In need of support and suggestions

[mari123]

Hello,

I just recently moved in with my girlfriend who is diagnosed with BPD. We have been together for a year. At the beginning of our relationship, she was quite depressed - I didn't notice at first, but then it became apparent. She lost her job, smoked weed and stayed at home. I tried to support her the best I could, and she got better with therapy, and got a new job.

For a while life seemed good, and we decided to move in together.

 The move was stressful, more so than it should have been I think. She has never raged at me before, but in the 1 and 1/2 month we have lived together, she has started blowing off over the smallest of things. It is regular, sometimes we have a good week, and then she gets extremely angry because she was out of socks.

Two days ago, she was going on a business trip. She has some back pains from time to time and has strong painkillers for it. She couldn't find her medication and turned on me. She has told me before to keep away from her medications, so I haven't touched them and she know this. Regardless, she goes in to a rage, making all kinds of accusations, throwing things around and she even gave me a little push.

I didn't know what to do, and decided to go - I told her I was going and went. Now she is away on business for a week. She texted me that she needs a "break" and doesn't want to have any contact.

I dont really know what I'm asking about. Im just very distraught and unsure about things. How do you calm someone down who is completely blind with rage? I usually just go quiet and try to comfort her afterwards, but feel like my feelings are irrelevant to her. Ive never called her a name or been enraged with her, still once I said i thought she could be unwilling to compromise and she keeps bringing this up.

I just feel like she applies a very different standard to herself and me.
And I love her - she is the most interesting and lovable person I have ever met.
But I'm feeling like I'm treading on eggshells all the time.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi mari123,

Calming someone down who is completely blind with rage can be scary and hard, especially when it's a loved one. The push sounds like a sign she was completely dysegulated, the pistons weren't working properly and she was out of control with powerful feelings.

You recognized that leaving the scene was a way to protect both of you    Nothing good comes from letting her physically hurt you because she will feel shame and remorse, which is the gas that fuels the engine of dysregulation, keeping it going. Not to mention it's never good to let someone harm you -- you deserve better than that, we all do.

My T talks about how people who feel erased may want to erase the person who hurt them. With BPD, she may have felt you didn't acknowledge her feelings, which is like not acknowledging her, so she doesn't want to acknowledge you.

Sometimes, it is possible to intervene by acknowledging how she feels -- don't try to defend your actions or pledge your love, go straight to acknowledging how she feels, see if that works first. This is using validation to let her know you hear that she is feeling pain. "I understand you feel hurt right now, and want a break. I am here to listen and I miss you, and when you feel ready will be here."

She does apply a very different standard to you than she does to herself. She has a disorder that makes it hard for her to experience stability, and things go off the rails over small things, some can be triggered by a feeling or a thought. It does take radical acceptance to recognize that these are different relationships -- skills are not always intuitive but they can be learned.

Glad you found the site    Learning these skills can help prevent her from going into a blind rage, especially as you learn when emotions are becoming aroused, and how to validate to keep her from dysregulating further.

Has she done dialectical therapy? What led to her BPD diagnosis?

LnL

[mari123]

Hi mari123,

Calming someone down who is completely blind with rage can be scary and hard, especially when it's a loved one. The push sounds like a sign she was completely dysegulated, the pistons weren't working properly and she was out of control with powerful feelings.

You recognized that leaving the scene was a way to protect both of you    Nothing good comes from letting her physically hurt you because she will feel shame and remorse, which is the gas that fuels the engine of dysregulation, keeping it going. Not to mention it's never good to let someone harm you -- you deserve better than that, we all do.

My T talks about how people who feel erased may want to erase the person who hurt them. With BPD, she may have felt you didn't acknowledge her feelings, which is like not acknowledging her, so she doesn't want to acknowledge you.

Sometimes, it is possible to intervene by acknowledging how she feels -- don't try to defend your actions or pledge your love, go straight to acknowledging how she feels, see if that works first. This is using validation to let her know you hear that she is feeling pain. "I understand you feel hurt right now, and want a break. I am here to listen and I miss you, and when you feel ready will be here."

She does apply a very different standard to you than she does to herself. She has a disorder that makes it hard for her to experience stability, and things go off the rails over small things, some can be triggered by a feeling or a thought. It does take radical acceptance to recognize that these are different relationships -- skills are not always intuitive but they can be learned.

Glad you found the site    Learning these skills can help prevent her from going into a blind rage, especially as you learn when emotions are becoming aroused, and how to validate to keep her from dysregulating further.

Has she done dialectical therapy? What led to her BPD diagnosis?

LnL

LnL,

Thank you for your reply! It was very helpful, and made me feel like I am not all alone in this. Very happy to have found the site indeed!

We have had calm discussions after she returned home - about my boundaries when she is frustrated and angry and her reaction to me leaving the situation.

She is in agreement with that it was a good idea to leave the situation as to not further escalation - but still feels as if I left her - and is scared that I will leave permanently.

I feel like we have come a bit further - our discussions are not as heated as I have come to understand that she is not really angry with me but with herself when she lashes out. In coming to that understanding it is easier to de-escalate the situation by validating her feelings. If she does get angry and lash out, we have a conversation after calming down where I ask her what part of the things said she actually means. I find that it has helped our communication, but there is some way to go before we have a harmonic relationship for sure.

She was diagnosed by her therapist, and goes to therapy every week. Im not quite sure what techniques they use, but to my understanding they spend a lot of time talking about her childhood and her insecurities.

Thank you again for the reply: it really did help!

Mari123

[Aussie0zborn]

You're in a precarious situation. Perhaps you haven't read enough here on the forum to understand that you are fighting a losing battle and the toll that this will take on you. But while you're in it here's a few tips :

Use the S.E.T. technique to quell her when she is in a rage.  Re-establish your boundaries the next day with the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique. You have to practise these techniques a few times until they become second nature.  Refuse to buy into any nonsense to avoid escalating the situation by adding fuel to the fire which you will later be blamed for.

Remember that the best way to handle an argument and/or conflict is to maintain your frame. NEVER let her draw you into HER frame. In other words, keep your coolness and don't be shocked, outraged, hurt or drawn in by any of her nasty words. She'll know your buttons and which ones to press to get a negative response from you which she can then twist to blame you for whatever she just did. Maintain your dignity. Imagine you're on reality TV and the world will be watching.

Once you get drawn into her frame, it's all over for you. Your life will be one of SERVANT at best.

The problem with you walking on the egg shells you mention is that it impacts other parts of your life - friends, family, work, future healthy relationship, etc. and makes you less of the man you could have been.