Running Away and Avoidance

[heartandmind]

Hi everyone 

Quick read, I promise!

I'm seven months out of a relationship with my ex-girlfriend who was diagnosed with BPD last year.

I read a lot of accounts from people who also dated pwBPD but find it hard to relate to many. On one hand, we never ever fought, she always took full responsibility for her actions and apologized profusely, never blamed me for anything, and would constantly tell me how grateful she was to have me, how she's never felt so loved by anyone in her life, and how much I absolutely meant to her. Above lovers, we were incredible best friends.

On the other, I see similarities in which the relationship was always a constant push/pull with her being completely present and then disappearing only to come back two times stronger, telling me how much she loved me but never being able to commit to a particular title (though we were not seeing other people and were practically living together), apologizing for her behavior then reenacting it over and over only to apologize again, etc. She also has a history of drug abuse, self harm, and eating disorder.

After our breakup seven months ago, we kept in touch for three months in which we would speak about our future, how much better she was doing (we broke up so she could hopefully get it together with the rest of her life), etc. Then one day out of the blue, she completely disappeared. Three meaningful, caring texts over a one month period, not one response. Long story short, I told her that if she was keeping anything from me I wouldn't be upset and even if she wanted me to leave her life, I would be okay with that and respect it – still nothing.

I ran into her since about two months ago and just spoke to her about two weeks ago (we had to speak about something off topic to our relationship). Both times she welcomed me with the most open of arms, telling me that she missed me, was completely apologetic for her behavior in not responding, and even physically held my hand – I knew that it was genuine and have never doubted that. One time she suggested we meet for dinner and another time she said that we would talk again, but never followed through on either despite her intentions. Now she is back to avoiding me like the plague!

In the past, she had insinuated that she would push people away often and even abruptly broke up with me twice before, but eventually came running back. One of those times she admitted to me that she was running away due to her assumed issues – it had absolutely nothing to do with me, as this also happened abruptly after the most incredible of days spent together.

This time I know it would be very hard for her to return unless real serious change in her occurred – she knows how much she has hurt me and told me that she couldn't bare doing it anymore.

***I am just wondering why so many pwBPD completely disappear despite loving you so much? Maybe it's just the romantic in me, but I truly know that she is *not* a monster (despite whatever else I have read online) and does deeply care for me -- so why run away? Why all the excuses as to why we shouldn't be together when she can blatantly admit that she is in love with me? I would never, ever, ever leave her and she knows that – so what gives?***

Thanks!

Confused and still wondering

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[fromheeltoheal]

Hi alwaysqustioning-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it is confusing, and painful, although not unique around here, we understand.

***I am just wondering why so many pwBPD completely disappear despite loving you so much? Maybe it's just the romantic in me, but I truly know that she is *not* a monster (despite whatever else I have read online) and does deeply care for me -- so why run away? Why all the excuses as to why we shouldn't be together when she can blatantly admit that she is in love with me? I would never, ever, ever leave her and she knows that – so what gives?***

Think attachments with borderlines.  She was, or is, attached to you emotionally, and the closer a borderline gets to someone the more the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment are triggered, that doesn't feel good, so a borderline reacts to those feelings in order to soothe them.  A common way is to practice what's called push/pull behavior: get too close, she'll push you away, get too far and she'll pull you back.  It sounds like you got so close that she ran away, the ultimate push.  And mind you that may or may not have had anything to do with the reality of the relationship, although if you would never, ever, ever leave her, that could have been interpreted as too close.

Anyway, can you tell some more of your story and what's going on with you emotionally?

[heartandmind]

Hi alwaysqustioning-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it is confusing, and painful, although not unique around here, we understand.

***I am just wondering why so many pwBPD completely disappear despite loving you so much? Maybe it's just the romantic in me, but I truly know that she is *not* a monster (despite whatever else I have read online) and does deeply care for me -- so why run away? Why all the excuses as to why we shouldn't be together when she can blatantly admit that she is in love with me? I would never, ever, ever leave her and she knows that – so what gives?***

Think attachments with borderlines.  She was, or is, attached to you emotionally, and the closer a borderline gets to someone the more the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment are triggered, that doesn't feel good, so a borderline reacts to those feelings in order to soothe them.  A common way is to practice what's called push/pull behavior: get too close, she'll push you away, get too far and she'll pull you back.  It sounds like you got so close that she ran away, the ultimate push.  And mind you that may or may not have had anything to do with the reality of the relationship, although if you would never, ever, ever leave her, that could have been interpreted as too close.

