Married Jekyell/Hyde

[momtobe25]

I just recently realized the man I married 6 months ago has BPD. He has been in therapy for the past two years and on meds for depression and anxiety, but is still not getting better. I came across the diagnostic criteria for BPD and they just fit so perfectly. I'm trying to figure out what to do next - see if his therapist has already diagnosed him, when he should find out he has BPD, etc.

Where to start... .my husband is the most loving, caring man; attractive, successful, who works hard and would do anything for his family--90% of the time. The other 10% he is an insecure monster who can't control his emotions. I have a job that requires me to travel internationally every other month, which has been a huge source of fighting and stress. He gets anxious and picks fights from the time I tell him I have to go on a trip, saying I don't really love him if I have to travel, and that he is a stupid chump who deserves to be treated so badly by me. If I mention that I had dinner with a group of friends, including a male friend I went to college with, he will be silent all evening and then say "please don't ever cheat on me." I used to try to get a glass of wine with my girlfriends but now only plan to do things when I can invite him or when he is working late. One of the worst weeks we had was when we started watching "The Affair" on Showtime and he became completely convinced that I would someday get bored and cheat on him. Before I got pregnant, I used to drink a few glasses of wine  and would fight back when he started in with all of the accusations, which made him say that all of our problems were due to my drinking and my work travel. Now that I have stopped both, we have had an easier time, but he also can go into a tailspin on any given evening because I'm "distant" or "distracted."

A tailspin consists of him accusing me of something, usually not loving him or that one day I will get bored with him and leave him or cheat on him. He also says that he is the one who does nothing but take care of me and I respond by treating him like dirt. I try to remind him of the dinner I just made for him, or all the nice things I do for him every day, but it escalates and he starts saying mean things, which I often respond to by trying to defend myself (the brief amount of reading on BPD I've done in the past few days shows me why this wasn't working). Then he starts screaming and hitting himself in the head and talking about killing himself. It all happens so fast - then he calms down and apologizes and gives me a big hug and tells me how much he loves me.

One of the big issues for us is sex. Both of us came out of failed marriages where our partners were disinterested in sex. We have made it a priority to stay connected in bed and for the most part I love it. The problem is if I am ever not in the mood, it triggers him into an emotional outburst and we end up fighting for 3 hours into the night. It is just easier to do it, knowing I will get to sleep sooner even if I am dog tired. I know this is unhealthy but the alternative is just too exhausting.

Anyway, I'm happy to find a community of people who understand what I am going through and would love some advice on what I can do when one of these episodes starts. Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

Welcome and I am glad you found this site.  It has been a lifesaver for me for the past 4 years. 

I have learned the hard way that when an episode starts, there is nothing I can do to stop it.  All I can do is not make it worse.  I don't try to explain or defend - I just stop talking and remove myself from the situation.  He calls me cold - he calls me all kinds of names but talking always escalates the situation.  The lessons are really helpful and can explain JADE much better than I can. 

My pwBPD tends to be off about 20% of the time - the other 80% he is the love of my life.  BPD wears you down - do your best to take care of yourself.  Read as much as you can.  That helps me on an almost daily basis. 

[Notwendy]

There are several similarities between my H and yours. I was puzzled for years. I have a low functioning BPD mother who is very symptomatic, and didn't see any connection between her and the Jekyll- Hyde behavior of the mostly wonderful high functioning man I married. I didn't know about BPD for a long time and began to learn about it to help me deal with my mother, but eventually the emotional dysregulation/feelings are facts, became clearer to me. BPD is a spectrum, I would say my H has traits, my mother is at the other end of the spectrum, and I had grown up learning to be co-dependent and walk on eggshells.

Therapy was out of the question as far as my H was concerned. He blamed me for our issues, and he seemed so fine with anyone else, and at his job, and even much of the time with me, I believed him. Yet, he also would seem to over react if I went on a trip, often accused me of cheating, or planning to leave him and the three hour rages if we didn't have sex are well familiar to me. I would JADE and the circular arguments would go on and on, without resolution.

I've been married a long time, and have kids, so I can hopefully give you some idea of what may be ahead for you- so that the two of you can manage better than I did. For one, you are way ahead of me by beginning to understand things and not take them as personally. Also, you have the chance to work on any co-dependency traits in you. This was key to me, as I was contributing to the issues by trying to keep him calm and happy while diminishing my own interests- not going out with friends if it upset him. Like your H, mine would pick on some aspect of what I was doing as the reason for his behavior- yours was the wine, but it was a number of things with me and it kept changing "I didn't talk to him like I did with my friends" " I was late for a lunch with his parents" "I didn't get his favorite things at the grocery store".

