So Unbearable, Any Advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Things are getting unbearable.  A lot of things have happened the past 2 days, well all week things remained fairly calm and things were ok even though she was doing crazy things that really got to me, like one day taking out the hair she just got because someone else tole her this other thing that they use on their hair.  Now I said you should have researched it before buying because they have short hair and you dont maybe it wont work, but it was too late when I said it anyways.  That night she took out all the expensive hair extensions and used this other product to soften her natural hair, well it didnt work as she wanted so she went the next day to put back in the Remy hair she took out a day earlier (money).  The day before that I just paid off the light and cable bills because they only gave me 48 hours before they shut if off (to be fair she didnt know about the 48 hour notice but she doesnt help with bills anyways).

So Saturday she I had to take her up and down to do this hair then to her work had my car battery stolen that morning also and she offered to not get the hair anymore so she can help with the battery.  I said no and did it on my own and insisted she do the hair she wanted.  Now I know I had to do this because even though she is offering I know later on she will complain that she did this and that and didnt get her hair because of all she did.  That evening I went to my sons award ceremony and she went to some event for her work.  Afterwards I picked her up and she had hors d'oeuvres she brought from the event an asked if i wanted some, I said no, she didnt bother to ask my son who was right there next to us and she always acts like that.  That night she went on facebook and when done asked if im not gonna talk, I did not do what I was supposed to do to stop the bleeding and thats my fault but I said something about her asking me that now after being on facebook all night.  She complained about how I didnt talk to her that night and how I always talk to my mom and I told my mom about my sons event and didnt ask about here.  I explained that I did not tell my mom anything and reminded her about how I did talk to her about the event and asked her many things about it, I even reminded her exactly what was said.  So she rambled on and then turned her back and was silent as if going to sleep.  Then at one point she caught me typing and figured I was typing about her (I was on here but never got to post it last night after that).  I switched tabs and said I was writing in my online diary.  She said can you get me some water please so I went to get it and whe I came back with it she was drinking water she had there already and said oh I found some I had here already with a sly grin.  I am wiser than she thinks and knew what she wanted so I said oh and my laptop locked itself already also thats why you couldnt get in.  She kept asking and said she wanted to see it and I said I deleted it, she kept nagging and said she cant sleep if she doesnt see it so I said ok ill write it again, so I signed up for a online journal and wrote some basic stuff about the night and showed it to her.

She read it and then went into deleted items on the journal and it says to recover deleted items you have to pay 9.99 (even though there was no deleted items).  So she kept clicking back and forward between the entry I wrote I sware like at least 1o times maybe hoping deleted items will show up.  Then she gave up.  After that she was acting the same for maybe 5 minutes then after that she was hugging me and acting sweet.  So it was ok for the rest of the night.

Today she wasnt too bad but she got irritated because she cleaned the tub and mopped then she said I didnt help her do that.  I reminded her that I do all those things, cook, clean, iron, wash dishes and clothes, plus do other stuff like the roof work I just did and other work I am doing on the house now.  She said that is a mans job and I can still help so I said I always do those things you are talking about sometimes you do and sometimes I do.  She said I dont mean before today I mean this one today.

My son was here also and when he is here she is in her BPD mood all say long as long as he is here.  I tried to get him to go across the street to my mom but he wanted to decorate the tree.  She told me to help him and I said I will when I am done because I was editing some pictures that I had to send out.  She offered and said do you want me to do it, I said yes, you should have seen the look on her face when I said yes, like a angry I hate you look.  She didnt know I saw so when she saw me looking she smiled and I said whats wrong and she said I am tired of this situation so I was like do what you have to do then (I was frustrated and tired of hearing it).

My son wanted to go to the mall and she wanted to go somewhere also but I didnt take him because that would be a problem, so I kept tellng her lets go ill take you where you want to go but she didnt want to go anymore (mood).  So I still refused to take him because that would be a problem later.  So when we went out for food she said she would pay but I took out my money and paid, she tried to force me to take the money back but I didnt because I dont want it to be used against me later.  Some conversation started about money and she said keep it for your bills and then I said its not my bills its the house bills for everyone.  She went instantly silent and pouted and turned the other way.  I said please dont leave the money there someone might break into the car for it, so she was like I dont care.  So I said are you going to be angry for a month now and I stated that the only thing I said was its the house bills not mine.  So she was like I see how you thinking now.  I see how you think about me and blah blah blah and how she is soon going to go back to her home and how I dont care anyways and I told her to go and I said I didnt say that and what I said was because of what you said.  Well she twisted the story all around, put things that were said in the wrong order, even after I reminder her and she said yes thats what happened and I said so you see thats what I told you happened, she came back again and said no you are not understanding me and twisted it all around again.  She said she is tired of this and wont live like this and will soon go.  I said ok I cant live like this either.  So now we are here with no talking again.