Anyway, can you tell some more of your story and what's going on with you emotionally?

I deeply appreciate your response. Ditto on the push/pull. I know that she knows that I will always, always be there for her so it's not that I'm ever getting too far away, which is why she can have periods of time not talking to me and being okay with it (this is the truth - I don't love often, but when when I do, I love unconditionally).

Well, a little more about my story and relationship is above. Perhaps the only thing I forgot to add is that she's afraid of commitment, which tapers back into everything you previously mentioned. Vicious cycle, I suppose!

[fromheeltoheal]

I deeply appreciate your response. Ditto on the push/pull. I know that she knows that I will always, always be there for her so it's not that I'm ever getting too far away, which is why she can have periods of time not talking to me and being okay with it (this is the truth - I don't love often, but when when I do, I love unconditionally).

I understand.  And can you see a possibility that you will put your needs ahead of hers at any point?

Well, a little more about my story and relationship is above. Perhaps the only thing I forgot to add is that she's afraid of commitment, which tapers back into everything you previously mentioned. Vicious cycle, I suppose.

I asked mostly for you, it can be helpful to talk with folks who understand.  :)etaching is a process and includes grieving the loss of the relationship, which can take a while but can also be hugely enlightening, so I encourage you to stick around, read a bunch and post when you want.  Take care of you!

[steelwork]

Why all the excuses as to why we shouldn't be together when she can blatantly admit that she is in love with me? I would never, ever, ever leave her and she knows that – so what gives?***

Hi alwaysq,

I'm real sorry to hear what you've been through. I definitely can relate, as well. Where do you think you are right now in terms of the five stages of detachment (see sidebar to the right)? I know that, for me, I was still ready to take him back at the drop of a hat for many many months after he dumped me, and even after he ghosted. I know what you mean about not loving often, but loving unconditionally when you do. I can remember holding onto that feeling--getting a kind of comfort from it. I do think one of the ways this experience has changed me is that I've stopped seeing that kind of dogged loyalty as an unalloyed good. I've started seeing it as potentially self-destructive.

[heartandmind]

Why all the excuses as to why we shouldn't be together when she can blatantly admit that she is in love with me? I would never, ever, ever leave her and she knows that – so what gives?***

Hi alwaysq,

I'm real sorry to hear what you've been through. I definitely can relate, as well. Where do you think you are right now in terms of the five stages of detachment (see sidebar to the right)? I know that, for me, I was still ready to take him back at the drop of a hat for many many months after he dumped me, and even after he ghosted. I know what you mean about not loving often, but loving unconditionally when you do. I can remember holding onto that feeling--getting a kind of comfort from it. I do think one of the ways this experience has changed me is that I've stopped seeing that kind of dogged loyalty as an unalloyed good. I've started seeing it as potentially self-destructive.

Personally, I can think about what happened now without being upset or ever crying. This took many months to get to. I would date someone new, though meeting people is truly hard for me. This all said, honestly, I would say somewhere between a 4 or 5.

The reason I ask this question on this forum is truly to quench my own curiosity – it was the one remaining question I had left. I will never not love her or miss her dearly, but I could move on should the opportunity present itself.

Interesting take! Perhaps I will get there one day too 

[Mutt]

Hi alwaysqustioning,

I will never not love her or miss her dearly, but I could move on should the opportunity present itself.

Do you think about her often? It has to be hard if she's disappeared for 4 months. What if it takes longer than you expect or she hurts you again?

This time I know it would be very hard for her to return unless real serious change in her occurred – she knows how much she has hurt me and told me that she couldn't bare doing it anymore.

Her pattern is she runs away and avoids her problems, do you think that she will change if you observe her past? You may very well find yourself in the same situation again. Are you prepared for that?

[Lucky Jim]

one of the ways this experience has changed me is that I've stopped seeing that kind of dogged loyalty as an unalloyed good. I've started seeing it as potentially self-destructive.

Agree w/that, steelwork.  Loyalty is an admirable quality, but can be misplaced in a BPD r/s.  There's nothing noble in allowing oneself to be the object of another's abuse.

always questioning -- what would you like to see happen?  I'm unsure.  If you were to reconnect, do you think things would turn out differently?

LuckyJim