I didn't see the insecurity. To me, he came across as confident, even arrogant at times and also entitled. Yet, every one of these perceived slights ( "you didn't buy my favorite soda at the store"
were translated to him as me saying " you are not loved, you are somehow terrible" and provoke either raging or several days of the ST. I would be puzzled, he would blame me for them.

Congratulations on the baby. Our kids are the joy of our lives. My H is crazy about the kids, and he is a good father. That said, my being pregnant and raising small kids - which took energy and attention away from my H, resulted in years of him painting me black, emotional neglect and verbal abuse and me scrambling to do whatever it took to bring the man I married back. Sex? He got it on demand ( the yelling would scare the kids and frankly I was so tired, I knew it was the only way to get sleep). Work/travelling/friends? He would agree to watch the kids and at the last minute pull out of the arrangement- leaving me with no sitter. Friends? who has time for friends when you are with kids 24/7. Help with any work around the house? Nope.

What happened? The good part was that I devoted myself to the kids. They needed that. But I completely lost touch with who I was. I became a stay at home mother- it was best for the kids to not have a mother so pulled in different directions. Then the money issues got worse. H sees the money as "his" money, even though I was at that point, providing services for him and the family. Our marriage was breaking down. Thankfully, he began to realize that, and made some attempts to change, but they were the "be nice for a while" then go back to the same thing.

The key for me- coworkerfriend- was that I changed. I started counseling. I had been reading many marriage books, trying to find something to help, and I realized that our families of origin influence our relationships, and emotionally we match our partners in some way. I actually thought it was me- after all, I had the obviously dysfunctional mother. But then, I saw the connection. H finally agreed to some MC. I think he realized then that the marriage was in trouble, but the T focused on me ( which was upsetting since his behavior contributed- but I realize now, it was better to focus on me at the time) and we worked on co-dependency. I had to learn to be able to tolerate him being angry at me and stop WOE. (She established that his anger didn't put me in actual danger first)

So, I started to go out again- to 12 step co-dependency meetings. I had an opportunity to see some old friends ( some male) and we all got together as a family ( and there were hours of raging and accusations after- but eventually, he got used to the friends). I got a part time job.

My family comes first, but by appeasing my H's moods, I was reinforcing them- because they worked to diminish his anxiety about my possibly leaving/cheating. Hard to leave or cheat when you are home with kids 24/7.

Sex on demand put any feelings or desire on my part out of the picture, and also showed my H that raging and the ST worked to get what he wanted.

Not taking care of myself- acknowledging that I had interests, friends, was not helping me, the kids, or my marriage.

How do I deal with the accusations of cheating? If they aren't true, then I have nothing to defend. So, I make an effort to keep strong boundaries around that. I also don't react or try to fix them. The accusations drop quickly when I don't put energy into JADE.

Our relationship is better. To start with, I feel fortunate to have a situation that was relatively mild, ( I see where a relationship with someone like my mother would be a larger challenge, but the dynamics- being an enabler, still have influence)  yet this, in combination with my co-dependency, enabling bad behavior- caused major issues. Giving up things that were meaningful to me to "save" my relationship didn't work, (albeit having children does mean priorities change.) The really good news for you is that, you are so far ahead of where I was in your situation that you have the opportunity to be proactive on your part.

If I could share some advice with my younger self, it would be to work on co-dependency, work on my own appeasing behaviors, keep my job if possible (even if only part time and travelling may have to diminish), keep my friends, get sitters ( I eventually realized that I could not rely on my H for that and did). Do not take the arguments/accusations personally, don't JADE, learn the lessons on this board, and keep practicing. These things took work and support- which I got from a counselor, 12 step groups, and sponsor. I was not allowed to stand up for myself as a child, so I had to learn these skills, and they do make a difference.

[SettingBorders]

Hey there, I know many of the situations you're talking about. So just wanted to tell you, I feel with you! Good thing that your husband is in therapy! Let's hope the therapist can help him.

So with the sex I can only recommend you not to sleep with him on demand. It's too much, honestly. I know it's easier to give in in the middle of the night, but eventually he gets used to get his way and will demand lot's of more as an effect. Maybe it's uncomfortable, but you might have to fight 5-10 times and then he'll understand it. Get out to sleep somewhere else if you have to, but there's no gain in giving in here. You will just loose confidence and self respect.

[Notwendy]

I fully agree with that, and it is what our MC said.

The issue for me was the kids. I found little notes in their rooms about mom and dad fighting at night. I even found one to my H about how they thought it was my fault. That's because I would cry when we fought and my H would get mad. The kids assumed I was making him mad.