I know I did some things wrong there according to choosing a path.  I really think it will be best for me in the long run to try and get out of this within the next few months though.  But that will have to involve at least having her served with divorce papers before she leaves or things could get complicated in trying to get one.  The next step would be getting her back home.  I have an idea of how to do it without her thinking I am leaving until she is safely home with her family but everything if frustrating and complicated right now.  I am sure that I am suffering from depression also and this really affects things for my son.  He needs extra attention because of his ADHD but because of this I dont even give him the attention now I would a child without ADHD.  People have even noticed, they have known me a a model father because I take care of him without his mom and have done so since he was a baby.  Even the teachers I am friends with make jokes about me not coming at the school everyday anymore but they dont know the truth of what is really going on.  So confusing and stressful.

I dont know why I do that with writing by the way, but I have always been good at writing how I feel rather than saying it and when I start it can get long, I know that is a lot to read but I have found support here and it helps me feel better to let it out to someone I guess.  No one else knows about any of this except my mom, she knows the issues but does know the cause (BPD).  My dad has noticed many times when we are angry but does not know about any specific issue or incident.  He just says to talk it out and read the bible, go to church more and stuff like that.  But other than that I do a lot of pretending to seem like I everything is ok and that I am ok when I am not.

[TommyBahama]

Things are getting unbearable.  A lot of things have happened the past 2 days, well all week things remained fairly calm and things were ok even though she was doing crazy things that really got to me, like one day taking out the hair she just got because someone else tole her this other thing that they use on their hair.  Now I said you should have researched it before buying because they have short hair and you dont maybe it wont work, but it was too late when I said it anyways.  That night she took out all the expensive hair extensions and used this other product to soften her natural hair, well it didnt work as she wanted so she went the next day to put back in the Remy hair she took out a day earlier (money).  The day before that I just paid off the light and cable bills because they only gave me 48 hours before they shut if off (to be fair she didnt know about the 48 hour notice but she doesnt help with bills anyways).

So Saturday she I had to take her up and down to do this hair then to her work had my car battery stolen that morning also and she offered to not get the hair anymore so she can help with the battery.  I said no and did it on my own and insisted she do the hair she wanted.  Now I know I had to do this because even though she is offering I know later on she will complain that she did this and that and didnt get her hair because of all she did.  That evening I went to my sons award ceremony and she went to some event for her work.  Afterwards I picked her up and she had hors d'oeuvres she brought from the event an asked if i wanted some, I said no, she didnt bother to ask my son who was right there next to us and she always acts like that.  That night she went on facebook and when done asked if im not gonna talk, I did not do what I was supposed to do to stop the bleeding and thats my fault but I said something about her asking me that now after being on facebook all night.  She complained about how I didnt talk to her that night and how I always talk to my mom and I told my mom about my sons event and didnt ask about here.  I explained that I did not tell my mom anything and reminded her about how I did talk to her about the event and asked her many things about it, I even reminded her exactly what was said.  So she rambled on and then turned her back and was silent as if going to sleep.  Then at one point she caught me typing and figured I was typing about her (I was on here but never got to post it last night after that).  I switched tabs and said I was writing in my online diary.  She said can you get me some water please so I went to get it and whe I came back with it she was drinking water she had there already and said oh I found some I had here already with a sly grin.  I am wiser than she thinks and knew what she wanted so I said oh and my laptop locked itself already also thats why you couldnt get in.  She kept asking and said she wanted to see it and I said I deleted it, she kept nagging and said she cant sleep if she doesnt see it so I said ok ill write it again, so I signed up for a online journal and wrote some basic stuff about the night and showed it to her.

