pwBPD and obsessions (or is it about identity?)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Something that I have thought about for years is how my exBPDh seems to go through these phases with having obsessions about one thing in particular. What I mean by this, is that he becomes completely absorbed in this 'activity' or 'thing' for a period of time, but eventually moves on to something else.

In the beginning of our relationship, I was the obsession. His entire focus was on me, to the point where when we had to spend a few months apart due to being from different countries, he didn't finish his uni degree because he wasn't coping with being apart (he only had one month left of the degree to complete it). I finished the study I was doing at the same time though.

Anyway, moving on from me, the next obsession became fishing, then camping, then it was on doing stuff to a four wheel drive. Then we were planning for a huge 13 month trip which took up a lot of time. That trip was then all consuming. Since this travel ended he is now obsessed with a particular country that we traveled through. It's not a place that many people go to but everything he posts about on our travel FB page is related to this country. I'm trying to say that he becomes completely consumed by it, and I believe that part of his leaving is to pursue working there.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has any thoughts on this? Is there something linked with identity here? Or am I making more out of it than I should?

[Firebird]

Something that I have thought about for years is how my exBPDh seems to go through these phases with having obsessions about one thing in particular. What I mean by this, is that he becomes completely absorbed in this 'activity' or 'thing' for a period of time, but eventually moves on to something else.

In the beginning of our relationship, I was the obsession. His entire focus was on me, to the point where when we had to spend a few months apart due to being from different countries, he didn't finish his uni degree because he wasn't coping with being apart (he only had one month left of the degree to complete it). I finished the study I was doing at the same time though.

Anyway, moving on from me, the next obsession became fishing, then camping, then it was on doing stuff to a four wheel drive. Then we were planning for a huge 13 month trip which took up a lot of time. That trip was then all consuming. Since this travel ended he is now obsessed with a particular country that we traveled through. It's not a place that many people go to but everything he posts about on our travel FB page is related to this country. I'm trying to say that he becomes completely consumed by it, and I believe that part of his leaving is to pursue working there.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has any thoughts on this? Is there something linked with identity here? Or am I making more out of it than I should?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Firebird-

Well, impulsivity is a trait of the disorder, although impulsive behaviors are practiced to soothe emotions, which are transient, so the impulse behavior need not last long.  Jumping into something with both feet could be an attempt to take on an identity, define yourself by what you do instead of who you are, hoping to become what you do?  Borderlines don't have a fully formed self of their own and look to attach to someone to 'complete' themselves, to become whole, and he may have noticed that attaching to an activity was safer, since attaching to people triggers him, triggers the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, that doesn't feel good, so attach to an activity instead, which he can leave when he wants and therefore be in control, which is soothing.  Pure speculation.

My neighbor, who is 'crazy' in my mind but I can't speak to his mental health specifically, he'll do the same thing, dive into something, spend a ton of money on it, enjoy it for a while, and then on to the next.  Lately it's been Harley Davidsons, loud as hell especially at midnight, and I'll glad that that phase is waning and wonder what will replace it; god forbid he wants to be a drummer in a rock band... .

So it hasn't been long for you, he left, you were deciding what you wanted to do for a while, and now you've decided you're done and focusing on detaching.  How's that going today?

[valet]

He could be trying to relive unresolved trauma... .or he just really enjoys these things.

It's not uncommon for a pwBPD to shift gears like this. Mine, for instance, was constantly juggling career goals, among other things. Either way, it is generally due to an inconsistent sense of self. So yes, identity issues.

Try to think about it this way: we do the same things with our hobbies. Sometimes I write a lot. Sometimes I make music a lot. Sometimes I watch a lot of movies. It doesn't say much about me other than that I try to have a wide variety of interests.

It's natural to think this way. I was very curious about the nature of the disorder for a good year before I stopped reading so intently about the associated behaviors. If you are curious, follow that curiosity. I don't think that learning about these things will hinder you. They'll only help you take everything a bit less personally. And eventually, you might just get bored with the reading!

[Firebird]

Hi Firebird-

Borderlines don't have a fully formed self of their own and look to attach to someone to 'complete' themselves, to become whole, and he may have noticed that attaching to an activity was safer, since attaching to people triggers him, triggers the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, that doesn't feel good, so attach to an activity instead, which he can leave when he wants and therefore be in control, which is soothing.  Pure speculation.

That makes a lot of sense to me, although I realize I can't know for sure. It sucks though because he does all these 'things' but never feels better about himself in the end. I find it so frustrating that he keeps looking for external stuff to feel better when he really needs to look inward, which I guess he says he has been doing to some extent.

So it hasn't been long for you, he left, you were deciding what you wanted to do for a while, and now you've decided you're done and focusing on detaching.  How's that going today?

Well, actually, we are meeting tomorrow evening (if it happens - he stuffed me around last week). He leaves the country next week so I hope that with that detachment will become a lot easier. In all honesty, I don't look forward to seeing him at all. I have tomorrow off and will be seeing my therapist too before going so I hope that will help me figure out exactly what I want from the meeting for myself (without too many expectations).

I have to go to work now, but will think about this further and write more later.