So, yes, he basically got sex on demand, and even then didn't seem happy with it. The bar just got higher. The problem was his feeling unloved. He would blame that if I didn't have sex. But we did have sex, quite a lot of it from what I can recall, but to him it was "never".

But the bar got higher. If I did it X way, he was mad cause I didn't do it Y way, and so Y way wasn't X way. Since he would decide he was unloved, not me, I had no control of that. It was his issue I was trying to fix by giving him what I thought he wanted.

Although things are better, the sex is the hardest part for me to reconcile. Sex on demand just took much of the interest out of it. Menopause didn't help either. Although the benefit of sex on demand helped the kids- because they were not woken up by arguing, it became like a chore.

Since the baby isn't here yet, this is a good time to let him rage if he is going to. The other aspect of kids is that, I was sleep deprived from being up with a baby, that I just wanted to sleep,not stay up and fight. So you are at a great time to work on this now.

[momtobe25]

Wow, thanks so much everyone, it is so incredibly helpful to know I am not alone in this. Your stories are encouraging and I feel like I have some sort of plan for how to move forward. I already noticed a difference this weekend by me just realizing that he literally cannot control his emotions once he gets to a certain point, and there are simple things I can say or not say that make a world of difference. While before I felt entitled to complain and nag about things, or bring up past wrongs (I'm the pregnant one, after all!) it is just so much better to take a deep breath and let go of the insignificant stuff. On the stuff that is more significant, like traveling, time with friends, and sex, I'm going to do my homework on this site before digging into that with him and will definitely take the advice to work on my own issues in therapy to see how I am contributing to this.

Notwendy, your story especially resonates because he is so high-functioning and no one in his family, friends, or at work sees this side of him. I can predict when we are going to have a fight, though, because after he has a bad day at work he comes up with something that I did wrong, we get into a fight, and then says, "All I wanted was to come home and be taken care of after this long day at work, and you can't even do that for me!" It just leaves me reeling.

Anyway, thanks all for your supportive words!

[SettingBorders]

I can predict when we are going to have a fight, though, because after he has a bad day at work he comes up with something that I did wrong, we get into a fight, and then says, "All I wanted was to come home and be taken care of after this long day at work, and you can't even do that for me!" It just leaves me reeling.

Hahah, that's what I have to listen to almost on a daily basis. That's denying his own responsability for his feelings. Don't take it personal, I see you're on a good way. Don't feel sorry if you are detached. Detachment is the best thing that can happen to you. At first it feels terrible as there's a lots of rage and disillusionment coming with it. But it will set you free.

[Notwendy]

He may be triggered by the change in your energy level and mood while pregnant.

I recall seeing on TV and the movies - where the wife is pregnant and the husband is telling her to put her feet up, being caring, running out and getting food she craves for her, being excited about the pregnancy.

Nope - didn't happen. I think my H was at his worse to me - mood wise- when I was pregnant. I expected him to understand that- I was growing a baby!- our baby. But nope- he saw my diminished energy, attention and caretaking ( co-dependent) actions as a purposeful witholding of love. I thought he could clearly see that if I was nauseous- that I was not as interested in sex at the moment- but he took that as a rejection. Eventually, he painted me black.

I wish I understood this better at the time, but I didn't, and so I was very hurt by this. One issue that I was not aware of was his making meaning out of my actions- that wasn't true and believing it wasn't true. In these emotional moments- feelings feel like facts.

It would go like this:

Me: I would be feeling yukky ( I had a lot of nausea when pregnant) and so was less attentive, but this had nothing to do with him.

Him: she didn't pay as much attention to me, she is withholding her love for me on purpose- then get angry- start accusing me.

Me: Taken off guard by the untrue accusations- would JADE, get into those no-resolution circular arguments and then finally start crying, which upset him more.


Now, if I am accused of something that isn't true, I don't JADE, defend or get into a discussion. If it isn't true, it isn't true. I can't control what someone else thinks, but when we defend something, it in a way justifies it. So I don't do it.

High functioning/mild traits is both a blessing and a challenge. BPD affects the most intimate relationships the most, so when a person is high functioning, it might just be in marriage where this is an issue. The blessing is that the person is good to everyone else- including the kids which is important. The challenge is- that when it is just in the marriage- I truly thought I was going crazy- that it was something about me. Yes, and no. Codependency was about me- and dealing with that made a difference.

I think someone like my mother is a larger challenge but I can see where co-dependency enhanced and enabled her behaviors. By the time I understood BPD, the patterns had been set for decades. Still, working on me has made a difference. There was little information on BPD/codependency in my parents' era when they were first married, but there is now.