She read it and then went into deleted items on the journal and it says to recover deleted items you have to pay 9.99 (even though there was no deleted items).  So she kept clicking back and forward between the entry I wrote I sware like at least 1o times maybe hoping deleted items will show up.  Then she gave up.  After that she was acting the same for maybe 5 minutes then after that she was hugging me and acting sweet.  So it was ok for the rest of the night.

Today she wasnt too bad but she got irritated because she cleaned the tub and mopped then she said I didnt help her do that.  I reminded her that I do all those things, cook, clean, iron, wash dishes and clothes, plus do other stuff like the roof work I just did and other work I am doing on the house now.  She said that is a mans job and I can still help so I said I always do those things you are talking about sometimes you do and sometimes I do.  She said I dont mean before today I mean this one today.

My son was here also and when he is here she is in her BPD mood all say long as long as he is here.  I tried to get him to go across the street to my mom but he wanted to decorate the tree.  She told me to help him and I said I will when I am done because I was editing some pictures that I had to send out.  She offered and said do you want me to do it, I said yes, you should have seen the look on her face when I said yes, like a angry I hate you look.  She didnt know I saw so when she saw me looking she smiled and I said whats wrong and she said I am tired of this situation so I was like do what you have to do then (I was frustrated and tired of hearing it).

My son wanted to go to the mall and she wanted to go somewhere also but I didnt take him because that would be a problem, so I kept tellng her lets go ill take you where you want to go but she didnt want to go anymore (mood).  So I still refused to take him because that would be a problem later.  So when we went out for food she said she would pay but I took out my money and paid, she tried to force me to take the money back but I didnt because I dont want it to be used against me later.  Some conversation started about money and she said keep it for your bills and then I said its not my bills its the house bills for everyone.  She went instantly silent and pouted and turned the other way.  I said please dont leave the money there someone might break into the car for it, so she was like I dont care.  So I said are you going to be angry for a month now and I stated that the only thing I said was its the house bills not mine.  So she was like I see how you thinking now.  I see how you think about me and blah blah blah and how she is soon going to go back to her home and how I dont care anyways and I told her to go and I said I didnt say that and what I said was because of what you said.  Well she twisted the story all around, put things that were said in the wrong order, even after I reminder her and she said yes thats what happened and I said so you see thats what I told you happened, she came back again and said no you are not understanding me and twisted it all around again.  She said she is tired of this and wont live like this and will soon go.  I said ok I cant live like this either.  So now we are here with no talking again.

I know I did some things wrong there according to choosing a path.  I really think it will be best for me in the long run to try and get out of this within the next few months though.  But that will have to involve at least having her served with divorce papers before she leaves or things could get complicated in trying to get one.  The next step would be getting her back home.  I have an idea of how to do it without her thinking I am leaving until she is safely home with her family but everything if frustrating and complicated right now.  I am sure that I am suffering from depression also and this really affects things for my son.  He needs extra attention because of his ADHD but because of this I dont even give him the attention now I would a child without ADHD.  People have even noticed, they have known me a a model father because I take care of him without his mom and have done so since he was a baby.  Even the teachers I am friends with make jokes about me not coming at the school everyday anymore but they dont know the truth of what is really going on.  So confusing and stressful.

I dont know why I do that with writing by the way, but I have always been good at writing how I feel rather than saying it and when I start it can get long, I know that is a lot to read but I have found support here and it helps me feel better to let it out to someone I guess.  No one else knows about any of this except my mom, she knows the issues but does know the cause (BPD).  My dad has noticed many times when we are angry but does not know about any specific issue or incident.  He just says to talk it out and read the bible, go to church more and stuff like that.  But other than that I do a lot of pretending to seem like I everything is ok and that I am ok when I am not.

[Weary1402]

I have found a BPD person is a master at twisting things. You won't win in an argument.  If you have a valid point, they make you feel guilty for make them feel bad. The best thing to do is not to react. Give yourself time to think it through. It's not worth trying to get them to agree with your point. The most important thing to her, is her. So you have to ask yourself if her motive is to hurt you or not, think it through and then approach it.

[TommyBahama]

Thanks Weary, she actually started acting nice again before we even went to bed.  She was stressing trying to figure out something for work and I helped her with that and she returned to normal right after that, but it just amazes me how quickly she switches on and off.  I wonder if pwBPD also have some bipolar traits also.