Ex BPD BF will not move out

[GoodVibesOnly16]

Hello Everyone!
 I was in a 5 year relationship with a man who is BPD (not officially diagnosed). I broke up with him 4 years ago. I was completely done with the verbal and emotional abuse. He was supposed to move out then, but was out of work (of course) and couldn't find a place. He eventually got a job- but didn't show a sense of urgency to move. To be honest, I have never known anyone more lazy in my life!  Typical, I could never have a normal adult conversation with him about moving (no different from when we were in a relationship) and they always ended in yelling or circular convos. I tried every way possible to demand he leave (nice, nasty, pleading) and the ass just kept making excuses. Fast forward to today - He is still here and I am completely beside myself! He has no family (a family tragedy when he was younger, hence the reason he has BPD, IMO), and no close friends because I realize now, he has kept all his friends at arms length his entire life, so they are more acquaintances, and his 3 closest friends no longer want to deal with him. Because we live in SF, CA, he has rental rights therefore I don't have just cause to evict (We live in a flat that  is owned by my mother). Me and my family have spent thousands of dollars consulting with 4 different lawyers trying to figure out all of our options but the answer was still the same, he has rights to stay and unless he pulls a gun on me or physically harms me, then I have nothing. I was thinking I would move, but I don't want him to get comfortable and I don't want to leave my brother alone w/him (my bro lives there, too).
 I finally told more people about his BPDness - I never told his friends about it bc I just wanted him out of my life and not destroy his by sharing our icky secret of verbal abuse and emotional blackmail. His friend I told was worried that if he tried to talk to him, would it even make a difference and possibly make things worse for me? He may stay longer to keep punishing me! Ugh!

The latest development is he is now seeing someone and sort of flaunting it. He has been spending many nights at her house and when he comes home he's whistling and singing and being all nice to me. I don't even talk to him or look him in the eye and he says hello is a happy way... .so messed up. I have learned over the years to have no reaction nor emotion (even tho I'm hurting inside) - I think of him as a dull ugly gray rock. My friends keep telling me I may be over the hump and is working on moving on with this new person - Don't interfere bc this may be my only chance to be rid of him. But I am so angry - The balls these people have... .UGH!

My question:
Should I tell all of his friends about the fact that I am being held against my will for years with a maniac? My gut reaction is to call an intervention and blow this wide open! I'm so desperate to gain my life back! Any ideas would be greatly appreciated- Thsnk you in advance!

[Mutt]

Hi GoodVibesOnly16,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. What a difficult situation that you were put into  I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.

I think that your friends gave you good advice and I was going to suggest to you to act boring, detached and disinterested, which is exactly what you're doing right now, you're trying to disengage and hopefully he will move on.

Should I tell all of his friends about the fact that I am being held against my will for years with a maniac? My gut reaction is to call an intervention and blow this wide open! I'm so desperate to gain my life back! Any ideas would be greatly appreciated- Thsnk you in advance!

Do you plan on blowing this wide open before or after he leaves? If you do it before, you're giving him a lot of attention which works against you because your goal is act boring and not bring a lot attention to yourself, hopefully he moves on with the new person. That said, friends and family tend to show loyalty to loved ones, there might be little to no gain. I can see why you would want to get it out there. I agree with your friends, you may be just over the hump.

[GoodVibesOnly16]

Thank you, Mutt, for replying. Your kind words/advice and support came in time as I was really having a hard few days - It is taking every ounce of my being not to lose it.

I wanted to pull in as many friends of his/mine in to see if they can help me get him out of my house by talking to him. These people I know he respects. I'm so desperate and extremely TIRED after years of lying and covering up our icky secret. For the last 4 years, he has lived and mooched off me and has told friends that I was cool with him living with me for financial reasons (rental market in SF is atrocious). I never told his friends the truth bc I just wanted him to move and carry on with his life and to leave me alone. I thought then if I told people, he would get a bad reputation and it may in some way delay him moving out! But he's still here! What was a huge blow is my lawyer said bc we can't see verbal abuse, there's no evidence, therefore I don't have just cause to evict. This is extremely upsetting!

I appreciate your advice to continue with showing no emotion, no interest, act bored. It's soo hard. I'm glad I joined the forum - I need all the encouragement I can get and everyone here understands the extreme BS we have to go through!

I really feel sorry for that girl he just hooked up with. I keep on replaying in my mind when we first met and how fun and wonderful a time we had. But I also will never forget the first time he snapped at me (for asking him if he wanted a glass of water as I was grabbing one for myself) and I saw a different person in his eyes. It threw me for a loop and I was so confused. It took me years to understand what that was... .BPD.

