If you were consoling someone else, what would you say to your post - to you? I find that we can treat ourselves just as kindly as our significant other and other people, but it takes practice  . What I've learned from understanding BPD is that none of this was my fault. Equally, I don't think this is your fault either.

I don't think you've been wasting your time. We all process information and reflect at different paces. I've been reading a certain book that has helped me tremendously, it's called Solitude and Loneliness (A Buddhist View), perhaps it'll help. In some way, I love everyone, which includes you.

I hope you feel better

Here's a little quote from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross -

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”"

[fromheeltoheal]

I really am so angry and disappointed with myself.

You can use that Sadly, use it as motivation fuel.

Then I decided to recoad all my posts from day one. Bad mistake. I am feeling and writing exactly the same things. Apart from learning a huge amount about BPD nothing else has changed.

While learning about the disorder can help a lot, it can eliminate a lot of confusion and make sense of a borderline's behavior, it's still a focus on the borderline and not on us.

So as you use the anger and disappointment at yourself, what do you need to change?  What do you need to do differently?  There's a great opportunity here, the first step being to create a compelling vision for your future; what does that look like?  What do you want your life to be, who do you want to be with, what do you want to be doing, how do you want to feel?  Create that vision, and then make it big and bright so it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And as you shift the focus from your ex to you and from the past to the future, which will happen on its own as you move towards the life of your dreams, you'll build momentum, and you won't really notice how far you're getting from the place you're in now because you're too busy pursuing your dream, but after a while you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've come.  Which builds more momentum.

So what does your empowered future look like?

[amsheehy]

I really am so angry and disappointed with myself. I decided to look through some of my writings from way back when it all went wrong. This is something I wrote then.

I am a broken human being, broken by a broken human being.
My world is bleak and empty, I have not the strength to live it or end it.
I exist, that is all. I have not the strength to ask for help nor do I desire it anymore. I simply wish to cease to be. I cannot see my way through this, there is nothing in front of me. I am so very broken.

That is exactly how I feel now, over a year later!

Then I decided to recoad all my posts from day one. Bad mistake. I am feeling and writing exactly the same things. Apart from learning a huge amount about BPD nothing else has changed. What a waste of time and energy and money. I moved house to get away from him, I came back, I left 3 good jobs, I came back. I have achieved exactly nothing. Am still a ball of curled up useless misery, back on antidepressants and having panic/grief attacks in public. It's all beyond me. I don't know what the hell to do, I appear to have the willpower of a dead bug. So so disappointed.

I feel your pain and frustration for sure.

After a recent horrible situation with the BPD person in my life, I started looking through old emails and found some from early 2015 that I could have literally written yesterday in terms of how I was feeling or circumstances.  I have done so incredibly much for this person and altered my entire life all while thinking progress was being made, but have always ended up back in the same situation with the same feelings of sadness, hurt, anger and confusion.  I've tried so many different things, always thinking that NOW things would be better/different, but this person has never been willing to change or put in the work required to change.

No words of advice, just know you're FAR from alone... .   

[patientandclear]

That seems like a very valuable exercise. I too have been struck by how much I actually perceived and got right when things first went bad in my BPD r/ship, five years ago now. I knew nothing of BPD then but my grasp of the dynamics was dead-on. Yet I kept trying in various ways to get around what I had already understood.

Did you find the passages where you described your decision to move? As you know, I found those quite inspiring.

I'm thinking this insight about the intractible dynamic and the way it seems always to leave you feeling may be quite useful to you.

[Sadly]

Thank you elfyguy
I have read your posts and admire you a great deal. I used to read a lot about Budhism many years ago, it always struck me as very gentle and calming. I did have some serious childhood trauma and always thought that coming through that eventually made me into a kind loving thoughtful person with a great deal of empathy and compassion, maybe not a beautiful person as your lovely quote describes but certainly as good as I could be. I think maybe this is why I hurt so much, to have that love rubbished and crushed and myself destroyed in this way. I  was very angry with him for a while, until I learnt about BPD, I haven't been angry with him for a long time. 
Thanks H to H
Wisdom as always. To be honest I struggle right now to envision anything beyond an hours time, and what annoys me as I said earlier is I have written these words before. I do see what you are saying and I have a vague idea of what I would like, just simply to be me again would be nice. I don't recognise myself anymore. 
Hello Amsheehy
Thank you too, am so sorry for your pain and loss. The confusion is mind blowing isn't it? It's good to know we are not alone. 
Hello again P&C
In some ways it was a useful exercise I suppose except I was horrified to discover how little for me had changed. Yes, I read those passages, I am glad they inspired you. It was hard, brought back all the pain and loss I was feeling as I packed and moved and left my love behind. The determination behind it all, the sheer desperation of knowing it had to be done. For what? A month later we were visiting each other at weekends, going on holiday and at great expense a few months later I threw up a good job and moved back near him. Square one.

There is something I have learnt. For many years I have been a loner, independent, have travelled the world, renovated and lived on a narrow boat, worked offshore on oil rigs, done so many things but always alone. I have always been on the outside looking in. I realise now how lovely it has been to be part of two people, sometimes in the silliest ways, supermarket shopping, being an us. At least I have known that because for sure, I dare not do it again. Thank you all so much for being here and your patience. 

[fromheeltoheal]

To be honest I struggle right now to envision anything beyond an hours time, and what annoys me as I said earlier is I have written these words before.  I do see what you are saying and I have a vague idea of what I would like, just simply to be me again would be nice. I don't recognise myself anymore.

So there's the goal Sadly: focus on envisioning a future two hours from now, which will double what you're able to do right now, and then build from there.  Happiness is created by progress, any progress will do, and then when you notice the progress, set a new goal.  Detachment is a project, the best kind, and the good news about being as low as we can go is the only way to go from there is up, yes?  And not recognizing yourself allows you to recreate yourself, your self, any way you want.  So who is she?

[Sadly]

Thank you again. I will try. I really will, can't carry on like this much longer, am exhausted body and soul. x

[bestintentions]

Sadly,

Please hang in there.  I visit this site daily for strength, you can do the same and you can make it!  I'm less than three months out from the discard and slowly, slowly gaining perspective but it's hard work.  For me, the NC/LC has helped immensely with the addiction to the physical connection but it doesn't make the thoughts and feelings just go away.  Sometimes I just miss my friend, and that appears to be my biggest obstacle moving forward.  Take comfort where you can and keep fighting.

bi

[Sadly]

Hello BI
thank you. I come here everyday too, it's a lifeline isn't it? Well I have closed my FB account and blocked phone but as you say, I miss my friend, we did so much together and shared so many interests. If only there wasn't such a deep emotional tie then that's what he would be, just a friend. But it can't and isn't and never will be. Thanks for sharing some strength with me