Why did uBPD Mom get furious when I cried as a kid?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Primarily when I was a little kid, one of Mom's triggers would be if she was mad at me for anything and I responded by crying. Sometimes she would get angry and say that if I cry I will get sick and she doesn't want to risk catching anything. Other times, she would simply get furious at me if I cried. She would say she won't forgive me if I cry. Mom would say I should be happy she is punishing me so I can learn right from wrong.

As long as Mom wasn't angry at me and she felt I had good reason to cry, she would not get angry at me.

As a kid, I quickly learned to hide my crying from her so I would be forgiven sooner. I would cry in secret because even as a kid I thought her restriction on crying while being punished was dumb.

After reading a few books on BPD, I now understand that being forced to repress your emotions can lead to BPD. Thankfully, I always disregarded her stupid rule.

As an adult, j rarely cry in front of my mother when she is angry at me. I actually have cried on occasion and didn't give a damn if she liked it or not.

My question is what the heck was this horrible hatred she had for me crying if she was angry at me or punishing me when I was a kid?

By the way, I am not certain, but I think she's a borderline hermit with some borderline queen tendencies mixed in.

[Finallyawake]

Primarily when I was a little kid, one of Mom's triggers would be if she was mad at me for anything and I responded by crying. Sometimes she would get angry and say that if I cry I will get sick and she doesn't want to risk catching anything. Other times, she would simply get furious at me if I cried. She would say she won't forgive me if I cry. Mom would say I should be happy she is punishing me so I can learn right from wrong.

As long as Mom wasn't angry at me and she felt I had good reason to cry, she would not get angry at me.

As a kid, I quickly learned to hide my crying from her so I would be forgiven sooner. I would cry in secret because even as a kid I thought her restriction on crying while being punished was dumb.

After reading a few books on BPD, I now understand that being forced to repress your emotions can lead to BPD. Thankfully, I always disregarded her stupid rule.

As an adult, j rarely cry in front of my mother when she is angry at me. I actually have cried on occasion and didn't give a damn if she liked it or not.

My question is what the heck was this horrible hatred she had for me crying if she was angry at me or punishing me when I was a kid?

By the way, I am not certain, but I think she's a borderline hermit with some borderline queen tendencies mixed in.

[Turkish]

That's invalidating to say the least. It sounds like she's mirroring what she may have been told as a child. 

My uBPDx can be very loving and attentive to the kids.  Except when she's triggered.  S6 is sensitive (we think he may touch the lower end of ASD sometimes). At his sixth birthday party,  he was accidentally hit in the jumper.  He cried and was upset for over half an hour.  He came to me for comfort.  I held him.  His mom came up to us and said,  "you need to toughen up and stop crying!" He was embarrassing her,  naturally.  I wanted to tell her to get lost.  I did,  more nicely.  pwBPD often see others as extensions of themselves,  the part of them which is missing inside.  Our just turned six year old's "weakness" triggered her.  I've heard her older bother say similar things.  It's likely how they were taught,  and being poorly differentiated from their parents,  parrot what they were told; implicitly,  your feelings don't matter. 

Have you ever observed your mom to cry?

[Finallyawake]

Mom has claimed for years that she has an allergy to her own tears. She claims after she cries that her eyes swell up for days, so she must avoid crying at all costs. I have probably seen her cry less than a dozen times in the past 40 years or so.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Mom has claimed for years that she has an allergy to her own tears. She claims after she cries that her eyes swell up for days, so she must avoid crying at all costs. I have probably seen her cry less than a dozen times in the past 40 years or so.

On the rare occasion, when you saw her cry, do you remember her eyes being swollen for more than a day or two?  (to the degree that someone other than her would perhaps notice a subtle difference) Is your mom vain?  Just wondering if it could be a vanity issue and an exaggeration? 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Finallyawake,

I’m so sorry you had to repress what is a very healthy outlet, i.e. crying. I've cried twice since I was 10 and it was a great relief to do so. I wish I could learn how to do it more often. But I had a similar upbringing to you, except for the fact my BPD had the monopoly on crying. She used it to great effect when doing the waif thing (but "boys don't cry".