You know, this election has brought narcissistic behavior to the forefront. I'm so glad bc more people are learning about it.
Anyway- I appreciate any more comments from the forum. Thank you!

[C.Stein]

Hello GVO,

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, it is not right.  :)oes he lease from you?

[Mutt]

Hi GoodVibesOnly16,

I appreciate your advice to continue with showing no emotion, no interest, act bored. It's soo hard.

It's not easy to act indifferent when there can be so many emotions playing out internally, you cared for him, there could be disappointment with dreams together not coming to realization, invalidating your feelings with his indifference.

Are you getting a chance to step out of the house and do the things that you enjoy? What do you for self care? Is he jealous and trying to pick a fight if if you're spending time with family and friends?

[GoodVibesOnly16]

I am very mindful of taking care of myself. Luckily I have a loving support system of friends and family and even co-workers who know. I had to share w/my supervisor about my situation bc there was a time last year he was threatening a smear campaign on me and my brother. This was actually when I started to share my story with more friends and family.

I go out a lot (dance class, beach, concerts). I lead a pretty normal social life. I'm so grateful to feel the love of those her care about me and would do anything to make my situation go away. However the fact remains, my ex BPD is still here and the light at the end of the tunnel is so dim - It's not about justice anymore or waiting and hoping my ex uBpd will do the right thing by me. It's about my mental health and safety. I also can't worry about my brother- he assures me he's fine and to just concentrate on myself. So I made the decision last night to move to my aunt's place for as long as I can so I can have time with NC. Then just have very LC and only communicate about the logistics of his move (whenever that time comes). My brother-in-law agreed to be my surrogate spokesperson-He calls himself Switzerland .

To answer someone's question about the lease, both me and my ex are on the lease and my Mom is our landlord. SF renter's have more rights than homeowners and in most cases rightly so bc this is the most expensive city to rent in the US. Avg. rent for a one-bedroom in my neighborhood is $2600. This is the main factor why my ex BPD has not been able to move in 4 years. But his problems are no longer mine. I have zero obligation to him. We were never married w/no kids (thank goodness!). He knows he has rights and has the best renters lawyer backing him (I've hashed out every option in the book with real estate lawyers with no great solution for me) so he's been milking it, taking advantage and making my life hell.

For those of you whose ex's left you or moved out, consider yourselves lucky! I desperately  want NC and him out of my life but I'm like a hostage.

[C.Stein]

To answer someone's question about the lease, both me and my ex are on the lease and my Mom is our landlord. SF renter's have more rights than homeowners and in most cases rightly so bc this is the most expensive city to rent in the US. Avg. rent for a one-bedroom in my neighborhood is $2600. This is the main factor why my ex BPD has not been able to move in 4 years. But his problems are no longer mine. I have zero obligation to him. We were never married w/no kids (thank goodness!). He knows he has rights and has the best renters lawyer backing him (I've hashed out every option in the book with real estate lawyers with no great solution for me) so he's been milking it, taking advantage and making my life hell.

You are absolutely correct in that CA renters have rights that in some cases supercede what one would logically think should be owners rights.  My suggestion to you is when the lease comes up for renewal renegotiate the lease and remove his name from it.  Alternatively your mom could opt to not renew the lease at all and choose to rent it to someone else.  This is within her rights.  This tactic is used quite frequently by owners to "evict" people so rent can be raised beyond what would be legally possible per state/city codes.

[GoodVibesOnly16]

Regarding renewing the lease, the lease is up and we discussed w/the lawyer the 2 options you suggested - my ex BPD has made comments that he will not sign anything or agree to anything new - In other words, he may go the route of trying to be bought out/moving expenses. The going rate is $34k -For obvious reasons we're trying to avoid that route bc that is obviously a lot of money I don't have (already spent a lot on lawyers fees). Unfortunately, we are realizing this very well has been his game, even though he keeps saying he's wants to move badly and looking (bc he hates me and doesn't feel safe around me!). My only prayer left is this new person he is seeing. This week he was at her place 5 out of 7, last week he was there 4 nights. I think he's settling in more and more with this person (victim... .sorry). She is bound to demand to come see where he lives (I'm sure he's lied about his living situation) at some point, right? Then his cover is blown, so I'm praying he moves there or she helps him find a place... .I'm speculating but hoping hoping praying that's how it goes.

[Mutt]

It's not about justice anymore or waiting and hoping my ex uBpd will do the right thing by me. It's about my mental health and safety

I'll leave you with this. I agree that you can't put a price on your mental health. Take very good care of yourself.