[Sadly]

Good luck Firebird   x

[enlighten me]

Ive done this. Got into something and thats been my focus. For me it was probably about identity. The difference is that once I tried ot and realised it wasnt for me then it was part of who I am. By this I mean I did rock climbing about twenty years ago I dont consider mysel a rock climber. Some things have stuck. I love scuba diving but dont get a chance to do it. I would consider diving as a part of me. I guess what im trying to say is that in my life ive done a lot of things but only by doing them could I find what makes me tick.  With BPD a lot is about that search for who they are but a lot is just to impress.

[once removed]

it sounds to me like obsessive compulsive behavior.

[findingmyselfagain]

When I was engaged to my expwBPD she seemed obsessed with horses and breeding dogs, but that seems to be a genuine interest. Maybe a continued obsession? She wanted a horse farm and/or dogs to breed and sell. It was to the point that she bought a Great Dane and I ended up having to take care of it at my condo because she destroyed the relationship about a week after we picked up the dog and had our wedding shower... .! So *I* took care of it for two months while craziness was happening. The only smart decision I made during that r/s was refusing to pay for the dog. She's still a big fan of rescuing dogs, and she rents  space for a horse, so it looks like those are genuine.

I'm not sure that all of that really separates her from anyone else though. Maybe it's the level of obsession? She literally so badly wanted a horse farm or to breed dogs. She joined an online dogbreeding simulation game and played several nights a week. She was also obsessed with Twilight at the time. Every time she was interested in something like a TV show or movie it literally dominated her emotions and it was like it was the greatest thing ever.

My guess is a lot of it is the black and white thinking... .something new and shiny. Dreams are great. It's the reality of responsibility and actual life that kicks their butts. A lot like a kid, isn't it? I sort of realized that is part of what drew me in so deep.

[Firebird]

Hi Firebird-

Well, impulsivity is a trait of the disorder, although impulsive behaviors are practiced to soothe emotions, which are transient, so the impulse behavior need not last long.  Jumping into something with both feet could be an attempt to take on an identity, define yourself by what you do instead of who you are, hoping to become what you do?  Borderlines don't have a fully formed self of their own and look to attach to someone to 'complete' themselves, to become whole, and he may have noticed that attaching to an activity was safer, since attaching to people triggers him, triggers the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, that doesn't feel good, so attach to an activity instead, which he can leave when he wants and therefore be in control, which is soothing.  Pure speculation.

Have been thinking about this some more. It's very interesting because I think now he is also looking to attach to his brother, who is 5 years younger. He and his brother didn't get along as children and my exBPDh was pretty mean to him, hated him, broke his toys and physically hurt him too. When my exBPDh was 18 he left the country and wasn't around much since then, so they haven't spent much time together as adults.

I had noticed before exBPDh left that he had been talking a lot more to his brother and seeing instagram posts etc of late, it's like his brother is now in the idealization phase. I feel sick thinking about it actually.
I guess it's a lot safer to attach to a brother, right?

He is going back to his home country next week and I'm aware that his main motivation was to see his brother again. His brother who is 29 has had many problems with relationships himself, very promiscuous and I don't think he's held down a relationship for longer than 1 year. I definitely think his brother has narcissistic traits but it could be BPD too.

To give a small amount of background, there was domestic violence between his parents and his father had many affairs (girlfriends not short ones). ExBPDh recalls meeting one as a child. Father was largely absent due to doing shift work (& being off with his gfs I suppose). Mother always told me she just accepted her husband's 'bad' behaviour, name calling etc. That is just who he is. Oh, btw, the parents are still together. Father told exBPDh approximately 6 years ago about the affairs, asking if exbPDh was the same. ExBPDh has no idea if his mother knows and this has been a secret between the exBPDh and his brother and his father since then. Awful, isn't it?

Anyway, as for the meeting tonight, I'm still really not looking forward to it. A big part of me wants to call it off. I'm trying to figure out how it is supposed to be beneficial to me. Just seems like I'm doing it because he asked for it. I suppose I'm scared. I don't want anything to do with him.

I think I'm in a place of feeling regretful, and I really don't like regrets. I'm turning 35 next week and I feel like he has robbed me of the chance to have a child. I realize it's not impossible, but the likelihood of me being able to sort myself out and then at some point meet someone and it be the right one to then have a child with... .seems really out of reach. I hate him for this. Our plan was to do this after our trip and in my mind he clearly just lied about it.

The thing is, I don't want to voice any of this to him because I want to be really strong and show him that my life is just fine without him.

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess it's a lot safer to attach to a brother, right?

Well, the nature of the disorder is such that an attachment to a borderline is a psychic fusing of two people with no line between them, at least in the borderline's head, which is inherently unstable, a trait of the disorder.  Then again it's a feeling not a thought, and if he can attach to his brother in such a way that he feels "better" then that could work, for as long as that works.

The thing is, I don't want to voice any of this to him because I want to be really strong and show him that my life is just fine without him.

And as you say, you don't want anything to do with him, and the best way to make that happen is don't show any emotional attachment to him, including anger, disgust, happiness to see him, anything, go "gray rock" as it's called, and that will indicate to him that the attachment is severed and he may stop trying.  Or he may go into what's called an extinction burst and try harder for a while, which means you're making progress.

Good luck, and please report back as to what happened.  Take care of you!