A reason for our BPD both disliking their children crying, could simply be that it embarrasses them. They want to appear the perfect mother to outsiders, and crying doesn’t help that. "A child is seen but not heard". Also a BPD generally doesn’t like anything that doesn’t feed their narcisstic supply, or give them a clear benefit, and a crying child doesn’t always do that. But I think it’s great you retained the ability to cry, as I’m told it’s a really good relief mechanism. But just out of interest, why is it important for you to understand the crying game ?

[Finallyawake]

I remember my Mom looking like she was intentionally closing her eyes halfway whenever she was done crying to show the allergy. I never believed she had an allergy to tears. It always looked like she was pretending. I felt like she did it to show how whoever made her cry physically hurt her by making her shed tears.

I am curious about the cause of her opposition to crying, only because I am trying to learn more about BPD. So far, this kind of thing hasn't been mentioned in the three books on BPD that I've read.

[Fie]

My mum also did not like me crying. I think a reason can also be that when a child  cries, the attention  goes to him, and not to the BPD anymore.

In rare cases I am angry with my daughter, she starts to cry very easily (she's quite sensitive - which is one of the reasons I avoid getting angry with her). I must admit I also don't like it  when she does it, because it makes me feel guilty ('I should not have gotten angry'.    

So it's not that I think her feelings don't matter - I actually probably think 'too much' that her feelings matter   

[polly87]

My uBPD mother would hate it when I cried or when I was angry or depressed. Like you, finallyawake, I learned to hide my crying (and my emotions in general ) from her.

I think emotions were a trigger to my mother because she hated her own emotions. Seeing someone expressing their feelings would remind her of her own self-hatred. Either because that person would hate themselves less than she hated herself (so they would be more emotionally mature and thus a threat to her) or because she would be reminded of her own feelings and her repression of them. It would not seem fair to her if she had to repress her emotions and someone else wouldn't , so it makes sense in a sick kind of way that she would prevent her child (me) from feeling things.

[Finallyawake]

Hi Polly87. My Mom also gets angry at me for expressing a variety of emotions. I never really stopped to think about it, but yes it does go beyond her not liking me crying.

I remember telling Mom I am depressed. She responded by gaslighting me, telling me how excited she is that I am so happy. She has gotten furious at me for being angry too, which was really hypercritical.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and helping me to understand.

[polly87]

I'm sorry she invalidated your feelings. That can make one feel unworthy and insecure. You were wise to see that she was being stupid. Has her invalidation affected the way you deal with emotions at all?

[Finallyawake]

Mom invalidating my emotions did nothing to stop me from letting myself feel every emotion. However, it did condition me to hide my emotions from others.

As a result, I tend to deny my true feelings in situations involving my mother, with authority figures, in verbal conflicts, and in romantic relationships. I have had a very hard time asking for what I want and standing up for myself. Unfortunately, my whole life has been filled with people taking advantage of me being a pushover. I know I need to change this about me.

[polly87]

Hi again Finallyawake,
It sounds like you're pretty hard on yourself as to your goals. Do you think this is in any way related to your experiences as a kid?

I believe that in our lives, we will be confronted with the same lesson again and again until we have grown. So I try to see it as a good thing when difficult things or people cross my path. Can you relate to that ? Like you, I used to have lots of people in my life who took advantage of me, like my ex-MIL. But I learned how to deal with such situations in T and by doing mindfulness (as well as getting some help from the great people here on the board of course!). Can you think of a first step to become more self-confident / assertive?

[Fie]

Hello Finallyawake,

You haven't posted in a while, how are you doing in the meantime ?
How are you coping living with your mum ?

xx

[todayistheday]

My Mom also got mad at me for crying.  That phrase that they say that most parents use "If you don't stop that crying, I'll give you something to cry about" is one that I heard many times.  Unfortunately, she usually DID give me something to cry about.  I never was able to learn not to cry or hold back my emotion.

Now that I am older, I have learned to deal with emotion and not let the little things upset me.  But when I am emotional, I can't hold back.  Which includes things like jumping when I hear loud noises like a very close thunder clap, which annoys my husband to no end.  I just tell him "I cant help my reflexes, get off my case."  I still cry when I get yelled at too.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Polly87. My Mom also gets angry at me for expressing a variety of emotions. I never really stopped to think about it, but yes it does go beyond her not liking me crying.

I remember telling Mom I am depressed. She responded by gaslighting me, telling me how excited she is that I am so happy. She has gotten furious at me for being angry too, which was really hypercritical.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and helping me to understand.

My ex with NPD/BPD traits did not like me expressing anything but "happy with him."  If I were sad, he tended to avoid me or such. 

If his daughter was sad, he would attempt to make her laugh or such to get her out of that feeling and would try to convince her she was happy, until she looked the part.  He could not tolerate seeing her look unhappy. 

I think the whole thing was part of his enmeshment.  He felt like the people around him needed to reflect back to him that they are happy, because that meant he is "good."

I think as a dad, he felt more responsible for his kids feelings, thus really couldn't tolerate if she seemed unhappy, cause he took it to mean he was not a good parent.  Having NPD traits, this was not allowed.

As for me, I feel if was sad, he heard:
You do not make me happy

He just personalized everything even if it had nothing to do with him.

Also, he didn't know how to act often to respond to my feelings so he seemed to feel incompetent with trying to help me, so then that seemed to confirm his original sense of incompetence, thus causing him to back away.

Then also, with his enmeshment issue, anyone not having the same emotional experience as him was "wrong" and "bad" cause well, they just had to feel the same as him to be connected to him.

If he was mad, but I pointed out that the situation was actually one I was grateful for, he acted like I was saying: You are wrong.

People just really aren't allowed to have much of their own inner experiences around persons with these issues.  They want yours to mostly match theirs.  They look outside of themselves to decide that they are ok.  They want the matching of others to THEIR inner experience as they feel it is validating to them.  They want everyone else to be oriented to theirs cause they really only recognize themself as valid and real, (unintentional self centeredness) and when feelings equal facts and the fact is that I am sad when I "should be" happy, well, that is just plain insulting to a pwNPD/BPD traits, or simply "wrong."

(As for my mom with BPD, she just didn't respond to ANY feelings at all from me... .except you had to start crying to stop a beating, to allow her that satisfaction)

[isilme]

I was not so much told not to cry outright, as I learned to not express any unsanctioned emotion.  Me crying was a cue that something was wrong.  I think that my BPD parents knew on some level that beating a small child was wrong, and my tears and cries were invalidating to THEM as the needed to believe what they were doing was right - so the more I cried, the more I got beat, and I learned over time to restrain myself. 

This also applied to being happy at the wrong times, or ever exhibiting anger or unhappiness.  If my emotions did not match theirs, I faced anything from getting slapped in public for being a brat to sullen silences that could stretch for days.

So, in my opinion, a child's tears in response to the pwBPD's mistreatment of that child invalidates their own feelings of being just and right in their actions to that child.  So it can incite a rage at having to feel and then avoid shame for making a kid cry.

I used to cry at school because it was the only place I was allowed to go away from home, but after being teased for being a weird, too-adult-for-my-peers kid, cry baby, I did my very best to never cry in front of anyone.  I'd bite the inside of my cheek or dig my nails into my palms to stop myself. 

I learned to hide my feelings so well it's been really hard to let them out again in a healthy way.  I still don't feel "safe" expressing sadness or anger, and often wait till I am home alone or driving alone to let it out.  I am working on it. 

[my_memories]

I'm glad to hear that you made space for yourself to express your feelings.

My uBPD mother also had an aversion to crying - she told my sister and I that it was bad luck if we saw ourselves cry (like in a mirror) or if others saw us cry. She was very superstitious so this stuck with both of us for a long time.

Years later, I asked her why she did that - I told her that I had researched the superstition and never found anything to support it. She told me that when we cried, it made her deeply uncomfortable and paralyzed. She never wanted us to cry and she found that this strategy worked to stop it.

I think it's related to emotional nepotism - she didn't want us to show that her behaviour had an impact on us, we were there to fill her emotional needs and should not have emotional needs of our own. When we cried, it made her uncomfortable because it highlighted that we were our own people - so she worked to stomp that out.

I have brothers - she never told them this so that's a weird one.

Hopefully my insights into my own situation help you with yours.